Semi Trucks and Hot Wax

I'm busy having a midlife crisis or so I hear, and in the spirit of that I'm embracing new things and trying to expand my boundaries.
I did something quite new on Monday. I was leaving work to go meet my family to buy shoes for the kids since they were off for President's day, and got hit by a semi.
That was new.

I haven't ever been in accident as an adult, nor as a driver. I was in the car once when my mom was hit head on by a dude who crossed the center lane. It was before cell phones and I don't even remember it that well. It was pouring rain, and it all took a long time. Those things I recall.

This dude was stopped and then decided to back up and when it was all said and done the front of my van was slammed into his tires. Luckily I had actually stopped, thinking he'd see me and stop also. I had nowhere to go and watching that big old rig keep backing up was one of the least pleasant experiences of my week. I could have bailed out, had he continued to back up and smoosh my car. But luckily he felt or heard the impact and stopped.

So that's a thing I can say I have done. I have been hit by a semi. I think most people are not quite so fortunate as I. I've got this strained IT band thing, causing me some hip pain and soreness. I'm probably going to talk to my doctor about it again because it's not much better but all in all I know full well it could have been MUCH worse.

The other thing I did was add to my personal grooming routine. While it's pretty well established that I'm an eyebrow threading addict, and I love a good mani/pedi like all other surburban dweller females, now I've adding a new level of WAXING to my life.

I went and got the Brazilian wax.

I went to Brazilian Wax by Andrea which is a local chain and is RIDICULOUSLY CHEAP. It's supposed to be one of the best places around for this sort of shenanigans and I figured I am almost 50 let's live a little. I've done funky colors thanks to Betty Beauty. I've done shaving. I've done 70s porn bush. I've rocked the gauntlet with the except of adding a merkin. I thought it was time to spread my wings, so to speak.

So first of all, this isn't for the modest. I've had four kids so I'm all out of modesty. A small waif of a human, possibly an elf, with a shocking red color of hair came in and began chatting me up and she slathered lava on my crotch.

Oddly, it wasn't that bad, sort of like wow that's hot but then it got better.

We chatted about Betty Beauty (above linked) and various waxing things and the EpiLady of old and somewhere in all this chatter she began THE REMOVAL.

Honestly, it just wasn't that bad.

If you've ever had your eyebrows waxed okay yes, it feels exactly like that. It feels like that OVER a greater area of skin at one time but it's just exactly like that. It wasn't some sort of fresh hell of agony invented by the Great Satan to torture us ladies for Eve's sins. No it just was just, "Oh Damn" and then it was over. Now repeat that few times.

There's a bit of an indignity as you're making small talk with someone who's busily grooming your crotch but let's face it, you wouldn't be waxing off your pubes if you were hugely concerned about your dignity now would you?

There is nothing dignified about spreading your ass cheeks while laying face down so she can clean up your "rear area". If dignity is high on your list, leave this off.

I had to take a week off from working out after the accident, so I've spent it eating candy and losing my dignity at the hands of an elf human hybrid.

But hey, now I can say that's another thing I've done. I'm going back for legs and armpits - and will I keep the Brazilian?

Wouldn't you like to know?

Semi Trucks and Hot Wax

I'm busy having a midlife crisis or so I hear, and in the spirit of that I'm embracing new things and trying to expand my boundaries.
I did something quite new on Monday. I was leaving work to go meet my family to buy shoes for the kids since they were off for President's day, and got hit by a semi.
That was new.

I haven't ever been in accident as an adult, nor as a driver. I was in the car once when my mom was hit head on by a dude who crossed the center lane. It was before cell phones and I don't even remember it that well. It was pouring rain, and it all took a long time. Those things I recall.

This dude was stopped and then decided to back up and when it was all said and done the front of my van was slammed into his tires. Luckily I had actually stopped, thinking he'd see me and stop also. I had nowhere to go and watching that big old rig keep backing up was one of the least pleasant experiences of my week. I could have bailed out, had he continued to back up and smoosh my car. But luckily he felt or heard the impact and stopped.

So that's a thing I can say I have done. I have been hit by a semi. I think most people are not quite so fortunate as I. I've got this strained IT band thing, causing me some hip pain and soreness. I'm probably going to talk to my doctor about it again because it's not much better but all in all I know full well it could have been MUCH worse.

The other thing I did was add to my personal grooming routine. While it's pretty well established that I'm an eyebrow threading addict, and I love a good mani/pedi like all other surburban dweller females, now I've adding a new level of WAXING to my life.

I went and got the Brazilian wax.

I went to Brazilian Wax by Andrea which is a local chain and is RIDICULOUSLY CHEAP. It's supposed to be one of the best places around for this sort of shenanigans and I figured I am almost 50 let's live a little. I've done funky colors thanks to Betty Beauty. I've done shaving. I've done 70s porn bush. I've rocked the gauntlet with the except of adding a merkin. I thought it was time to spread my wings, so to speak.

So first of all, this isn't for the modest. I've had four kids so I'm all out of modesty. A small waif of a human, possibly an elf, with a shocking red color of hair came in and began chatting me up and she slathered lava on my crotch.

Oddly, it wasn't that bad, sort of like wow that's hot but then it got better.

We chatted about Betty Beauty (above linked) and various waxing things and the EpiLady of old and somewhere in all this chatter she began THE REMOVAL.

Honestly, it just wasn't that bad.

If you've ever had your eyebrows waxed okay yes, it feels exactly like that. It feels like that OVER a greater area of skin at one time but it's just exactly like that. It wasn't some sort of fresh hell of agony invented by the Great Satan to torture us ladies for Eve's sins. No it just was just, "Oh Damn" and then it was over. Now repeat that few times.

There's a bit of an indignity as you're making small talk with someone who's busily grooming your crotch but let's face it, you wouldn't be waxing off your pubes if you were hugely concerned about your dignity now would you?

There is nothing dignified about spreading your ass cheeks while laying face down so she can clean up your "rear area". If dignity is high on your list, leave this off.

I had to take a week off from working out after the accident, so I've spent it eating candy and losing my dignity at the hands of an elf human hybrid.

But hey, now I can say that's another thing I've done. I'm going back for legs and armpits - and will I keep the Brazilian?

Wouldn't you like to know?

Back To Life

I arrived home Monday night via plane, train and automobile (thanks Cheryl) and walked back into so called normal life with a quick step.

Louis was excited to ride the train but the stress of the previous week caught up somewhere about Five Points station and even that kid started to nod off.
Back to juggling the autism vs. the typical started up day two, as Charlie took a liking to a pretty ribbon that came with some Hello Kitty towels my Mom had gotten Julia. Julia wanted it, she was going to have  Snow White go mountain climbing with it.
Parentingwise it was an easy call, Charlie had it first. You were playing with something else. Charlie doesn't have to quit playing with that JUST because you decided you want it. But then there were tears. There were reasons. "But it's MINE. Grandma got those towels for ME."
I too had reasons. "Julia," I asked. "What does CHARLIE like to play with?" She answered "Strings." So then I asked, "And you have a whole house FULL of toys that you like to play with, right?" And then she agrees that this is true but climbs up onto my lap to sob because that string is the only thing she could ever possibly want to play with.

There were tears and sobbing and cuddles until she forgot about it and went on to play with something else.

I'm glad I don't remember how incredibly hard it is to be four. I feel like my boss might give me the side eye if I cried like that every time something didn't go my way.


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Back To Life

I arrived home Monday night via plane, train and automobile (thanks Cheryl) and walked back into so called normal life with a quick step.

Louis was excited to ride the train but the stress of the previous week caught up somewhere about Five Points station and even that kid started to nod off.
Back to juggling the autism vs. the typical started up day two, as Charlie took a liking to a pretty ribbon that came with some Hello Kitty towels my Mom had gotten Julia. Julia wanted it, she was going to have  Snow White go mountain climbing with it.
Parentingwise it was an easy call, Charlie had it first. You were playing with something else. Charlie doesn't have to quit playing with that JUST because you decided you want it. But then there were tears. There were reasons. "But it's MINE. Grandma got those towels for ME."
I too had reasons. "Julia," I asked. "What does CHARLIE like to play with?" She answered "Strings." So then I asked, "And you have a whole house FULL of toys that you like to play with, right?" And then she agrees that this is true but climbs up onto my lap to sob because that string is the only thing she could ever possibly want to play with.

There were tears and sobbing and cuddles until she forgot about it and went on to play with something else.

I'm glad I don't remember how incredibly hard it is to be four. I feel like my boss might give me the side eye if I cried like that every time something didn't go my way.


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More Wisdom From Keith

So 2011 isn't starting out all that keen really, thus I thought I'd turn back to Keith for guidance and help as I sort my way through the chaos that is my life.

The day started out simply enough, we were going out to brunch on New Years Day. We were going to one of our favorite local spots where the food is delicious.

It was pouring rain, so I grabbed the boys and the husband snatched the baby carrier and we dashed inside.

"Table for six please and we need a high chair."

Now, that SEEMS simple enough, doesn't it? A VERY simple request. A table to accomodate six humans. Also, you are looking at us with your eyes, so you can see, that indeed we are SIX humans.

The hostess comes to fetch up and says "due to health code rules we can't turn the high chair upside down."

Ummmm, what?

She says it again - and we realize she means to put the car carrier in it (some people do this for some reason). We say "We don't want to do that. We just need a high chair."

The someone else says "You can just slide the car seat in a booth."

Again, WE DON'T WANT to do that. WE WANT A TABLE and WE WANT A HIGH CHAIR.

We get to the table and then she says "We can't put the car seat on top of the high chair" and I SWEAR I nearly exploded.

What I did NOT say was "DID I EVEN ASK YOU TO PUT THE CAR SEAT ON TOP OF THE HIGH CHAIR???"

We just said We don't WANT to we JUST WANT A HIGH CHAIR.

She's 8 months old for God's sake. She sits up. She wants to EAT BREAKFAST.

This is her seated at STEAK N SHAKE where they did NOT give us crap about a high chair.
And you know by now we've got every waiter and bus boy in the place looking at us, suddenly we're THOSE people.

Our waitress comes over and apologizes and tells us the hostess was just confused but really, the tone was set and the rest of the day pretty much went to hell.

We tried to go to the Dali exhibit at the High Museum of Art but of course it was closed. The Museum that doesn't close was closed.

We went to IKEA and the twins acted like lunatics in the restaurant and basically it was a huge disaster.

But as I reflect on the day and try to pick out a nugget of something positive to take away, I think back on the three old trolls sitting behind us at breakfast who weren't enjoying my four children whatsoever. They were busily recounting all of their medical maladies for all of breakfast (which in my opinion was FAR more offensive than my kids) and relishing one another's suffering.

But what caught my attention was "And you'll be THRILLED to know I FINALLY got my humidifier! I woke up two days ago with a nose bleed, and I HATE to wake up with stuff gushing out of my nose."...

and I hearken back to Keith who reminds us that we are ALL the same on the inside. Universally all humans are made of the same stuff.

And none of us like to wake up with stuff gushing out of our nose.

More Wisdom From Keith

So 2011 isn't starting out all that keen really, thus I thought I'd turn back to Keith for guidance and help as I sort my way through the chaos that is my life.

The day started out simply enough, we were going out to brunch on New Years Day. We were going to one of our favorite local spots where the food is delicious.

It was pouring rain, so I grabbed the boys and the husband snatched the baby carrier and we dashed inside.

"Table for six please and we need a high chair."

Now, that SEEMS simple enough, doesn't it? A VERY simple request. A table to accomodate six humans. Also, you are looking at us with your eyes, so you can see, that indeed we are SIX humans.

The hostess comes to fetch up and says "due to health code rules we can't turn the high chair upside down."

Ummmm, what?

She says it again - and we realize she means to put the car carrier in it (some people do this for some reason). We say "We don't want to do that. We just need a high chair."

The someone else says "You can just slide the car seat in a booth."

Again, WE DON'T WANT to do that. WE WANT A TABLE and WE WANT A HIGH CHAIR.

We get to the table and then she says "We can't put the car seat on top of the high chair" and I SWEAR I nearly exploded.

What I did NOT say was "DID I EVEN ASK YOU TO PUT THE CAR SEAT ON TOP OF THE HIGH CHAIR???"

We just said We don't WANT to we JUST WANT A HIGH CHAIR.

She's 8 months old for God's sake. She sits up. She wants to EAT BREAKFAST.

This is her seated at STEAK N SHAKE where they did NOT give us crap about a high chair.
And you know by now we've got every waiter and bus boy in the place looking at us, suddenly we're THOSE people.

Our waitress comes over and apologizes and tells us the hostess was just confused but really, the tone was set and the rest of the day pretty much went to hell.

We tried to go to the Dali exhibit at the High Museum of Art but of course it was closed. The Museum that doesn't close was closed.

We went to IKEA and the twins acted like lunatics in the restaurant and basically it was a huge disaster.

But as I reflect on the day and try to pick out a nugget of something positive to take away, I think back on the three old trolls sitting behind us at breakfast who weren't enjoying my four children whatsoever. They were busily recounting all of their medical maladies for all of breakfast (which in my opinion was FAR more offensive than my kids) and relishing one another's suffering.

But what caught my attention was "And you'll be THRILLED to know I FINALLY got my humidifier! I woke up two days ago with a nose bleed, and I HATE to wake up with stuff gushing out of my nose."...

and I hearken back to Keith who reminds us that we are ALL the same on the inside. Universally all humans are made of the same stuff.

And none of us like to wake up with stuff gushing out of our nose.

We'll Overwhelm You

I think that if you haven't seen me for a while, you might not realize you don't know me anymore.
After all, you catch glimpses of me via email, on the blog, maybe in SL - and you think I'm still me. If we talk on the phone, I probably sound the same unless you hear me. Really hear me.
I had company this weekend, someone I haven't seen since before I had kids and I was so happy to see her.
But I was a little sorry too - because I think the enormity of the chaos of our world was just overwhelming.
I have a five year old who never stops talking and 4 year old twins who never stop crying about something. There are diapers. There is backtalk. There is discipline. There is yelling, there are more diapers. There are tantrums. There is more discipline. There are kids shows. There are more kids shows. There are more diapers. There are more kids shows. There is noise. There is more noise. And there are more diapers.

What isn't there?

• Casual beers while watching TV.
• Adult television shows of any sort. (except American Idol once a year and even that takes place amongst the chaos and with a lot of rewinding).
• Network TV. The News.
• Quiet.
• Time out doing anything with another adult without three children hanging off of us.
• Time out alone with each other ever for any reason.
• Help with the children that isn't me or the husband. That's right. No help.

This is an alien concept for most people, but we have never had help with our children. We have never lived within 300 miles of family SINCE we've had kids and we've never had sitters (okay we flew my mother in to Tampa twice so we could go see Wicked). If our kids can't go, we don't go. Period.

I think that the chaos that we take for granted is like shock therapy for visitors to our house.

People think I'm still the same Gidge who drinks expensive beers, hangs out at bars and clubs seeing bands and being generally fabulous even if it's in my own mind. And I gotta tell you, as I sit here in my Walmart grandma-lookin shorts and tshirt.

She is dead.

So like I said, you don't know me anymore. I'm sorry I changed. I didn't mean to. It just kind of snuck up one me.

We'll Overwhelm You

I think that if you haven't seen me for a while, you might not realize you don't know me anymore.
After all, you catch glimpses of me via email, on the blog, maybe in SL - and you think I'm still me. If we talk on the phone, I probably sound the same unless you hear me. Really hear me.
I had company this weekend, someone I haven't seen since before I had kids and I was so happy to see her.
But I was a little sorry too - because I think the enormity of the chaos of our world was just overwhelming.
I have a five year old who never stops talking and 4 year old twins who never stop crying about something. There are diapers. There is backtalk. There is discipline. There is yelling, there are more diapers. There are tantrums. There is more discipline. There are kids shows. There are more kids shows. There are more diapers. There are more kids shows. There is noise. There is more noise. And there are more diapers.

What isn't there?

• Casual beers while watching TV.
• Adult television shows of any sort. (except American Idol once a year and even that takes place amongst the chaos and with a lot of rewinding).
• Network TV. The News.
• Quiet.
• Time out doing anything with another adult without three children hanging off of us.
• Time out alone with each other ever for any reason.
• Help with the children that isn't me or the husband. That's right. No help.

This is an alien concept for most people, but we have never had help with our children. We have never lived within 300 miles of family SINCE we've had kids and we've never had sitters (okay we flew my mother in to Tampa twice so we could go see Wicked). If our kids can't go, we don't go. Period.

I think that the chaos that we take for granted is like shock therapy for visitors to our house.

People think I'm still the same Gidge who drinks expensive beers, hangs out at bars and clubs seeing bands and being generally fabulous even if it's in my own mind. And I gotta tell you, as I sit here in my Walmart grandma-lookin shorts and tshirt.

She is dead.

So like I said, you don't know me anymore. I'm sorry I changed. I didn't mean to. It just kind of snuck up one me.