Saturday, July 12, 2014
I wasn't ever "alright." But I said I was because people needed to hear it. As days wore on, it became closer to being true.
When it was over, the question changed. "How was it?"
I don't know what to say. It was a beautiful place. It was a terrible two days. We actually laughed a lot. I felt horror and anger and range and unbelievable sadness. I felt at home when the Masons came to give him his final rites. I thanked the men who have traveled East for being there and said to them how much it meant.
What it really was for me, for the first time, was closure.
I never needed closure before. I never needed to find peace with a death. People die, sometimes people die unfairly or too early. But I guess somehow, I always accepted death and it's seemingly random timing. This time I couldn't accept it or even know it was real. I knew it was real but I couldn't get it into my head that he was dead.
But he is.
I think, despite everything, what brought me to the place I needed to be were the Masons. Their white aprons, white gloves and their somber but respectful words just settled over me and I realized this was it then. The Masons were saying the words and we're done.
I actually am ok. I'm sad, but the bewildering loss and raging anger seems to have faded. I know it just is a new world now and I am now moving in it and finding new adventures. I am okay with where I stand today. I wouldn't have chosen it, but we rarely get a choice in how the world moves.
I am ready to stop grieving.
So mote it be.