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Showing posts with label Intellectual Vacuum. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Intellectual Vacuum. Show all posts
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
The New Mandatory - 2 Kids or No Kids
Okay I've decided that, after consuming beers with Sarah and raving on about the things and people we hate (and love).............that I think there should be a rule.
It's about your reproduction.
You need to have at least two kids, or none.
Now, stay with me, I've got a reason. It's a good one.
When you just have the ONE kid, well - you're a freak. You worry about shit that doesn't matter, you flip out over the littlest stuff, you're ridiculously over protective - because you have the luxury of being so.
And well, it isn't productive. Or even reasonable.
Example? Oh, ever see those people who completely cover up the baby carrier if there is the slightest wind? Or, just a light rain? Because we all know human babies can't HANDLE a little bit of rain or a slight wind on them - it might DAMAGE them in some way that is irreparable.
Or the people who FLIP STRAIGHT OUT if their kid eats some sugar. Unless your kid is a diabetic or has some wild food allergy - well, ummm.....your kid is fine. Don't let them live on sugar. Be a parent. I'll even admit this - I WAS GUILTY OF THIS SIN.
That's right. When I had the luxury of being a singleton's parent (I didn't know they called a baby born on it's OWN a special name but they do,it's a singleton) - I once about STROKED OUT because my best friend spooned some cake with icing into my 9 month old son's mouth. Inside myself I about SCREAMED "HE'S NEVER HAD SUGAR OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" and felt all righteous about my incredibly brilliant and superior parenting and she obviously had NO FUCKING CLUE what she was doing because MY BABY DIDN'T EAT SUGAR.
Sigh.
As Sarah so aptly put it, now I'm more of the "Yeah my kids are outside licking dirt and then we'll be hitting the McDonald's - later."
When you have more kids, you have to become more practical. Okay licking dirt is bad most likely but in the grand scheme of things, you learn to prioritize. IS THIS GOING TO KILL THEM being the big distinguisher. If it's not going to kill them, you just learn to deal with it differently and are less MANIC and PARANOID - and it's a little easier on you even if it's more hectic.
I think that there are a lot of really NORMAL parents out there who have just one kid, I think it's responsible to look out for what you perceive to be your kids best interest - example, you kid isn't feeling well and you can't put your finger on it - so you say you're gonna be cautious/protective with them.......that's LOGIC. That's a good time not to play with other kids and we other parents appreciate it. We don't want your germs or the possibility of your germs.
But covering up your 8 month old with 3 blankets over their FACE so the WIND doesn't blow on them - well that borders on the insane.
I promise you, evolution has equipped us with the ability to handle WIND. Or, if you like - YOUR LORD GOD has also given you this gift. He also made the wind, so you know, really - enjoy the wind. It's a gift.
OK rant over. I'm having another beer now.
Shut Up - my kids are in bed.
It's about your reproduction.
You need to have at least two kids, or none.
Now, stay with me, I've got a reason. It's a good one.
When you just have the ONE kid, well - you're a freak. You worry about shit that doesn't matter, you flip out over the littlest stuff, you're ridiculously over protective - because you have the luxury of being so.
And well, it isn't productive. Or even reasonable.
Example? Oh, ever see those people who completely cover up the baby carrier if there is the slightest wind? Or, just a light rain? Because we all know human babies can't HANDLE a little bit of rain or a slight wind on them - it might DAMAGE them in some way that is irreparable.
Or the people who FLIP STRAIGHT OUT if their kid eats some sugar. Unless your kid is a diabetic or has some wild food allergy - well, ummm.....your kid is fine. Don't let them live on sugar. Be a parent. I'll even admit this - I WAS GUILTY OF THIS SIN.
That's right. When I had the luxury of being a singleton's parent (I didn't know they called a baby born on it's OWN a special name but they do,it's a singleton) - I once about STROKED OUT because my best friend spooned some cake with icing into my 9 month old son's mouth. Inside myself I about SCREAMED "HE'S NEVER HAD SUGAR OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" and felt all righteous about my incredibly brilliant and superior parenting and she obviously had NO FUCKING CLUE what she was doing because MY BABY DIDN'T EAT SUGAR.
Sigh.
As Sarah so aptly put it, now I'm more of the "Yeah my kids are outside licking dirt and then we'll be hitting the McDonald's - later."
When you have more kids, you have to become more practical. Okay licking dirt is bad most likely but in the grand scheme of things, you learn to prioritize. IS THIS GOING TO KILL THEM being the big distinguisher. If it's not going to kill them, you just learn to deal with it differently and are less MANIC and PARANOID - and it's a little easier on you even if it's more hectic.
I think that there are a lot of really NORMAL parents out there who have just one kid, I think it's responsible to look out for what you perceive to be your kids best interest - example, you kid isn't feeling well and you can't put your finger on it - so you say you're gonna be cautious/protective with them.......that's LOGIC. That's a good time not to play with other kids and we other parents appreciate it. We don't want your germs or the possibility of your germs.
But covering up your 8 month old with 3 blankets over their FACE so the WIND doesn't blow on them - well that borders on the insane.
I promise you, evolution has equipped us with the ability to handle WIND. Or, if you like - YOUR LORD GOD has also given you this gift. He also made the wind, so you know, really - enjoy the wind. It's a gift.
OK rant over. I'm having another beer now.
Shut Up - my kids are in bed.
The New Mandatory - 2 Kids or No Kids
Okay I've decided that, after consuming beers with Sarah and raving on about the things and people we hate (and love).............that I think there should be a rule.
It's about your reproduction.
You need to have at least two kids, or none.
Now, stay with me, I've got a reason. It's a good one.
When you just have the ONE kid, well - you're a freak. You worry about shit that doesn't matter, you flip out over the littlest stuff, you're ridiculously over protective - because you have the luxury of being so.
And well, it isn't productive. Or even reasonable.
Example? Oh, ever see those people who completely cover up the baby carrier if there is the slightest wind? Or, just a light rain? Because we all know human babies can't HANDLE a little bit of rain or a slight wind on them - it might DAMAGE them in some way that is irreparable.
Or the people who FLIP STRAIGHT OUT if their kid eats some sugar. Unless your kid is a diabetic or has some wild food allergy - well, ummm.....your kid is fine. Don't let them live on sugar. Be a parent. I'll even admit this - I WAS GUILTY OF THIS SIN.
That's right. When I had the luxury of being a singleton's parent (I didn't know they called a baby born on it's OWN a special name but they do,it's a singleton) - I once about STROKED OUT because my best friend spooned some cake with icing into my 9 month old son's mouth. Inside myself I about SCREAMED "HE'S NEVER HAD SUGAR OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" and felt all righteous about my incredibly brilliant and superior parenting and she obviously had NO FUCKING CLUE what she was doing because MY BABY DIDN'T EAT SUGAR.
Sigh.
As Sarah so aptly put it, now I'm more of the "Yeah my kids are outside licking dirt and then we'll be hitting the McDonald's - later."
When you have more kids, you have to become more practical. Okay licking dirt is bad most likely but in the grand scheme of things, you learn to prioritize. IS THIS GOING TO KILL THEM being the big distinguisher. If it's not going to kill them, you just learn to deal with it differently and are less MANIC and PARANOID - and it's a little easier on you even if it's more hectic.
I think that there are a lot of really NORMAL parents out there who have just one kid, I think it's responsible to look out for what you perceive to be your kids best interest - example, you kid isn't feeling well and you can't put your finger on it - so you say you're gonna be cautious/protective with them.......that's LOGIC. That's a good time not to play with other kids and we other parents appreciate it. We don't want your germs or the possibility of your germs.
But covering up your 8 month old with 3 blankets over their FACE so the WIND doesn't blow on them - well that borders on the insane.
I promise you, evolution has equipped us with the ability to handle WIND. Or, if you like - YOUR LORD GOD has also given you this gift. He also made the wind, so you know, really - enjoy the wind. It's a gift.
OK rant over. I'm having another beer now.
Shut Up - my kids are in bed.
It's about your reproduction.
You need to have at least two kids, or none.
Now, stay with me, I've got a reason. It's a good one.
When you just have the ONE kid, well - you're a freak. You worry about shit that doesn't matter, you flip out over the littlest stuff, you're ridiculously over protective - because you have the luxury of being so.
And well, it isn't productive. Or even reasonable.
Example? Oh, ever see those people who completely cover up the baby carrier if there is the slightest wind? Or, just a light rain? Because we all know human babies can't HANDLE a little bit of rain or a slight wind on them - it might DAMAGE them in some way that is irreparable.
Or the people who FLIP STRAIGHT OUT if their kid eats some sugar. Unless your kid is a diabetic or has some wild food allergy - well, ummm.....your kid is fine. Don't let them live on sugar. Be a parent. I'll even admit this - I WAS GUILTY OF THIS SIN.
That's right. When I had the luxury of being a singleton's parent (I didn't know they called a baby born on it's OWN a special name but they do,it's a singleton) - I once about STROKED OUT because my best friend spooned some cake with icing into my 9 month old son's mouth. Inside myself I about SCREAMED "HE'S NEVER HAD SUGAR OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" and felt all righteous about my incredibly brilliant and superior parenting and she obviously had NO FUCKING CLUE what she was doing because MY BABY DIDN'T EAT SUGAR.
Sigh.
As Sarah so aptly put it, now I'm more of the "Yeah my kids are outside licking dirt and then we'll be hitting the McDonald's - later."
When you have more kids, you have to become more practical. Okay licking dirt is bad most likely but in the grand scheme of things, you learn to prioritize. IS THIS GOING TO KILL THEM being the big distinguisher. If it's not going to kill them, you just learn to deal with it differently and are less MANIC and PARANOID - and it's a little easier on you even if it's more hectic.
I think that there are a lot of really NORMAL parents out there who have just one kid, I think it's responsible to look out for what you perceive to be your kids best interest - example, you kid isn't feeling well and you can't put your finger on it - so you say you're gonna be cautious/protective with them.......that's LOGIC. That's a good time not to play with other kids and we other parents appreciate it. We don't want your germs or the possibility of your germs.
But covering up your 8 month old with 3 blankets over their FACE so the WIND doesn't blow on them - well that borders on the insane.
I promise you, evolution has equipped us with the ability to handle WIND. Or, if you like - YOUR LORD GOD has also given you this gift. He also made the wind, so you know, really - enjoy the wind. It's a gift.
OK rant over. I'm having another beer now.
Shut Up - my kids are in bed.
Saturday, April 04, 2009
Unseasonably Warm
So this global warming thing.......tell me more.
When we first moved into this house, one morning when I was bleary eyed I SWORE the thermometer outside my kitchen window said "120". So I think "that can't be right" but then I get busy and forget to look again. By the time I checked it again - it was 70 degrees.
So you know, when I saw this early this morning when I woke up (shut up it was like 10:30 on Saturday ok not early) you know I had to prove it!
Unseasonably Warm
So this global warming thing.......tell me more.
When we first moved into this house, one morning when I was bleary eyed I SWORE the thermometer outside my kitchen window said "120". So I think "that can't be right" but then I get busy and forget to look again. By the time I checked it again - it was 70 degrees.
So you know, when I saw this early this morning when I woke up (shut up it was like 10:30 on Saturday ok not early) you know I had to prove it!
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
What You Don't Want To Find
So since I haven't unpacked properly anywhere we've lived since 1999 it's sort of been a running joke that I'll be amazed what we'll find when I finally DO so.
And of course I aimed to open a box a day, or a box a week and get this stuff DONE but you know what, /FAIL.
Regardless of all that, do you know what you don't want to find, when you moved into your new house in July 2008 and today is March 19 2009.
You don't want to find the box labeled food.
We're so excited! Who's coming to dinner??
What You Don't Want To Find
So since I haven't unpacked properly anywhere we've lived since 1999 it's sort of been a running joke that I'll be amazed what we'll find when I finally DO so.
And of course I aimed to open a box a day, or a box a week and get this stuff DONE but you know what, /FAIL.
Regardless of all that, do you know what you don't want to find, when you moved into your new house in July 2008 and today is March 19 2009.
You don't want to find the box labeled food.
We're so excited! Who's coming to dinner??
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Add This To The List That Contains "Apes That Sign"
You know, the list of animal things I hate.
I mean, isn't this just all we fucking need - the damned apes are making PLANS now?
Stupid evolution. That's all we need is for those little poop flinging bastards to start making PLANS. What sort of PLANS do apes need to make - really? Got stuff to do, do you?
They'll want to learn how to SIGN and then they'll all become nipple fiends like Koko and the whole thing is just MADNESS I tell you.
They're gonna be pissed when they find out about Koko and that we've been holding out on them, that's all I'm sayin'.
Add This To The List That Contains "Apes That Sign"
You know, the list of animal things I hate.
I mean, isn't this just all we fucking need - the damned apes are making PLANS now?
Stupid evolution. That's all we need is for those little poop flinging bastards to start making PLANS. What sort of PLANS do apes need to make - really? Got stuff to do, do you?
They'll want to learn how to SIGN and then they'll all become nipple fiends like Koko and the whole thing is just MADNESS I tell you.
They're gonna be pissed when they find out about Koko and that we've been holding out on them, that's all I'm sayin'.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Things Which Are Not Breaking News
- Anyone just doing their job -ie. Firefighters rescue someone. This is a good thing, but really, they are supposed to rescue people. Firefighters rescuing someone in the midst of breaking news size TRAGEDY are exempt and this is then BREAKING NEWS. (Example, Firefighters rescue me from a tree - NOT breaking news, Firefighters rescue me from the depths of a coal mine - THIS is breaking news.)
- Weather which is not catastrophic - this includes thunderstorms. Tornadoes are breaking news, HAIL could be. Thunderstorms - not so much.
- People on Capital Hill speaking about this or that, regardless of whether or not they are under subpoena. Really, breaking news used to be things you did not know were going to happen.
- Governments Balancing Budgets - Like Chris Rock says "you don't get credit for doing what you are SUPPOSED to do".
- Someone telling us the economy is bad. Duh, you're a retard and this is NOT breaking news.
- Dick Cheney being mad at W - not breaking news. This is a personal squabble. And again, only unexpected things should be breaking news.
Here are my official guidelines for breaking news. I will appreciate it if CNN and all the lesser news agencies will please abide by them: (don't make me do a damned I-Report)
Breaking News IS:
- Something unexpected
- Something which effects more than the people immediately invovled (see Dick Cheney Mad at W above)
- Something that has national impact - even if just on our hearts and minds
- Something very very tragic
- Something very very dangerous
- Something very very good
- Something bigger than it's bi-line.
- Something that makes the person who reads it or hears it say "Oh my god......." and immediately want to share it.
Things Which Are Not Breaking News
- Anyone just doing their job -ie. Firefighters rescue someone. This is a good thing, but really, they are supposed to rescue people. Firefighters rescuing someone in the midst of breaking news size TRAGEDY are exempt and this is then BREAKING NEWS. (Example, Firefighters rescue me from a tree - NOT breaking news, Firefighters rescue me from the depths of a coal mine - THIS is breaking news.)
- Weather which is not catastrophic - this includes thunderstorms. Tornadoes are breaking news, HAIL could be. Thunderstorms - not so much.
- People on Capital Hill speaking about this or that, regardless of whether or not they are under subpoena. Really, breaking news used to be things you did not know were going to happen.
- Governments Balancing Budgets - Like Chris Rock says "you don't get credit for doing what you are SUPPOSED to do".
- Someone telling us the economy is bad. Duh, you're a retard and this is NOT breaking news.
- Dick Cheney being mad at W - not breaking news. This is a personal squabble. And again, only unexpected things should be breaking news.
Here are my official guidelines for breaking news. I will appreciate it if CNN and all the lesser news agencies will please abide by them: (don't make me do a damned I-Report)
Breaking News IS:
- Something unexpected
- Something which effects more than the people immediately invovled (see Dick Cheney Mad at W above)
- Something that has national impact - even if just on our hearts and minds
- Something very very tragic
- Something very very dangerous
- Something very very good
- Something bigger than it's bi-line.
- Something that makes the person who reads it or hears it say "Oh my god......." and immediately want to share it.
Thursday, February 05, 2009
What is that? The 80s Or Something?
ME: Sigh. NO THAT'S NOT THE 80s! That is the 50s!
The boy: Well it looks really old like the 80s.
GAH!
What is that? The 80s Or Something?
ME: Sigh. NO THAT'S NOT THE 80s! That is the 50s!
The boy: Well it looks really old like the 80s.
GAH!
