Contentment

I was driving home today, or rather sitting on the highway outside of Atlanta, in the 100 degree heat. My SUV was jam packed with a swing set recently acquired from FREECYCLE. Swinging from one of the poles, that will one day very soon support swings or a glider or a slide, was a long strand of gossamer......and swaying in the hot wind was a very small spider. Since the cars weren't actually moving, I sat and watched it. It was trying its best to get UP the strand,but the wind which was coming from HELL itself apparently was keeping it from making proper progress.

I realized watching it that just a very few weeks ago I was a lot like that spider.

I couldn't progress. I couldn't get off the couch and get dressed. I couldn't get into the shower.

I was swinging at the end of a gossamer thread that I didn't really even know I was there.

I have had a lot of people ask me about my "depression" and it feels so odd, just a few weeks later, to have forgotten that helplessness, that hopelessness that was driving me then. Within days of returning to work my sense of purpose returned, my joy came back and I felt like me again.

Yes, it's hard to have a new baby and two special needs children and an older child who also wants my attention PLUS work full time. But it was harder to be here and completely ineffectual in every action I took. I wasn't a good Mom to anyone. I wasn't a good friend, or much of a good anything.

So at 2am, when she won't sleep I've got my copy of AMERICAN GODS next to the bed and I know that I'm going to be tired tomorrow. And I'll read while she wiggles and finds her comfy spot in my arms, and then when she finally decides she can sleep I'll deposit her in her bed and return to mine.

And I'm great with that.

How's my depression? What depression?

Contentment

I was driving home today, or rather sitting on the highway outside of Atlanta, in the 100 degree heat. My SUV was jam packed with a swing set recently acquired from FREECYCLE. Swinging from one of the poles, that will one day very soon support swings or a glider or a slide, was a long strand of gossamer......and swaying in the hot wind was a very small spider. Since the cars weren't actually moving, I sat and watched it. It was trying its best to get UP the strand,but the wind which was coming from HELL itself apparently was keeping it from making proper progress.

I realized watching it that just a very few weeks ago I was a lot like that spider.

I couldn't progress. I couldn't get off the couch and get dressed. I couldn't get into the shower.

I was swinging at the end of a gossamer thread that I didn't really even know I was there.

I have had a lot of people ask me about my "depression" and it feels so odd, just a few weeks later, to have forgotten that helplessness, that hopelessness that was driving me then. Within days of returning to work my sense of purpose returned, my joy came back and I felt like me again.

Yes, it's hard to have a new baby and two special needs children and an older child who also wants my attention PLUS work full time. But it was harder to be here and completely ineffectual in every action I took. I wasn't a good Mom to anyone. I wasn't a good friend, or much of a good anything.

So at 2am, when she won't sleep I've got my copy of AMERICAN GODS next to the bed and I know that I'm going to be tired tomorrow. And I'll read while she wiggles and finds her comfy spot in my arms, and then when she finally decides she can sleep I'll deposit her in her bed and return to mine.

And I'm great with that.

How's my depression? What depression?

The One Where I Join the Herd

In what I consider to be a very annoying turn of events, I've been diagnosed with post-partum depression.

Truth be told, I pretty much already knew I had it. My complete disinterest in everything in the world, my lack of interest in blogging, my lack of desire for changing my clothes for days on end - yeah - I'm not an idiot. I knew I was wallowing in depression. Then there was the agoraphobia which may or may not be settling in. I had a panic attack in a shop in North Carolina, I was convinced someone in there was going to speak to me - WHICH I DID NOT WANT. I don't know why. I just desperately did not want them to talk to me.

I also felt overwhelmingly like I did not know how to BE in a shop.

Which makes no sense. I realize this. I didn't know........how to shop. What I was supposed to be doing. And I felt like everyone was staring at me.

It also happened at Walmart with the exception that I KNEW how to be at Walmart, I just again was gripped by the sense that everyone was staring at me, and that someone was going to speak to me.



So I went to my OBGYN yesterday and he asked me how I was and I rather burst into tears.



And he said "Yeah,that's what I thought. I could tell you weren't yourself when I walked in."



So I walked out with a prescription for Lexapro which has a list of side effects a mile long. And while he said it's the consensus that it's safe to take while you breastfeed - the bottle says DO NOT TAKE WHILE BREASTFEEDING and let's face it, how BRIGHT could it possibly be to take on the off chance it could even slightly alter my beautiful girl?



I'm supposed to be aware when driving or using heavy machinery. NO FORKLIFT FOR ME!



I haven't taken any yet.



Because...........



I don't want to.



I WILL take them. I just have to get my mind around it. I used to work at a place where EVERY SINGLE FEMALE PEER was on some sort of anti-depressant. It was more fashionable than the FGWP at Clinique. I have always held fast to the belief that being depressed was a signal to make changes, to examine your life and do what you needed to do to improve - NOT TO MEDICATE YOURSELF.

And yeah, I do realize that some people are truly chemically imbalanced. But I don't think we all can be.



So I dunno what to think. I had a good day at work. I wasn't scared or worried while I was there. I came home reasonably happy and I'm holding the small pink love of my life in my arms. (Not to be confused with the small blue loves of my life or the larger blue love of my life).



But....I realize I need something. I'm not right. Dear god no one should get nervous at the Walmart - except from the sight of the damn PEOPLE of Walmart, not the place.



So.....this should be interesting. To say the least.



I leave you, with a vid of my big boy - jousting at the Renn Faire.

The One Where I Join the Herd

In what I consider to be a very annoying turn of events, I've been diagnosed with post-partum depression.

Truth be told, I pretty much already knew I had it. My complete disinterest in everything in the world, my lack of interest in blogging, my lack of desire for changing my clothes for days on end - yeah - I'm not an idiot. I knew I was wallowing in depression. Then there was the agoraphobia which may or may not be settling in. I had a panic attack in a shop in North Carolina, I was convinced someone in there was going to speak to me - WHICH I DID NOT WANT. I don't know why. I just desperately did not want them to talk to me.

I also felt overwhelmingly like I did not know how to BE in a shop.

Which makes no sense. I realize this. I didn't know........how to shop. What I was supposed to be doing. And I felt like everyone was staring at me.

It also happened at Walmart with the exception that I KNEW how to be at Walmart, I just again was gripped by the sense that everyone was staring at me, and that someone was going to speak to me.



So I went to my OBGYN yesterday and he asked me how I was and I rather burst into tears.



And he said "Yeah,that's what I thought. I could tell you weren't yourself when I walked in."



So I walked out with a prescription for Lexapro which has a list of side effects a mile long. And while he said it's the consensus that it's safe to take while you breastfeed - the bottle says DO NOT TAKE WHILE BREASTFEEDING and let's face it, how BRIGHT could it possibly be to take on the off chance it could even slightly alter my beautiful girl?



I'm supposed to be aware when driving or using heavy machinery. NO FORKLIFT FOR ME!



I haven't taken any yet.



Because...........



I don't want to.



I WILL take them. I just have to get my mind around it. I used to work at a place where EVERY SINGLE FEMALE PEER was on some sort of anti-depressant. It was more fashionable than the FGWP at Clinique. I have always held fast to the belief that being depressed was a signal to make changes, to examine your life and do what you needed to do to improve - NOT TO MEDICATE YOURSELF.

And yeah, I do realize that some people are truly chemically imbalanced. But I don't think we all can be.



So I dunno what to think. I had a good day at work. I wasn't scared or worried while I was there. I came home reasonably happy and I'm holding the small pink love of my life in my arms. (Not to be confused with the small blue loves of my life or the larger blue love of my life).



But....I realize I need something. I'm not right. Dear god no one should get nervous at the Walmart - except from the sight of the damn PEOPLE of Walmart, not the place.



So.....this should be interesting. To say the least.



I leave you, with a vid of my big boy - jousting at the Renn Faire.

How's The New Job?

It's kinda like this.

Now add in a corner office, executive parking, pool tables, foosball and pingpong in the break room.

Yea, I'm tired. But it rocks.

:)

Sorry if you emailed and I haven't emailed back.......I promise your note isn't lost......I'm just wiped out. I've been on summer vacation you see.......

How's The New Job?

It's kinda like this.

Now add in a corner office, executive parking, pool tables, foosball and pingpong in the break room.

Yea, I'm tired. But it rocks.

:)

Sorry if you emailed and I haven't emailed back.......I promise your note isn't lost......I'm just wiped out. I've been on summer vacation you see.......