Somebody Elses Baby

I held somebody elses baby today. And it sort of pissed me off.
Which is jerkwad-ish of me......maybe it just made me sad.

I just felt that hole created in November in my life. That hole that was supposed to be a baby. Not like we bought anything, or started painting a nursery or anything stupid like that.

It's just that.....my mind had got to wandering, in those baby places. The soft blankets, and the pajamas legs that snap, and the formula that stains......I had slipped back into the comfort of those things, when they were all snapped back out from under me.

"Not viable."

Of course, I'm educated. I do understand that there never WAS a baby. In fact, it was just some cells with bad recombinant DNA that never specialized - never turned into a human. It tests positive on ye old home pregnancy test because it starts out as ovum and sperm, and it fertilizes like a zygote should and then it all just goes to hell.

So, I get it. I didn't lose anything because I didn't have anything but some seriously physical discomfort.

But when I was holding that baby dressed in pink and chocolate polka dots today, you would've sworn it was otherwise the way my heart ached and the way that hole blew open in it. A gap where someone else was supposed to be loved sits open. I wonder what happens now?

Will it close? Will I always feel this way?