A Mommy Blog About Raising Men, Not Boys.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

The Pregnant Nightmares

They say that it's really normal to have crazy, horrible, visceral nightmares when you are pregnant.
I find that to be disturbingly true.
Some people apparently have dreams of killing, or being killed or axe murderers and stuff like that - of doing things that are unthinkable. They awake terrified that these might be things they will do, when in fact their hormones are just running wild during their REM sleep.
I also dream crazy, horrible nightmares - more and more lately.
Mine are always what I consider the Sophie's Choice/Kobayashi Maru variety. I'm always presented with the unwinnable situation - which could result in death for my children - and in it I spend my nightmare working out HOW I would thwart that.
How I would cheat, and beat the machine.

How will I escape a car sinking in water, with now 4 children? What is my plan? Fire? Hiding from a madman - how will I keep them quiet?

I wake up dripping with sweat - and sometimes go look in their room so that I can just hear them sleep for a few minutes.

I always win, in my dreams, but it doesn't make the terror any less.

I can swim onto the top of my car somehow, and get them all onto the roof with me - despite any obstacles I can do it. I am stronger than I actually am, I am faster than I actually am -

I am unwilling to accept the alternative.........and therefore........I win.

But as my heart pounds in my chest and I feel my next family member squirm in my tummy........I wish these nightmares would stop.

Mommy will keep you safe. Now stop.