This morning I am joined by a five year old wearing Pinkie Pie pajamas. They're the last present my mom ever sent her, and it made me melancholy to see her in them. My mind got all wander-y, as if that were a word, and thinking about this new year and the last year and all the things.
I have been thinking a LOT about how quickly things shift in a life, and how many things can be packed into a short amount of time. I'd like some level ground for a while, but don't know if anyone gets that. It's hard to imagine how things can swing so far one way to another, and how odd and singular a life can be even when surrounded by others.
My New Year's Eve started off at the hospital.
This time they seemed "concerned" in their cheery chatty way. Usually I go in, get the mammogram. Go back, get another one on one side, then they go "oh hey let's do an ultrasound" and that takes like 30 minutes. The first thing that was different was they KEPT bringing me back for different mammogram looks on both sides. She'd make a concerned then "oh I'm cheery" face that they must teach them and then squish me and apologize for the fact that it hurt.
Eventually via ultrasound they got the look they wanted at the tissue areas circled. They're very dense apparently and don't show what's inside well, so they have to basically shove the ultrasound wand through my breastbone to get a look in there. They found one side was just dense tissue with no hidden gems, and the other was just a small cyst and nothing else. Come back in six months, you're not going to die - yet.
And then, the wheel turned and it was New Year's Eve again instead of death diagnosis day.
I had even forgotten my morning, my terror, my tears of relief in the dressing room when it was all over, by the time I got home. I might not have remembered had I not taken pictures of the adventure and found them in my phone.
Yesterday was a pain in the ass for hours on end. Everyone got up too late. My deep desire to be left alone in peace wasn't in the cards. I was DENIED. I was bitter about it. The twins were cranky pants about everything and anything. Eventually my husband called me to the bedroom and had me lay down. He wrapped me up with blankets, threw a leg over me and demanded I close my eyes.
I slept and something oddly magical happened. Without the audience of me to offend with their nonstop fighting, it stopped. The kids wandered into various parts of the house and played. I would wake up every so often to be admonished to lay still and close my eyes. like a child I obeyed, slipping back into my blanketed safe zone and letting everything fade.
By the time I got back up, things had stabilized.
I worked out, made lunch and played a matching game with the girl.
Everyone was happy. Miles surprised us by reaching for the salad tongs and putting salad on his plate, we think they must have gone there with his social skills group, so I helped him put some salad on his plate and he happily picked out the olives and tomatoes (his favorites). I renewed my love affair with moscato wine, and they forgot my meal so I ended up getting a children's portion at a much better price and it's really all I needed to eat anyway.
In 48 hours I made smores, thought I was going to be told I was gonna die, watched Willie Wonka, had a mandatory nap, played a game,worked out,had an amazing and fun dinner.
Today I'm up for anything. What do you have universe? I'm ready for you.