A Mommy Blog About Raising Men, Not Boys.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow

So tonight Sarah and Becky and I sat around Sarah's Mom's kitchen table and drank beers. We told stories, and laughed, and shared pictures, and laughed, and visited and tried to pretend like it wasn't the end of something. And although it isn't the END of anything, it's the end of this version of us, as friends. It's weird, isn't it? As kids you make friends based on who you like to play with. But as adults, it's hard to meet anyone that isn't "someone from work" so it was unusual to make such good friends - I wasn't planning to meet you guys. We met as we all three sat big bellied at Bamoms meetings, staring at each other wide eyed at the madness we were undertaking having these twin babies. Those babies are all 19 months old and Becky and Sarah are the best girlfriends I ever made as an adult. They are, in fact, the only girlfriends I ever made as an adult that I didn't meet at work. And even though we can still email every day and keep up I'm going to miss Sarah so very very much. I sat and cried my eyes out in my office when I got the email that it was official that she was leaving. Becky and I will have to each drink one more beer when we go out. That way it will be like Sarah is still here. And we'll have to swear more.....which won't be difficult for me at all. Bye Sarah........be safe. We'll miss you for always.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Feeding My Inner Fat Girl

Okay she's still pretty much outer Fat Girl as well..........but let's just say, that the punishment for eating like a hog for three days was visited on me last night. And all day. I've been enjoying the season, eating sweets and fatty foods and just not worrying about it. Then yesterday, I started feeling bad. Kind of achy, stomach crampy.
I went to the bathroom. Barfed. Felt a little better. Went to bed so Scott could help Santa. Got up a few hours later, barfed more. Went to bed, had the chills, and the aches and cramps. Got up, opened presents and stockings and had to run to the bathroom every 10 minutes as everything made it's exodus out the other end.
Took Immodium.
Took a nap (shivered, cramped but nothing nasty). Got up, felt better.
Sick more.

Blech. Considering I just had one of the best Christmases ever I am miserable.

Perhaps this is some sort of yin/yang balancing of the universe. I received many fantastic material things. So I must physically suffer........

Ugh. I can't wait to go back to bed.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

We took the Brute Squad to Disney (obvious from previous post) for a family vacation for five days, and to do all of the Disney Christmas stuff. It was extremely fun, actually. The freaking FREEZING cold weather plus all of the beautiful Disney decorations really put me into the Christmas spirit.
A few pics of us doing Disney stuff... Here Charlie checks out the lights at the Osborne FamilyLights at MGM (Just incredible if you've never been - I guarantee you have NEVER seen ANYTHING like this).

Miles is just hanging out at Epcot, enjoying the lovely fountain. And then here is Louis meeting a nice Goat. All in all, a great 5 Family Days together.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Christmas Wish

Here you see a little boy dreaming of everything he wants for Christmas......at the Happiest Place on Earth.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

File Me Under WTF?

I blatantly stole this off of Kristine's blog, but man......I found about 10 things on here that were just SO wrong I had to share.
And on the SKYDIVING picture.......if the chicks boobs are doing THAT....is the guys DICK MADE OF LEAD that it isn't doing the same or is this some photoshop trick?
I am fascinated by this whole thing.......ew.....and Grandma and Grandpa. Yuck.
Grandma and Grandpa are completely grossing me out. Ewwwwww.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Hey I know that Dude - Or how the Internet Makes the World Smaller

So I was on the internet reading email about my Liberian relatives who need my asistance, college girls whose daddies aren't home and really great mortgages when a friend of mine popped up online and started chatting. I was in sort of a bleh mood, kind of tired and overwhelmed and basically crabby when he started babbling about this LIZARD he likes. I was like "gee that's fascinating" and I guess to further FASCINATE me he pushes me this link to look at. I looked at this random lizard, I can't even believe I actually pulled up the page - it would be more like me NOT to pull it up and then go "oh yeah that's interesting" because that is the sort of asshole I can be. But I DID pull it up, and I was like "yeah blue lizard, whatever" when I noticed the caption. I said "hey, I think I know that dude" which was deemed unlikely by my friend.
What were the odds, after all, that someone a bajillion miles away would send me a link with a picture of someone I met since I've moved to Florida? It was even suggested that I wasn't "cool" enough to know someone like this.
Well guess what party people? I am cool enough. That link is indeed my friend and his lizard so there.
And the internet makes the world a little smaller........and a little CREEPIER!

Sunday, December 11, 2005

The Grown Up Boyfriends

My first real grown up boyfriend is the second Steve. I have to blog sensitively on this topic......because I still feel bad about the ways things fell apart between S2 and me. They were mostly my fault, or perhaps they were both of our faults but I didn't really act very nicely at the end. Steve and I were friends as part of a group that all hung out together and had gone to highschool together. Sometime I think we just started dating because we were the odd two out. But despite the "convenience" factor of us dating........Steve was nice. He was well read, had interest in art, movies, music etc. He didn't like to do all of the things I did - he preferred quiet things, more cultured things sometimes, but sometimes just more geeky intellectual things. But regardless he was fun to hang out with. And I think I loved him a lot. I'm not sure that I was ever IN love with him, though - which was a distinction I wasn't mature enough to make at the time. We dated for what seemed like a long time.......it was in fact probably a couple of years. Maybe as many as three. At one point we decided we were engaged.....that it only made sense to get married. No formal proposition took place, we just decided it was what we'd do after he graduated from Ball State. I started buying Brides magazines, picking out patterns and bridesmaid dresses secure in the knowledge that at some point in the future Steve and I would get married.
Things began to fall apart between us when I moved into an appt with Laura. My own independence began to be important to me. It didn't seem important to Steve - this independence I was craving. There were probably a lot more things wrong between us, but I still like him enough not to air them publicly. I think a lot can be said to the fact that I was just a jerk to him at the end. I broke up with him once......I don't remember why or how. But he launched a campaign to win me back, playing the "let's be friends" cards and I went with it for a while. Probably because I liked him and I DO like him. We went out one night to the SLIPPERY NOODLE and I had a couple of drinks and sobbed that I missed him and that I had planned my life with him ("Well I've been afraid of changing, 'cause I've built my life around you").......and we were back together, whammo.
We broke up again about 6 months later........maybe less. Because by that time I realized I wasn't in love with him and I wasn't going to meet anyone, and neither was he, if we kept on like this. I wasn't very nice to him and while I'll laugh about it and act like I'm "just that mean" in reality I've always felt quite bad. Steve is a good guy he deserves someone who is not a jerk like me. I was the wrong girl for him, and I still am. I hope he has found someone and just hasn't bothered to tell me, because he still hates me - which I deserve.
Kayo -
Kayo was only a boyfriend in the loosest of terms.......but one of my litmus for whether or not you fall under the "boyfriend" or "hook up" category is whether or not we actually had dates, which we did. Also - he used the L word on me, a lot. And I used it back. Kayo is his own entity and if you would like to meet him I will introduce you and then you will know why I'm still amused by him. I consider him a friend and always will, even if he's like the horniest boy I know. He's a good guy despite his faults, which are legion, but he has heart a big heart, and a good heart, even if he's running on a set of social morales that aren't quite the same as society's.
I won't even go into why we are friends and not anything else, I suppose it's because one of us wasn't nearly as in love as the other one thought. Or perhaps it's because we define love differently. But that's okay - I don't regret any of it, because if there had been no Kayo, I would have never met Scott.

And if I had never met Scott, my house would not be populated by three monkeys named Louis, Miles and Charlie. And I wouldn't trade those little toads for anything in the entire world.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

The College Boys

You know, the college boys weren't really that abundant. I didn't date much, I hung around with girl friends, went to parties and danced with a lot of guys but spent most of my time with my girls. I am not sorry about that, it was a lot of fun. As I reckon it, I actually only had two boyfriends during the years that fell under COLLEGE
  • Donn X - again, another X. He played Baseball for Indiana State University and apparently was pretty good because he talked to major league scouts pretty regularly. Maybe he ended up playing in the majors, I have no idea. I remember he spelled his first name with 2 NNs which was pretentious and annoying. He was mostly vain and prissy, terribly interested in his body (which was FINE) and how people looked. But he was sort of cool to a Freshman Co-Ed, he was playing Varsity Ball and was good looking. I don't even have a good memory of what he looked like except that he was good looking and everyone thought so. Donn and I started going out right after school started, dating through fall break and then we broke up right after the first of the year, so that was about 5 months of dating or so, maybe four. One of the most memorable things about Donn was not Donn himself, it was dance that he was SUPPOSED to go with to, but since we broke up my friend Tim went instead. (I had a much better time with Tim, I am sure!) But since I had talked Donn and his animal prowess up to all my sorority sisters (I had just pledged) they all assumed Tim was Donn and were giving him the KNOWING EYE. Tim eventually fashioned himself a sign that said "My name is not Donn" and wore it around all night. At the end of the night we made a "man" out of tinsel and foil decorations and hung the sign around it's neck. I have a picture of it somewhere. How did we break up? He quit calling, and quit returning calls. The most chicken-shit of all break up tactics.
  • One interlude - my one and only blind date. I don't even know his name. This annoying pseudo-friend who lived on the floor below me had her home town honey boyfriend coming in from Cornfield county and wanted me to double date with his "best friend" who was coming in. We met a Denny's. I have never in my life smelled a person who smelled like this. He looked like Napoleon Dynamite, only NOT AS GOOD LOOKING, and he smelled like ASS, FEET and ARMPITS. Oh god. We walked back to their hotel from Denny's, the girl and the boyfriend asked us to go get some sodas adn when we got back they had locked the door and were going at it. I ended up walking back to the dorm like four miles in the rain, because El Stinko asked if he could kiss me. Ummmmm, no.
  • Steve the First - Steve the first was a complete twit who worked at the pizza joint I worked with. (what is with all the TWITS I dated?) He was sort of ugly in a Steve Perry way but I was fascinated with him for reasons I don't understand. Then at some point in the time of dating, I figured out he was still dating this girl in HIGHSCHOOL, ewwww. He wouldn't break up with her........and well we never spoke again. I don't think we ever broke up, we just stopped short.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

All the Boys - PART Deux

After the tumultous middle school romances I went on to high school and tumultous high school romances. My first and many-time boyfriend in High School was the infamous

  • Simon The BIGGER. Simon was famous for his irreverant wit and his goofy sense of humor. Simon wasn't good looking by any conventional standards, but he had a charming smile and sparkling eyes that went with his personality. He also smelled like Finesse shampoo. Simon sent me a note while I was home sick with mono our freshman year. He had composed a silly poem in his BASIC class (remember BASIC?) and ended it with "WILL YOU GO WITH ME?" Simon would write me notes telling me how much he loved me every day, composing poetry of a dubious nature on 3 x 5 cards always extolling my beauty and how much he loved me. I think one of the best parts of being Simon's girlfriend was HOW MUCH his mother hated me. She caught us making out at a basketball game once and shrieked at him in front of everyone that we were "breaking school rules". Simon and I made out and held hands all the time, but despite his very amorous behavior he much more of a gentleman than my previous boyfriend........and I always thought that this meant that Simon really DID love me. And then....one day, it happened. Danica. The EVIL Danica showed up at Speech Team practice wearing Simon's Police Concert Buttons....buttons that could only have been gotten at the Synchronicity Tour Concert which only Simon went to.......NOT THE EVIL Danica. Danica was wearing Simon's buttons on her denim jacket. Buttons he had NEVER allowed me to wear, buttons he had STEADFASTLY refused to allow me to wear........and later that day there was another tearful scene in a bandroom, as Simon told me that he wanted to be friends and lied to me about the evil Danica. Later that day, to cheer me up, some of his friends told me that Simon had really been in love with me.........he had even considered joining the marching band to spend time with me.
  • Simon Blight - Simon 2 was clearly my Simon rebound. He was English and nice to me and pretty much a twit in most ways. He was older, had his own car and looked a lot older so he could buy booze...which was cool. However he was also possesive and annoying and although we dated for most of the year and the next summer....he got on my last nerves when he started talking about when we got married that I wasn't going to the hospital to have our babies, that I'd have them at home. I broke up with him after watching the Miss America pageant. I never really liked the Pageant but I watched it that night to get on his nerves. Then I told him I didn't want to date him anymore and he was the one who cried for a change. I felt sort of bad about that, because I probably didn't love him at all....or maybe I did but then he became annoying.
  • Clark Atkins - Clark Atkins was the older brother of one of my friends, Brian Atkins. He was in college when I was as Junior, and I can't for the life of me remember how we ran into each other to start dating. But his brother and I were always good friends, so it's possible that we ran into each other at their house when Clark was home from college. Clark and I went to the movies a lot when he was home, and he called me all the time running up a CRAZY phone bill that got him into a lot of trouble with his dad. Clark would send me boxes of presents and sent me the BIGGEST box of Valentines presents I've ever received. He agreed to go to Prom with me it was the coolest thing in the world. I bought a lovely pink dress to wear (as scene on Christa in her Promapalooza pic with Fred) and we went out to dinner at the Eagle's Nest at the Hyatt Regency and then we went to Prom and After prom, in the youthful glow of love. After Prom he drove me back to my house, dropped me off and said "Good night." walking away without so much as a kiss. He never returned another call or wrote another letter. I never knew what happened or why he broke up with me. I ran into him once in a Denny's three or four years later and he popped over to be all chummy. I blew him off so rudely "Did I make a mistake and ask you to sit here?" he left (did he deserve it? - YES!) Then I ran into him again at his brother's wedding in 1999 or 2000 in Kentucky. He was there with his wife and little boy and sat down at my table with a glazed "nostalgic lust" look on his face, leaned forward and said "You know I think about you all the time." Scott was sitting next to me, Clark has no idea how close he came to getting popped, but I don't think that Scott heard him.
  • Simon Big Simon - Simon made a brief return after Clark and the Prom incident, but once again decided that he'd rather be friends. I wasn't heart broken, but it was amusing how many people were "so happy" we wer back together again. I think it was about 3 months of back together, and then back apart again.
  • Mike Dahl - Mike is the mullethead in my Promapalooza photo. Mike was my boyfriend ever so briefly, we were friends who started "dating" when we went to Spring break together with a group. We dated through spring break and then a few weeks after, just long enough to confirm our date for prom. Then he promptly broke up with me but didn't understand why I didn't want to go to Prom with him. I went, but it was an annoying drag.
  • Back to Simon Big Simon AGAIN - I was older and far more bitter the last time around with Simon. And we were even more short lived. It was almost immediately after Prom if not before and we went to the Academic decathalon together. He was dating some other random girl but came over and started talking about getting back together. I demanded he go and break up with her RIGHT THEN, and then come back and tell me it was done. Then I took him to the library to spend quality time alone together. But I wasn't amused by him anymore and I thought he was sort of a twit at this point in time. The best part of being with Simon that LAST time around was hooking up in his evil mother's bed (of course shortly thereafter we found out she was quite sick, so that isn't a nice thing to say, but she was never nice to me regardless). I took great satisfaction in that.....being in the bed was better than being with Simon. I don't even remember how we broke up that last time, but I'm about 100% sure I didn't even care.

And that is the end of High School Boyfriends......................

Next Up - College

Monday, December 05, 2005

To All The Boys I've Loved Before........

I have decided that I will make a list of all of my failed relationships and how they ended. I am unsure WHY or HOW this came into my mind.....but I have been thinking about all the boys who came before a lot lately and wondered what happened to them? It's weird how at one point in your life someone can mean EVERYTHING and now suddenly you're like "man, who was that guy?" Let's start at the beginning. (for those of you counting, this only counts BOYFRIENDS not random dudes I hooked up with regardless of how frequently)
  • Greg Mead. Greg Mead was my boyfriend for a ridiculous amount of time, something like 5th through 7th grade. He lived way far out in the country but went to school with me and church with me. He was first chair Trombone, I was second chair trombone. Greg and I were allowed to walk downtown together. This sounds so quaint, but we actually used to go to this little soda fountain, get ice cream sodas and SHARE Them....we'd hold hands and talk about music and movies and books (the NARNIA books were the rage with our set.) "Greggy" was actually one of the first words my brother Matt could say as a baby, Greg was around a lot. One of the hijinks that WE used to think was BAAAD behavior was that we'd sneak chocolates into our band concerts, and when the other bands would play, we'd sit and eat them. And for some reason Greg was always the kid who snuck a centerfold onto the conductor's score...he was a funny kid. I didn't actually break up with Greg or vice versa....I just moved away. It's weird to think about it, because I don't think I actually ever told him goodbye. I remember the day my cat died, and Greg came running across the cafeteria to give me the biggest hug while I sobbed about it.......but I don't remember telling him goodbye on my last day of school. You would think I would have.
  • Scott X - I don't remember Scott X's last name. Wow, he was memorable. I met him when I was at Ball State for a weekend, I think with Job's Daughters. DeMolay were having their Conclave there that weekend and we had a mixer (for those non-masonic raised children, Job's Daughters and DeMolay are masonic organizations for your girls and boys). I was in 8th grade. He used to ride his bike all of the way to my house that summer (it was actually before 8th grade - the summer before). I just remember he'd show up all hot and sweaty and sort of gross. It was extremely sweet.....but still gross because he'd had to ride like 10 miles to get to my house from where he'd live. Our dates consisted of going to Taco Bell and going to Rax. I think I used to let him kiss me but he slobbered too much. He gave me a ring. It was a little gold ring (10k!) that I think he had pilfered out of his mothers jewelery box, it has three diamond chips on it. When I broke up with him he was really pissed off at me that I didn't have it ......I had lost it in what can only be described as my own mindlessness. I didn't actually ever break up with him.....I think I just stopped taking the calls when he called and then stopped calling him back. He showed up a few times all pissed off and wanting the ring. He actually showed up like TWO YEARS later demanding the ring, at one of my highschool marching band practices. The low brass guys about beat him down because he got into my face in front of them. Don't mess with low brass guys. They are usually big and mean.
  • John Bunte - John Bunte was my boyfriend for 8th grade. I actually went to some dance with him. He was my first horny boyfriend. I had previously probably HAD horny boyfriends but they were too shy or nervous or whatever to let me know what was up. John was not shy. John had an erection any time I was near him and he was INTO it.....which is sort of funny now that I think about it. It's possible John had had sex and I didn't know it, but I don't know. I know he was the first real penis I ever saw hard, and he was the first boy that I ever let see my boobs. I used to torture my girlfriends with tales of his giant penis, but in fact I can't really remember if it was giant. It SEEMED giant. But I suppose it probably wasn't. John and I went to a dance together, I wish I knew were the picture was, I think it was a sock hop or some such awful thing. John broke up with me one morning while I was putting my books away in my cubicle in the bandroom. He walked over and said "Hey I was thinking, we should break up and be friends, okay?" OKAY? OKAY? I showed you my boobs! I touched your disgusting man thing, MORE THAN ONCE! But alas, I stood with tears running down my face and said okay no problem and then was sad for the rest of the day. I was probably over it by the end of the day, I don't remember long term sadness........but I do remember standing at the cubicles where we kept our books, with my mascara running, and holding a red folder while he babbled on about how it would still be cool to be friends. I sort of always hated him in high school but was never sure why I didn't like him. I suppose it had a lot to do with that red folder incident.

coming soon........HIGH SCHOOL BOYFRIENDS.........including the incredible repeating SIMON WHOSE NAME SHALL NOT BE SPOKEN AT HIS REQUEST AS HE IS SHAMED BY HIS BAD BEHAVIOR........(okay not actually shamed but I think he was horrified at how good my memory was)

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Misbegotten Pecan Bars

Why does everything require an 8 X 8 pan now? CRAP! I had these pecan bars (like a pecan pie) only a bar thing that I was making to take to Kurt's for Louis and Lily's play date and DAGGONE IT it required a stupid pan I didn't have.
I have SUCCESSFULLY built a dam about of aluminum foil many a time though. I know how to bank up the crust against the foil.
My delicious treat ran all out one side while I had to run to the bathroom with Louis. I had been watching it carefully as there had been MINOR spillover but I had propped up the pan with foil so it leaned a bit to the good side. Alas.........there will be no treats taken to Lily's for our playdate. I cannot describe how sad it is to see the gooey sweet center all leaked over to the WRONG side of the pan.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

New Jeans.....and smaller too

So I think I've posted this at some point, but in case you were ignoring me, let me tell you about this clothes shopping issue I have. I have a love hate thing going on with clothes shopping. I love clothes, I hate them on me. I don't like to try things on, being a big fat person pretty much allowed me to just go in and buy the biggest thing they had and that really usually would work out just fine. Even if it WAS a little too big, let's face it who cares? Obviously that's some sad psychology, "I'm too fat to look good in clothes so I'll just buy big clothes but instead of doing something about it I'll just stay fat.....and thus the circle begins again." Well, I've had this JEAN problem for a couple of months. Well, longer than that. Almost since I bought them. I didn't try on my previous jeans, I just picked them up off the shelf at Wal-Mart, some 10.99 Faded Glory specials in whatever was biggest, I think they were like a 26, so I expected them to be a little big. But from the first time I put them on, they were weird. Like they were supposed to be "low riders" for big old fat girls or something. Some ill conceived notion, anyway. But what I disliked most about them was that every time I sat down they would slide down my ass, exposing my big ass and whatever ridiculous underwear I had on that day. Scott would say it looked like I had a LOAD in my pants. So we were shopping yesterday and I piped up "Hey, let's look for me some jeans, I need some new jeans." We went to Dillards and I picked up a pair of jeans in a 24, the biggest size. Scott says "Oh those are WAY too big, go smaller." So I picked up a 22......and he thought those were too big too but I really thought they would be okay but just in case I picked up a 20. In the dressing room, the 22s were HUGE. I couldn't believe it. So I put on the 20s. Slightly too big. Just slightly. Like, a few pounds more and an 18 would fit. But I was thinking wash/dry/shrink and these will fit perfectly. So I bought a pair of jeans in a 20. And despite the fact thatI STILL Had to buy them in the fat matron section......I think I look pretty feckin good in them........

Friday, November 25, 2005

Waiter, there's food under my butt!

It wasn't that I waited until I had my own children to ever take a child out of a high chair and clean them up. I had a little brother ten years younger than me. I baby-sat other people's children. Children make crazy messes.
But it seems that my very own Heckle and Jeckle have a special gift.
No matter how careful you are not to actually place any food there, they somehow both manage to get the majority of their dinners stuck under their butts. You might worry that they are digesting far too quickly and having massive diaper failure. Oh no, that's not it. They just put the food in their mouths, slobber it around a bit, then somehow it is teleported under their butts.
Just waiting for me to stand them up.
At Thanksgiving dinner Gabe told us that he's found chicken nuggets INSIDE Ian's diaper. How do they do this? What is this madness? I am sitting there, I am watching them. I feel certain either Gabe or Sarah is around for their twins eating as well. You'd think we'd NOTICE them stashing food in diapers or under their butts.
But no, this food just appears.
I feel that the Space Time Continuum may be involved.......and in that case, I can never understand it. (or disturb it!)

Thursday, November 17, 2005

On the Night Shift

So on Thursdays I have to work nights until the end of "Peak Season" (for those of you not in the catalog business, Peak Season is the time of you all you shoppers buy your christmas presents to mail to your far off relatives). It's sort of cool - because I got to sleep in this morning like I haven't done in a long time. It sort of sucks, because I get home at 10:30 at night and I feel like it's about 6pm. So the babies just went to bed and Lou and I are hanging out. I'm making some Slippery Noodle Cheese Fries and just trying to unwind as well as doing laundry to try to get ready for the next few days. For someone who usually has zero on their social calendar I'm completely booked the next few days. I'm looking forward to some fun family time over the next few days, though. I am hoping that working nights this one day a week does not send my sleep schedule into a spin, though. Because my ass has to be at work bright and early tomorrow I assure you.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Holiday Photos..........DONE

So we embarked on a new holiday tradition and went and had family portraits done for our christmas cards. Man, who would ever think it would be THAT hard to get three kids to ALL sit still, all look ahead and all smile? Geez Louise. I cannot post a picture, I must wait until after I have sent out all of the Christmas card versions and then I can post....which is killing me because I want to show everyone how freaking cute they are right now.
I look a bit odd in them, like I'm not plugged in or something. Like I'm smiling only because my medication is really good. Which is not true......I think I was just confused and not really ON when he snapped because the kids were wild. I'm also a little self conscious about my teeth, they're kind of ugly and I don't like to have a big toothy showing smile and I suppose that was probably part of the problem - me being self conscious.
Regardless, I shall check this off our list of things to do and say YIPPEE. I can't wait to show everyone!

Sunday, November 13, 2005

The Fat Situation

Recently Tyra Banks did a thing on her show where she put on a fat suit and went around living as a fat person for a day to find out what it was like. Wow, people were rude to her. While I appreciate the gesture - I actually did see her in an interview about it and she seems like a pretty genuine person who was really surprised at how she was treated, I've been thinking a lot about what it's like to be fat as I try to journey out of that land.
It really really really sucks.
There are double standards in place that I don't understand as well. Men can be fat, to a point, and it's okay, it's just a joke - they're "Fat Bastards" but somehow that also implies success and money, obviously they can afford to eat that way so they're successful. And black women seem to be immune.......there is this stereotype that black men like a "big woman" and honestly that does seem to be true from my own experience. Equally, I sort of find that even though Playboy models are the official accepted female body type in America, real human women who are overweight are okay with guys on some level.....but God don't let ANYONE find out that they slept with you.......I know that anytime a man starts telling me that Marilyn Monroe wore a 16 he's mine.
I think about my own experiences in being overweight and the cruelty I've experienced and that I've had to watch my friends experience (we fat girls run in packs you know). Mostly I don't care when stuff happens to me but sometimes it really gets to me. I think that one of the most humiliating personal experiences that ever happened actually happened more than once and it wasn't a person being cruel - it was that I couldn't fit into rides that I loved. The last year I lived in KY I found that suddenly I couldn't get into rides I have always loved at King's Island. The last time I went to Disney before I moved here I couldn't get into the Virtual Space Mountain ride. But were those wake up calls? No, my feelings were hurt, but nothing a coney dog piled high with cheese couldn't cure.
I've had someone yell "Get some Jenny Craig" at me from a passing car, and various other statements on diet plans or what a fat bitch I am. Yelling at fatties from a car is apparently a HOT activity. Clearly this must be some attempt to help me and not just the unmitigated cruelty it seems like.
I've actually had friends experience these situations:
  • Friend A called me once at 3am because a guy she had picked up at a bar had (once they got to her place) said he was going to the bathroom and then bailed. My own personal thought was that she had passed out a bit and he had just left bcse of that. But it was so sad listening to someone I love so much WAIL into the phone "Do you think he left because I was fat?" and then to have to comfort her as she sobbed inconsolably, certain her own flaws had made her undesireable.
  • Friend B showed up at my house unannounced at 11pm. She had been at a pretty wild party and had been about to engage in some sort of sex thing with several guys (willingly) when as she got naked one of them said "Hey check out the fat pussy" at which time she fled in shame to my house, another friend sobbing to me about their fat and questioning their own state of hideousness (friend B, like friend A, - NOT HIDEOUS at all).
  • Friend C was and is a REALLY big girl. I love her dearly, but let me just say, she's really really big. She has some health problem that she says cause it, but in fact she also has some health problems because of it. I wouldn't emphasize how really really big she is, except it's important to the tale, as I am also a big girl I want to emphasize that this girl makes me feel petite. Back in the day when we used to go out to the clubs, it was a mystery to many of us HOW she could snag so many guys. She could ALWAYS hook up. Initially we thought that she was just getting lucky and hitting guys who were into the really large women (so called Chubby Chasers) and so that was nice for her. But then one night were hanging out with some guys we had seen around before and that she had hooked up with a few times but she wasn't with us. One of them asked us where she was. We said she wasn't out with us and expected it to drop but then they started talking about how they'd have to "find another one". And then when questioned, they explained how they (and some men apparently?) always hawk for the fattest girl in a bar, buy her drinks, treat her like a princess and then take her home and fuck the shit out of her because a fat girl will be SO grateful she'll do anything you want. ANYTHING. Very nice.
  • Friend D emailed me for a list of rides that I couldn't get in to at King's Island (I had told these stories at work as a joke so that it wasn't so sad to me apparently) because she didn't want to have to be embarrassed when she got there. I sent her the list.

These aren't really tales of amusement, these are sad things that happened to me and people I care about and love. I think about them a lot as I'm exersizing, as I'm eating my fat free yogurt, as I'm standing in line at Weight Watchers to weigh in praying that giant dinner at Outback didn't add a pound after I worked so hard all week.

But what I think about most is how did all of us get here? I didn't start out fat. I wasn't a fat kid. I was a really skinny kid. I'm learning a lot on my journey to the other side. I feel like I'm in the Swamp with Yoda. I'm learning that "normal" people get hungry between meals. In my first Weight Watchers meeting the leader asked "What does it feel like when you get hungry" and my friend joked "I don't know, I don't let it get that far." But that was true. Fat people don't let it get that far. I didn't realize it. I never let myself get hungry. Now I'm hungry all the time between meals. But it feels sort of good. I'm not sick with low blood sugar as though I didn't eat enough, I'm just sort of hungry as in "Hey I'm incredibly fat, go see if Shannon has some candy in her office." and I feel proud when I don't go.

There are things about our mindset that have to change, we fat girls. We have to stop eating. Seriously, that sounds so simple, but it's NOT. I have a coffee break every morning with a friend. I used to eat breakfast and get some coffee on my way in (load up the cream and sugar please) and THEN have a coffee break at 9:30 again with loaded coffee and eat some sort of sweet. Now I just eat a fat free yogurt with water, and then at break we share a biscotti and I drink BLACK coffee. Is that big deal? No. But it nearly freaking killed me the first two weeks. But now it's routine.

Also we have to stop thinking of how we can fit in treats. Stop eating the fucking treats, fat girls. In the Weight Watchers Complete Food Companion there are 11 pages of COOKIE point conversions. 11 pages! Everytime I can't find a damn food in there I get completely bitter. I think that they should change 10 of those pages to REAL food information, and on the 11th page just put a note with big black letters "HEY FAT GIRLS QUIT EATING THE COOKIES. THIS IS WHY YOU ARE SO FAT."

I'm not disparaging my people, but we all need a good smack to wake up. Instead of trying to figure out that we can fit in 11 cookies into our points, maybe we should just have two, enjoy them and then stop. We really have to work out. We have to change. Our bodies are crying out to us. They give us bad backs, acid reflux and issues with our blood sugar as warnings, but we don't listen.

I'm not completely idealistic about what I'm going to look like in one year. In April 2004 I went over 300 pounds while pregnant with my twins and now I'm about 50+ pounds lighter than that. Which is still much fatter than I'd like to be. But the truth is I'm built on a pretty big frame. I won't ever be a 2 unless you dress my skeleton up post mortem, and that's okay with me. I'd like to wear a 14 or a 16. I'd just like to be able to buy SOME things at Victoria's Secret. I don't mind if I still MOSTLY have to shop at Lane Bryant, but I'd like to be able to occasionally buy some things somewhere else, and not in the Matron's Department. I hope my health improves and my energy level goes up. And I hope I'm happy.

But mostly, I hope people quit screaming rude things at me from passing cars.

Han Solo

It's a solo weekend for both Scott and me. He is solo, as in without any of us, for the first time in three years except his little stint in the hospital. He's at Epcot living La Vida Loca, or at least enjoying himself.
And the kids and I are hanging out, doing kids and mom stuff like baking cupcakes, playing hide and seek and Candyland and otherwise just being homebound but happy.
It's amazingly quiet here without two adults in the house.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Oh Ye of Little Faith -Promapalooza Teaser

Okay, did you really think I didn't have the STUFF to be a big 80s queen?
Did you REALLY?
This is Tim and me - looking extremely cool if I must say so.
I am currently unsure where my Promapalooza shot will be posted, it might be over on Sarah's page - I will you all know. I am going to have a new PC being set up and anticipate my internet access being down for a day or two.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Flat Panel-itis

A few months ago I went to Las Vegas. On the day I returned there was a GORGEOUS black 19 inch flat panel monitor on my desk. I was perplexed. Why was it there? That sort of serious hardware usually lived on the desks of the company ownership, not the call center director. I fell in love with it. Previously I had been very unconcerned about the shitty state of my monitor. It was old, the images were faded and hard to see no matter what you did, it was a piece of crap - not to put too fine a point on it. But it worked and hell, work is work, why do I need PRETTY graphics THERE?
But I knew it couldn't be right, so later in the day - long after I was deeply in love with it, I made the mistake of grabbing the Manager of MIS and asking him what was up with the awesome monitor. He told me that it had been requisitioned by me. Now I am not sure in what WORLD he lives that he actually thinks I can just turn in a request for a 19 inch flat panel monitor "just because" but man I should have done that years ago. (don't be fooled people, that request would NEVER be filled). So as we're talking my boss comes along and says to the MIS Manager "Hey where is my 19 inch flat panel?"
Crap. Crap crap crap.
SO off it went to my bosses office, where I could covet it in meetings and long for it's clear display and remarkable resolution.
But on the upside my MIS manager took pity on me and made sure that when they installed the first wave of flat panels in the regular offices and cubicles, that I got the first one. Which ruled.
So I have become a flat panel snob. I've secretly longed for one at home, but haven't brought it up. I am sitting on a 17 inch Gateway monitor that is very servicable.
However, due to crazy behavior on the part of my CPU we decided to invest in a new pc.
And while we were there........
well let's just say she's sitting in a box beside me. All 19 inches, flat and charming. Ready to play SIMS2 or any other game in stunning resolution and clarity.

I can hardly wait to fire her up.
Goodbye Gateway Monitor. You've been grand.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Homecoming 1985

That's right. I am COMPLETELY looking great in this photo. You don't even want to KNOW how many hot curlers it took to DO that mess.
While this isn't the crazy PROM photo I am hunting.....this is my only bona fide date with a football player. His name was Scott Johnson, he played Varsity Football and his locker was right next to my friend Tim's. I thought he was the coolest dude in the world - for about two weeks.
It was a lame retarded date. His friend ended up getting dumped by HIS date, so he ended up tagging along with us..........Thus ruining any chances for true love to develop.

I love you Baby

This is what it looks like, when you still go on dates, before your whole life is HAVE TO.
I love you baby, and I'm so glad that you are okay.
(This is us doing Beers Around the World at Epcot - circa 2000)


A short update......
Scott had his endoscopic procedure this morning. We are amazingly lucky so far......although he apparently has a crapload of ulcers (hey I got to see them on his chart when I signed him out, ulcers are very icky looking) from his esophagus, stomach and duodenum....this won't require surgery and he'll just have to take drugs and reduce is "bad for you" food intake.

I am relieved like you would not believe.

Despite the fact that we probably fight and bicker too much......when considering the loss of him I was terribly, terribly distraught last night and this morning.

I guess I'll keep him after all.

Halloween Cuties

Okay so I DID promise some Halloween Cuteness......I don't think I took a snap of our pumpkins, oh well, Maintenance will have taken them away by now I'm sure. They were extremely cute.
My Halloween Honeys were as follows......Louis chose his OWN costume, he wanted to be the "wicked witch from the ding dong song". That's right, he wanted to be the Wicked Witch of the West. Far be it for me to stifle his creativity. Charlie and Miles had to tolerate parental influence costumes for one more year. We picked costumes to match their personalities.....Charlie is the Devil, and Miles is and Angel. It might be a BIT of an exaggeration.....but it's pretty close to right!

Monday, October 31, 2005

All Hallows Eve

So as Louis and I sit here and slowly dismantle our Halloween Gingerbread House (just how many POINTS IS a house made of sugar and goodness?) I'm emotionally recovering from a serious and scary conversation.
Scott is having his endoscopy tomorrow and they do it under general anesthesia. That seems pretty severe to me. We don't know what will happen next. Is it his gall bladder? Is it something else?
So we sat down and went through the bills, what has to be paid when.
What to do if he isn't here.
Seriously, have you ever had that conversation? Like, cover all the things that the other person takes care of - in case tomorrow that person never comes home again?
It was surreal....here is when to pay this bill, these are the passwords, this is when they are due....here is what you need to know about all the things that you don't ever actually worry about.
Here is what to do if he dies.
If he dies.
Logistically, logically, and strategically - this is the plan.
If he dies.

If he were to die....I suppose it's now emcumbant upon me to actually keep my shit together and pay these bills.

So anyway, we had a fun family Halloween and now we plunge back into this health issue that could be very simple and happily taken care of, or could be terribly serious.

We find out tomorrow.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

The McNeals Do Halloween

One my favorite parts of being Bridgette and Scott has been that for the last 8 years, we have DONE the holidays. Even when we didn't have kids, we dyed eggs, carved pumpkins, hung garland....whatever the season called for. We love holidays. Halloween is no exception. Here are a few shots to show you how this year's celebration is shaping up!
First Lou and I decorated some Pumpkin shaped PEEPS!
And here is Charlie chilling out in front of our SPOOKY Halloween Playhouse!
And in case you doubted my status as a domestic goddess - check out the ROCKIN' Haunted Gingerbread House!
On tap for Halloween Night? Trick or Treating and making caramel apples!
I'll post shots of costumes, pumpkins and festivities tomorrow!

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Billy Blanks Understands That You are Fat and Lazy

So as a Mom and someone who works outside the home about a million hours a week, I am faced with a frustration that I suppose a lot of people have. I have no time. I have no time to do much of anything, and anything I do that isn't a chore seems like I'm wasting time.
But lately, I've started doing something very me-centric and I'm totally digging it. Simone at work loaned me Billy Blanks BOOT CAMP DVD.
Let me tell you something. Billy Blanks understands that you are fat and lazy.
While he's encouraging you to stick it out, do all the reps with him, it's almost like he's comforting you. Letting you know HE knows it's hard. That it's okay to get a drink if you need one. I mean seriously, this may be corny, but he's totally encouraging you. It's like he's saying "I know you are fat and lazy and that you don't want to be.....and this is going to be hard but It's OKAY."
And I think that's why I'm doing it almost every night, more than once if I have time. Right now it's after midnight and I'm sitting here drenched in sweat, completely happy. I was too worn out to do the whole DVD tonight because it's so late......but I did more sets than I have ever done in the calistenics section. It's weirdly satisfying.
It also is awesome for your frustrations........
I read somewhere that it is better to exercise either in the morning or at night but I forget which. I don't care, this is my free time so this will just have to be it.
I don't want to be a skinny person. I just want to be a less flabby person. That's really all I'm going for here.
I think Billy is showing me the way.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Did the Stones Give Him Stones?

So my hubby and I went to see the Rolling Stones on Weds the 19th. It was the 8 year anniversary of our first date. On that date, which was actually 3 days earlier than our original planned first date (to watch SOUTH PARK at the ALLEY CAT bar, which featured CHEESY POOFS served during the show), we went to my cousins Greek restaurant THE PARTHENON. He had called and asked if I'd like to go have lunch and mentioned he knew this Greek restaurant. I didn't bother to tell him that it was my cousins place. He apparently had run out and purchsed contacts for our date - the first time he had ever worn them, and was 45 minutes late to the date trying to get them in. Which I actually thought was really cute. He had on jeans that were worn in the crotch, sneakers that were worn on all sides, his BW3 workshirt and a Nautica overshirt. We had our first kiss outside on the sidewalk as we parted - he to work and me back home.
What a long strange ride it has been......
In other news, he bought the tickets to the Stones to celebrate our anniversary. When I got home from work that night, he was in a lot of stomach pain, he said it felt like really bad gas. We went to the Stones, but he couldn't enjoy the concert much because he was in so much pain.
Thursday I had to go home from work early because he was in so much pain.
Friday I had to come home again early but convinced him to go see Dr Kim who promptly sent him to the ER.
And they kept him.
So he's still there. They can't find anything wrong but apparently he's still in pain so they're doing the scope down the throat thing today to actually take a look and see what is up.
We've all been stranded here at home since he has the car, but Becky and Sarah and Leslie and other hordes from my work have been on standby to get us what we need or take us to get the car. Sarah brought over Miles antibiotic prescription last night and some staples - and a six pack. So we're set for another day. We'll have to go get the car and no mistake today if they keep him for surgery or something. But for now we hope they do the test and send him home.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Day Spa de Sade

So I popped over the the Day Spa after work with my friend Shannon. We were having some lovely pedicures when after a little wine we were convinced to allow them to paint crazy stuff on our big toes. I chose a floral design, Shannon got a diamond-firework sort of thing. It is sort of ghetto yet funny to me all the same. Not at all professional, but in all honesty tons of people at my work have this sort of ornamentation so it won't look OUT OF PLACE there.
But, the charming bit of my story is this. I needed to get my eyebrows done. Anyone who has ever been to a day spa run by Asians knows how hilarious and scolding that they can be.
While Shannon was getting her toes done, the guy doing her toes taps her toes and says "Who do this? WHO PAINT THIS MESS?" and she had to confess she had done it.
They have no fear of shaming you, they aren't worried about their tip let me tell you.
So I went to the waxing room for my eyebrows to be returned to a pre-werewolf state.
While in there, the lady TAPS my upper lip and says "You need this, you too hairy. I do lip too?" And I figured what the hell. I needed to Nair it, and a good waxing would last longer.......so I agreed.
Everything was gonig fine......until she smeared the wax UP MY NOSE.
She says "You need this done - too hairy."
Okay seriously, I did not have crazy hair growing out of my nose like an old man. It was fine. Just your normal woman nose hair like it should be.
She ripped that hair out just like it was my eyebrows or any other part. My eys watered, I sneezed, my nose ran - I think my ears bled.
Now I have to wonder, is the hair in my nose going to grow back in crazy?
Am I the only person on the earth that has ever had this done to them?

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

So THAT is what those are for!

This post is about menstruation. I say this up front, to warn off all the men who fear it and all it implies.....
I should start by saying, without being TOO graphic, that my entire life of menstruation has been one of intense pain and exceedingly heavy bleeding. Since I was about 11 years old or so, it hasn't been unusual for me to miss school, miss work etc because I'm nearly bleeding to death and I'm in so much pain I can't see straight, much less get out of bed. The invention of over the counter ibuprofen allowed me to get out of bed and function, but it still did nothing to lessen the need for a full size MATTRESS to be strapped into my underpants once a month for a week. As I got older, it increased to a tampon AND a mattress.
Having my period was an incredibly painful and uncomfortable thing..........for like 26 years.
Since I got this IUD I had one really long weird period and now I get these really annoying ANTIperiods. I need a pad for like, 10 minutes out of any day during my "cycle", maybe five minutes. So I'm all annoyed, walking around wearing my mattress and having it be - well, CLEAN most of the day, or I'm not wearing it and then BLAMMO my five minutes occurs and my underwear is stained.
I was grumbling about to to my husband, who hit me with an idea that I had never considered.
Why didn't I just buy minipads or something?

Minipads? What the hell? they DO make Minipads.....don't they? Hell I could probably wear a PANTI LINER! I've never, in 26 years of woman hood purchased anything that wasn't the slamma jamma wingdang monstro super pad. Anything else was an invitation to DISASTER.

I am intrigued by this new concept. Minipads.

My goodness, I'll feel DAINTY!

Adventures in Potty Training II

So we're at the Olive Garden when it's declared "I have to go to the restroom mom."
And I'm so proud, off we go to the restroom, find a nice big handicapped stall and we're set.
Except that he's been eating breadsticks and is COVERED with salt and butter on his hands. "Mommy I can't pull down my pants my hands all dirty!" So okay, I oblige and help a little guy out.
Then he scoots up to the toilet (pants around the ankle style) and he's just THAT Much too short, if you catch my meaning.
At which point he exclaims loudly "Mommy my hands are dirty, please hold my penis - the PEE IS COMING OUT!!!" I hesitated and got another "Hold my penis mom!"
I have a choice, help out or let him pee all over the floor and his pants. Man, there is nothing about this in "What to Expect When you are Expecting" I tell you. It has since been pointed out that I could have just picked him up.......but I panicked in the heat of the moment.

The second time he was a big boy and told me that he had to go AGAIN we couldn't go in to the Handicapped stall - someone was in there. I told him we'd just use a different one. He, however had different ideas. He walked up to the door and proclaimed loudly "I'm waiting my turn, mom."

Whomever was in the stall thought that was cute and called out "Oh that's sweet - I'll be right out."

It was a very potty training filled night, let me tell you.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry

Here is an idea. Don't bring your personal whacked out domestic fights to other people's birthday parties.
It's a problem for me on many levels. Not the least of which is this, I don't handle confrontations outside the workplace well at all. I get very nervous, and emotional - the point where I want to climb the walls and scream. I come from a family that doesn't fight. No confrontation is how we rolled. So I don't do it well, and I don't handle YOU doing it in front of me well. At all.
Our small birthday party was fine except for friend A who arrived out of sorts in a fight with his wife. Well thats fine, people fight.......but.....then SHE arrived and brought an entourage with her.
To my birthday party.

That's right. So now we've got a table of HER friends all glaring at our end of the table, as though it's somehow wrong for us to be there. At MY birthday party. And then the stilted, bullshit sweet conversation directed at me........as she glares at her husband. Why are they fighting? I have no idea...I have no idea why she chose to come. Our end of the table begins to mumble to itself a collective "Oh FUCK" because the tension between the two of them is like electricity.
My nerves immediately took a tumble. The shots I did to chill them out didn't help, so my end of the table began to formulate an exit strategy. We wanted to leave, but our friend, the husband of the fight, wanted to come.
This was clearly going to be an issue.
In what turned into a Jerry Springeresque scene of unreality, we left - the husband says he's coming. We went outside and waited. He kept not showing up. We tried to decide if he had been waylaid, should we get involved or just move on. I had to use the restroom finally so I said F it and went back in. Husband is paying his tab........is very mumbly about his intentions, wants to know where we're going. Frankly I wasn't driving but I was so completely buzzkilled I just wanted to go home. I left again and said goodbye to Sarah outside. Then we discuss where we are going, what we are doing etc and we see the wife scanning the parking lot, looking around. Clearly looking for us.
We are freaking out - why is she following us? WTF? We actually CONSIDERED hiding - I don't know why, I think it was a fight or flight instinct I swear. She finally corners us and wants to know where we're going all sweety sweety. I swear it was FREAKING ME OUT because she was so intense with the fake sweetness. I was just saying I wanted to go home (I freaking did want to go home, I was DONE) and Leslie is saying "get in the truck, just get in the truck).
As we got into the truck another friend showed up in the parking lot and the lot of us decided to escape together......as husband and wife were apparently going to converse in the parking lot.

So we went to another bar where I consumed a huge amount of alcohol in an unsuccessful attemp to destress.

I have spent today hung over and still completely stressed out by the whole thing.

I have an anniversary coming up in December. I should invite them over and see how they ruin THAT day.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

You Say It's Your Birthday?

John Lennon and I have a birthday today.
Except I am the only one getting older.
It's a drag to me (and I'm sure to the people who actually knew and loved him) that he isn't seeing 65 roll in. I was feeling a bit down about turning 37 tomorrow at 7:30am. I'm feeling sort of "rudderless" to use Xta's word. It's not that anything is wrong.......it's just that everything feels temporary here to me sometimes, and I'm not sure why.
And then I started thinking more about my birthday buddy John Lennon. On John Lennon's 37th birthday he only had three more years to live. He didn't know this, but we know it now. If I only had three more years to live, what would I want to fill them with? I think I must now stop embracing my depression at the wrinkles on my face and the sagging of my boobs and remember this.
I am fighting the melancholy that was all over me earlier today, making me dread my birthday party tonight with friends as a reminder of my own cruise toward the big 40. I think instead I will enjoy it despite myself.....
I just put the John Lennon IMAGINE license plate on my car, Florida just started issuing them. I think it's a nice sentiment to carry around on your car.

Steven Tyler knew what kind of day I was having this morning, though. When I rolled the car out of the garage he immediately started singing to me:
Every time I look in the mirror
All these lines in my face getting clearer
the past is gone.
It went by, like dusk to dawn.

No doubt brother, no doubt.

So, happy birthday John. We miss you. And happy birthday to me.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Koko's Nipple Fetish

Lest you all think me mad, here is the story about Koko's little Nipple Obsession.
The ladies who filed this suit should give a call to Robin Williams.
Yes Robin Williams THE COMEDIAN.
You see, in an unrelated incident he tells this story in his old stand up routine about meeting Koko. And how he thought it would be funny to lift up his shirt to show Koko that he was hairy like an ape.
And how Koko grabbed his nipples and wouldn't let go.
Koko has ISSUES.
This link keeps giving me fits......so if it won't click through for you, just GOOGLE APE NIPPLE FETISH.
It should pop right up for ye.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

The Food Chain

So I have some animal related things to discuss this evening.
First, I need to share this as I think I've never brought it up.
I hate Apes that Sign.
I friggin hate them. I don't like anything that blurs the line between the animal world and the human world. I like the missing link to stay missing. I don't want aminals to be more humanized. Now don't get me wrong, I don't HATE animals. I like them quite a bit. I have pets. And I love them. But I don't want animals to start communicating with me in distinct direct ways. I don't want Koko to ask me to pass her the remote control, as she'd rather watch Knots Landing reruns rather than Golden Girls. Koko has a nipple fetish, did you know this? And she asks her handles to let her squeeze their nipples. The idea that animals have fetishes and then would communicate them with me....well, that about sends me screaming from the planet. It's bad enough that dogs hump my leg on a rare occasion - I might lose my mind if they started telling me exactly what it is about my ass that inspired them TO hump my leg.
The line between the human world and the animal world blurred just a little more today in my own house, when I went to the vet to pick up anti-depressant anti-anxiety something or other for my cat. Let's just say it. I got my cat some damn Prozac.
My cat is nervous. Her bathroom habits have gotten lax to say the least.
So, she gets some Prozac.

If this doesn't help, there are other solutions, we can cage her and retrain her. We can give her away, we can put her down. The last two make me sad but now that I have children the line between the animal world and the human world is more deeply etched to me. And despite the fact that I have lived with her longer than anyone else in this house, I can't allow her to make my house dangerous for my children.

I'm just glad she can't sign.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Less of Me to Love

Okay sportsfans, I returned to Weight Watchers and WHOA!
I have lost 9 pounds since my last weigh-in.


Sunday, October 02, 2005

Wishes and Wants


  • I wish I had a cleaning lady to come in and do all the actual cleaning a time or two a month.
  • I wish I belonged to a gym, and went there to work out.
  • I wish I was 50 pounds lighter. This would not make me thin, it would make me less flabby but still a fat girl, let's face it.
  • I wish I spent less time on this feckin computer and more time with my kids (why am I still typing?)
  • I wish I had dates with my husband we had fun more often.


  • I want to go White Water Raftering, but on one of the wussy rivers, I don't ACTUALLY want to be in danger.
  • I want to go to church, but am too tired to get out of bed - I think God understands.
  • I want to read more and talk less.
  • I want to stay at the Venetian in Las Vegas.
  • I want to bleach my hair. But then I want it to magically stay blonde so I don't have to maintain it.
  • I want to buy a house this winter and have all my children's birthday parties in it next year.
  • I want to sleep in a bed with my mom like when I was little and scared.

Return from Pukefest 05

Apparently we are feeling better around here, as Louis found the energy to return to his new train table for most of today. It IS pretty cool!

Toe Nail Fiasco

It is very difficult to maintain basic beauty rituals in the midst of three small kids. Makeup, eyebrows, nails, toes, etc.....something has to give. You can't do it all. I've found ways to sneak some things in and keep them up, but other things I had to let go. Such as manicures. No reason to bother with a manicure. I've posted about it, manicures are a wash. I'm just trying to keep the nails short at this point. And non-jagged. I am still a big fan of the pedicure, though, and while I love to go and get them done, it's infinitely cheaper to only do that occasionally and do it myself.
Which is where the trouble started. I may have been playing SIMS2. I may have been watching the kids, I don't know, but like 2 freaking months ago I was buffing my toes when I OVERBUFFED my big toes. Oh my god. Basically, for those of you who are male this means I made my big toe nail TOO THIN. Way too thin, I buffed the top layers off. Oh god it hurt, and now my toe nails keep breaking off, ripping cracking etc etc etc. I know I have to wait it out.
I just tried to file them and the stupid things BEND when you try to file them.
No cute toes for a while.
I can't paint them as this will just draw attention to their crazy state.
It's annoying as hell.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Weird Stuff From My Day

Okay so a couple of random things from my day.
First - there is this dude that amuses me at the tollboth of the Veterans expressway near the Waters Exit. I call him the Hippie, but in fact he is just more of a stoner - I cannot confirm his hippie-ness or deny it. But I am confident he's been stoned in that toll booth on more than one occasion. Regardless, I always feel sort of silly and happy when I see him. He's a constant in the sea of change, and I like it when random fate sends me through his line. I don't like SWITCH lines or anything to go through his line, it's not LOVE or anything, it just amuses me. It's sort of familiarty or something.
I ran into him at WalMart (piss off all you anti-WalMart-ites, you have three kids and try to afford NOT to shop there). He didn't see or recognize me, but I saw him like a BEACON standing in the personal hygiene dept - looking at deodorant or some such mortal thing. He was wearing his toll booth operator Tropical Shirt. This was sort of annoying, I didn't really want the Hippie treading out of his booth into the world I inhabit - he needs to stay in his booth.
Almost like magic, I stopped seeing him on the Veterans. I would look around the booths, but no Hippie (I strive never to learn his name). I had begun to think he had vanished from the toll booth world, since I had seen him out in the REAL WORLD.
But today, on my way back from shopping, as I pulled up to my toll booth to pay...at the next toll booth to my left........THERE HE WAS!!!
I was so happy I almost giggled. How silly is that?
On another subject, I saw a mail order bride at the mall. This is the only way to describe what I saw. I saw this dorky fat dude with this chubby Asian woman he had clearly dressed up as some sort of cross between Betty Paige and Minnie Mouse. She was heavily bejeweled in a fashion that did not match her Minnie Mouse polka dot black dress. And while he was very attentive and buying her things etc, it was weird - it was like he was showing her off.
They were married because they had on matching rings, unless that's a new thing people do with hookers that I don't about. It was sort of surreal.

And I change about 10 poopie diapers today.
Don't envy me - yes my life IS this dreamlike!


So the boys are done with the puking and the fevers and now the illness is apparently leaving my precious ones in the form of liquid yellow poison........shot out their butts.

On to the BRAT diet we must go,

Apparently, this stops the yellow poison.
It's always worked in the past, so we must embrace it's wisdom.

Friday, September 30, 2005

Silly List Demanded From Sarah

Okay not that anyone cares........
1. Legal First name? Bridgette
2. Were you named after anyone? Nope.
3. Do you wish on stars? Sometimes, I usually hum that song from the Music Man if I do.
4. When did you last cry? I have no idea.......probably yesterday.
5. What is your favorite lunch meat? Sarah Lee Honey Ham
6. What is your birth date? 10/09/1968
7. Whats your most embarrassing CD? Ummm........Jon Secada.
8. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? I totally rock, of course.
9. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Does the Pope wear a funny hat?
10. What are your nicknames? Gidge
11. Would you bungee jump? Been there done that.
12. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Nope
13. Do you think that you are strong? yup
14. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Peanut Butter and Chocolate
15. Shoe Size? 9 1/2
16. Red or pink? Red or Pink WHAT?
17. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? My fat.
18. Who do you miss most? My grandpa.
19. What color pants and shoes are you wearing?Ugly purple shorts and barefoot.
20. What are you listening to right now? Theme from Thomas the Tank Engine
21. What did you eat for breakfast? Sausage biscuit from Steak and Shake at 4pm
22. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Raw Umber
23. What is the weather like right now? Africa Hot
24. Last person you talked to on the phone? My friend Tim.
25.The first things you notice about the opposite sex? Eyes.
26. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Quite
27. Favorite Drink? Beer beer beer.
28. Hair Color? Natural brown righ tnow.
29. Do you wear contacts? Sometimes
30. Favorite Food? Fettuccine alfredo with Chicken
31. Last Movie You Watched? HOME ON THE RANGE
32. Favorite Day Of The Year? I have no opinion.......maybe Christmas.
33. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings? Happy - the end of Sense and Sensibility is like the happiest thing I've ever seen.
34. Summer Or Winter? WINTER
35. Hugs OR Kisses? Both
36. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? Red Velvet Cake
37. Living Arrangements? Apartment
38. What Books Are You Reading? Reading? What is this reading you speak of?
39. What's On Your Mouse Pad? Aramark Support Center Info - from my old job.
40.What Did You Watch Last night on TV? Thomas the tank Engine.
41. Favorite Smells? Babies
42. Favorite junk food? Carmel popcorn or caramel anything.
43. Rolling Stones or Beatles? BEATLES
44. What's the farthest you've been from home? Germany.

Chuck E Cheese - Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter

You know, I really am not a Chuck E Cheese expert. So I sort of say that the chaos of the evening was NOT 100% my fault. First of all, I had never been except on a Tuesday or Wednesday night. I did not know that the portals of hell opened up on Thursdays to release demon spawn throughout the Chuck E Cheese universe.
Apparently, watching your children within the walls of Chuck E Cheese if a frowned upon parental activity.
But I digress.
Louis LOVES Chuck E Cheese. We had his second birthday party there last year just out of lack of ideas of where to go, and it went very nicely, the place was empty, we had pizzas, cake and ice cream and we went home with no mess to clean up.
So, we had originally planned to be in our own house this year by birthday time, and Louis had desperately wanted "a party in his own backyard". Since mommy and daddy BLEW that by not being able to AFFORD property in Tampa, we did what we felt was the next best thing, we booked Chuck E Cheese again.
From Louis's point of view, I think the evening rocked. Games, rides, pizza, kids to play with, presents.......seriously. He had a Thomas cake with an engine that went AROUND on the top of the cake. How COOL is that? But from a parenting point of view.......dear god. I kept freaking out while he was playing.....I'd lose sight of him for a second and then CRAP I'd nearly panic - WHERE IS HE? WHERE IS HE?
He climbed up in those DAMN tunnels and didn't come down forever which scared the hell out of me.....was someone hurting him up there? Was he stuck? Eventually down he came smiling and laughing.
I think the noise in the place was a little overwhelming too......how can ANY PLACE be THAT LOUD?
But after we said our goodbyes (Ian and Claudia had to leave early because those sweet babies go to bed early, and Andy left soon after - Louis was very happy to see all of them though) we packed up the car, gave Lily our tickets because we were NOT going to stand in that big line to get a plastic crappy toy and we went home. (run on sentence I know).
About 20 minutes after we got home........Miles started puking his guts out. Chocolate cake, chocolate ice cream and milk...........all over my beige carpet. Two hours later, Louis started puking. He started out by puking all over me in bed. Two hours later.....(right on cue) Charlie started up. I've never been so happy to see anyone get the dry heaves as I was when these kids ran out of junk to puke up.
So today we've languished in bed....plagued by 102 fevers, post puke yucky feelings.
Mommy is washing all of the bedding as everything we own was puked on at some point in the night, including all pillows and blankets. And towels. ALL towels were used in the war on puke.
I had to burn a vacation day from work to take the day off.
Tomorrow I was supposed to do the race for the cure.
I am not thinking that will work out.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

With Regards to Dr Zaritsky

Doctor Zaritsky, I love you.
You performed two root canals on me today.
Over five years ago I had a root canal done. I thought I was in MARATHON MAN by the time it was done. It was like the tortures of the damned. It was like some sort of cruel joke, that wasn't funny to anyone (except the dentist in Little Shop Of Horrors). And throughout it all, on the radio I had to listen to the coke-head DJ boyfriend of my roommate Jeff on a lame-ass oldies station (more torture).
So today, I went to see Doctor Zaritsky down in South Tampa. It's quite a drive from my house, really. I went with tears in my eyes, to such an extent that someone I work with offered to go with me and hold my hand (name withheld to protect the innocent). I declined and was determined to be a big girl about it.....he had assured me that the technology had improved vastly over the years and it would take approximately 20 minutes per tooth.
And although I think I trembled so hard I about went bonkers while in the chair I HAVE to admit it.
It was fine.
No worse than getting a deep filling.......I didn't feel anything, no extra shots of novacaine were required (previously, MULTIPLE shots of novacaine KEPT having to be administered and they kept NOT WORKING).
He was awesome, kept telling me what he was doing - let me know how far along he was "We're halfway done, I'm done drilling" etc...which was reassuring.
And now, It's about 5 hours later and DUDE I feel fine. I took a couple of Tylenol and I am really okay.
Last time, I swear my mom had to come all day and I missed work.
I love progress in medicine.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

More Things About Me

I keep looking at Sarah and Becky's Lists.
They have better lists than I do, and everyone is overly concerned about the food from the ground thing.
Okay, so here are some more things about me that you may or may not know......
  • I lied, I CAN carry a tune. I can also sing the alto line of most of Mozart's Requiem.
  • I have had two boyfriends named Simon.
  • I always have gotten a lot worse press than my behavior actually warranted - Ray Lewis I feel your pain.....
  • Most people think I am mean. My husband thinks I am meaner than probably anyone else he knows. Perhaps I am meanest to him.
  • I once slept with someone who sat next to me in band in college, because they leaned over and said "you smell like soap- like pink soap." Nothing in my life had ever made me feel so girly.
  • I have always regretted the way I broke up with my previous engagement.
  • I am tired all the time.
  • My favorite book is Cat's Eye by Margaret Atwood. I am Elaine. If you ever really want to know me, just read the book.
  • I can never be myself when I am at work because no matter what I'm the boss and that annoys me. I like a lot of the people there and would really like to be friends. But I am not paid to be anyone's friend.
  • If I had not met Sarah and Becky I might be a stark raving lunatic by now.
  • My grandfather was mayor of the small town I grew up in. That's like being bizzaro world royalty. Everyone knows your business, and is judgmental about everything you do. It sucks.
  • We used to camp at Fort Desoto every year before we moved here. Since we moved here we never camp.
  • I like tornadoes better than Hurricanes.
  • If I were younger I would have a crapload more kids.
  • I let my kids eat candy.
  • I am definitely a Post 9/11 consumer - the "eat drink and be merry for tomorrow we may die" sort.
  • I hope that someday people think that I am a nice person and not a mean person - but I don't know if it's actually IN me to be nice. Successful people are rarely nice.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

I am terribly melancholy lately....BUSH understands (the group not the Prez)

Letting the Cables Sleep
You in the dark
You in the pain
You on the run
Living a hell
Living your ghost
Living your end
Never seem to get in the place that I belong
Don't wanna lose the time Lose the time to come
Whatever you say it's alright Whatever you do it's all good Whatever you say it's alright
Silence is not the way
We need to talk about it If heaven is on the way If heaven is on the way
You in the sea
On a decline
Breaking the waves
Watching the lights go down
Letting the cables sleep
Whatever you say it's alright Whatever you do it's all good Whatever you say it's alright
Silence is not the way
We need to talk about it If heaven is on the way
We'll wrap the world around it If heaven is on the way If heaven is on the way
I'm a stranger in this town
I'm a stranger in this town
If heaven is on the way If heaven is on the way
I'm a stranger in this town
I'm a stranger in this town

I love my Job

So have I ever mentioned how much I love my job? I really do. I think it's because I like to be in charge and tell people what to do. I do a lot of different things, at my place of business but mostly, I just tell people what to do. It's kind of like being a general. You don't ACTUALLY do the work a lot of the time, and it bites you in the ass a LOT when you count on the other people to do things because they fuck it up don't do it right.....but still.
I love my job.
A lot of what I do is assessment and reaction. "What is going on here?" and then "Let's do X to fix it".
Pretty cool job, eh? I feel bad for my boss though, his job seems to be to run through mine fields left by his employees.
I swear, I don't MEAN to drop mines around ........

Things About Me

Sarah and Becky made their big lists. I think that I cannot make such a big list because I do not spend that much TIME Thinking about me, truthfully. This is not because I am some sort of humble saint - rather it is because in most things I am sadly inattentive to details.

But anyway - my list looks something like this:

  • I was born a poor black sharecropper - okay that's a joke, I was born in Terre Haute Indiana.
  • I am the oldest of three.
  • There are 10 years between all kids in my family, 36,26 and 16 are our ages.
  • I am incredibly depressed about turning 37. I thought 30 was bad, but didn't care about the ages in between. Now I'm filled with dread....
  • I have been to Iceland, Luxembourg, Germany, Austria, France Canada, and Italy
  • In the US I've been to IN, KY, TN, GA, NC, SC, MA, NJ, FL, NV, UT, WA, PA, OH, MI, IL, MN, WI- I think that this is all.
  • I do not like to eat food that was grown in the ground. I find this to be a problem, since all food is grown in the ground. My solution is to eat only processed foods that have all essence of the earth removed from them.
  • I do not like to eat foods that are all mixed up in anyway - I like ingredients to be separate and identifiable (yes I have issues).
  • I have been bungee jumping (it was a bungee swing - same idea except they LAUNCHED us)
  • I have been in love twice.
  • I mostly don't pay attention to anything, and I can't explain to you why.
  • I make decisions very quicky, and don't waver on them - I trust my instincts.
  • I believe that I am addicted to coffee.
  • Even though I pretend that I don't care, it always hurts my feelings when people don't like me.
  • I hold grudges. For years. Ask Jimmy Martin.
  • I never really wanted children until a doctor told me I couldn't have any.
  • My girl names I had picked out where Margaret Anne and Olivia Suzanne.
  • I thought labor was a breeze, I did however have drugs.
  • I love gangster movies but never get to watch them anymore because I have children.
  • I do not let my children watch any television that isn't educational or children's programming. I never let my children watch any sort of violence, not even the news.
  • I believe Baby Einstein products to be bullshit yet I still own them and make my kids watch them - it never hurt ANYONE to hear some Bach. OR Beck - but that's a different post.
  • I always thought twins were cool, I can't believe I produced some.
  • Twins do not actually run in my family, but there is some history of females in the family "losing" twins - which was probably common in the past. So I suppose that they DO run in the family. Just no living twins.
  • I didn't use birth control for the first 6 years of my relationship with Scott.
  • The only two times I became pregnant were nights that we ate Sushi.
  • I resent the fact that even if I lost 100 pounds I will still have this big ass FRAME for a body. I can never be petite.
  • I dislike nearly every aspect of my body and face, it's not self hate so much as I wish it were put together differently. My face specifically. I would spend a fortune on plastic surgery, but I'm too scared of surgery.
  • I love my children fiercely and find them to be beautiful. No matter what else happens in my life, my children are the center of my universe.
  • I do not like to gamble.
  • I hate clothes shopping and do not try on clothes, I just buy the biggest one they have and let it be baggy.
  • I burst into flame if I spend too long in the sun.
  • I love to read, but haven't read anything in over a year.
  • I miss my friends as much as I miss my family, it is hard to live 1000 miles away from everyone who knows and loves you.
  • I cry all the time since I had kids. Commercials, songs, etc. It's crazy. I cry driving to work and I cry coming home - every day because of some song on the radio.
  • I think two of the most sentimental songs I know are BLACK by Pearl Jam and LETTING THE CABLES SLEEP by Bush.
  • I like country music, and acid metal. And Jazz. I like all forms of music.
  • I cannot carry a tune but sing all the time in the car like a rock star.
  • I always wanted to sing like Cass Elliot and was very annoyed in college to be made to sing soprano in choir.
  • I can bake but not cook.
  • I cannot sew, but wish I could knit.
  • I am not crafty, and do not make crafty things.

Friday, September 16, 2005

What Happens in Vegas....Stays In Vegas

So I went to Vegas on Business with Kurt Corning who is the Supervisor of Internet where I work. He's far cooler than I - as you can see. This is an ugly big nosed showgirl (who was as wide as one of my thighs) that we met in Harrahs. The lady at Harrah's suggested we use this for our Christmas Card.
I believe this would be difficult to explain to our spouses.....

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Slippery Noodle Cheese Fries

So It's less than 12 hours before I fly away to Las Vegas for three days on business. I am preparing to watch the second half of the Colts Game which should REALLY annoy my offspring as they already had an afternoon full of Bucs football. Miles has fussed and cried about everything since we came home from Sarah's. I halfway think he just liked having other little kids around. Regardless nothing seems to make him happy so I ended up just giving him some darn Tylenol. Who knows maybe something hurts.
My dinner effort this evening was completely HEAT AND SERVE as I am feeling very unambitious. I still need to pack. But what did accomplish is to make a very respectable replica of the Cheese Fries one can get at the The Slippery Noodle up in Indy, which is a blues bar and extra cool joint. I really miss the Noodle. There were many nights that it was the starting off point, or ending up point for us going out back in my single girl days. Sometimes it was both.
Once my girlfriend and I called my THEN boyfriend to come get us, that we were too hammered to drive home. By the time he got to the Noodle we were making out with other guys. He was not amused. Oh well, he's an Ex for a reason.
Anyway, they made these Cheese Fries there. They were not good. There were just OreIda crinkle cut fries, deep fried and had some shredded cheese melted on them by a microwave. But man, there were days that it was some of the best food I'd had that day.
I truly miss the Noodle.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Football Brownie Adventure

So I told Sarah that I was being used by Martha Stewart to create a football shaped dessert for her Bucs football cookout tomorrow. Martha Stewart has sent out this evil spell and has caused me to bake. Damn you Martha! Martha often forces me into baking situations through her powers.
First we had to find the recipe - which I found easily on Betty Crocker.
Then, I had to make it.
With Louis' fine help stirring I think we found our way.
I had to improvise on the cookie cutter I think an Easter Egg was a good sub!
First you are supposed to cook it in a pan lined with aluminum foil and then take them out of the pan - as so.

Next came the cutting - which was a little tricky as even though I made the "dense" brownie recipe it was still very thick.

But I think that all in all.......they SORT of look like footballs! Sarah you better eat some!

Friday, September 09, 2005

Adventures in Potty Training - Continued

So Louis has made a lot of progress. I really do have to say that there is SOMETHING to be said for waiting until they are very communicative before you start. It's so much easier since we can TALK about this....we can say what we want and he can say what he wants so it's nice.
However, all this talking proves to be to be my undoing a lot of the time.
First of all, there are the "Abidents"
"Sorry Mommy, I peed in my pants, it was an Abident. Abidents Happen."
Then there all the reasons WHY he peed his pants. "Mommy, I peed my pants because I was playing with the babies. " "Mommy, I was watching Blues Clues and I peed my pants."
All of these things belong to the Category of "Abidents" in his world, which is a riot.
In addition to this, because his father told him it's against the law for him not to be potty trained before his 3rd birthday and that he cannot have a Chuck E Cheese party if he doesn't always use the toilet he asks after each successful toilet trip "Is Chuck E Cheese open? Is it my birthday?"
Tonight however may have been one of my favorites.......as we were all eating dinner he says "Mom, the spaghetti sauce made me pee my pants."

He almost made me pee mine.

Miles Conks Out - And a HAIRCUT!!

So Miles couldn't take it any longer - this waiting for bed. He chose to conk out on the pillows in the living room. The pillows are there for Charlie who is famous for leaping head first out of that chair.

In other news, if you weren't aware, I had really long hair. REALLY long hair. Long enough that I cut ten inches off of it and donated it to Locks of Love.......and STILL HAD THIS MUCH LEFT! It's HARD to take you own picture!

I had beent old that the salon I was going to was sort of ritzy and snotty. I suppose that having been accustomed to going to David's for all those years I have a different view of what a fancy salon is. I didn't think it was ritzy or snotty at all. But I did think it was very nice and quite functional......I even let a girl cut my hair which is a first like, for this millenium.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Train Obsession - Gone Too Far

This evening after a very fruitful time sitting on the pot Louis looks into the toilet and said "Mom, I made two poops. Where is the other one?"
I told him I didn't know, maybe it went on down the pipe.
And he says "Maybe it coupled up with the other poop."

Yes Yes. Maybe it is on it's way to Sodor now. I'm sure Sir Topham Hat will make Good Use of it.

And if you are interested, the potty training thing is going fine but HOW THE HELL are you supposed to wipe another persons ass when they are in a standing position? Good grief.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Things to To Do.....While Waiting

I have discovered that there are a myriad of things that can be done while waiting for Louis to use the toilet.
I can use my MaryKAY microdermabrasion kit.
I can take of toe nail polish.
I can file my nails - finger or toe.
I can consider haircuts that would require no maintenance

I can read Time Magazine.

I can use Nair on my upper lip.

I may just get some Crest White Strips..........that would really help pass the time.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Ancient Chinese Secret, huh?

Okay, so here is the deal.
I'm behind on Laundry.
I am WAY behind on Laundry.
At this point, what I get done I consider maintenance laundry.
Sheets, underwear, socks, a few things that fit everyone for everyone to wear.

See, I got behind.......oh, some time back in the 90s. I think that was it. I can't ACTUALLY remember being caught up since then. When I worked on the phones at Lane Bryant Catalog I worked like 10-12 hours a day sometimes, I didn't have time to do laundry. We had a convenient company store where you could just buy clothes. Sometimes I did that. I did a lot of that. Toss the dirty clothes in the closet and wear the new clothes you picked up at work today.

Then I would move apartments & I'd always move some dirty laundry. I just couldn't get to getting it ALL washed before I moved.

Then each time I moved I'd move MORE dirty laundry. It wasn't the same dirty laundry (theoretically), but there was more of it.

When I moved here, I moved 25 bags of clothes of dubious cleanliness. I am certain that I moved clean clothes in those bags, but by the time we got here I forgot which were which and then had to declare them all dirty. And start washing them. Occasionally.

Now, laundry in my home is at critical mass. I estimate I am 25 loads of laundry behind. I am doing three today. Three non-maintenance loads.

22 to go.........

Madness, I tell you. My life is disorganized madness.

Songs Not to Sing at School

So last night after one of my potty training adventures, Louis and I were headed to the bedroom for a night time diaper and some jammies. Louis is naked and as always, grabbing his boy bits. As we made our way to the bedroom he walks behing me singing
"oompa loompa doopity doo I've got another penis for you!"

I was very proud of my self for not screaming with laughter. I just ignored him and so he stopped since I wasn't interested.

But I thought it was funny.

People in Singapore LOVE ME!

I totally rule there!
Check out my NeoCounter if you need proof!

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Louis Armstrong And Yoda - Been Tight for Years!

My oldest was named after Louis Armstrong. My husband spends every opportunity to show him pictures of Louis Armstrong, let him listen to Louis Armstrong - point out when something is about him, or by him etc. We almost always stay at the ALL STAR MUSIC resort at Disney because of the lovely pics of Louis Armstrong and other Jazz Artists in the lobby.
Today CNN trotted out Wynton Marsalis to talk about New Orleans in the wake of Katrina (we are trotting out everyone famous who ever was from there, went there, had a friend who visited once etc - apparently) but regardless the conversation turned to Louis Armstrong and a video of Old Satchmo started being shown.
Louis runs up to the screen and says "Louie Armstrong? Louie ARMSTRONG? Mommy that guy said Louie Armstrong! I know Louis Armstrong!"
So I said "Oh you do?"
And he says "Yeah Mommy, he's in Star Wars, he's with Yoda he's got that Lightsaber and fights those bad guys."

I may never stop laughing.

Monday, August 29, 2005

I don't want to get off on a rant here.........but

  • Does Raspberry Ice Crystal Lite stain? GOD YES IT DOES. OH MY GOD. I dropped a cup off the side of the computer desk and WHAMMO we just bought this carpet.
  • Ask me how awesome my son looks wearing the Barbie Magic Pegasus Dream (or whatever it is) necklace that came with his happy meal. Truly great. He should wear it while he serves tea. I asked for a BOY TOY you twits.
  • I just got done playing almost every game we own with Louis. The fact that I am now requiring him to somewhat follow the rules seems to make them less appealing. Previously we were just trying to teach to take turns. Now I make him roll the dice or whatever and move the appropriate spaces. This seems to annoy him. The best part of playing games with dice is that when he rolls he says "Baby needs a new pair of shoes" which apparently his father taught him. It's a scream. This evening we played CANDYLAND, THE THOMAS TUNNELS AND TRESTLES GAME, and THE DISNEYLAND MONORAIL GAME. I am brain dead.
  • I have learned that passing a stone is NOT like giving birth, but still hurts in it's own very special hideous way.
  • And in other comments, what the hell is wrong with people that they JUST decided to leave New Orleans on Sunday? Has everyone not known that the hurricane was coming for a week? I mean, people, I knew the hurricane was coming. Been watching it for OVER a week praying it didn't make an easterly turn and wipe out Tampa Bay. I understand, people are poor, people don't have cars but CHRIST everyone knows someone. Even street people know someone. You wouldn't get groceries if you didn't know someone, right? Even the meals on wheels lady is someone. Call someone, get help. No one should have been in that town when that thing hit. It's annoying and retarded. I suppose in a very cruel fashion it's Social Darwinism at work, wiping out the weak, the poor and those without the mental faculty to direct them OUT of harms way. Seems like it just shouldn't happen here.