A Mommy Blog About Raising Men, Not Boys.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Somebody Elses Baby

I held somebody elses baby today. And it sort of pissed me off.
Which is jerkwad-ish of me......maybe it just made me sad.

I just felt that hole created in November in my life. That hole that was supposed to be a baby. Not like we bought anything, or started painting a nursery or anything stupid like that.

It's just that.....my mind had got to wandering, in those baby places. The soft blankets, and the pajamas legs that snap, and the formula that stains......I had slipped back into the comfort of those things, when they were all snapped back out from under me.

"Not viable."

Of course, I'm educated. I do understand that there never WAS a baby. In fact, it was just some cells with bad recombinant DNA that never specialized - never turned into a human. It tests positive on ye old home pregnancy test because it starts out as ovum and sperm, and it fertilizes like a zygote should and then it all just goes to hell.

So, I get it. I didn't lose anything because I didn't have anything but some seriously physical discomfort.

But when I was holding that baby dressed in pink and chocolate polka dots today, you would've sworn it was otherwise the way my heart ached and the way that hole blew open in it. A gap where someone else was supposed to be loved sits open. I wonder what happens now?

Will it close? Will I always feel this way?


Jhuzen Ketsugo said...

I am a high-risk OB Nurse that works very closely with pregnancy loss, and has trained in bereavement care.
No one can tell you at which point a pregnancy becomes real to you. Only you know. And your loss is real. Some women feel it at the point of a missed chance to conceive when they get their period, to them, that was a lost pregnancy. Others think of loss only after delivery. It is so very personal, and the meaning we attach to the event is as unique as each experience.
I wish you all the best, and hope that you will allow yourself to grieve and not let anyone else tell you how that is supposed to look or what timetable that is supposed to happen on. Anger, frustration, looking for blame, all that is part of a grieving process, and you are entitled.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

Yes. It gets better.