Fat Man In the Eye of A Needle

I have a secret about my weight loss. It's sort of a terrible secret. I don't say it aloud. I'm struggling thinking about typing it. It's actually causing me quite a bit of sadness thinking that I'm going to type these words.

I'm a joke weight.

In terms of, I weigh a number that people toss out when they want to describe someone who is really fat. I know this because of a movie, where I first noticed it. The conversation went something like this:
"Well she's gained a bit of weight."
"Oh yeah, like what is she now?"
"Well you, big, like X"
"Oh...X eh? Wow yeah that's big."

I had that terrible moment, watching that movie, where I realized I was far bigger than that number. It's been years ago, but I've never forgotten that feeling of humiliation, of weighing MORE than the "oh that's gross" weight from the movie. I then began to notice that number being tossed around here and there in social media, in the press, movies, blogs etc. A number that was just "Oh yeah that's big."

I've lost a lot of weight. I'm always fucking hungry. I work out (not as much as I should, after all I am sitting here aren't I? I should be working out). But I'm trying. I'm trying to change my life and be healthy. I want my arthritis to POOF be gone, I want my asthma to be better, I want my stomach to stop eating itself. I don't want vascular insufficiency to continue to be an issue. I want my heart to pump with it's electrical problem to it's best ability. I want my liver and kidneys to do their job and not fail.

But despite the actual improvement in ALL of those things that I had problems with, and the things that I didn't (yet), the fact remains.

I'm a joke weight.

I feel embarrassed anymore, when someone talks about my weight loss, because I remember I'm a joke weight. I might look better, but I don't look good. I look like a person that a movie would say "WOW that's big."

I won't stop working. But I wonder now, will I ever feel like I'm at my goal? Even when I hit it. Will I ever stop chasing the concept of not looking like a joke? Of not being the gross fat girl people are making fun of in movies?

It's actually a pretty good movie, though. It's funny how stuff sticks with you.

Here's a random pic of me and the girl. Because such a whiny self indulgent post deserves a smile.

Tweet

Fat Man In the Eye of A Needle

I have a secret about my weight loss. It's sort of a terrible secret. I don't say it aloud. I'm struggling thinking about typing it. It's actually causing me quite a bit of sadness thinking that I'm going to type these words.

I'm a joke weight.

In terms of, I weigh a number that people toss out when they want to describe someone who is really fat. I know this because of a movie, where I first noticed it. The conversation went something like this:
"Well she's gained a bit of weight."
"Oh yeah, like what is she now?"
"Well you, big, like X"
"Oh...X eh? Wow yeah that's big."

I had that terrible moment, watching that movie, where I realized I was far bigger than that number. It's been years ago, but I've never forgotten that feeling of humiliation, of weighing MORE than the "oh that's gross" weight from the movie. I then began to notice that number being tossed around here and there in social media, in the press, movies, blogs etc. A number that was just "Oh yeah that's big."

I've lost a lot of weight. I'm always fucking hungry. I work out (not as much as I should, after all I am sitting here aren't I? I should be working out). But I'm trying. I'm trying to change my life and be healthy. I want my arthritis to POOF be gone, I want my asthma to be better, I want my stomach to stop eating itself. I don't want vascular insufficiency to continue to be an issue. I want my heart to pump with it's electrical problem to it's best ability. I want my liver and kidneys to do their job and not fail.

But despite the actual improvement in ALL of those things that I had problems with, and the things that I didn't (yet), the fact remains.

I'm a joke weight.

I feel embarrassed anymore, when someone talks about my weight loss, because I remember I'm a joke weight. I might look better, but I don't look good. I look like a person that a movie would say "WOW that's big."

I won't stop working. But I wonder now, will I ever feel like I'm at my goal? Even when I hit it. Will I ever stop chasing the concept of not looking like a joke? Of not being the gross fat girl people are making fun of in movies?

It's actually a pretty good movie, though. It's funny how stuff sticks with you.

Here's a random pic of me and the girl. Because such a whiny self indulgent post deserves a smile.

Tweet

The Book of My Life

I was giving the twins a scrub down, with my too big shorts on, and my grubby work tee shirt that I live in when I'm not at work (irony?) and I looked at my slightly sweaty, pony tailed self and I realized - omg, my FACE.

My face is different.

I've been through this before. I lost a bunch of weight on Weight Watchers after I had the twins, and I remember the feeling of looking in the mirror and seeing a stranger. So I'm there, but I realize that it's been happening slowly and I only just realized it. Maybe I didn't quite GET how big I had gotten or just how I looked, or maybe I did and that's why I've hated my appearance for so long. But today when I looked at my face, I saw lines, bones, smooth skin, definition. A face that is lopsided in it's own way (it's my opinion that my face is one half one parent and one half the other parent).

But, I look pretty good...

I'm not used to saying that.

I pulled up a pic from three years ago to compare - YEAH I LOVE THIS BATHROOM PIC I TOOK USING FOR EVERYTHING NOW SORRY. NOT SORRY.

But it showed me that I'm not crazy, my face is smaller. (yes i know the pics have diff perspective shut up you see what I mean)

I'm also wearing around size 24 shorts that I can't keep up, they're perpetually sliding down my hips, that's probably also a hint that I'm vanishing. It's weird that I can't seem to perceive that in the clothes, it's my face where I see it suddenly. Maybe my body was just so big to start with it's going to take longer before it looks "different" to me. It doesn't bother me to say that, shit had gotten OUT OF HAND.

I've got a lot of reasons to change my life. First of all I've got two little boys who need me to be alive as long as I possibly can, and that is going to require me to be HEALTHY. If I dropped dead tomorrow Louis and Julia would be sad, but they are both smart strong kids - they'd be ok. But as a special needs mom, I feel an obligation to walk the earth and take care of my special little guys as long as I can - to be here FOR THEM. I couldn't walk up the stairs at work. I'd say arthritis was the cause, but folks, I STILL HAVE ARTHRITIS and I can run up those suckers now. My parents own bad health of late is another motivator. We aren't healthy people. I'm 46, it's not too late for me to stave off health issues that I see both of them battling.

Even my dad's dementia can be linked to his arterial decline which is directly related to his diet.

I'm not on a diet. I'm not on a health kick. I'm not into a fad.

I'm changing my life. I'm changing who I am, biologically speaking. I might never make my goal weight but I actually think I will. In fact, I can't imagine I won't make it. Losing weight isn't brain surgery. Change your habits, and work out.

Now, if only that were SO EASY.

I'll get there slowly but I'd like another 46 years if possible.

I won't ever be perfect, because the perfect in my head doesn't exist. But it was kind of weird today to look in the mirror and think man, I kind of look ok. In fact, I look kind of good. I'm not used to feeling that way at all.

75 pounds to go.
Tweet

The Book of My Life

I was giving the twins a scrub down, with my too big shorts on, and my grubby work tee shirt that I live in when I'm not at work (irony?) and I looked at my slightly sweaty, pony tailed self and I realized - omg, my FACE.

My face is different.

I've been through this before. I lost a bunch of weight on Weight Watchers after I had the twins, and I remember the feeling of looking in the mirror and seeing a stranger. So I'm there, but I realize that it's been happening slowly and I only just realized it. Maybe I didn't quite GET how big I had gotten or just how I looked, or maybe I did and that's why I've hated my appearance for so long. But today when I looked at my face, I saw lines, bones, smooth skin, definition. A face that is lopsided in it's own way (it's my opinion that my face is one half one parent and one half the other parent).

But, I look pretty good...

I'm not used to saying that.

I pulled up a pic from three years ago to compare - YEAH I LOVE THIS BATHROOM PIC I TOOK USING FOR EVERYTHING NOW SORRY. NOT SORRY.

But it showed me that I'm not crazy, my face is smaller. (yes i know the pics have diff perspective shut up you see what I mean)

I'm also wearing around size 24 shorts that I can't keep up, they're perpetually sliding down my hips, that's probably also a hint that I'm vanishing. It's weird that I can't seem to perceive that in the clothes, it's my face where I see it suddenly. Maybe my body was just so big to start with it's going to take longer before it looks "different" to me. It doesn't bother me to say that, shit had gotten OUT OF HAND.

I've got a lot of reasons to change my life. First of all I've got two little boys who need me to be alive as long as I possibly can, and that is going to require me to be HEALTHY. If I dropped dead tomorrow Louis and Julia would be sad, but they are both smart strong kids - they'd be ok. But as a special needs mom, I feel an obligation to walk the earth and take care of my special little guys as long as I can - to be here FOR THEM. I couldn't walk up the stairs at work. I'd say arthritis was the cause, but folks, I STILL HAVE ARTHRITIS and I can run up those suckers now. My parents own bad health of late is another motivator. We aren't healthy people. I'm 46, it's not too late for me to stave off health issues that I see both of them battling.

Even my dad's dementia can be linked to his arterial decline which is directly related to his diet.

I'm not on a diet. I'm not on a health kick. I'm not into a fad.

I'm changing my life. I'm changing who I am, biologically speaking. I might never make my goal weight but I actually think I will. In fact, I can't imagine I won't make it. Losing weight isn't brain surgery. Change your habits, and work out.

Now, if only that were SO EASY.

I'll get there slowly but I'd like another 46 years if possible.

I won't ever be perfect, because the perfect in my head doesn't exist. But it was kind of weird today to look in the mirror and think man, I kind of look ok. In fact, I look kind of good. I'm not used to feeling that way at all.

75 pounds to go.
Tweet

Two Moments of Rage at Walmart

I've been remiss in posting this past week - we hopped off on a little family vacation and I've been enmeshed in enjoying my family more than being digitally attached. So I'm a little behind in reading you and obviously I haven't had anything to say.
However, I went to WalMart today and came home with lots of things to say......most of them angry.
I think I was in a cranky mood because I went to pick up some contacts and the vision center was closed. Then I went to the Pharmacy to pick up my Albuterol. After standing in line behind a Walmart employee WITHOUT HER LITTLE ID CARD and who no manager on duty seemed to know despite the number of them that were called over to identify her, for 20 minutes until someone DID recognize her that I learned that ALBUTEROL IS NO MORE in it's current form.
Because all of us asthmatics were tearing giant continent sized holes in the ozone because of the CFCs in our metered doses. All you fuckers who drive one block to go the grocery store and keep the AC on in your car all the time - sitting at the bank, in the drive throughs, etc etc etc you weren't having any effect at all I'm sure......and I'm sure that pharmaceutical companies aren't at all interested in the AWESOME sales increases that they are going to see now that they are getting to produce BRAND NAME NEW DRUGS and not have to take the loss on the generics that everyone was getting for $4 at Walmart. AWESOME. No special interest funding this change I'm sure. Especially those of us without health insurance - that won't be able to AFFORD the new brand name I'm sure. I am so freaking ANGRY about this. It's so blatantly just about the money. The TINY bit of CFC in our metered doses wasn't doing shit. And all you pharmaceutical company bastards know it.

So I'm standing in line at the Walmart, reduced to realizing that THIS is what terror is......not being able to afford the medicine you need to BREATHE. And that way too many people live this way all the time. I guess I'll stay off the inhaler I HAVE as much as possible - try not to get winded.....try not to be around strong odors and hope.......that I have medicine with me if something turns my lungs spongy and tight.

Then I putz around trying to shake off the impending tears of rage, pick up a few things here and there and while standing in the check out line I'm reduced to another fit of rage......but this one truly just baffled me. It is, without a doubt, the single most offensive to women magazine cover I've ever seen. What schizophrenic put this together?



Let me see if I got this right........these two lost a bunch of weight, here are some brownies you can make, fight the belly fat but it's okay to be a couch potato? Are there MORE conflicting messages you can send? So you're tantalizing the fatties with those delicious brownies on the front but also appealing to their FAT GUILT by putting all the weightloss crap on the cover. What a load of shit.
I bought the magazine to scan the cover but seriously, I hated giving these fuckers any of my money.

But I might make the brownies.

Two Moments of Rage at Walmart

I've been remiss in posting this past week - we hopped off on a little family vacation and I've been enmeshed in enjoying my family more than being digitally attached. So I'm a little behind in reading you and obviously I haven't had anything to say.
However, I went to WalMart today and came home with lots of things to say......most of them angry.
I think I was in a cranky mood because I went to pick up some contacts and the vision center was closed. Then I went to the Pharmacy to pick up my Albuterol. After standing in line behind a Walmart employee WITHOUT HER LITTLE ID CARD and who no manager on duty seemed to know despite the number of them that were called over to identify her, for 20 minutes until someone DID recognize her that I learned that ALBUTEROL IS NO MORE in it's current form.
Because all of us asthmatics were tearing giant continent sized holes in the ozone because of the CFCs in our metered doses. All you fuckers who drive one block to go the grocery store and keep the AC on in your car all the time - sitting at the bank, in the drive throughs, etc etc etc you weren't having any effect at all I'm sure......and I'm sure that pharmaceutical companies aren't at all interested in the AWESOME sales increases that they are going to see now that they are getting to produce BRAND NAME NEW DRUGS and not have to take the loss on the generics that everyone was getting for $4 at Walmart. AWESOME. No special interest funding this change I'm sure. Especially those of us without health insurance - that won't be able to AFFORD the new brand name I'm sure. I am so freaking ANGRY about this. It's so blatantly just about the money. The TINY bit of CFC in our metered doses wasn't doing shit. And all you pharmaceutical company bastards know it.

So I'm standing in line at the Walmart, reduced to realizing that THIS is what terror is......not being able to afford the medicine you need to BREATHE. And that way too many people live this way all the time. I guess I'll stay off the inhaler I HAVE as much as possible - try not to get winded.....try not to be around strong odors and hope.......that I have medicine with me if something turns my lungs spongy and tight.

Then I putz around trying to shake off the impending tears of rage, pick up a few things here and there and while standing in the check out line I'm reduced to another fit of rage......but this one truly just baffled me. It is, without a doubt, the single most offensive to women magazine cover I've ever seen. What schizophrenic put this together?



Let me see if I got this right........these two lost a bunch of weight, here are some brownies you can make, fight the belly fat but it's okay to be a couch potato? Are there MORE conflicting messages you can send? So you're tantalizing the fatties with those delicious brownies on the front but also appealing to their FAT GUILT by putting all the weightloss crap on the cover. What a load of shit.
I bought the magazine to scan the cover but seriously, I hated giving these fuckers any of my money.

But I might make the brownies.

Ringing In the New Year - Mommy Style

My good friends up at the FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE were throwing a fine bash for New Years Eve, complete with the option of spending the night. There would be a bonfire, lotsa beverages and music and a generally fine social evening had by all. But it didn't feel right, bringing in the New Year without my family - and even though everyone is WELCOME at their house, I'm not the kind of parent who brings two year olds to an adult party.
So we stayed home and partied like parents. Some of the activities we engaged in to ring in the New Year included......

And just to make you jealous we did a little of this.

That's right. We know how to party.

If you are wondering, yes I have New Years Resolutions.
And now I will bore you with them.

1. I will lose weight. I'm going back on WW even if we can't get an AT WORK meeting going. I'm also going to keep track of my weight on Traineo.com because it's free vs. the WW site which is not.
2. I will work out three times a week. I will return to following my leader Billy Blanks despite how crazy he talks on his DVDs.
3. I will complete my childrens baby books. I had a great start on Little Satchmo's when he was a baby but then after a while I just lost the thread. And while I obtained TWIN baby books for the twins, I never even filled them out. SHAME ON ME.
4. I will take all the freaking clothes I can't wear, won't wear, or HATE and will take them to GOODWILL rather than hanging on to them for no apparent reason (current mode of operation).


Lofty Goals.....indeed.

Ringing In the New Year - Mommy Style

My good friends up at the FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE were throwing a fine bash for New Years Eve, complete with the option of spending the night. There would be a bonfire, lotsa beverages and music and a generally fine social evening had by all. But it didn't feel right, bringing in the New Year without my family - and even though everyone is WELCOME at their house, I'm not the kind of parent who brings two year olds to an adult party.
So we stayed home and partied like parents. Some of the activities we engaged in to ring in the New Year included......

And just to make you jealous we did a little of this.

That's right. We know how to party.

If you are wondering, yes I have New Years Resolutions.
And now I will bore you with them.

1. I will lose weight. I'm going back on WW even if we can't get an AT WORK meeting going. I'm also going to keep track of my weight on Traineo.com because it's free vs. the WW site which is not.
2. I will work out three times a week. I will return to following my leader Billy Blanks despite how crazy he talks on his DVDs.
3. I will complete my childrens baby books. I had a great start on Little Satchmo's when he was a baby but then after a while I just lost the thread. And while I obtained TWIN baby books for the twins, I never even filled them out. SHAME ON ME.
4. I will take all the freaking clothes I can't wear, won't wear, or HATE and will take them to GOODWILL rather than hanging on to them for no apparent reason (current mode of operation).


Lofty Goals.....indeed.

Help Me Help You

Or, just help me.
Here is the problem.
SWEETS.
I am a sweets junkie. I can eat sweets like there is no tomorrow.
And I want to go back WW after the first of the year. I want to re-establish myself as a disciple of my lord and master BILLY BLANKS. Cuz I lost weight, and I'm down to an 18 which might not sound so skinny unless you knew that I was sporting a 26-28 quite comfortably this time last year. So yeah, I know that Billy and WW work.
But you see, there is candy, and treats of various ilk just lying about.
SO I have a plan.
The Queen already confessed that despite her ass toning gym workout today she splurged on fudge, and then told me she ate the rest of the christmas cookies. I don't chide. I say WELL DONE!
Eat them up! Get thee behind me Satan! Or as Fat Bastard would say, "GET IN MY BELLY!"
Personally, I'm on a mission to consume every sweet possible prior to the new year.
If I get as many of them consumed between now and then as possible, then they won't be here to torture me when I'm counting points again, right? I'm consuming. I'm eating Chocolate Raspberry covered almonds, sugared fruit slices, maple nut goodies, christmas cookies, chocolate covered bing cherries and blueberries from Harry and David, candy candy candy candy etc.
You get the picture.
I must consume.

So, while I eat myself into a food coma, just remember this.

January I'm going to be bitter as hell. But hopefully, getting thinner.
My husbands request is that I not lose my back fat. I think that if I can lose the rest, the back fat can remain. I can't see my back anyway.

In other, unrelated news.......pirates have invaded my home.

Help Me Help You

Or, just help me.
Here is the problem.
SWEETS.
I am a sweets junkie. I can eat sweets like there is no tomorrow.
And I want to go back WW after the first of the year. I want to re-establish myself as a disciple of my lord and master BILLY BLANKS. Cuz I lost weight, and I'm down to an 18 which might not sound so skinny unless you knew that I was sporting a 26-28 quite comfortably this time last year. So yeah, I know that Billy and WW work.
But you see, there is candy, and treats of various ilk just lying about.
SO I have a plan.
The Queen already confessed that despite her ass toning gym workout today she splurged on fudge, and then told me she ate the rest of the christmas cookies. I don't chide. I say WELL DONE!
Eat them up! Get thee behind me Satan! Or as Fat Bastard would say, "GET IN MY BELLY!"
Personally, I'm on a mission to consume every sweet possible prior to the new year.
If I get as many of them consumed between now and then as possible, then they won't be here to torture me when I'm counting points again, right? I'm consuming. I'm eating Chocolate Raspberry covered almonds, sugared fruit slices, maple nut goodies, christmas cookies, chocolate covered bing cherries and blueberries from Harry and David, candy candy candy candy etc.
You get the picture.
I must consume.

So, while I eat myself into a food coma, just remember this.

January I'm going to be bitter as hell. But hopefully, getting thinner.
My husbands request is that I not lose my back fat. I think that if I can lose the rest, the back fat can remain. I can't see my back anyway.

In other, unrelated news.......pirates have invaded my home.