The Facets of Infertility

Infertility is a multifaceted gemstone that none of us want. Each side has it's own problem and it's own resolution. So far I've experienced three of them.

• Unable to get pregnant - which I thought was the worst but was wrong. That was simply frustration - WHY AM I NOT PREGNANT and the like.
• Able to get pregnant but miscarrying each time - which we've gone through a couple of times now in the last couple of years.
• Suddenly pregnant for no reason - which is the best side of that particular stone I'm sure you agree. I personally thought it rocked.

I guess I mistakenly thought that pregnancy in my world had two stories, it would work out or it would not. My pregnancies which worked out went off just great. My pregnancies which miscarried failed fast and early.

I wasn't aware I had turned the stone to look into another side.

Pregnancy which is fine but you body seems to not be a willing participant in.

At six weeks pregnant I have great hormone levels, a baby with a heartbeat (yes I saw it) but - I'm bleeding. Who knows why? I'm on bedrest, laying down as much as I can.

Everything is FINE, but everything is not fine.

So I don't know what is going to happen. But I am hopeful. I lay in my bed and on the sofa and I wait and I hope.

I hope it is enough.

The Facets of Infertility

Infertility is a multifaceted gemstone that none of us want. Each side has it's own problem and it's own resolution. So far I've experienced three of them.

• Unable to get pregnant - which I thought was the worst but was wrong. That was simply frustration - WHY AM I NOT PREGNANT and the like.
• Able to get pregnant but miscarrying each time - which we've gone through a couple of times now in the last couple of years.
• Suddenly pregnant for no reason - which is the best side of that particular stone I'm sure you agree. I personally thought it rocked.

I guess I mistakenly thought that pregnancy in my world had two stories, it would work out or it would not. My pregnancies which worked out went off just great. My pregnancies which miscarried failed fast and early.

I wasn't aware I had turned the stone to look into another side.

Pregnancy which is fine but you body seems to not be a willing participant in.

At six weeks pregnant I have great hormone levels, a baby with a heartbeat (yes I saw it) but - I'm bleeding. Who knows why? I'm on bedrest, laying down as much as I can.

Everything is FINE, but everything is not fine.

So I don't know what is going to happen. But I am hopeful. I lay in my bed and on the sofa and I wait and I hope.

I hope it is enough.

Fog Lifting.

I am about to tell you a secret. It doesn't have a happy ending. Or maybe it does - you'll have to decide.

I am now coming out of a fog, induced by several weeks of drug induced lethargy and exhaustion. It was prescribed to me by my new OBGYN.


I like my new OBGYN.

He's very honest and forthright about things, and so when I went in with one of these....

he did an ultrasound straight away. And wouldn't you know, I was unbelievably hardly even pregnant at all - only about 5 weeks - so small you could BARELY SEE anything on the ultrasound. I saw a round circle, which he called the egg sack. I asked him if anyone was home in said egg sack and he said he couldn't tell - but not to worry, at this stage it's normal not to see.


But given my age and spotting which was occurring he put me on said drug - PROMETRIUM which has been kicking my ass for weeks. The lethargy, the overwhelming tiredness has truly not been conducive to starting a new job - let me tell you. Plus the moody, hormone overload my husband has had to endure. Prometrium reminds me of Nyqil - don't make any plans.

You take progesterone every 6 hours and tell me it doesn't make you half crazy. I could barely function some days but still slogged through the minimum. Get up, get the kid up, get him to the bus stop - get me to work.

Work, work, lunch, work work, go home, collapse. Cry a lot. Be unable to eat properly, go to bed early. Feel sick and like you're going to just barf 24/7.


Then I went back for my 8 week visit - and another ultrasound.


I am told, that the positive side of this situation is truly medical science. He could take a quick look inside and see that what we had was not in fact a baby, but a clump of fertilized cells that never actually grew properly, and that our growth rate was basically zero from where it was three weeks prior.
He tells me, in his office after the ultrasound, that back in the pre-ultrasound days, they had to wait and wait for the heartbeat. And if there was no heart beat - some time after month 4, only THEN could they call it.
So I'm glad, that science was there for me, at week 8 with a heads up that all was not well.

I quit taking the Prometrium on Thursday. On Saturday morning I woke up and fired off an email to my friend Cajsa, to tell her that I FELT BETTER. I felt normal.

The fog was lifting.

Was I sad? Yes, we were both very sad. I think we were "pregnant" long enough to settle into the idea. But, I'm also so thankful that it wasn't three months later - and suddenly gee we're sorry this isn't a baby.

Without the hormones mother nature is taking her course. I had the option of a d&c but didn't really see the point, of course I'll go if something seems awry.

But I feel better, truly, while feeling bad. Maybe I felt bad because my body didn't want me to be forcing it to keep my little cluster of human cells, and that contributed to my lack of well being. All I know is, that despite feeling terrible, I still sort of feel better.

Heartbroken, but better.

Fog Lifting.

I am about to tell you a secret. It doesn't have a happy ending. Or maybe it does - you'll have to decide.

I am now coming out of a fog, induced by several weeks of drug induced lethargy and exhaustion. It was prescribed to me by my new OBGYN.


I like my new OBGYN.

He's very honest and forthright about things, and so when I went in with one of these....

he did an ultrasound straight away. And wouldn't you know, I was unbelievably hardly even pregnant at all - only about 5 weeks - so small you could BARELY SEE anything on the ultrasound. I saw a round circle, which he called the egg sack. I asked him if anyone was home in said egg sack and he said he couldn't tell - but not to worry, at this stage it's normal not to see.


But given my age and spotting which was occurring he put me on said drug - PROMETRIUM which has been kicking my ass for weeks. The lethargy, the overwhelming tiredness has truly not been conducive to starting a new job - let me tell you. Plus the moody, hormone overload my husband has had to endure. Prometrium reminds me of Nyqil - don't make any plans.

You take progesterone every 6 hours and tell me it doesn't make you half crazy. I could barely function some days but still slogged through the minimum. Get up, get the kid up, get him to the bus stop - get me to work.

Work, work, lunch, work work, go home, collapse. Cry a lot. Be unable to eat properly, go to bed early. Feel sick and like you're going to just barf 24/7.


Then I went back for my 8 week visit - and another ultrasound.


I am told, that the positive side of this situation is truly medical science. He could take a quick look inside and see that what we had was not in fact a baby, but a clump of fertilized cells that never actually grew properly, and that our growth rate was basically zero from where it was three weeks prior.
He tells me, in his office after the ultrasound, that back in the pre-ultrasound days, they had to wait and wait for the heartbeat. And if there was no heart beat - some time after month 4, only THEN could they call it.
So I'm glad, that science was there for me, at week 8 with a heads up that all was not well.

I quit taking the Prometrium on Thursday. On Saturday morning I woke up and fired off an email to my friend Cajsa, to tell her that I FELT BETTER. I felt normal.

The fog was lifting.

Was I sad? Yes, we were both very sad. I think we were "pregnant" long enough to settle into the idea. But, I'm also so thankful that it wasn't three months later - and suddenly gee we're sorry this isn't a baby.

Without the hormones mother nature is taking her course. I had the option of a d&c but didn't really see the point, of course I'll go if something seems awry.

But I feel better, truly, while feeling bad. Maybe I felt bad because my body didn't want me to be forcing it to keep my little cluster of human cells, and that contributed to my lack of well being. All I know is, that despite feeling terrible, I still sort of feel better.

Heartbroken, but better.