I Don't Feel Better

After the first day of area testing, I don't feel better.
As a matter of fact, I can't even properly describe how I feel.

Desolate.

Desolate strikes a chord. Can a person feel Desolate? I'm an old west town with bar room doors swinging in the wind, and dust & tumbleweeds rolling through the streets. I'm ratted curtains blowing through broken glass (gingham curtains, blue gingham) window (4 pane window) in a shoddy casement. I'm storefronts long abandoned.

I'm empty.

Why don't I feel BETTER? I should be mature enough to realize that professionals telling me what is WRONG is good. That learning what is wrong with the twins will help, in the end. I should be delighted to learn the amazing things I learned about my babies - even though they are big things, they are scary things.

I am not.

I guess, it's sort of like - if you thought you had cancer. And then you were worried that you had cancer. And it SEEMED likely that you had cancer. And you WENT to the doctor and he said "Why yes, you have cancer but here is what we can do" you STILL wouldn't be doing a dance. Because, even though your heart told you what was true, hearing it still stings and wounds you.

We have to do this again tomorrow. With the other twin. Who is, in fact, not as far developed in many ways as the first one is.

They are so sweet. They are so loving.

I just do not understand how this happened to my babies.