Pregnant at 40

There shouldn't be, in my mind, a big difference in being pregnant at 40 vs. being pregnant at 34 as I was the first go round. Yet biologically speaking, my body seems to have different ideas.
The bed rest was the first difference, and the random, painful bleeding around weeks 5 and 6 which then just ZAP stopped.
Based on what the doctor had to say, WHICH WAS A LOT, the real issue is not getting pregnant at 40 (for normal people - not people like me) it's

1. Staying pregnant - we kick out bad eggs more often at this age
2. The list of real problems and complications is seriously longer at this age.

I'm not really terribly WORRIED about this list, the possible complications. Maybe I'm bizarrely optimistic, or foolishly hopeful. But I feel GOOD about the baby. I feel good that she is fine. She's kicking my ass as far as my sleepyhead status goes.......but I feel like we're putzing along ok, she and I.

Then I started getting this pain in my right side yesterday. Hormones doing what they do, joints get looser and my hips traditionally ache during pregnancy. Yesterday I ate Tylenol all day. Today however the tap was turned on high and it was serious pain. Then I went to the bathroom and.....

blood.

Bright red blood. The BAD KIND. The kind you don't want to see when you are 9 weeks pregnant. And more. And pain.

I ended up back at the OBGYN getting an ultrasound and we're all old friends by now. The baby is fine, superfast hearbeat - over 180 - and looking great. (An aside, I noted she still has her tail as she should, and the tech says "I don't like to think of it as a tail" - WHAT? It's a TAIL! All medical books and writings refer to it as the tail good grief.......I know that was an anti-evolution thing and it was cracking me up cuz then I kept talking about it)

Anyway, she's fine. I apparently, from what they can see - had a cyst rupture. Thus the pain.

The bleeding? Well........that's where it gets tricky. Am I trying to miscarry? The baby doesn't give any signs. Is it bleeding behind the placenta as it implants? Hard to say. Is it my bicornet uterus? Possibly. They say one side can bleed while the other is growing a baby. Mine isn't as crazy as the one pictured, not quite as big of a divide between the two sides, more like a close heart. Regardless, it's a defect in me that apparently usually keeps people from going to term or from even getting pregnant,much less carrying twins or delivering a baby boy over 9 pounds. My new OBGYN apparently put the ultrasound tech THROUGH it because he didn't believe I could have that condition AND my childbirth history.

But I promise you, both things are true.

So anyway......the bleeding stopped. And now.............

We dunno. I go back on Friday for another ultrasound and another check up. We discussed if the worst happens, if I suddenly have no fetal heartbeat I opted for an immediate D&C vs. last year's nightmare. He feels we will prepare for the worst and assume we'll have the best.

But she looks great. I could see her little arms today - and I have no reason to believe that I won't see them again on Friday.

And kiss them in April.

Pregnant at 40

There shouldn't be, in my mind, a big difference in being pregnant at 40 vs. being pregnant at 34 as I was the first go round. Yet biologically speaking, my body seems to have different ideas.
The bed rest was the first difference, and the random, painful bleeding around weeks 5 and 6 which then just ZAP stopped.
Based on what the doctor had to say, WHICH WAS A LOT, the real issue is not getting pregnant at 40 (for normal people - not people like me) it's

1. Staying pregnant - we kick out bad eggs more often at this age
2. The list of real problems and complications is seriously longer at this age.

I'm not really terribly WORRIED about this list, the possible complications. Maybe I'm bizarrely optimistic, or foolishly hopeful. But I feel GOOD about the baby. I feel good that she is fine. She's kicking my ass as far as my sleepyhead status goes.......but I feel like we're putzing along ok, she and I.

Then I started getting this pain in my right side yesterday. Hormones doing what they do, joints get looser and my hips traditionally ache during pregnancy. Yesterday I ate Tylenol all day. Today however the tap was turned on high and it was serious pain. Then I went to the bathroom and.....

blood.

Bright red blood. The BAD KIND. The kind you don't want to see when you are 9 weeks pregnant. And more. And pain.

I ended up back at the OBGYN getting an ultrasound and we're all old friends by now. The baby is fine, superfast hearbeat - over 180 - and looking great. (An aside, I noted she still has her tail as she should, and the tech says "I don't like to think of it as a tail" - WHAT? It's a TAIL! All medical books and writings refer to it as the tail good grief.......I know that was an anti-evolution thing and it was cracking me up cuz then I kept talking about it)

Anyway, she's fine. I apparently, from what they can see - had a cyst rupture. Thus the pain.

The bleeding? Well........that's where it gets tricky. Am I trying to miscarry? The baby doesn't give any signs. Is it bleeding behind the placenta as it implants? Hard to say. Is it my bicornet uterus? Possibly. They say one side can bleed while the other is growing a baby. Mine isn't as crazy as the one pictured, not quite as big of a divide between the two sides, more like a close heart. Regardless, it's a defect in me that apparently usually keeps people from going to term or from even getting pregnant,much less carrying twins or delivering a baby boy over 9 pounds. My new OBGYN apparently put the ultrasound tech THROUGH it because he didn't believe I could have that condition AND my childbirth history.

But I promise you, both things are true.

So anyway......the bleeding stopped. And now.............

We dunno. I go back on Friday for another ultrasound and another check up. We discussed if the worst happens, if I suddenly have no fetal heartbeat I opted for an immediate D&C vs. last year's nightmare. He feels we will prepare for the worst and assume we'll have the best.

But she looks great. I could see her little arms today - and I have no reason to believe that I won't see them again on Friday.

And kiss them in April.

Somebody Elses Baby

I held somebody elses baby today. And it sort of pissed me off.
Which is jerkwad-ish of me......maybe it just made me sad.

I just felt that hole created in November in my life. That hole that was supposed to be a baby. Not like we bought anything, or started painting a nursery or anything stupid like that.

It's just that.....my mind had got to wandering, in those baby places. The soft blankets, and the pajamas legs that snap, and the formula that stains......I had slipped back into the comfort of those things, when they were all snapped back out from under me.

"Not viable."

Of course, I'm educated. I do understand that there never WAS a baby. In fact, it was just some cells with bad recombinant DNA that never specialized - never turned into a human. It tests positive on ye old home pregnancy test because it starts out as ovum and sperm, and it fertilizes like a zygote should and then it all just goes to hell.

So, I get it. I didn't lose anything because I didn't have anything but some seriously physical discomfort.

But when I was holding that baby dressed in pink and chocolate polka dots today, you would've sworn it was otherwise the way my heart ached and the way that hole blew open in it. A gap where someone else was supposed to be loved sits open. I wonder what happens now?

Will it close? Will I always feel this way?

Somebody Elses Baby

I held somebody elses baby today. And it sort of pissed me off.
Which is jerkwad-ish of me......maybe it just made me sad.

I just felt that hole created in November in my life. That hole that was supposed to be a baby. Not like we bought anything, or started painting a nursery or anything stupid like that.

It's just that.....my mind had got to wandering, in those baby places. The soft blankets, and the pajamas legs that snap, and the formula that stains......I had slipped back into the comfort of those things, when they were all snapped back out from under me.

"Not viable."

Of course, I'm educated. I do understand that there never WAS a baby. In fact, it was just some cells with bad recombinant DNA that never specialized - never turned into a human. It tests positive on ye old home pregnancy test because it starts out as ovum and sperm, and it fertilizes like a zygote should and then it all just goes to hell.

So, I get it. I didn't lose anything because I didn't have anything but some seriously physical discomfort.

But when I was holding that baby dressed in pink and chocolate polka dots today, you would've sworn it was otherwise the way my heart ached and the way that hole blew open in it. A gap where someone else was supposed to be loved sits open. I wonder what happens now?

Will it close? Will I always feel this way?

Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful

So after all this......after I'm all suited up and I've signed the forms and talked to the anesthesiologist and gotten IVs hooked up and given blood........and even received my complimentary socks with nubbies on the bottom.......

After all that.....

They decide I have succesfully FINALLY miscarried on my own, the day before. All my tests came back clean.

No surgery.

So I went home.

But I kept the socks. :)

Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful

So after all this......after I'm all suited up and I've signed the forms and talked to the anesthesiologist and gotten IVs hooked up and given blood........and even received my complimentary socks with nubbies on the bottom.......

After all that.....

They decide I have succesfully FINALLY miscarried on my own, the day before. All my tests came back clean.

No surgery.

So I went home.

But I kept the socks. :)

Surgery It Is!

Ok who's bored with the miscarriage? I know I am.

I'm also worried, nervous, bleeding like crazy, over emotional, in pain, exhausted, a little irrational......uncomfortable.....let's see what else......throw in SMELLY, generally unhappy.

Since November 13 I've been seeking conclusion and looks like tomorrow I'm finally surrendering to the fact that mother nature will NOT just take care of this for me. I spent most of the day yesterday laying down, and basically all day today. When I got up to eat (a delicious late breakfast made by my Hunny)......it was all back on again.

I'll spare you the details, as sometimes guys read this, but let's just say - this isn't going away.The baby cells, and placenta cells are all gone, according to the ultrasound. But my body just isn't capable of healing itself this time. So I called my doctor, then I called my boss (who by the way seemed to know that I wouldn't be in and this wasn't going well....thank god)......

And then I told the husband that I have to be at pre-op tomorrow morning at 10:30 am. So, off we go tomorrow hopefully to drive an end to this process. They're gonna do a D & C and whatever else they gotta do while they are in there to stop the bleeding and clean out the mess. Good times, eh?

Now I'm trying to decide if I should shave my legs and paint my toes. I don't know why...I just seems like I should.

Thoughts?

I'm just so tired. Of the pain, of being tired, of the bleeding.

I need this all to stop. I want to be myself again.

Surgery It Is!

Ok who's bored with the miscarriage? I know I am.

I'm also worried, nervous, bleeding like crazy, over emotional, in pain, exhausted, a little irrational......uncomfortable.....let's see what else......throw in SMELLY, generally unhappy.

Since November 13 I've been seeking conclusion and looks like tomorrow I'm finally surrendering to the fact that mother nature will NOT just take care of this for me. I spent most of the day yesterday laying down, and basically all day today. When I got up to eat (a delicious late breakfast made by my Hunny)......it was all back on again.

I'll spare you the details, as sometimes guys read this, but let's just say - this isn't going away.The baby cells, and placenta cells are all gone, according to the ultrasound. But my body just isn't capable of healing itself this time. So I called my doctor, then I called my boss (who by the way seemed to know that I wouldn't be in and this wasn't going well....thank god)......

And then I told the husband that I have to be at pre-op tomorrow morning at 10:30 am. So, off we go tomorrow hopefully to drive an end to this process. They're gonna do a D & C and whatever else they gotta do while they are in there to stop the bleeding and clean out the mess. Good times, eh?

Now I'm trying to decide if I should shave my legs and paint my toes. I don't know why...I just seems like I should.

Thoughts?

I'm just so tired. Of the pain, of being tired, of the bleeding.

I need this all to stop. I want to be myself again.

How to Get Immediate Attention in the ER - Bleed All Over Them

*I'm only sitting up right now, because my back is screaming from so much laying down. I promise not to sit up long. But It's killing me.

Okay........the miscarriage update.......

Well, I have several posts I was about to write - one went something like blah blah blah I'm so stressed I can't take it anymore I need for this to be over. Another one went Oh Yay heavy bleeding and cramping I'm doing great, even though this feels like labor and I want to kill someone this means we're moving along. There was going to be another one about a fist sized clot.....just to gross out the boys.

But then I had to go to the ER.

The short version of the story is that I was soaking 3 pads an hour. And I thought that this was heavy bleeding. So off we rushed to the ER where the lady who checked us in was casual about my massive bleeding and gave us forms to fill out. Seriously - I was clearly boring her with my tales of completely soaking 3 pads an hour. 3 BIG pads, just for a point of reference.

The Triage nurse was actually super sweet (I almost always love triage nurses, they are usually such kind people) - taking lots of time to listen to me as I explained ALL the steps of this process, of the drugs I had taken.....when suddenly I said "Oh my god I just soaked your chair with blood."

I stood up and blood just starts shooting out of me - soaking my jeans - and not to be too grotesque - leaving an actual puddle on the chair. It occurs to me that I am hemorrhaging and I feel panic. This part I remember VERY clearly. I remember lots of really sweet nurses, and a lot of "honey" and "sweetheart" talk....people getting towels, but I must've blacked out because then next I'm in a little curtained off room and they were suiting me up in hospital gear.

The weird thing was - there was no pain. The whole time I was there, probably from the blood loss - I was just sort of floating, zombie, sleeping. They came in and hooked me up for IVs, drew blood, did the WORST PELVIC IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD, and then whisked me off for the longest ultrasound ever.

A teenager came in to draw my blood. This was probably the only time I got cranky - believe it or not. She about KILLED Me with the tourniquet, spent minutes trying to figure out how/where to draw me......and then mumbles, as she takes the tourniquet off and on for the third or 4th time, "I always have a hard time with the tourniquet." At which point I called to my nurse "I'm going to need an RN to draw my blood please!" Luce, my nurse, bustled, in took the needle from the girl and dismissed her. And smiled at me and said "Yeah I prefer an RN to draw my blood to."

Apparently hours and hours passed, but the nurses were really sweet - one in particular came back to tell me she met my family, and had given the boys juice and some graham crackers. She sat in on my various procedures/tests so she could tell them I was OK.

The staff were all sweating to death with the heat on in the ER but hurried to get me blankets because I was cold and after I was appropriately hooked to every machine conceivable......turned off the light in my little area so I could sleep a little.

I slept, listened to people around me tell the doctors about the car accident they had been in, the fire they had been in, about the last time they got shot and how it was worse than this time. It occurs to me, at one point, that they've taken me back with the more seriously injured - no folks with colds or stomach flu in this crew. I heard, at one point, them call to reserve an operating room - and tell whomever that it was for me. I listened to them talk to my doctor. They came in and explained the D&C - and that they would put me in twilight sleep for it but that they were waiting on the results of my ultrasound.

Then I slept some more until they came back. Apparently the great Uterine explosion of '08 cleared the rest of the tissue from inside me. They decided, with my OB, that I didn't need the D&C and I could leave.

My pants and underwear were destroyed (I am considering just tossing them, they are still in a bag) so they gave me a diaper (which at that point I thought was hilarious) and some paper pants to wear home.

The sweet nurse who had been keeping track of my family gave me a sack lunch with a sandwich, chips and juice, on my way out - because she knew I was starving.

I came home and slept like the dead. Today I've had some cramping and heavy bleeding but nothing like yesterday. The Husband took the kids to a train show so that I could rest in peace without little boys jumping all over me. So I napped for a while, watched a little football but then needed to get up for a while.

How do I feel?

Drained.

I'm not sure I can go to work tomorrow, because I still have some pretty heavy outpours, if you follow........and I don't know if I can handle that kind of thing in the office. At least I don't have to be afraid I'll get into trouble.

Virtual hugs, positive thoughts and prayers are now officially welcome. I can use them.

How to Get Immediate Attention in the ER - Bleed All Over Them

*I'm only sitting up right now, because my back is screaming from so much laying down. I promise not to sit up long. But It's killing me.

Okay........the miscarriage update.......

Well, I have several posts I was about to write - one went something like blah blah blah I'm so stressed I can't take it anymore I need for this to be over. Another one went Oh Yay heavy bleeding and cramping I'm doing great, even though this feels like labor and I want to kill someone this means we're moving along. There was going to be another one about a fist sized clot.....just to gross out the boys.

But then I had to go to the ER.

The short version of the story is that I was soaking 3 pads an hour. And I thought that this was heavy bleeding. So off we rushed to the ER where the lady who checked us in was casual about my massive bleeding and gave us forms to fill out. Seriously - I was clearly boring her with my tales of completely soaking 3 pads an hour. 3 BIG pads, just for a point of reference.

The Triage nurse was actually super sweet (I almost always love triage nurses, they are usually such kind people) - taking lots of time to listen to me as I explained ALL the steps of this process, of the drugs I had taken.....when suddenly I said "Oh my god I just soaked your chair with blood."

I stood up and blood just starts shooting out of me - soaking my jeans - and not to be too grotesque - leaving an actual puddle on the chair. It occurs to me that I am hemorrhaging and I feel panic. This part I remember VERY clearly. I remember lots of really sweet nurses, and a lot of "honey" and "sweetheart" talk....people getting towels, but I must've blacked out because then next I'm in a little curtained off room and they were suiting me up in hospital gear.

The weird thing was - there was no pain. The whole time I was there, probably from the blood loss - I was just sort of floating, zombie, sleeping. They came in and hooked me up for IVs, drew blood, did the WORST PELVIC IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD, and then whisked me off for the longest ultrasound ever.

A teenager came in to draw my blood. This was probably the only time I got cranky - believe it or not. She about KILLED Me with the tourniquet, spent minutes trying to figure out how/where to draw me......and then mumbles, as she takes the tourniquet off and on for the third or 4th time, "I always have a hard time with the tourniquet." At which point I called to my nurse "I'm going to need an RN to draw my blood please!" Luce, my nurse, bustled, in took the needle from the girl and dismissed her. And smiled at me and said "Yeah I prefer an RN to draw my blood to."

Apparently hours and hours passed, but the nurses were really sweet - one in particular came back to tell me she met my family, and had given the boys juice and some graham crackers. She sat in on my various procedures/tests so she could tell them I was OK.

The staff were all sweating to death with the heat on in the ER but hurried to get me blankets because I was cold and after I was appropriately hooked to every machine conceivable......turned off the light in my little area so I could sleep a little.

I slept, listened to people around me tell the doctors about the car accident they had been in, the fire they had been in, about the last time they got shot and how it was worse than this time. It occurs to me, at one point, that they've taken me back with the more seriously injured - no folks with colds or stomach flu in this crew. I heard, at one point, them call to reserve an operating room - and tell whomever that it was for me. I listened to them talk to my doctor. They came in and explained the D&C - and that they would put me in twilight sleep for it but that they were waiting on the results of my ultrasound.

Then I slept some more until they came back. Apparently the great Uterine explosion of '08 cleared the rest of the tissue from inside me. They decided, with my OB, that I didn't need the D&C and I could leave.

My pants and underwear were destroyed (I am considering just tossing them, they are still in a bag) so they gave me a diaper (which at that point I thought was hilarious) and some paper pants to wear home.

The sweet nurse who had been keeping track of my family gave me a sack lunch with a sandwich, chips and juice, on my way out - because she knew I was starving.

I came home and slept like the dead. Today I've had some cramping and heavy bleeding but nothing like yesterday. The Husband took the kids to a train show so that I could rest in peace without little boys jumping all over me. So I napped for a while, watched a little football but then needed to get up for a while.

How do I feel?

Drained.

I'm not sure I can go to work tomorrow, because I still have some pretty heavy outpours, if you follow........and I don't know if I can handle that kind of thing in the office. At least I don't have to be afraid I'll get into trouble.

Virtual hugs, positive thoughts and prayers are now officially welcome. I can use them.