A Mommy Blog About Raising Men, Not Boys.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

So How Was It?

Last week the question was "Are you alright?" I wanted to answer with Marcellus Wallace response to Butch every single time, "No, I'm pretty fucking far from alright." But I didn't. It because apparent that other people weren't just checking on me, but that somehow me being alright helped them be alright. So I said I was alright.

I wasn't ever "alright." But I said I was because people needed to hear it. As days wore on, it became closer to being true.
Five of us traveled to the mountains of West Virginia to bear witness to our friend's burial, to say goodbye and to make peace with everything, including how unfair the universe can be. 17 hours of travel by car, up and back, into a place you can't get there from here, we sang most of the way and distracted ourselves from our duty and mission.

When  it was over, the question changed. "How was it?"

I don't know what to say. It was a beautiful place. It was a terrible two days. We actually laughed a lot. I felt horror and anger and range and unbelievable sadness. I felt at home when the Masons came to give him his final rites. I thanked the men who have traveled East for being there and said to them how much it meant.

What it really was for me, for the first time, was closure.

I never needed closure before. I never needed to find peace with a death. People die, sometimes people die unfairly or too early. But I guess somehow, I always accepted death and it's seemingly random timing. This time I couldn't accept it or even know it was real.  I knew it was real but I couldn't get it into my head that he was dead.

But he is.

I think, despite everything, what brought me to the place I needed to be were the Masons. Their white aprons, white gloves and their somber but respectful words just settled over me and I realized this was it then. The Masons were saying the words and we're done.

I actually am ok. I'm sad, but the bewildering loss and raging anger seems to have faded. I know it just is a new world now and I am now moving in it and finding new adventures. I am okay with where I stand today. I wouldn't have chosen it, but we rarely get a choice in how the world moves.

I am ready to stop grieving.

So mote it be.