To All The Boys I've Loved Before........

I have decided that I will make a list of all of my failed relationships and how they ended. I am unsure WHY or HOW this came into my mind.....but I have been thinking about all the boys who came before a lot lately and wondered what happened to them? It's weird how at one point in your life someone can mean EVERYTHING and now suddenly you're like "man, who was that guy?" Let's start at the beginning. (for those of you counting, this only counts BOYFRIENDS not random dudes I hooked up with regardless of how frequently)

• Greg Mead. Greg Mead was my boyfriend for a ridiculous amount of time, something like 5th through 7th grade. He lived way far out in the country but went to school with me and church with me. He was first chair Trombone, I was second chair trombone. Greg and I were allowed to walk downtown together. This sounds so quaint, but we actually used to go to this little soda fountain, get ice cream sodas and SHARE Them....we'd hold hands and talk about music and movies and books (the NARNIA books were the rage with our set.) "Greggy" was actually one of the first words my brother Matt could say as a baby, Greg was around a lot. One of the hijinks that WE used to think was BAAAD behavior was that we'd sneak chocolates into our band concerts, and when the other bands would play, we'd sit and eat them. And for some reason Greg was always the kid who snuck a centerfold onto the conductor's score...he was a funny kid. I didn't actually break up with Greg or vice versa....I just moved away. It's weird to think about it, because I don't think I actually ever told him goodbye. I remember the day my cat died, and Greg came running across the cafeteria to give me the biggest hug while I sobbed about it.......but I don't remember telling him goodbye on my last day of school. You would think I would have.
• Scott X - I don't remember Scott X's last name. Wow, he was memorable. I met him when I was at Ball State for a weekend, I think with Job's Daughters. DeMolay were having their Conclave there that weekend and we had a mixer (for those non-masonic raised children, Job's Daughters and DeMolay are masonic organizations for your girls and boys). I was in 8th grade. He used to ride his bike all of the way to my house that summer (it was actually before 8th grade - the summer before). I just remember he'd show up all hot and sweaty and sort of gross. It was extremely sweet.....but still gross because he'd had to ride like 10 miles to get to my house from where he'd live. Our dates consisted of going to Taco Bell and going to Rax. I think I used to let him kiss me but he slobbered too much. He gave me a ring. It was a little gold ring (10k!) that I think he had pilfered out of his mothers jewelery box, it has three diamond chips on it. When I broke up with him he was really pissed off at me that I didn't have it ......I had lost it in what can only be described as my own mindlessness. I didn't actually ever break up with him.....I think I just stopped taking the calls when he called and then stopped calling him back. He showed up a few times all pissed off and wanting the ring. He actually showed up like TWO YEARS later demanding the ring, at one of my highschool marching band practices. The low brass guys about beat him down because he got into my face in front of them. Don't mess with low brass guys. They are usually big and mean.
• John Bunte - John Bunte was my boyfriend for 8th grade. I actually went to some dance with him. He was my first horny boyfriend. I had previously probably HAD horny boyfriends but they were too shy or nervous or whatever to let me know what was up. John was not shy. John had an erection any time I was near him and he was INTO it.....which is sort of funny now that I think about it. It's possible John had had sex and I didn't know it, but I don't know. I know he was the first real penis I ever saw hard, and he was the first boy that I ever let see my boobs. I used to torture my girlfriends with tales of his giant penis, but in fact I can't really remember if it was giant. It SEEMED giant. But I suppose it probably wasn't. John and I went to a dance together, I wish I knew were the picture was, I think it was a sock hop or some such awful thing. John broke up with me one morning while I was putting my books away in my cubicle in the bandroom. He walked over and said "Hey I was thinking, we should break up and be friends, okay?" OKAY? OKAY? I showed you my boobs! I touched your disgusting man thing, MORE THAN ONCE! But alas, I stood with tears running down my face and said okay no problem and then was sad for the rest of the day. I was probably over it by the end of the day, I don't remember long term sadness........but I do remember standing at the cubicles where we kept our books, with my mascara running, and holding a red folder while he babbled on about how it would still be cool to be friends. I sort of always hated him in high school but was never sure why I didn't like him. I suppose it had a lot to do with that red folder incident.

coming soon........HIGH SCHOOL BOYFRIENDS.........including the incredible repeating SIMON WHOSE NAME SHALL NOT BE SPOKEN AT HIS REQUEST AS HE IS SHAMED BY HIS BAD BEHAVIOR........(okay not actually shamed but I think he was horrified at how good my memory was)