A Mommy Blog About Raising Men, Not Boys.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

This Is How We Do It

Halloween is one of our favorite times of year around these parts.......and in addition to the big trip to the pumpkin patch we looooove to make yummy treats. So far this year's offering includes devil's food cupcakes with orange icing (not pictured cuz we ate them up), lime green spooky shaped Jigglers.....
and this undertaking.
Yeah it's a kit, no I didn't harvest ginger by the light of the moon like Martha Stewart would have me do. But it was fun to make, and in the course of making it, the boys and I ate our weight in icing. Mmmmmmmmm..........icing.........

Monday, October 29, 2007

When You Absolutely Postively Have to Kill Every Muther Fucker In The Room

Do it with Style.

Thanks to STYLEDASH for finding this thing. Now, do you think Sarah will play her Hello Kitty guitar while I fire this thing?

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

And the Rain Rain Rain Came Down Down Down

If any of you doubt the validity of my new supreme being, Ted Turner, please behold what he sent me today as a gift.

Thank you Ted. The rain is really good for us here in the ATL.
Now could you send lightning to strike all fuckwads who continue to wash their cars despite the drought?

Monday, October 22, 2007

Ted Turner - My new Deity.

For those of you who live in caves there are two disasters racing across parts of the United States. One is the wildfires in California. The other, is the drought in Georgia.
We need rain like you would not believe.
We are days, if you believe the right people, away from being out of water.
We are lucky, we don't have a fire like those in SoCal to contend with. Cuz this place would go up WHOOOOSH.
Yesterday, I jokingly said,"Maybe Ted Tuner could buy us some rain. He's sure got the resources to buy some rain, right?" And casually thought to myself that if Ted could make it rain, I would make him my new personal Deity. After all, he's as valid as any other I know of. And he seems like a pretty good guy all in all.

I woke up this morning to a downpour.

Congratulations Ted Turner. You get all my Deity type requests from now on. Thanks man, you rule.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Thank You For Calling 911, Your Call Is Important To Us - Please Remain on the Line

So I'm home with the kids and my husband is taking a much deserved daddy rest at the movies when, suddenly my home is filled with the screaming of the fire alarm. A quick peak into the hall tells me it's the BUILDING alarm going off so I call 911 to summon the appropriate parties. You know "Hello, please send firetrucks" that sort of thing.
I dial. AND I GET PUT IN QUEUE. That's right. 911 is UNDERSTAFFED and I'm on hold.
Thank God I wasn't bleeding to death or about to lose consciousness.

Then, when Miss Helpful 911 Operator gets on the line she asks me if I can please move away from the fire alarm because it's hurting her ears. I tell her AGAIN no, I have nowhere to go - ALL the alarms are going off I can't get away from them and PLEASE JUST SEND THE FIRETRUCKS THANKS SO MUCH.

Now, ummm. I've got like approximately 20 years of callcenter experience under my belt so I realize I've got an advantage on you OH WAIT NO I DO NOT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO HAVE PROFESSIONALS RUNNING THOSE CENTERS......

So here, in a nutshell is what 911 needs.

Some Avaya switches. Several. Big ass Avaya switches with shitloads of bells and whistles. Pay the money. It is worth it.
All call routing should take place in the cloud. That this means to the laymen is that call routing would take place to the most available agent, vs to your local 911 which might be busy. Your call can effectively be answered by an agent ANYWHERE across the country who can THEN dispatch the appropriate first responder in your community based on the address databases which exist in 911. They can communicate any pertinent info TO those emergency response teams.
Cell phone calls can have those same teams dipatched based on their GPS if the phone HAS that technology.
It isn't brain surgery.

It would be, though, like reinventing a really wobbly wheel and replacing it with a racing slick. Efficiency. Twenty Four Hours a day Seven Days a Week.

911, get your shit together. I needed you. Thank god it was only some idiot pulled the fire alarm this time. How many people with REAL EMERGENCIES are getting fucked over by your total lack of organization?

Technology from the early 90s would make you an unstoppable force of lifesaving.
Why don't you have it?

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Let the Halloween Festivities Begin!

We fully embrace our inner child every year in October and this year is no exception. We trekked up to Burts Farm in the GA Mountains for a family day out at the Pumpkin patch. Breathing fresh air - letting everyone choose a pumpkin.........seriously man, it's like a 1950s wholesome family day out.
We did the HAYRIDE: and then we roamed the pumpkin patch to find the perfect family pumpkin. I think you'll agree that we found it.
But Martha Stewart has been preaching the gospel of pumpkins of OTHER colors besides orange. So after we obtained the FAMILY pumpkin (yeah had to drag that mofo upstairs via the STROLLER it weighs like 80 pounds). We set out to find our individual pumpkins. Baby Bird Man and Baby Birth of Cool didn't care about Martha, they went for orange.
But Lil Satchmo embraced Martha's edicts and chose something different!

Mommy and Daddy chose a blue and a red pumpkin. Martha would be proud of us, I think. Now if she would just send someone over to carve them all fancy.

The other part of Halloween I love is the making of the Halloween treats. This year I'm kicking it off with the Halloween Haystacks I made for the bake sale at work. Yeah they're just HAYSTACKS but hey, they are goooood.

Friday, October 19, 2007

I love the NEW Ann Coulter

Say you want about Ann Coulter - with just a few adjustments she could be a perfect human being. Or so says MAXIM!
Dude that shit is funny.
She's like Paris Hilton to me. I can never figure out WHY she is famous.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

10 Years On

Ten years ago today my best friend talked me into going out with her and her THEN boyfriend (now husband) to BW3 in Broad Ripple.
I really really really really did not want to go. I was bummed. I had no boyfriend. I hadn't dated in like a year. And going along with them on their DATE sounded like about the worst fucking idea I had ever heard.
However, I also did not want to sit around the house doing nothing.
So I went

And that night, I met a boy.

You know him.

I sleep next to him every night. We touch feet as we drift off every night, a final caress to let the other one know we are there. We argue. We snuggle. We have children and we'd like to have another. Because we can't imagine our house without a baby in it, and maybe because having children has made us so happy.

All because one night, I talked to a boy in a bar.

So today I'd like to thank Laura and John. They drug me out of the house in Beech Grove one night.

And into my new life.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Proof that Yo Gabba Gabba is Corrupting our Children

While I love a show with Mark Mothersbaugh AND Biz Markie........now my kid is beat boxing to dueling banjos.

Apology in Advance for the Forthcoming Rant.......

Cuz I DO want to get off on a rant here.
Okay, I don't blog about issues or causes or that which is righteous and just or any other shit which is going to inspire dialogue or comments from the intelligentsia of the blogosphere.
Because mostly, I just don't care. I don't care to engage in meaningful discussions in counterpoint. But, Gourmet magazine made my head explode and I just can't let it go.
That's right, my yuppie sensibilities have been enraged by Gourmet magazine.

In the restaurant Issue October 07, there is this trendy little article about this lovely recherche Barbecue Joint in Kabul. Yeah, you heard me. Kabul. Because there is nothing I associate more with chic dining that Kabul. I'm serious, at one point this article says, as though it's sharing a cool secret, that you have to signal the men at the gate with machine guns to get inside.

Yeah. That's right.

So after I give the secret hand signal and am driving inside the gates of this secret swank destination I am then treated to the insights of the international trendsetters who are feasting on BBQ pork ribs in this exotic land.

Pork, in a Muslim country.

In a Muslim EXTREMIST country.

Now, um, call me square and unenlightened. Call me unworldly and oh so uninformed. But it just seems to me, that the best possible way to poke the bear of extremism in a theocracy is to write a hip little piece about something that offends their entire religion. And it offends me a bit. It makes light of a religion I don't embrace, but I have the sensibility not to mock. Maybe, just maybe it makes sense not to mock any religion. Don't put porno stores next to baptist churches. Don't put beef slaughterhouses near Hindu temples. Simple stuff like that. Respect people's beliefs.

I would suspect, that when extremists barge into this place and cut off all the patron's heads with spoons we'll all be shocked.

And yeah - thanks, I just said recherche.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

The Long Awaited Sarah Post

Okay I've got Blogorrhea (this is the opposite of being Blogstipated) and have had so much to blog about that my head is about to explode - but I owe Sarah a post.
We made this bet on the Colts Game and the deal was, the loser had to write a post extolling the virtures of the winner - and the winner had to go ahead and write a post about the loser also extolling their virtues.
But instead of using the losers name - we had to use a list of names provied by Lumpyheads Mom. Kind of like a Madlibs only funny to the mommyblogger set.

So - here goes.

All italics should be SARAH - but since the Bucs were big losers........here we go.

* I met Brian Boitano at the Twins Club in Tamp. We were both big with our multiple children growing inside of us. But it was fun to bond with a new friend over our love of the various flavours of Tums. Hulk Hogan always seemed to have fruity ones while mine were mint.
* Eva Braun and I both knew the sexes of our twins when we met, and I was jealous she got the mixed back, BG twins.
* Coco Chanel and her husband Burt Reynolds (sorry Gabe, it just worked) invited us over for Thanksgiving when our twins were all babies, it was so much fun - having a Thanksgiving dinner with new friends and we all had ALL these babies - it was a little surreal but honestly they were probably the only family that could have invited us over for a big family meal and NOT been horrified by the mess under the high chairs. It was wonderful and fun, and makes me miss the two of them terribly if I think about it too much.
* I knew I liked Falco right off the bat when she not only knew who GWAR was, but had been to a show. I personally have never been to a GWAR show but I did once love a boy who told me I was as sexy as Slymenstra Hymen. And when I said that to Leanord Nimoy, it was like I'd met a kindred spirit. You don't meet a lot of GWAR fans in the Mommy Clubs.
* Loni Anderson and I used to make it a point to go out to dinner at least once a month, sans kids. We'd sit and giggle and drink, and drink and giggle, and order a modicum of food. Meeting Charo and spending time with her like this was the first adult friend I had ever met that I didn't work with. It was invigorating and refreshing to have such a wonderful friend. I miss her like you would not believe.
* Pia Zadora never seems to know how beautiful she is. It baffles me. She's tall and slender and has this country club elegance to her. Even in jeans or sweats. She always seems naturally at ease and comfortable. I think this is why everyone loves her so much. She's just so relaxing to people around her. People who don't like Biz Markie, are not really people worth spending any time with.
*Ryan Leaf is a good friend. She's solid. Dependable. If she is your friend, she is truly your friend. She is not the sort to say one thing and then do another. Gaving McLeod tends not to gossip, if she's talking about someone it's more likely she's wondering if they are okay rather than dishing. She has a good heart.
*Lindsay Lohan would let you crash at her house any time, if she was your friend. And she'd be glad to see you, provided you brought over a 12 pack (well you have to share some of the beer with Zac Efron he lives there too).
*Sean Preston Federline is one of the best friends I ever made, and I love her with all my heart. I would do anything for her in this world. She is genuine, she is flawed yet graceful, and she is kind. She isn't your too beautiful friend but she's so pretty. I always forget how pretty she is until I see a picture.

And well, she is great to go drinking with too.

Here's to you Sarah. I love you!

Now, what you wanna bet when the Falcons your team?

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Now I, Had The Time Of My Life

I had a date with my husband last week. I was going to blog about it while I was in the afterglow of joy from the event. But then the apartment caught on fire, and then the Colts Game was on Sunday(yes I have a post about Sarah or IS IT about her coming) and then I had my birthday and YES I AM BEHIND.

So rewind. Pre-Fire.

The Husband and I have been wanting to have a hand holding sitting on the couch watching a movie like two kids in love sort of date for a while.

Life kept getting in the way. My PMS kept getting in the way. And it just kept not happening. He told me he had this special movie all picked out and it was something I'd really like etc....but it just kept not working out.

So finally. We had a night. It was a good day, we got the kids off to bed with minimal tears. We had wine, we settled down on the couch. He had me close my eyes while he loaded up the movie.

I nearly started sobbing. Want to know why? Because it was DIRTY DANCING.
Yes, that's right. DIRTY DANCING.

When I was in college there were two midnight movies. One was the old stand by Rocky Horror. The OTHER night was always Dirty Dancing. If you didn't have a date, and you had the buck for the cost of admission you'd go with the group of girls from my dorm downtown Terre Haute and sit through Dirty Dancing, one more time. Dirty Dancing is smuggled in cherry vodka to mix with your coke, it's a lonely weekend night without a date, it's being an OLDER teenager not yet a grown up, it's about being free but rudderless.

Dirty Dancing was a movie I never, ever watched with a boy.

I sat there, with the man I love, on the couch, drinking wine and holding hands. I laughed at the innocence of it.....and cried at the romantic parts. I looked for anachronisms when I could find them, and The Husband pointed them out as well. And for about 90 minutes, it's like I was never that girl who was pretending not to be sad because she was dateless.

Because I had the only date I'll ever want for the rest of my life.

And it was like watching a whole different movie.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

An Open Letter To My Birthday Bunny

My Dearest Bunny,

Good Morning, Birthday Girl! When we met, you had just turned 29. Ten years have passed since then and you've only grown more beautiful. When I wake up every day, I'm always amazed at how you don't seem to age at all. Sure, you're more elegant, more graceful, more mature. But you are also possessed of a timeless beauty. It's truly astonishing to look in those big, blue eyes and think that you are 39. It just doesn't seem possible. It's like time stood still. You always make me feel so young and alive, just being near you. I just can't wait to see what you are going to look like tomorrow, next week, next year, in 50 years. But I'm pretty sure I already know.

"If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you" - Winnie the Pooh

I love you so much, Bunny. Have the most wonderful birthday. - Hunny

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Never Work With Animals or Children

Well, I'll work with children. Because none of them ever did THIS to me.

In other news the mall near us has a Slot Racing track where you can race for about 5 bucks. It was a big hit.

The boy came in second, his first time racing, behind a guy who owned his own car and LAPPED everyone twice. Pretty good job, first time racing.

And here is one for Sarah. You had to know the boy would turn out this way based on how I met his Father.

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Simultaneous Twin Tantrum

On Fire In The ATL

I have this great post to write you about last night. Instead I have to write this one first,while it is on my mind.
Last night after movie-date night, when I had conked out due to the two bottles of wine followed by cocktails, at about 3am every light in my bedroom flipped on. I sat up and my husband says "FIRE! GET UP GET DRESSED NOW! FIRE!" or something like that. I stumble out of bed put on bra, shorts, tshirt and roll to the living room.
He's putting on his own shoes and says he's running downstairs to move the car for the fire dept (our parking spot is sort of IN FRONT of the stairwell).
He tells me it's the appt BENEATH us on fire.
While he is gone, I hear their alarm beeping.
Beeeeeeeep Beeeeeeeeep Beeeeeeeeeep Beeeeeeeeep.

I wonder how the fire department will get IN through our community gate. I mean, how DO they get in? Is there some universal fire department code at every gated community? As I pondered this my husband came bursting back through the door.
"Grab a kid we have to go NOW"

We each grabbed a twin, I took Lil Satchmo's hand and headed for the door. I slung the diaper bag over my shoulder and my husband opened the door.

Mothers nightmare. Hallway filled with smoke. Horrible burning smell. "Did you call 911 how do you know they are coming?" He says "Because they are here."

We drag the kids down the stairs and over to the now moved car and waited.
I stood there,watching the firefighters work, considering the situation.

They brought an engine and an aerial truck. So they weren't fucking around they came prepared. Good to know.

You know what you think about, as the men in full bunker gear descend down the smoke filled hallway beneath your dwelling? You start to think about all the stuff that is in there, and that despite your insurance - all the things that cannot be replaced. The photographs. All our photographs. The cedar chest that my great grandfather made. The stuff. All our stuff that composes our lives. The stuff we recently got. The stuff we picked up when we first set up household. Our lives. My DVD copy of THE CRIPPLED MASTERS.....how would I replace it? (joking, I KNOW the Easter Bunny would find me another copy. or santa. or whomever brought it.)

Then you adjust the squirming crying three year old in your arms and realize how true something we always say is. It's just stuff. The only thing that matters was with The Husband and I, wearing either Toy Story or Dinosaur jammies.

I realized they hadn't pulled hoses off the engine or the aerial. I realized that there was a guy SITTING in the aerial. They switched off the lights. These were good signs. The smell was ungodly, even from a distance. Eventually one of the guys in bunker gear came over and told us we could go back in, and offered to use the fan on OUR apartment is the smell was bad in there. We said we didn't think it was, but he said just to let him know.

I changed diapers and read a story while the husband went to check on the neighbors to see if they had someplace to stay or what. Lil Satchmo suggested a story before bed, so we had a quick one and then I went myself and stretched out in bed.

The husband ended up loaning the neighbor our microwave that was in the garage. Something shorted out or caught on fire in their kitchen, and their microwave was no more, plus he said their cabinets and stove were trashed. They had company with a baby. Not a fun visit for their friends, most likely.

This morning I rolled out of bed with a screaming headache. Booze? Stress? I dunno. But when my Mr. Coffee beeped to tell me it was done, Lil Satchmo said "Don't worry Mom, that is your coffee pot - not the fire alarm."

Yeah. I know. Thank God.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Ghost Dog - Way of the Second Life Samurai

I don't know if any of you ever saw the wonderful movie GHOST DOG - WAY OF THE SAMURAI . I love it although I don't think I ever met anyone besides my husband who has seen it. The Wikipedia lists the main character's relationship with the ice cream man as a running gag (they are friends who do not share a common language at all).

It isn't a gag. They are friends. At one point each of them says of the other "This man is my best friend" and it's quite touching. It's about making friends beyond language. About sensing purpose, and kindness and a kindred spirit in another spirit and bonding with that person because of it.

I have made such a friend.

I met a Japanese lady one day in Second Life when I did a call for models. Alice07 showed up and said "Sorry no English" but we muddled through. Since then, we have seen each other several times and she made a point to come the grand opening events to celebrate all our hard work getting the Vicious Studios reopened. I cannot tell you why, but she intrigues and delights me. I like Alice. And I don't know why.

See, Second Life isn't all Gorean B&D. It's just PARTIALLY Gorean B&D.
And if you are around this Sunday at 5am SLT she is having a party at her club - search SL for Pepermint Blue.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Pffffffffffffft To the Birthday Show

You know it's hard to talk smack about PBS Sprout because outside of SAGWA the most annoying show on the planet (SAGWA YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND! - I'll call you and sing into your answering machine to PROVE it people) it's pretty great little channel for the little people.

However, the have this thing called THE BIRTHDAY SHOW. And I'm a little bit pissed off because yesterday blogger was acting up but I HAD the link to prove what twits they are - it still said the times of day indicating that the birthday show would air during the GOOD NIGHT SHOW. Personally, the idea of making a birthday card and mailing it in for some dude on TV was neither here nor there to me. But to a four year old I knew TWO MONTHS AGO it was the best idea ever. Can we please, it was asked, make a birthday card to send in to the GOODNIGHT SHOW? We explained that there was a very good chance our card would not be shown etc etc etc but still, the little guy really wanted to do it, even if just for fun.

So art supplies were bought, a card was made, a card was mailed TWO MONTHS EARLY and then, when DDAY arrived the website was checked AGAIN (I cannot BELIEVE those mofos updated the site therefore disallowing my PROVING that we are not retarded) and the DVR was set.

We came home from the great birthday festivities.

No Birthday Show.

Seems the Birthday show is now only on the Sunny Side Up show. And possibly it always WAS but the web page SAID Good Night show.

So anyway.

We made this card.

Here it is.

PBS Sprout. You guys can suck it.

UPDATE by Frank:
They have now added all recent cards to their site. Go to birthdays, select September 29th - Lou's card is in the second row! Yeah! They suddenly suck a whole lot less.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Goon Squad Vs. The Wang

So this Sunday, the beloved home teams of Sarah of the Goon Squad and I here at the Wang will step onto the field of battle. Her team should be made short work of by my team, but just for fun we've decided this:
The loser will have to sacrifice their firstborn by the light of the moon.

Except that, we like our firstborns.

Instead, we've made a decision that whomever loses has to write a post extolling the virtues of the other. I like to think that she should get to writing, but just as soon as I get cocky the Colts will go and screw me over.

I should probably draft something just in case, eh?

Stranger In a Strange Land

I realize that I'm a Yankee. And that I'm not a Believer. So this makes me glow day glow green around these parts in the right situations. But you know I wasn't always a heathen. I used to have some religion and Beliefs in otherworldly things. So I don't consider myself completely out of touch with the ways of the Christian community.

I mean, I've heard some crazy stuff. Like my friend from eastern Kentucky whose parents wouldn't let her go to church with any of the neighbors in case they were secret snake handling Christians. And I recently reviewed (and did not choose) a pediatrician's website that was so chock full of the bible that it was disconcerting. But I never really felt the urge to gasp WTF at a little table of people I barely knew until I heard this conversation regarding a guy one of the girls has been dating.

"It's just not going to work out."

"Why not don't you like him?"

" Yeah I like him."

"Doesn't he have a good job?"

"Oh yes he has a great job."

" Is he funny?"

"He's great. So funny."

"Does he treat you well?"

"Oh he treats me great."

"Well what about his spirituality?"



I mean, I figure if you're a church going person you probably seek out other churchgoing people and that makes sense.

But I have never, in my life, heard a group of adult women rating a guy on his spirituality.

I bet if they new how spiritual I am, their heads would explode.

This is probably not the best sort of place to tell the story of how when I met my husband, it was when my food order came up to 6.66 and I leaned across the counter and said "My Lord Satan Told Me To Order That."