Thursday Was Better

A nap on Wednesday pretty much changed my world, oddly. I woke up three hours later, had lunch of London Broil and truly felt like a different person. Yeah I still had pain and discomfort but really the percocet was keeping it deep enough that I could think and function.



And on Thursday....we got to go home.

Needless to say, there were some short people who were terribly excited to have her at home.
The big boy also was made student of the week the day she came home, and got to bring home the class mascot - so he was pretty much having a banner day all around.

The twins were divided in their opinion regarding the addition of this new human to the clan. While Baby Birdman was dismissive of her, probably jealous.........his brother was a total gigglebox and at one point got the boppy and positioned himself on the sofa - clearly waiting his turn to hold the baby. So of course we obliged.

And I know I was an emo mess and pretty much in full flip out mode recounting Monday-Wednesday of this event. But I did want to share something beautiful from Monday.....the day she was born.

This bloomed on my rose bush. I tried to hold onto the idea of it as a good omen. (I failed). But obviously, I was right.

I survived.

Thursday Was Better

A nap on Wednesday pretty much changed my world, oddly. I woke up three hours later, had lunch of London Broil and truly felt like a different person. Yeah I still had pain and discomfort but really the percocet was keeping it deep enough that I could think and function.



And on Thursday....we got to go home.

Needless to say, there were some short people who were terribly excited to have her at home.
The big boy also was made student of the week the day she came home, and got to bring home the class mascot - so he was pretty much having a banner day all around.

The twins were divided in their opinion regarding the addition of this new human to the clan. While Baby Birdman was dismissive of her, probably jealous.........his brother was a total gigglebox and at one point got the boppy and positioned himself on the sofa - clearly waiting his turn to hold the baby. So of course we obliged.

And I know I was an emo mess and pretty much in full flip out mode recounting Monday-Wednesday of this event. But I did want to share something beautiful from Monday.....the day she was born.

This bloomed on my rose bush. I tried to hold onto the idea of it as a good omen. (I failed). But obviously, I was right.

I survived.

Now We Are Six

I am just able to sit up properly in a chair for an extended period of time. I've had a couple people text me and say they couldn't wait to read me recounting the c-section and delivery.

I suppose it's attention hoaring to even go ahead and do it when there is this huge part of me that would rather put it aside and focus on the end result. It was painful, it was harrowing, it was the nightmare I expected and then some. It was undignified and terrifying and unpleasant on many levels.


But it's also kinda what I do, recounting the things that happen so.......I'm gonna do this in multiple parts. This way you can enjoy my pain and suffering in pieces, just like I did.

Monday morning we drove off to the hospital and I'll admit it. I wasn't joyous. I was some delicate combination of bitter and terrified. I can't tell you the extent to which I was furious at fate for forcing me to have this damned surgery. I totally appreciate that it was a WAY BETTER alternative than one of us ending up dead but still - I wasn't jolly or pleased. I couldn't smile.

I could barely talk or answer their fucking questions. I truthfully wanted to scream YOU MUTHERFUCKERS HAVE ASKED ME THIS BULLSHIT 20 FUCKING TIMES ALREADY YOU KNOW THE ANSWER NOW LETS JUST DO THIS.



But I didn't, I just clenched my teeth and tried to breathe.



We were greeted right before surgery by DOCTOR SHOUTING ANESTHESIOLOGIST. He apparently had to SHOUT HIS GREETINGS AND HIS ASSURANCE THAT ALL WOULD BE WELL.


I informed him that I had been promised Versed after the cord was cut, and he seemed a little taken back by that but said he'd order it up.


I had already told my OB multiple times, the anesthesiologist who did my pre-op and anyone else who would listen that I was about to fucking STROKE OUT over the entire event. I felt I had made it clear that anxiety and stress were not the appropriate terms for my fears over this event.


First off, they walked me into the operating room which looked surreal and like a horror show, and set me on the table for my epidural. It was during this time that DOCTOR SHOUTING ANESTHESIOLOGIST began to torture me with a hot metal wire that he drug up and down my spine. Now it wasn't hot probably, nor metal even. But that is how it felt, he couldn't get it placed and AFTER I GOT DONE SCREAMING SO LOUD MY HUSBAND DOWN THE HALL HEARD ME, he got it right. And then I started sobbing. I couldn't stop.

They kept asking me "What is wrong what is wrong?" and I couldn't even say words. I just cried as they laid me down and started strapping me down into position, shaking my body and attaching this and that, telling me what they were doing and I was still crying. I didn't even care.

My doctor came in and tried to turn the baby one more time,but she was too big to move. Onward to C - Section.

When they hung up the sheet I heard them call my husband in and right about then I had to puke. I could barely speak but the nurse anesthetist heard me and got me a lovely pink pail to puke in. Of course, when you can't control your diaphragm properly you can't actually puke. So there I am, spitting and having these awful retching movements uncontrollably but nothing is coming out. It was about that point that she put a cold cloth on my head and my husband snapped this pic.

I wish that I could've snapped a pic back. The nurse anesthetist was Indian or something - and quite beautiful. It should've been soothing, to look up at such a beautiful face but it wasn't - I could see the concern and worry across her eyes as she watched me losing control of my sanity.

Unknown to me that they were in full swing - that I was cut open and the show had started.....I felt some movement but thought that the nurses were still moving me around- I couldn't see anything beyond the curtain hanging in my face.

My mask started to make me hot, and the nurse was nice and would take it off intermittently.

But then I heard a saw.

Now, you and I both know that I didn't hear a saw. They even told me, it was a suction device. But - it SOUNDED like a saw. And I wasn't aware that I was all flayed open horribly.

Yeah that's really me getting worked on.

I might've calmed down about the saw, which I did rave about for a bit.....I was not convinced something horrible was happening except that next a giant fat man sat on my chest.

Yes that's right. A terrible weight came down on my chest and despite being SHOWN my pulse ox was fine - I couldn't stop my panic. I couldn't breathe. Someone had to be leaning on me. I just knew it. Right behind this fat man sitting on me - came this sensation of fire. Something was burning.

And I had to go.

That's right. I started telling them I was done, I had to go. I HAD TO GO NOW. And yeah, I was exactly that crazy. I vaguely remember saying "I can't do this I have to go I have to GO I have TO GO NOW" and hearing them calling for the Versed and my husband talking to the nurse anesthetist about that me being so scared - and asking if it was anxiety and verifying that I wasn't really feeling anything.

I could hear the baby screaming in the background - but it barely registered honestly. She was really loud, I heard them talking about her being big - VERY big. But it was just background noise as the crazy was gripping me hard.

What I can remember at this point is that he was telling me to close my eyes, which was pissing me off as I wasn't going to close my eyes when I WAS GOING TO LEAVE and also telling me that he was going to go (he had to pick our other kids up). It was getting on my nerves so I TOLD HIM TO JUST LEAVE THEN. But he was still there - and the baby was crying.......I remember that. My doctor started telling me jokes. Which was pissing me off.

I just remember this overwhelming feeling of panic, and fear as they were lowering my head and a comment made about "putting me back together."

And then I woke up in recovery.

Now We Are Six

I am just able to sit up properly in a chair for an extended period of time. I've had a couple people text me and say they couldn't wait to read me recounting the c-section and delivery.

I suppose it's attention hoaring to even go ahead and do it when there is this huge part of me that would rather put it aside and focus on the end result. It was painful, it was harrowing, it was the nightmare I expected and then some. It was undignified and terrifying and unpleasant on many levels.


But it's also kinda what I do, recounting the things that happen so.......I'm gonna do this in multiple parts. This way you can enjoy my pain and suffering in pieces, just like I did.

Monday morning we drove off to the hospital and I'll admit it. I wasn't joyous. I was some delicate combination of bitter and terrified. I can't tell you the extent to which I was furious at fate for forcing me to have this damned surgery. I totally appreciate that it was a WAY BETTER alternative than one of us ending up dead but still - I wasn't jolly or pleased. I couldn't smile.

I could barely talk or answer their fucking questions. I truthfully wanted to scream YOU MUTHERFUCKERS HAVE ASKED ME THIS BULLSHIT 20 FUCKING TIMES ALREADY YOU KNOW THE ANSWER NOW LETS JUST DO THIS.



But I didn't, I just clenched my teeth and tried to breathe.



We were greeted right before surgery by DOCTOR SHOUTING ANESTHESIOLOGIST. He apparently had to SHOUT HIS GREETINGS AND HIS ASSURANCE THAT ALL WOULD BE WELL.


I informed him that I had been promised Versed after the cord was cut, and he seemed a little taken back by that but said he'd order it up.


I had already told my OB multiple times, the anesthesiologist who did my pre-op and anyone else who would listen that I was about to fucking STROKE OUT over the entire event. I felt I had made it clear that anxiety and stress were not the appropriate terms for my fears over this event.


First off, they walked me into the operating room which looked surreal and like a horror show, and set me on the table for my epidural. It was during this time that DOCTOR SHOUTING ANESTHESIOLOGIST began to torture me with a hot metal wire that he drug up and down my spine. Now it wasn't hot probably, nor metal even. But that is how it felt, he couldn't get it placed and AFTER I GOT DONE SCREAMING SO LOUD MY HUSBAND DOWN THE HALL HEARD ME, he got it right. And then I started sobbing. I couldn't stop.

They kept asking me "What is wrong what is wrong?" and I couldn't even say words. I just cried as they laid me down and started strapping me down into position, shaking my body and attaching this and that, telling me what they were doing and I was still crying. I didn't even care.

My doctor came in and tried to turn the baby one more time,but she was too big to move. Onward to C - Section.

When they hung up the sheet I heard them call my husband in and right about then I had to puke. I could barely speak but the nurse anesthetist heard me and got me a lovely pink pail to puke in. Of course, when you can't control your diaphragm properly you can't actually puke. So there I am, spitting and having these awful retching movements uncontrollably but nothing is coming out. It was about that point that she put a cold cloth on my head and my husband snapped this pic.

I wish that I could've snapped a pic back. The nurse anesthetist was Indian or something - and quite beautiful. It should've been soothing, to look up at such a beautiful face but it wasn't - I could see the concern and worry across her eyes as she watched me losing control of my sanity.

Unknown to me that they were in full swing - that I was cut open and the show had started.....I felt some movement but thought that the nurses were still moving me around- I couldn't see anything beyond the curtain hanging in my face.

My mask started to make me hot, and the nurse was nice and would take it off intermittently.

But then I heard a saw.

Now, you and I both know that I didn't hear a saw. They even told me, it was a suction device. But - it SOUNDED like a saw. And I wasn't aware that I was all flayed open horribly.

Yeah that's really me getting worked on.

I might've calmed down about the saw, which I did rave about for a bit.....I was not convinced something horrible was happening except that next a giant fat man sat on my chest.

Yes that's right. A terrible weight came down on my chest and despite being SHOWN my pulse ox was fine - I couldn't stop my panic. I couldn't breathe. Someone had to be leaning on me. I just knew it. Right behind this fat man sitting on me - came this sensation of fire. Something was burning.

And I had to go.

That's right. I started telling them I was done, I had to go. I HAD TO GO NOW. And yeah, I was exactly that crazy. I vaguely remember saying "I can't do this I have to go I have to GO I have TO GO NOW" and hearing them calling for the Versed and my husband talking to the nurse anesthetist about that me being so scared - and asking if it was anxiety and verifying that I wasn't really feeling anything.

I could hear the baby screaming in the background - but it barely registered honestly. She was really loud, I heard them talking about her being big - VERY big. But it was just background noise as the crazy was gripping me hard.

What I can remember at this point is that he was telling me to close my eyes, which was pissing me off as I wasn't going to close my eyes when I WAS GOING TO LEAVE and also telling me that he was going to go (he had to pick our other kids up). It was getting on my nerves so I TOLD HIM TO JUST LEAVE THEN. But he was still there - and the baby was crying.......I remember that. My doctor started telling me jokes. Which was pissing me off.

I just remember this overwhelming feeling of panic, and fear as they were lowering my head and a comment made about "putting me back together."

And then I woke up in recovery.

I Was Wrong, It SHOULD Be AVERSION

Ok so I don't want to rave on like a lunatic about being pregnant because really, even I'm getting bored with it. But truthfully, now that I've tried the VERSION process, I'm filing it under ACK.

Mine didn't work.

That's the less dramatic version of the story.

The dramatic version would be that I truly believe I could've birthed her on the spot with less agony than what I went through as he tried to shove my giant baby into a position she had no interest in going to. I'm not sure that it's natural for a human to put their hands that deeply into your abdomen and have them not come up bloody.

I was as quiet as I could be though, during the process, because my #1 thought was that if he knew how badly this optional procedure was hurting me, he'd STOP. And the last thing I wanted him to do was stop.

But it didn't matter, and when it was all over I had the shakes from the terbutaline (sp?) they'd given me to relax my uterus and hopefully prevent the onset of labor. They brought me a zombie turkey sandwich (ask Homer Simpson if you don't get the reference) and some apple juice which I slugged down at about 1 I'm guessing. We'd arrived at 8:30.

Today I'm miserable. My entire stomach hurts like it was in a fight. And it lost. Which is hard to believe given it's SIZE.

So now the plan is, c section April 20. When I get there, after my spinal, he will try to turn her again. Apparently he can shove a lot harder when I can't feel the pain. Or if I go into labor, and they do a spinal, and the stars are aligned just right - again - he'll try to turn her. But she's a pretty big girl and only getting bigger. So we'll hope for the best but not hold our breath.

He's promising me I can have Versed as soon as the cord is cut, and right now, that's about all I'm looking forward to.

I Was Wrong, It SHOULD Be AVERSION

Ok so I don't want to rave on like a lunatic about being pregnant because really, even I'm getting bored with it. But truthfully, now that I've tried the VERSION process, I'm filing it under ACK.

Mine didn't work.

That's the less dramatic version of the story.

The dramatic version would be that I truly believe I could've birthed her on the spot with less agony than what I went through as he tried to shove my giant baby into a position she had no interest in going to. I'm not sure that it's natural for a human to put their hands that deeply into your abdomen and have them not come up bloody.

I was as quiet as I could be though, during the process, because my #1 thought was that if he knew how badly this optional procedure was hurting me, he'd STOP. And the last thing I wanted him to do was stop.

But it didn't matter, and when it was all over I had the shakes from the terbutaline (sp?) they'd given me to relax my uterus and hopefully prevent the onset of labor. They brought me a zombie turkey sandwich (ask Homer Simpson if you don't get the reference) and some apple juice which I slugged down at about 1 I'm guessing. We'd arrived at 8:30.

Today I'm miserable. My entire stomach hurts like it was in a fight. And it lost. Which is hard to believe given it's SIZE.

So now the plan is, c section April 20. When I get there, after my spinal, he will try to turn her again. Apparently he can shove a lot harder when I can't feel the pain. Or if I go into labor, and they do a spinal, and the stars are aligned just right - again - he'll try to turn her. But she's a pretty big girl and only getting bigger. So we'll hope for the best but not hold our breath.

He's promising me I can have Versed as soon as the cord is cut, and right now, that's about all I'm looking forward to.

The Hospital is Losing It's Mystery To Me

Mid-day yesterday I was feeling rather bad. I was hot and flushed and just........NOT GOOD, I'm sure that's the medical term. I went to the bathroom and to my horror there was blood on the toilet paper. Kind of quite a lot, in my estimation.
So I quickly put myself together, alerted my asst mgr that I was gonna call the OB but I was definitely LEAVING and went into my office.
I talked to the nurse and told her no,I wasn't contracting but I was bleeding and she said she'd get with him and call me right back.
AS SOON AS I HUNG UP I STARTED CONTRACTING.

What sort of annoying crap is that? Shortly she called me back and told me to lie down at home for the rest of the day and call if I started cramping or if I bled more-at which point I said "Funneh you mention that......I've started having contractions."

And it was off to the hospital!

While I was there the bleeding stopped and was determined to be of indeterminate origin. NOTHING wrong with the placenta, might've been the "bloody show" however my cervix has made ZERO progress so that's a "MAYBE" at best. Usually you get a small amount of dilation and effacing with bloody show - that's how it gets released. So......they dunno why I had bleeding. But everything is ok.

They loaded me up with fluids and the contractions slacked away to such an extent that I actually sort of forgot about them, enjoying Law and Order like I was. I had just started into an episode of BONES when they came in to check the monitor's placement and then came back and interrupted AGAIN to tell me my contractions had stopped and they were calling the doc.

Of course they came in and talked BOTH TIMES that I needed to HEAR what was going on. All I know if that there was a Chinese girl found dead and she had no bones. NUTTY!

It was a matter of minutes before they came in to tell me I could go home, the show was stopped for today.

We're still on for THURSDAY for the Version to turn her.

WISH US LUCK!

The Hospital is Losing It's Mystery To Me

Mid-day yesterday I was feeling rather bad. I was hot and flushed and just........NOT GOOD, I'm sure that's the medical term. I went to the bathroom and to my horror there was blood on the toilet paper. Kind of quite a lot, in my estimation.
So I quickly put myself together, alerted my asst mgr that I was gonna call the OB but I was definitely LEAVING and went into my office.
I talked to the nurse and told her no,I wasn't contracting but I was bleeding and she said she'd get with him and call me right back.
AS SOON AS I HUNG UP I STARTED CONTRACTING.

What sort of annoying crap is that? Shortly she called me back and told me to lie down at home for the rest of the day and call if I started cramping or if I bled more-at which point I said "Funneh you mention that......I've started having contractions."

And it was off to the hospital!

While I was there the bleeding stopped and was determined to be of indeterminate origin. NOTHING wrong with the placenta, might've been the "bloody show" however my cervix has made ZERO progress so that's a "MAYBE" at best. Usually you get a small amount of dilation and effacing with bloody show - that's how it gets released. So......they dunno why I had bleeding. But everything is ok.

They loaded me up with fluids and the contractions slacked away to such an extent that I actually sort of forgot about them, enjoying Law and Order like I was. I had just started into an episode of BONES when they came in to check the monitor's placement and then came back and interrupted AGAIN to tell me my contractions had stopped and they were calling the doc.

Of course they came in and talked BOTH TIMES that I needed to HEAR what was going on. All I know if that there was a Chinese girl found dead and she had no bones. NUTTY!

It was a matter of minutes before they came in to tell me I could go home, the show was stopped for today.

We're still on for THURSDAY for the Version to turn her.

WISH US LUCK!

It's a Version Not Aversion

I had the first of my twice weekly OB appts this week and had the big sit down with my doc about the BABY SITUATION.

She's breech. And seems to have no interest in turning herself about. She's been in this same position now for weeks in fact, with her head resting comfortably against my placenta and floating just as high as she possibly can.

It's fairly uncomfortable.

So we talked about what to do about little missy and his options were to schedule a VERSION or schedule a c-section. I said HEY let's do that Version thing!

What, you might ask, is a version?

No that is NOT me.

But basically they hook you up to some sort of meds that relax all your muscles so that "hopefully" your uterus doesn't contract and then using his hands on the outside, the doctor gives the baby a bunch of shoves around until she's head down. IF it works.

My OB says that he has about an 80% success rate getting that baby turned. The problem is that this procedure can induce labor. It can cause other complications that lead to you staying in the hospital to deliver OR you have to have an emergency c-section.

So his advice was to come packed and ready to stay. Just in case.

I also told him that the idea of a c-section is giving me the screaming mimis and he was glad I told him. He apparently had a patient have a freak out last week - and she hadn't shared with him that her deep motivation for NOT wanting the C was FEAR. I told him OH HELL I'm totally fear driven. I let him know I'll be the hysterical person on the other side of the sheet. So he's going to give me something to mellow me out a bit,and then once the cord is cut it's off to la-la land I go.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.

Seriously, he told me that it takes about five minutes to get the baby out, and 45-60 to "put me back together". OMG. Part of me DIED hearing those words. DEAR GOD.

So wish us luck. On Thursday April 1 at 8:30 AM we might have a baby, or we might just have a baby that is turned the right way finally. One more bounce on Mr Toads Wild Ride.

It's a Version Not Aversion

I had the first of my twice weekly OB appts this week and had the big sit down with my doc about the BABY SITUATION.

She's breech. And seems to have no interest in turning herself about. She's been in this same position now for weeks in fact, with her head resting comfortably against my placenta and floating just as high as she possibly can.

It's fairly uncomfortable.

So we talked about what to do about little missy and his options were to schedule a VERSION or schedule a c-section. I said HEY let's do that Version thing!

What, you might ask, is a version?

No that is NOT me.

But basically they hook you up to some sort of meds that relax all your muscles so that "hopefully" your uterus doesn't contract and then using his hands on the outside, the doctor gives the baby a bunch of shoves around until she's head down. IF it works.

My OB says that he has about an 80% success rate getting that baby turned. The problem is that this procedure can induce labor. It can cause other complications that lead to you staying in the hospital to deliver OR you have to have an emergency c-section.

So his advice was to come packed and ready to stay. Just in case.

I also told him that the idea of a c-section is giving me the screaming mimis and he was glad I told him. He apparently had a patient have a freak out last week - and she hadn't shared with him that her deep motivation for NOT wanting the C was FEAR. I told him OH HELL I'm totally fear driven. I let him know I'll be the hysterical person on the other side of the sheet. So he's going to give me something to mellow me out a bit,and then once the cord is cut it's off to la-la land I go.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.

Seriously, he told me that it takes about five minutes to get the baby out, and 45-60 to "put me back together". OMG. Part of me DIED hearing those words. DEAR GOD.

So wish us luck. On Thursday April 1 at 8:30 AM we might have a baby, or we might just have a baby that is turned the right way finally. One more bounce on Mr Toads Wild Ride.

Hospital Practice Run

So I'm at that joyous part of this high risk pregnancy where I have to go to the OB twice a week. Yesterday it was for a nonstress test, where they put a belt on your tummy and measure if you are having contractions and the baby's heartbeat. Which was all dandy except, they couldn't get her heartbeat.
Before you panic, it's not that they couldn't get it - it's that she wouldn't stay still and they couldn't KEEP it going. They have to get X amount of time of continuous heartbeat for it to be all good. And their machine couldn't make it happen. So since my OB was in the middle of 4 patients in labor and they were short a sonographer to do an ultrasound - they said "hey we're gonna have you go over to the labor and delivery unit for this test, we just can't do it here."

I went over to the labor and delivery unit, expecting to be taken into some place to do the testing and sent on my way.
They walked me into labor and delivery, checked me IN and hooked me up to every machine EXCEPT IV.
So, I still thought I'd be going home soon - except - I started having contractions. I was thinking "Man, that kind of hurts, I wonder if that is a contraction?" and looked over at the contraction meter and saw it climbing over 50 - where before it had been around 9. I'm thinking Hmmm that sucks when my NURSE comes through the door and say "Ok so you're having some contractions how are you doing?"........and she brings a questionaire about pain management in with her.
I was getting worried.
You also know that something is "off" when they keep coming in to move you around. They don't like something on the monitors - and they come shove pillows under you to adjust your heart and the baby etc.....
I went to ultrasound twice, once they weren't ready and I went BACK to my room and got all hooked up to monitors, watched two episodes of Law and Order.......and then went BACK where I learned that despite my OBs prediction of an average sized baby she is now measureing "bigger than she is" as the ultrasound lady put it.
We're 35 weeks today - and yesterday she was measuring at 37. Not my tummy measurement - HER measurements. So she's gonna be big.
Oh, and joy of joys - she's still breech.
So after snacking on ice chips for hours and seeing tons of Law and Order plus two episodes of BONES my doctor came back to the hospital about 8pm to deliver MORE babies and they released me.
Now I know the drill at this place, plus, I learned that the hospital where I'm going to deliver is fancy shmancy. I couldn't get over it.
I mean MAN is it nice.
So........back to work and life. No baby yesterday or likely today THANK GOD.

But, I admit, I was a little worried.

Hospital Practice Run

So I'm at that joyous part of this high risk pregnancy where I have to go to the OB twice a week. Yesterday it was for a nonstress test, where they put a belt on your tummy and measure if you are having contractions and the baby's heartbeat. Which was all dandy except, they couldn't get her heartbeat.
Before you panic, it's not that they couldn't get it - it's that she wouldn't stay still and they couldn't KEEP it going. They have to get X amount of time of continuous heartbeat for it to be all good. And their machine couldn't make it happen. So since my OB was in the middle of 4 patients in labor and they were short a sonographer to do an ultrasound - they said "hey we're gonna have you go over to the labor and delivery unit for this test, we just can't do it here."

I went over to the labor and delivery unit, expecting to be taken into some place to do the testing and sent on my way.
They walked me into labor and delivery, checked me IN and hooked me up to every machine EXCEPT IV.
So, I still thought I'd be going home soon - except - I started having contractions. I was thinking "Man, that kind of hurts, I wonder if that is a contraction?" and looked over at the contraction meter and saw it climbing over 50 - where before it had been around 9. I'm thinking Hmmm that sucks when my NURSE comes through the door and say "Ok so you're having some contractions how are you doing?"........and she brings a questionaire about pain management in with her.
I was getting worried.
You also know that something is "off" when they keep coming in to move you around. They don't like something on the monitors - and they come shove pillows under you to adjust your heart and the baby etc.....
I went to ultrasound twice, once they weren't ready and I went BACK to my room and got all hooked up to monitors, watched two episodes of Law and Order.......and then went BACK where I learned that despite my OBs prediction of an average sized baby she is now measureing "bigger than she is" as the ultrasound lady put it.
We're 35 weeks today - and yesterday she was measuring at 37. Not my tummy measurement - HER measurements. So she's gonna be big.
Oh, and joy of joys - she's still breech.
So after snacking on ice chips for hours and seeing tons of Law and Order plus two episodes of BONES my doctor came back to the hospital about 8pm to deliver MORE babies and they released me.
Now I know the drill at this place, plus, I learned that the hospital where I'm going to deliver is fancy shmancy. I couldn't get over it.
I mean MAN is it nice.
So........back to work and life. No baby yesterday or likely today THANK GOD.

But, I admit, I was a little worried.

Yes Virginia, There is A Santa Claus

I got our amnio results early this morning and if you have somehow NOT heard.......

the baby is fine.

And she is indeed Julia and not Hambone - which is what the husband decided we would name a boy. (Dear Lord).

I don't really know what to say. The relief is so complete, so overwhelming.

I called my OB and asked if there is even any reason for me to RETURN to the perinatologist. Apparently no one ever asked that before, because the nurse didn't know what to say and they are going to call me to tomorrow to let me know what HE says.

Life is good. It really really is.

Yes Virginia, There is A Santa Claus

I got our amnio results early this morning and if you have somehow NOT heard.......

the baby is fine.

And she is indeed Julia and not Hambone - which is what the husband decided we would name a boy. (Dear Lord).

I don't really know what to say. The relief is so complete, so overwhelming.

I called my OB and asked if there is even any reason for me to RETURN to the perinatologist. Apparently no one ever asked that before, because the nurse didn't know what to say and they are going to call me to tomorrow to let me know what HE says.

Life is good. It really really is.

I Don't Want A Lot For Christmas

There is just one thing I need


I don't care about the presents


Underneath the Christmas tree.


I just want you for my own


More than you could even know

Make my wish come true......

All I want for Chrismas........

Is You.




Amnio Results tomorrow. We'll let you know.

I Don't Want A Lot For Christmas

There is just one thing I need


I don't care about the presents


Underneath the Christmas tree.


I just want you for my own


More than you could even know

Make my wish come true......

All I want for Chrismas........

Is You.




Amnio Results tomorrow. We'll let you know.

Everyone Who Told Me Amnio Didn't Hurt - FIRST AGAINST THE WALL!

Well we spent the better part of our day at the high risk OB enjoying all the lovely things they offer.
Like...GENETIC COUNSELING!
And BLOOD DRAWS WITH LOTS AND LOTS OF VIALS!
AND AMNIOCENTESIS! Can I get a WOOT WOOT?

Ok ok ok. lots of people want to know what all went on and what all happened so lemme recap.

First we met with the genetic counselor, who was actually quite nice and very not-scary and she took our family histories for bad DNA, explained the amnio again and then offered us the opportunity to participate in two different studies. One will use our chromosomes to help determine if they can link specific chromosome abnormality to diseases (outside of the big ones they already know about). They're talking about super super small defects or irregularities that have to be seen with the microscope. Of course, I'd be a dick if I said NO to that - it could provide SERIOUS help to people in the future.
The second study is one where they are trying to be able to detect Down's Syndrome via blood draw AS ACCURATELY as they do with amnio. I had to donate extra blood and extra fluid to BOTH of these studies. But again....especially after HAVING the amnio - I'd do anything to help someone NOT have to go through that.

The blood draws sucked as blood draws do. I'm no hero. I'm not tough. People will say "But you've had three kids!" and I'll respond that YEAH, and I'm a total fucking whiny baby throughout the entire childbirth process too. You don't want any part of me during labor until I'm properly drugged up because I am NOT a trooper. WHY? Because there are no REWARDS for being a trooper. So I'm going to be exactly as big of a baby as I feel like being.

But the amnio-ack. Ok I admit I went in terrified and then they TOOK so FUCKING LONG to get to it (we were there like 4 hours) that my husband had to LEAVE because our kids would be getting off the bus. So then I'm on my own. The doctor that we don't like much (not the one from the phone call) was actually really sweet and realized I was scared and did her best to be super kind and supportive.

Here is what it is like. When the needle goes into your skin, it's like a blood draw, kind of like damn that sucks. When the needle goes into your uterus.....it feels like a hot metal rod. I can't explain it any other way. It feels huge. It's not a damn pinch like they said. It's unimaginable and it feels exactly like what it is. A piece of metal inside you.

I might have done better, and be less whiny but the baby kept moving, stretching up into the empty pocket where the needle was.

And she kept having to withdraw "slightly". Just enough to repeat the most painful part of the procedure over and over and over.

But suddenly I felt a much sharper and WORSE version of the same pain and then she says "OK we're done."

I had been gripped the sides of the table so hard, and clenching so hard, I could barely stand up. They tell me THEN that I can't go to work tomorrow (WTF?) and that I'm supposed to take it easy and lay around like a slug for 24 hours.

I came home and had peanut butter, cheese, crackers, chocolate covered cherry and a glass of wine and slept. I am not sure if I am physically hurt or just emotionally scarred.

I could have results as early as tomorrow for the "fast screen" or it could be Monday due to the holiday.

So there you go. You are all caught up.

Everyone Who Told Me Amnio Didn't Hurt - FIRST AGAINST THE WALL!

Well we spent the better part of our day at the high risk OB enjoying all the lovely things they offer.
Like...GENETIC COUNSELING!
And BLOOD DRAWS WITH LOTS AND LOTS OF VIALS!
AND AMNIOCENTESIS! Can I get a WOOT WOOT?

Ok ok ok. lots of people want to know what all went on and what all happened so lemme recap.

First we met with the genetic counselor, who was actually quite nice and very not-scary and she took our family histories for bad DNA, explained the amnio again and then offered us the opportunity to participate in two different studies. One will use our chromosomes to help determine if they can link specific chromosome abnormality to diseases (outside of the big ones they already know about). They're talking about super super small defects or irregularities that have to be seen with the microscope. Of course, I'd be a dick if I said NO to that - it could provide SERIOUS help to people in the future.
The second study is one where they are trying to be able to detect Down's Syndrome via blood draw AS ACCURATELY as they do with amnio. I had to donate extra blood and extra fluid to BOTH of these studies. But again....especially after HAVING the amnio - I'd do anything to help someone NOT have to go through that.

The blood draws sucked as blood draws do. I'm no hero. I'm not tough. People will say "But you've had three kids!" and I'll respond that YEAH, and I'm a total fucking whiny baby throughout the entire childbirth process too. You don't want any part of me during labor until I'm properly drugged up because I am NOT a trooper. WHY? Because there are no REWARDS for being a trooper. So I'm going to be exactly as big of a baby as I feel like being.

But the amnio-ack. Ok I admit I went in terrified and then they TOOK so FUCKING LONG to get to it (we were there like 4 hours) that my husband had to LEAVE because our kids would be getting off the bus. So then I'm on my own. The doctor that we don't like much (not the one from the phone call) was actually really sweet and realized I was scared and did her best to be super kind and supportive.

Here is what it is like. When the needle goes into your skin, it's like a blood draw, kind of like damn that sucks. When the needle goes into your uterus.....it feels like a hot metal rod. I can't explain it any other way. It feels huge. It's not a damn pinch like they said. It's unimaginable and it feels exactly like what it is. A piece of metal inside you.

I might have done better, and be less whiny but the baby kept moving, stretching up into the empty pocket where the needle was.

And she kept having to withdraw "slightly". Just enough to repeat the most painful part of the procedure over and over and over.

But suddenly I felt a much sharper and WORSE version of the same pain and then she says "OK we're done."

I had been gripped the sides of the table so hard, and clenching so hard, I could barely stand up. They tell me THEN that I can't go to work tomorrow (WTF?) and that I'm supposed to take it easy and lay around like a slug for 24 hours.

I came home and had peanut butter, cheese, crackers, chocolate covered cherry and a glass of wine and slept. I am not sure if I am physically hurt or just emotionally scarred.

I could have results as early as tomorrow for the "fast screen" or it could be Monday due to the holiday.

So there you go. You are all caught up.

Hi This is Dr Jones, I've Got Some Really Bad News

This, in my opinion is not the way to start any conversation with a pregnant woman that doesn't end with "And your baby is dead."


I went last Friday for my next round of sequential screening - and they RAVED about the baby on ultrasound. She looks great, everything looks great, and I quote "WE HAVE NO CONCERNS".


Then I get the call from Mr. Bedside Manner. Oh excuse me, DOCTOR Bedside Manner.


I hold my breathe while he talks. "Well all of your risk factors have shot way up, we're especially concerned about your trisomy 18 risk factor which has shot to 1:85. We are going to need you to come in next week for more ultrasound and additional screening tests."


And I sob.


Trisomy 18, if you don't want to click on the link, means death for your baby. It's an extra chromosome on pair #18 and it includes horrendous birth defects and odds so bad - I'm amazed everyone doesn't terminate on the spot. It is a cruelty that I didn't even know existed and now they're telling me Julia could have it.


Oh and don't forget DOWNS. Like, Downs figures aren't as good as they were either - but hell, I'm barely even PHASED by that in the face of the other.




So I got off the phone and I sobbed and sobbed and I called my husband hysterical and I sobbed some more and I just sat there.....I felt adrift. Like I'd been cast out of the lifeboat and no one else was in sight.




And then I got mad.




If this was so fucking dangerous WHY didn't Dr Bedside Manner suggest amniocentesis immediately? I called their office back, still hysterical, and DEMANDED an amnio. I wanted it YESTERDAY. They put me through to a genetic counselor who I was probably not that nice to but I was fairly busy sobbing and screeching and telling her I HAVE TO KNOW I WANT AN AMNIO RIGHT NOW.




So they made it happen, for Monday.




And I was still hysterical. I couldn't think all day yesterday, I was in a blind panic and felt like everything was just over. Done. I didn't sleep right, I had nightmares all night and I frankly faced today fairly numbly.




So today I called my regular OB and told them I was cancelling my appt for next week, and that I'd reschedule after I got the results of my amnio. I just couldn't take going to that office, seeing all those big bellies and smiling faces........and knowing that my baby might never breathe. Of course, in the course of that conversation I again began sobbing and hitching in what I can best describe as an undignified pregnant woman with raging hormones trying to sound rational and in control.




It SO did not work. They immediately put me through to my nurse, who told me my OB was in surgery but he'll call me tomorrow. And to calm down. Duh.




So then, I called my high risk OB (yeah I have TWO, don't be jealous.). I explained that I wanted answers, I wanted to understand my scores and if they were integrated scores or individual scores and also - I wanted to know WHY they changed so much.




Dr. Supersweet and Understanding called me back.




The firs thing he said was, "You do realize that your odds, despite having worsened, are still better than double those for your age group?" Which - I swear to you the other doctor told me the OPPOSITE. I began to calm down. Then he walked me through why he's not immediately concerned about Trisomy 18.......he said it's fairly pronounced, and while he can't PROMISE, he sees nothing on ANY of my ultrasounds that indicates she has any of those birth defects - which are physical and just tragic. He said, reiterating what I have already heard, that on ultrasound, she's looking very good.





He also said that he understood that I wanted an amnio, that not knowing is very taxing and hard when you have all these hormones raging - and an amnio can provide reassurance that nothing is wrong or define what IS wrong, if something is.





I got off the phone feeling better.....able to breathe. I made an appointment with a genetic counselor because he asked me to and said he felt it was important so FINE. Then after that we'll do amnio and results will come back within 2 weeks, I guess depends on how long it takes them to match up and count chromosomes. If I remember properly from high school it takes a while to figure out which are exact matches. :)





Yesterday, I thought the world had ended for Julia and that I was going to have to decide to carry her to term just to watch her die, or make the ultimate decision and grieve sooner rather than later.



Today I feel better. I'm still fairly emotionally raw. But I'm better. And my husband made me laugh hysterically several times this evening.....so I think that is a good sign.


I leave you with, something to make you smile.

Hi This is Dr Jones, I've Got Some Really Bad News

This, in my opinion is not the way to start any conversation with a pregnant woman that doesn't end with "And your baby is dead."


I went last Friday for my next round of sequential screening - and they RAVED about the baby on ultrasound. She looks great, everything looks great, and I quote "WE HAVE NO CONCERNS".


Then I get the call from Mr. Bedside Manner. Oh excuse me, DOCTOR Bedside Manner.


I hold my breathe while he talks. "Well all of your risk factors have shot way up, we're especially concerned about your trisomy 18 risk factor which has shot to 1:85. We are going to need you to come in next week for more ultrasound and additional screening tests."


And I sob.


Trisomy 18, if you don't want to click on the link, means death for your baby. It's an extra chromosome on pair #18 and it includes horrendous birth defects and odds so bad - I'm amazed everyone doesn't terminate on the spot. It is a cruelty that I didn't even know existed and now they're telling me Julia could have it.


Oh and don't forget DOWNS. Like, Downs figures aren't as good as they were either - but hell, I'm barely even PHASED by that in the face of the other.




So I got off the phone and I sobbed and sobbed and I called my husband hysterical and I sobbed some more and I just sat there.....I felt adrift. Like I'd been cast out of the lifeboat and no one else was in sight.




And then I got mad.




If this was so fucking dangerous WHY didn't Dr Bedside Manner suggest amniocentesis immediately? I called their office back, still hysterical, and DEMANDED an amnio. I wanted it YESTERDAY. They put me through to a genetic counselor who I was probably not that nice to but I was fairly busy sobbing and screeching and telling her I HAVE TO KNOW I WANT AN AMNIO RIGHT NOW.




So they made it happen, for Monday.




And I was still hysterical. I couldn't think all day yesterday, I was in a blind panic and felt like everything was just over. Done. I didn't sleep right, I had nightmares all night and I frankly faced today fairly numbly.




So today I called my regular OB and told them I was cancelling my appt for next week, and that I'd reschedule after I got the results of my amnio. I just couldn't take going to that office, seeing all those big bellies and smiling faces........and knowing that my baby might never breathe. Of course, in the course of that conversation I again began sobbing and hitching in what I can best describe as an undignified pregnant woman with raging hormones trying to sound rational and in control.




It SO did not work. They immediately put me through to my nurse, who told me my OB was in surgery but he'll call me tomorrow. And to calm down. Duh.




So then, I called my high risk OB (yeah I have TWO, don't be jealous.). I explained that I wanted answers, I wanted to understand my scores and if they were integrated scores or individual scores and also - I wanted to know WHY they changed so much.




Dr. Supersweet and Understanding called me back.




The firs thing he said was, "You do realize that your odds, despite having worsened, are still better than double those for your age group?" Which - I swear to you the other doctor told me the OPPOSITE. I began to calm down. Then he walked me through why he's not immediately concerned about Trisomy 18.......he said it's fairly pronounced, and while he can't PROMISE, he sees nothing on ANY of my ultrasounds that indicates she has any of those birth defects - which are physical and just tragic. He said, reiterating what I have already heard, that on ultrasound, she's looking very good.





He also said that he understood that I wanted an amnio, that not knowing is very taxing and hard when you have all these hormones raging - and an amnio can provide reassurance that nothing is wrong or define what IS wrong, if something is.





I got off the phone feeling better.....able to breathe. I made an appointment with a genetic counselor because he asked me to and said he felt it was important so FINE. Then after that we'll do amnio and results will come back within 2 weeks, I guess depends on how long it takes them to match up and count chromosomes. If I remember properly from high school it takes a while to figure out which are exact matches. :)





Yesterday, I thought the world had ended for Julia and that I was going to have to decide to carry her to term just to watch her die, or make the ultimate decision and grieve sooner rather than later.



Today I feel better. I'm still fairly emotionally raw. But I'm better. And my husband made me laugh hysterically several times this evening.....so I think that is a good sign.


I leave you with, something to make you smile.