There this vast chasm between who I am and who I want to be and today I feel like it's widened. I'm tired. I'm damn tired. I'm sore. I'm out of sorts in 50 ways. To start with I pushed it on the Total Gym on Friday and I woke up barely able to move yesterday. Some people enjoy being stiff and sore but I call it pain. Being unable to move without wincing pain isn't pleasant. It makes me cranky. Not being able to move my body normally without parts of said body screaming isn't pleasant. It sucks.
It makes me sort of hovering-ly on angry all day.
I've got a wicked case of tendonosis and Plantars Fasciitis in my left foot that hurts every single day. The only thing that varies is the degree of which it hurts. I haven't been as diligent as I'd like to be on doing stretches so that bit is just simply my fault, isn't it? This also makes me angry.
Add to that today I woke up in a fog. It's a wide open Sunday where I had wanted to accomplish a thing or ten. But upon waking I realized I was fuzzy. Terribly, terribly fuzzy. I took a muscle relaxer last night at bed time hoping to release some of the body tension I had going on and it seems that it hadn't let go by the time I woke up. I consumed coffee after coffee, thinking that if only I had one more I would shake it off. I took a steaming hot showering with a soap called Happiness which did help get me one more step toward coherent but still, not quite there.
I'd like to be the sort who has fingernails that shine like justice, is well read and abreast of the latest games and movies. I want to be interesting, hold meaningful conversations and be a fascinating person. I want to participate in wry repartee and drink whatever is the hippest cocktail - in moderation. I want to wear pencil skirts, and high heels every day and find cute up-dos on pinterest.
Instead, today I changed 10+ poopie diapers and sat like a drugged slug on my sofa while my child played legos and watched the Lego movie. I may have nodded off despite my coffee intake. I tried to play with her but was informed I was messing it up. Eventually I begged for a nap and collapsed in an unmade bed. If you know me, you know that unmade beds are my kryptonite and this isn't a likely scenario. I'm not ever too tired to make the bed. It was when I went to finally lay down, that I realized my real malady in addition to the muscle relaxer. As I took off my bra and my boobs screamed I realized what had me in it's grip.
PMS is a real thing. I don't really ever know when it's due because due to my endometrial ablation I am not in tune with my cycle. It's here however. It explains my desperate need to eat everything in the house, my desperate need to sleep and my overall achy unhappy self. My ankles are swollen and everything is making me annoyed.
It sort of helps to realize that when you feel crazy and like a loser/failure who is failing at life that in fact it's just your hormones raging and turning your brain upside down. I had a nap, and then a hard lemonade and an hour or so of playing The Witcher 3 (good game btw) all the while listening to small children be small children in my proximity.
My nap was interrupted by a hand jiggling my door handle, calling "I want mommy, I want mommy" which was Miles, calling me. I got up and opening the door and he climbed into bed, saying "snuggle". We fell asleep until a small voice said "Is there room for me to snuggle? It's Julia."
I could use another hard lemonade. I could use a brain break. Not that I just wasn't gone for four days but today I'm on short fuse. It's all hormones and so I just need to roll with it. Right now I'd like to finish this post because I'm sure I had some sort of point, but it's all loud noises.
I had some sort of a point. What was my point?
I don't have a fucking clue.