A BS Way to Start The Day

There are a lot of really crappy ways to start the day, but I feel like outside of death & dismemberment sort of events, having a massive leg cramp AS your alarm goes up is top of my list.

I set the alarm early for a couple of reasons, yesterday was a family time festival and I love them BUT I NEED SOME TIME BY MYSELF, and I wanted a nice long slow shower that I wasn't busting a move to get ready. I'm going in late to work because Charlie has a dentist appt so this entire scenario was set up as a perfect Mom morning.

You already see the flaw in my plan don't you?

BEEP BEEP BEEP and as I reach across the four year old who got into my bed because she was scared from the Monster Mansion I apparently extended my leg in some magical fashion to cause me to cry out "OH FUCK".

This wakes no one in my house. Not the husband beside me, not the four year old on the other side of me. Not the three boys asleep in the next room. NO ONE STIRS when Mom yells an expletive at 630 am. This is probably more of a statement about me than them, isn't it?

I get up and hobble to the bathroom, because having had four kids plus one massive charlie horse in your leg is a recipe for wetting your pants if you aren't swift, and I make it so crisis averted there. The cramp is moving around to the front of my leg to add a shin splint sort of effect which I don't quite appreciate, honestly I'd rather it didn't bother.

I slather on some icy hot generic product and as I sit here now, the fire of 1000 suns is ordering my muscles to relax and CHILL OUT FOOL. I can now flex my foot and stretch my leg without screaming for mercy. I still need that shower so apparently can look forward to a steamy Mentholatum scented event which should be lovely, right?

 I had to take this picture because, Foghorn Leghorn. Seriously. Now if only my kid had not MOVED while shooting. Little nerd. Lol.
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A BS Way to Start The Day

There are a lot of really crappy ways to start the day, but I feel like outside of death & dismemberment sort of events, having a massive leg cramp AS your alarm goes up is top of my list.

I set the alarm early for a couple of reasons, yesterday was a family time festival and I love them BUT I NEED SOME TIME BY MYSELF, and I wanted a nice long slow shower that I wasn't busting a move to get ready. I'm going in late to work because Charlie has a dentist appt so this entire scenario was set up as a perfect Mom morning.

You already see the flaw in my plan don't you?

BEEP BEEP BEEP and as I reach across the four year old who got into my bed because she was scared from the Monster Mansion I apparently extended my leg in some magical fashion to cause me to cry out "OH FUCK".

This wakes no one in my house. Not the husband beside me, not the four year old on the other side of me. Not the three boys asleep in the next room. NO ONE STIRS when Mom yells an expletive at 630 am. This is probably more of a statement about me than them, isn't it?

I get up and hobble to the bathroom, because having had four kids plus one massive charlie horse in your leg is a recipe for wetting your pants if you aren't swift, and I make it so crisis averted there. The cramp is moving around to the front of my leg to add a shin splint sort of effect which I don't quite appreciate, honestly I'd rather it didn't bother.

I slather on some icy hot generic product and as I sit here now, the fire of 1000 suns is ordering my muscles to relax and CHILL OUT FOOL. I can now flex my foot and stretch my leg without screaming for mercy. I still need that shower so apparently can look forward to a steamy Mentholatum scented event which should be lovely, right?

 I had to take this picture because, Foghorn Leghorn. Seriously. Now if only my kid had not MOVED while shooting. Little nerd. Lol.
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I Can't Find My Coffee Addiction

As a former two pot a day girl, I have to admit, I do love the coffee. But for health reasons and maybe just because I get enough sleep now (mostly) I have cut way back. In fact, for the past few months, I've been about a two cup a day girl. One cup first thing. I normally wake up thinking, mmmmmm coffee.

The first thing I do is stumble to the mecca of the Keurig to create my delicious dark beverage that will transform me to zombie to human. It's a magical elixir and I am truly a willing servant of it's powers.

But the last two days, some thing's...off. I didn't get straight up and run for coffee. In fact, I've been up 45 minutes and have yet to make a cup. I am considering foregoing the normal "good" cup I have here daily and just drinking the black death tar we have at work. Yes it's that bad. I don't even enjoy it. I just drink it for the drug it contains and treat it like a necessary evil.

Am I this close to kicking caffeine? SHOULD I kick caffeine? I mean, WHY should I? It doesn't keep me up at night, doesn't make my heart race, it doesn't do anything but make me happy and wake me up a bit. So should I kick it? 48 hours of massive headaches and wanting to kill everyone who looks at me sideways await you all if that's the way I go.

The more I think about it, the less terrible that cup at works sounds, in fact, it sounds like it might be quite good. Oh hello addiction, there you are.

Back to coffee I go.

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I Can't Find My Coffee Addiction

As a former two pot a day girl, I have to admit, I do love the coffee. But for health reasons and maybe just because I get enough sleep now (mostly) I have cut way back. In fact, for the past few months, I've been about a two cup a day girl. One cup first thing. I normally wake up thinking, mmmmmm coffee.

The first thing I do is stumble to the mecca of the Keurig to create my delicious dark beverage that will transform me to zombie to human. It's a magical elixir and I am truly a willing servant of it's powers.

But the last two days, some thing's...off. I didn't get straight up and run for coffee. In fact, I've been up 45 minutes and have yet to make a cup. I am considering foregoing the normal "good" cup I have here daily and just drinking the black death tar we have at work. Yes it's that bad. I don't even enjoy it. I just drink it for the drug it contains and treat it like a necessary evil.

Am I this close to kicking caffeine? SHOULD I kick caffeine? I mean, WHY should I? It doesn't keep me up at night, doesn't make my heart race, it doesn't do anything but make me happy and wake me up a bit. So should I kick it? 48 hours of massive headaches and wanting to kill everyone who looks at me sideways await you all if that's the way I go.

The more I think about it, the less terrible that cup at works sounds, in fact, it sounds like it might be quite good. Oh hello addiction, there you are.

Back to coffee I go.

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I Couldn't Find My Coffee

I sat down at the computer with a cup of hot steamy, sweet and creamy coffee but then got up to adjust the fan. When I sat back down I edited pics for a few minutes and then realized, I had no coffee.
I went over and turned on the light in the computer room, and couldn't sort out where it was.
I thought I just brought it upstairs with me, for a little "in between school buses computer time".

I went back downstairs. There was a ring on the counter where I had definitely poured it and not sponged up the ring. I knew the cup existed. I looked in the living room where the oldest boy was eating his grits. "Have you seen my coffee?" "Nope."

I looked in the bathroom, I looked in the refrigerator and the cabinet and then I wandered back upstairs thinking I would check my bedroom when I glanced over at the 8 year old quietly watching PBS.

That's a Big Lebowski cup. It says "I'm finishing my coffee."

And so he did.

I bet his teachers appreciated the highly caffeinated severely autistic child!
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I Couldn't Find My Coffee

I sat down at the computer with a cup of hot steamy, sweet and creamy coffee but then got up to adjust the fan. When I sat back down I edited pics for a few minutes and then realized, I had no coffee.
I went over and turned on the light in the computer room, and couldn't sort out where it was.
I thought I just brought it upstairs with me, for a little "in between school buses computer time".

I went back downstairs. There was a ring on the counter where I had definitely poured it and not sponged up the ring. I knew the cup existed. I looked in the living room where the oldest boy was eating his grits. "Have you seen my coffee?" "Nope."

I looked in the bathroom, I looked in the refrigerator and the cabinet and then I wandered back upstairs thinking I would check my bedroom when I glanced over at the 8 year old quietly watching PBS.

That's a Big Lebowski cup. It says "I'm finishing my coffee."

And so he did.

I bet his teachers appreciated the highly caffeinated severely autistic child!
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The Coffee Effect

I never ever had a problem with coffee until I saw Steel Magnolias. Never. I had consumed it for years happily. But watching it with my mom, I asked what they meant by saying their dad's coffee had kicked in, and she told me that coffee makes some people have to poop.
Since that moment, I have been clutched in the grip of a psychosomatic poop fest.
I don't even have to drink the coffee anymore. If I smell the coffee, it's a gut clenching race to the restroom.
I would be super model thin, if the world were right and just, based on the amount of daily ass-purging I end up doing.
I swear the bulimics don't barf as much as I poop after coffee. It's not just one cup either. It's cup after cup.

If I gave up coffee, I suspect I'd lose my ability to void all together.

I used to eat at a place, House of Tokyo, that every time we ate there for lunch, we all spent the rest of the day crapping our brains out. It was a bizarre bonding experience with my workmates, I confess. We'd laugh as we raced to the restroom, chat between the stalls about WHICH thing they were serving us that was causing this horrific event - mainly food passing right through us undigested. But we never stopped going, the food was DELICIOUS, if poisonous.

We decided it was the sesame oil, by the way.

But coffee claims the place in my heart as my sole addiction. I HAVE to have it. I love it also. I love it sweet and creamy. I love it black as night. I love it with flavors and I love it with the hint of the citrus trees it's beans were grown next to.

So I won't stop consuming this beast that causes me pain and suffering with every cup, or with the smell of every cup, or with the consideration of every cup.

Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go the the bathroom. BRB.

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The Coffee Effect

I never ever had a problem with coffee until I saw Steel Magnolias. Never. I had consumed it for years happily. But watching it with my mom, I asked what they meant by saying their dad's coffee had kicked in, and she told me that coffee makes some people have to poop.
Since that moment, I have been clutched in the grip of a psychosomatic poop fest.
I don't even have to drink the coffee anymore. If I smell the coffee, it's a gut clenching race to the restroom.
I would be super model thin, if the world were right and just, based on the amount of daily ass-purging I end up doing.
I swear the bulimics don't barf as much as I poop after coffee. It's not just one cup either. It's cup after cup.

If I gave up coffee, I suspect I'd lose my ability to void all together.

I used to eat at a place, House of Tokyo, that every time we ate there for lunch, we all spent the rest of the day crapping our brains out. It was a bizarre bonding experience with my workmates, I confess. We'd laugh as we raced to the restroom, chat between the stalls about WHICH thing they were serving us that was causing this horrific event - mainly food passing right through us undigested. But we never stopped going, the food was DELICIOUS, if poisonous.

We decided it was the sesame oil, by the way.

But coffee claims the place in my heart as my sole addiction. I HAVE to have it. I love it also. I love it sweet and creamy. I love it black as night. I love it with flavors and I love it with the hint of the citrus trees it's beans were grown next to.

So I won't stop consuming this beast that causes me pain and suffering with every cup, or with the smell of every cup, or with the consideration of every cup.

Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go the the bathroom. BRB.

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A Return to The Fold

I always thought that with the scads of alcoholic, pill popper and various other drug abuse DNA coursing through my veins that I got off rather LIGHTLY with only an outrageous coffee addiction monkey on my back. I've always rather worried, that if I GAVE UP that particular devil, that this DNA might start then searching for it's new addiction in order to fulfill it's role on the old Watson Crick Helix.
But, it seems, at least so far, no such demon has arisen. I've moved from the Barbie Doll style coffee of General Foods International Coffees to Maxwell House Half Calf, adding 1/3 of a the cup as creamer and I seem straight.
I've apparently found exactly the right way to cut my own personal cocaine.

And, it's sort of OK actually. I'm rocking enough creamer to really invalidate it as a "serious coffee drinkers coffee" but still, the caffeine headaches and irritability stay at bay - plus I don't feel like I'm stroking out after the first cup.
These SEEMS like a viable compromise. Plus, the GFIC is really too expensive for a long term solution. Good grief. I can't imagine the 30 bucks a week or whatever I've be blowing on that stuff. Do you know what GOOD coffee I could've bought with such funds? It boggles the mind.

So, I'm back on the horse, got a smaller monkey, or maybe it's only a lemur this time - on my back.

I have to admit, I feel a bit more NORMAL now. Phew - that was close!

A Return to The Fold

I always thought that with the scads of alcoholic, pill popper and various other drug abuse DNA coursing through my veins that I got off rather LIGHTLY with only an outrageous coffee addiction monkey on my back. I've always rather worried, that if I GAVE UP that particular devil, that this DNA might start then searching for it's new addiction in order to fulfill it's role on the old Watson Crick Helix.
But, it seems, at least so far, no such demon has arisen. I've moved from the Barbie Doll style coffee of General Foods International Coffees to Maxwell House Half Calf, adding 1/3 of a the cup as creamer and I seem straight.
I've apparently found exactly the right way to cut my own personal cocaine.

And, it's sort of OK actually. I'm rocking enough creamer to really invalidate it as a "serious coffee drinkers coffee" but still, the caffeine headaches and irritability stay at bay - plus I don't feel like I'm stroking out after the first cup.
These SEEMS like a viable compromise. Plus, the GFIC is really too expensive for a long term solution. Good grief. I can't imagine the 30 bucks a week or whatever I've be blowing on that stuff. Do you know what GOOD coffee I could've bought with such funds? It boggles the mind.

So, I'm back on the horse, got a smaller monkey, or maybe it's only a lemur this time - on my back.

I have to admit, I feel a bit more NORMAL now. Phew - that was close!

Infidelity

In my quest to replace my morning coffee, which now makes me feel like I'm gonna die when I drink it, with SOMETHING.....I purchased the anti-coffee.
General Foods International Coffee.
Really, let's face it, it's coffee for people who don't LIKE coffee. Sweet, creamy, with "flavor" of this or that it - barely TASTES like coffee at all.
But, it didn't make me ill, and it satisfied my need for a hot coffee-like beverage in the morning. Plus Baby Birth of Cool, who has turned into a full fledged coffee junkie from taking sips of Mommy's, thinks that the GFIC is like the coffee version of Crack.
I picked up Cafe Francais because it's sort of a pseudo cafe au lait and not toooo sweet. I might try another one next time.
But here is the worst part, today I'm out, so I'm simply drinking hot apple cider. I'm not exactly sure but it might be actually doing as much good as any other thing I've been drinking in the morning. It's soothing, feels good, and has a comforting warmth.
Maybe my addiction all these years wasn't to the caffeine but to the warm drink.

No that's wrong because I became a psycho when I gave up coffee during my pregnancies....the caffeine withdrawal was ferocious.

I'm gonna try one of those half caff coffees and see if that helps. I suspect my illness when I drink coffee now is directly caffeine related - sweats, racing heart, nervousness, nausea, disorientation etc. I feel a bit like I'm having a heart attack AND a stroke at the same time. Thus, I'm not that keen on returning to the fold of the coffee drinker.

Man, in my day, I've had some of the best coffee in the world. I have consumed massive quantities on a daily basis. I'm beginning to wonder if the human body can only consume X amount of coffee during one lifetime - and I drank it all before I was 40.

Infidelity

In my quest to replace my morning coffee, which now makes me feel like I'm gonna die when I drink it, with SOMETHING.....I purchased the anti-coffee.
General Foods International Coffee.
Really, let's face it, it's coffee for people who don't LIKE coffee. Sweet, creamy, with "flavor" of this or that it - barely TASTES like coffee at all.
But, it didn't make me ill, and it satisfied my need for a hot coffee-like beverage in the morning. Plus Baby Birth of Cool, who has turned into a full fledged coffee junkie from taking sips of Mommy's, thinks that the GFIC is like the coffee version of Crack.
I picked up Cafe Francais because it's sort of a pseudo cafe au lait and not toooo sweet. I might try another one next time.
But here is the worst part, today I'm out, so I'm simply drinking hot apple cider. I'm not exactly sure but it might be actually doing as much good as any other thing I've been drinking in the morning. It's soothing, feels good, and has a comforting warmth.
Maybe my addiction all these years wasn't to the caffeine but to the warm drink.

No that's wrong because I became a psycho when I gave up coffee during my pregnancies....the caffeine withdrawal was ferocious.

I'm gonna try one of those half caff coffees and see if that helps. I suspect my illness when I drink coffee now is directly caffeine related - sweats, racing heart, nervousness, nausea, disorientation etc. I feel a bit like I'm having a heart attack AND a stroke at the same time. Thus, I'm not that keen on returning to the fold of the coffee drinker.

Man, in my day, I've had some of the best coffee in the world. I have consumed massive quantities on a daily basis. I'm beginning to wonder if the human body can only consume X amount of coffee during one lifetime - and I drank it all before I was 40.

My Dark Mistress

Okay I know I wasn't around while I was sick. And I neglected you.
I didn't spend time with you, I know. There was no contact for days, and then, I just felt weird when I did try to spend time with you.
My heart would race, I felt nervous and queasy. Something was wrong.
This relationship is old. And I like our time together, no I LOVE our time together. Heck even The Husband tried to bring us together while I was recovering, but I just wasn't in the mood.
So what now? My love for you is two decades old. What will I replace you with?
The spark is gone, my lust and need has waned after my illness.

Coffee, what has changed between us? And how can I learn to love you again?

My Dark Mistress

Okay I know I wasn't around while I was sick. And I neglected you.
I didn't spend time with you, I know. There was no contact for days, and then, I just felt weird when I did try to spend time with you.
My heart would race, I felt nervous and queasy. Something was wrong.
This relationship is old. And I like our time together, no I LOVE our time together. Heck even The Husband tried to bring us together while I was recovering, but I just wasn't in the mood.
So what now? My love for you is two decades old. What will I replace you with?
The spark is gone, my lust and need has waned after my illness.

Coffee, what has changed between us? And how can I learn to love you again?