Sunday, July 27, 2014
I've been a ball of stress all weekend and I don't know why. Delayed reaction to Chuck's death? PMS. General stress over life with four kids and a tight budget? I don't know. But despite the fun of the pizza making it was peppered with STOP IT! DON'T DO THAT! Don't EAT THAT! Don't do that! Stop eating so many pepperoni.
The point being, they are having fun despite me and I wasn't a cool fun mom last night. I was stressed out and annoying.
Charlie got his own kind of snake while we were there, and of course I don't mind this kind either.
My temper grew shorter.
I became stressed, even when not pressed by snakes. Everywhere had danger, obstacles. The twins were clinging to me, Julia wouldn't stay nearby. They were driving me nuts. Eventually we headed out to the car while their Daddy sorted out the last few things to pick up.
In the car I could feel my own stress mounting.
I'm sitting here now, feeling the stress just laying there under the surface. Miles is yelling about something. It's a happy yelling. Charlie may be asleep.
When we came home I made my husband a coffee, and then Louis decided he wanted one, and I burned the shit out of my fingers emptying the refillable keurig thing. Note to self you can't go two in a row. I really wanted a coffee. I did not want to burn myself again emptying it. So I poured a water and came upstairs to escape.
Except there is no escape. This chaos is my life. Today I'm not handling it that well. Possibly with some dinner and a good night's sleep I will feel better.
What really matters is that despite it all, despite this day which was weird and not so good for me (just for me, I think the others had fun), I wouldn't be anywhere else right now. This would always be what I choose, despite it's wear and tear on my soul sometimes. I would always choose to be sitting here with a sadly empty Tervis tumbler of water, with a 10 year old singing the PBS Kids jingle over and over. I'd be annoyed that my Sims3 is taking so long to download. I'd be thinking about something else to play instead.
But no matter what, I'd be right here.