Wednesday, September 30, 2009
How did this happen? I suppose my own mother wonders the same thing, how is her little girl 40 already? And how old, in turn, are the two of US suddenly then if he's seven?
I remember every minute of the day he was born including the ones I slept, half watching the Godfather trilogy in a drugged stupor.
But what I was thinking about most, last night as we snuggled into bed together at the end of the day (one of his birthday requests) was seeing his face for the very firsy time. I remember knowing him instantly, this was mine. There was no pain I wouldn't endure, no path I wouldn't walk to protect him. Every instinct in me rose up as I pulled him close and kissed him.
Last night as he dozed off with his head on my arm, and his face went slack with sleep.....I saw him again. That new baby who first won me over with a look of incredulous confusion.
I held him tight and the two of us dreamt together. It was a wonderful night.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
The bed rest was the first difference, and the random, painful bleeding around weeks 5 and 6 which then just ZAP stopped.
Based on what the doctor had to say, WHICH WAS A LOT, the real issue is not getting pregnant at 40 (for normal people - not people like me) it's
- Staying pregnant - we kick out bad eggs more often at this age
- The list of real problems and complications is seriously longer at this age.
I'm not really terribly WORRIED about this list, the possible complications. Maybe I'm bizarrely optimistic, or foolishly hopeful. But I feel GOOD about the baby. I feel good that she is fine. She's kicking my ass as far as my sleepyhead status goes.......but I feel like we're putzing along ok, she and I.
Then I started getting this pain in my right side yesterday. Hormones doing what they do, joints get looser and my hips traditionally ache during pregnancy. Yesterday I ate Tylenol all day. Today however the tap was turned on high and it was serious pain. Then I went to the bathroom and.....
Bright red blood. The BAD KIND. The kind you don't want to see when you are 9 weeks pregnant. And more. And pain.
I ended up back at the OBGYN getting an ultrasound and we're all old friends by now. The baby is fine, superfast hearbeat - over 180 - and looking great. (An aside, I noted she still has her tail as she should, and the tech says "I don't like to think of it as a tail" - WHAT? It's a TAIL! All medical books and writings refer to it as the tail good grief.......I know that was an anti-evolution thing and it was cracking me up cuz then I kept talking about it)
Anyway, she's fine. I apparently, from what they can see - had a cyst rupture. Thus the pain.
The bleeding? Well........that's where it gets tricky. Am I trying to miscarry? The baby doesn't give any signs. Is it bleeding behind the placenta as it implants? Hard to say. Is it my bicornet uterus? Possibly. They say one side can bleed while the other is growing a baby. Mine isn't as crazy as the one pictured, not quite as big of a divide between the two sides, more like a close heart. Regardless, it's a defect in me that apparently usually keeps people from going to term or from even getting pregnant,much less carrying twins or delivering a baby boy over 9 pounds. My new OBGYN apparently put the ultrasound tech THROUGH it because he didn't believe I could have that condition AND my childbirth history.
But I promise you, both things are true.
So anyway......the bleeding stopped. And now.............
We dunno. I go back on Friday for another ultrasound and another check up. We discussed if the worst happens, if I suddenly have no fetal heartbeat I opted for an immediate D&C vs. last year's nightmare. He feels we will prepare for the worst and assume we'll have the best.
But she looks great. I could see her little arms today - and I have no reason to believe that I won't see them again on Friday.
And kiss them in April.
Monday, September 21, 2009
So we'll wait, and see what mother nature brings us next. I'm not excited, based on the grey skies I see.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
This rain has no where to go.
There is going to be another 3-6 inches overnight.
I remember when we first moved to Florida, I'd freak out when they'd say we had 6 inches of rain. They I'd realize it all ran off into the ocean, no big whup. But here?
I personally am not. I live on one of (the seller of the house said the highest but I believe that to be untrue) the highest points in my county. I feel bad for at the end of my street - however. It dips sharply down - and there is A CREEK down there which I imagine to be over it's banks and then some by now.
So much rain has been great for the pumpkins, and the roses. But I wonder at what point is it troublesome for us all?
Friday, September 18, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
After the services we saw my husband's family at the requisite family meal and it was nice because my kids had never seen some of these relatives. I feel really bad because I'm realizing that we didn't get pictures, or as many as we should've with his family.
I don't really know why and now I'm feeling all bad about that. His sister took pictures so I am really hoping that she sends them to us.
But what I realized, laying in bed this morning was something rather odd about our trip.
We went a lot of places, saw a lot of people - and it almost seemed throughout the trip - that we were showing our oldest son (because the little ones didn't quite understand) WHO WE ARE and HOW WE GOT HERE.
These are the people we love, we were showing him. This is where we lived. This is where we
used to go. These are the things we love and like. It was a whirlwind of dunking our children into the ponds of our past. Starting with his family on both sides and then to see mine for dinner.
Here are mine with their 1st cousin Maddie at our favorite place to eat when visiting Grandma. THE PIZZA KING! This one has a train that delivers your drinks, which if you are little, is pretty much the coolest thing ever from what I can tell.
Besides the brilliant train and yummy pizza the pizza king has a train ride of dubious safety (they've had to bolt it to the wall) but the kids like it.
Here are the twins riding the train with their Grandma helping.
Of course the big boy and Maddie needed a turn as well.
My brother has a new baby that I got to see and kiss and hug for the first time as well. She's a chunky cuddler, I love big babies. They give the best snuggles.
This is what we do in Indiana, when there is death in the family. We eat meals together. First with his family, immediately following the funeral, and then this day we ate with mine. I'm not sure if it's some archetypal throwback to "eat drink and be merry for tomorrow we may die" or if it's just basic family bonding. Sometimes you eat at the house, sometimes you go out to eat.
But you eat. You definitely eat.
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
The boy is pretty excited regardless.
I am told that we have a few remaining (we planted several that day). I haven't trekked out to our pumpkin patch to see how we're doing as of yet.
In other great farming news - remember the orange seeds we germinated at the same time?
The husband tells me we have two.
Good grief, we're farmers.
Monday, September 07, 2009
Small talk is important. It allows us to make small, un-intrusive channels of conversation that might, at some point in the future open up to greater openness and even friendship.
It also provides a correct and polite boundary when conversing with strangers and people one might not normally converse with
Let's start with some very basic, genteel small talk.
Person A: "Hi! How are you today?"
Person B: "I'm fine, how are you?"
Person A: "I'm great, thanks."
See, in this conversation, two people have just engaged in small talk. We don't know that Person A just spent two hours waiting on the locksmith or that Person B is on their way to visit someone in Hospice. It isn't germane. This isn't a deep conversation between intimates.
This is two people standing at the counter at McDonald's waiting on their to go orders to be handed out. This is a waiter and their customer. This is two people riding on the bus. It could even be the opening VOLLEY of a conversation between good friends, who simply aren't up to an in depth conversation due to the place or the timing.
When someone says they are "FINE" you don't COUNTER. This isn't sales, you aren't trying to force them into the cigar of the month club with a rebuttal. You do not say "Well we're all FINE but HOW ARE YOU REALLY? TELL ME YOUR FEELINGS."
Because frankly, people would stare at you like you were mad. Or, made uncomfortable they'd say "No really, I'm fine" and find their way AWAY from you. Quickly.
Small talk is a social grace and it's simply conversation for it's own sake. It's manners and it's frivolous but still, it never ceases to amaze me how people can screw it up.
Here is another great example. My child runs over and steals a french fry off your table. (Ok they never did this I just thought it up.) I extract the child and say to you,"I'm so sorry. He's Special."
The correct response from you is something understanding and forgiving, and heck I'd even accept annoyed but understanding. THE INCORRECT RESPONSE IS "Well they are all SPECIAL, aren't they?"
Special, my ignorant friend, is a term used for children/people who are disabled in some way, in case you have been living under a rock or in a cave, or cloistered in an abbey. See, your little smug retorte might seem witty or godly or whatever the hell you think it is.
But instead, you just bounced the ball back to my court. Rudely, at that.
I've got a new response, just for all you holier-than-thou-they're-all-special fucktards who have decided that this is going to be your answer. I'm pretty proud of it. I get this response, as does the husband, so much, that I determined that a witty/evil retort was in order.
Here is what I'm going to say to you.
"I don't know. Are they all autistic?"
Here are my five year olds having a cup in the backseat of my car for the first time in their lives. They're all special, aren't they?
My husband wants to start responding, "I don't know, do all five year olds wear diapers?"
Sunday, September 06, 2009
They had old school tractors and fancy tractors with AC and lotsa modern comforts as well. I think we all know though, that only real tractors are green. Those other colors - well, I don't know what those machines are. (insert grin).
They also had a UPS truck. I suppose UPS was a sponsor or something, because it was bizarrely out of place.
The kids to to climb on it and in it and honk the horn (hilarious - the husband says WHO IS MAKING THAT TERRIBLE NOISE? I said OUR KIDS HONKING THE HORN)
There were also tractor rides, and I felt bad that my little guys couldn't go but I wasn't comfortable letting them - they don't perceive danger well enough to remain safe in that seat and frankly, I can see either of them ending up under that tractor wheel. I just couldn't deal with it.
That's a weird thing that other people don't have to think much about, after a certain age. "Will my child plunge to his death because he has no sense of fear?"
Sigh, mine will (the twins). They don't get it. It makes them bold and strong but it also makes them reckless and prone to get hurt. It's like constantly guarding a baby.
Did I mention that there were trains?
Saturday, September 05, 2009
I made it extra chocolately just because I could.
I'm know, I'm a rebel.
Don't worry I won't let all that free time alone go to my head.
Anyway - back before I was confined to the land of bed, we went last weekend to the Aquarium - the Georgia Aquarium. It's so beautiful and mesmerizing (in addition to being the largest aquarium in the world) that I think anyone who visits me and doesn't go there, gets a boot to the head.
WHALE SHARK! This is a Whale Shark. They are amazing. You can't fathom how big the tank is that they are in, until one swims by you and you're just awestruck at their size - they are truly these graceful giants.
We got the aquarium earlier than usual (we're passholders and usually roll in later in the day just to putz around for an hour or two) and spent lots of time in the touchy feely small fishy section for the kids. It is rather interesting - all these small creatures up close and personal.
As you can see, The Birth of Cool is not at all concerned about the shark swimming by him. As a matter of fact, he thinks it's a riot. This is a large bubble where the kids can climb out and actually be IN the tank a bit - the BIG TANK. It kind of makes me woozy looking into it.
They have added a new ray or two into the BIG tank. For some perspective as to it's size.....
Here is it sailing past Lil Satchmo.
My favorite section besidtes the BIG tank, is the Artic section where they have Beluga whales.
I think that they are amazing, it's so relaxing to watch them play - they are one of the most graceful creatures I've ever seen. I'd like to have a cup of coffee and a comfy seat and just sit and watch them for hours.
They have a giant dead squid which the big boy thinks is hilarious. He thinks it would be better if it were a live one.
Now - those Belugas.......
Thursday, September 03, 2009
- Unable to get pregnant - which I thought was the worst but was wrong. That was simply frustration - WHY AM I NOT PREGNANT and the like.
- Able to get pregnant but miscarrying each time - which we've gone through a couple of times now in the last couple of years.
- Suddenly pregnant for no reason - which is the best side of that particular stone I'm sure you agree. I personally thought it rocked.
I guess I mistakenly thought that pregnancy in my world had two stories, it would work out or it would not. My pregnancies which worked out went off just great. My pregnancies which miscarried failed fast and early.
I wasn't aware I had turned the stone to look into another side.
Pregnancy which is fine but you body seems to not be a willing participant in.
At six weeks pregnant I have great hormone levels, a baby with a heartbeat (yes I saw it) but - I'm bleeding. Who knows why? I'm on bedrest, laying down as much as I can.
Everything is FINE, but everything is not fine.
So I don't know what is going to happen. But I am hopeful. I lay in my bed and on the sofa and I wait and I hope.
I hope it is enough.