I Don't Have Enough Energy For All Of This

There this vast chasm between who I am and who I want to be and today I feel like it's widened. I'm tired.  I'm damn tired. I'm sore. I'm out of sorts in 50 ways. To start with I pushed it on the Total Gym on Friday and I woke up barely able to move yesterday. Some people enjoy being stiff and sore but I call it pain. Being unable to move without wincing pain isn't pleasant. It makes me cranky. Not being able to move my body normally without parts of said body screaming isn't pleasant. It sucks.

It makes me sort of hovering-ly on angry all day.

I've got a wicked case of tendonosis and Plantars Fasciitis in my left foot that hurts every single day. The only thing that varies is the degree of which it hurts. I haven't been as diligent as I'd like to be on doing stretches so that bit is just simply my fault, isn't it? This also makes me angry.

Add to that today I woke up in a fog. It's a wide open Sunday where I had wanted to accomplish a thing or ten. But upon waking I realized I was fuzzy. Terribly, terribly fuzzy. I took a muscle relaxer last night at bed time hoping to release some of the body tension I had going on and it seems that it hadn't let go by the time I woke up. I consumed coffee after coffee, thinking that if only I had one more I would shake it off. I took a steaming hot showering with a soap called Happiness which did help get me one more step toward coherent but still, not quite there.

I'd like to be the sort who has fingernails that shine like justice, is well read and abreast of the latest games and movies. I want to be interesting, hold meaningful conversations and be a fascinating person. I want to participate in wry repartee and drink whatever is the hippest cocktail - in moderation. I want to wear pencil skirts, and high heels every day and find cute up-dos on pinterest.

Instead, today I changed 10+ poopie diapers and sat like a drugged slug on my sofa while my child played legos and watched the Lego movie. I may have nodded off despite my coffee intake. I tried to play with her but was informed I was messing it up. Eventually I begged for a nap and collapsed in an unmade bed. If you know me, you know that unmade beds are my kryptonite and this isn't a likely scenario. I'm not ever too tired to make the bed. It was when I went to finally lay down, that I realized my real malady in addition to the muscle relaxer. As I took off my bra and my boobs screamed I realized what had me in it's grip.

PMS.

Fucking PMS.

PMS is a real thing. I don't really ever know when it's due because due to my endometrial ablation I am not in tune with my cycle. It's here however. It explains my desperate need to eat everything in the house, my desperate need to sleep and my overall achy unhappy self. My ankles are swollen and everything is making me annoyed.

It sort of helps to realize that when you feel crazy and like a loser/failure who is failing at life that in fact it's just your hormones raging and turning your brain upside down. I had a nap, and then a hard lemonade and an hour or so of playing The Witcher 3 (good game btw) all the while listening to small children be small children in my proximity.

My nap was interrupted by a hand jiggling my door handle, calling "I want mommy, I want mommy" which was Miles, calling me. I got up and opening the door and he climbed into bed, saying "snuggle". We fell asleep until a small voice said "Is there room for me to snuggle? It's Julia."

I could use another hard lemonade. I could use a brain break. Not that I just wasn't gone for four days but today I'm on short fuse. It's all hormones and so I just need to roll with it. Right now I'd like to finish this post because I'm sure I had some sort of point, but it's all loud noises.

I had some sort of a point. What was my point?

I don't have a fucking clue.
Tweet

I Don't Have Enough Energy For All Of This

There this vast chasm between who I am and who I want to be and today I feel like it's widened. I'm tired.  I'm damn tired. I'm sore. I'm out of sorts in 50 ways. To start with I pushed it on the Total Gym on Friday and I woke up barely able to move yesterday. Some people enjoy being stiff and sore but I call it pain. Being unable to move without wincing pain isn't pleasant. It makes me cranky. Not being able to move my body normally without parts of said body screaming isn't pleasant. It sucks.

It makes me sort of hovering-ly on angry all day.

I've got a wicked case of tendonosis and Plantars Fasciitis in my left foot that hurts every single day. The only thing that varies is the degree of which it hurts. I haven't been as diligent as I'd like to be on doing stretches so that bit is just simply my fault, isn't it? This also makes me angry.

Add to that today I woke up in a fog. It's a wide open Sunday where I had wanted to accomplish a thing or ten. But upon waking I realized I was fuzzy. Terribly, terribly fuzzy. I took a muscle relaxer last night at bed time hoping to release some of the body tension I had going on and it seems that it hadn't let go by the time I woke up. I consumed coffee after coffee, thinking that if only I had one more I would shake it off. I took a steaming hot showering with a soap called Happiness which did help get me one more step toward coherent but still, not quite there.

I'd like to be the sort who has fingernails that shine like justice, is well read and abreast of the latest games and movies. I want to be interesting, hold meaningful conversations and be a fascinating person. I want to participate in wry repartee and drink whatever is the hippest cocktail - in moderation. I want to wear pencil skirts, and high heels every day and find cute up-dos on pinterest.

Instead, today I changed 10+ poopie diapers and sat like a drugged slug on my sofa while my child played legos and watched the Lego movie. I may have nodded off despite my coffee intake. I tried to play with her but was informed I was messing it up. Eventually I begged for a nap and collapsed in an unmade bed. If you know me, you know that unmade beds are my kryptonite and this isn't a likely scenario. I'm not ever too tired to make the bed. It was when I went to finally lay down, that I realized my real malady in addition to the muscle relaxer. As I took off my bra and my boobs screamed I realized what had me in it's grip.

PMS.

Fucking PMS.

PMS is a real thing. I don't really ever know when it's due because due to my endometrial ablation I am not in tune with my cycle. It's here however. It explains my desperate need to eat everything in the house, my desperate need to sleep and my overall achy unhappy self. My ankles are swollen and everything is making me annoyed.

It sort of helps to realize that when you feel crazy and like a loser/failure who is failing at life that in fact it's just your hormones raging and turning your brain upside down. I had a nap, and then a hard lemonade and an hour or so of playing The Witcher 3 (good game btw) all the while listening to small children be small children in my proximity.

My nap was interrupted by a hand jiggling my door handle, calling "I want mommy, I want mommy" which was Miles, calling me. I got up and opening the door and he climbed into bed, saying "snuggle". We fell asleep until a small voice said "Is there room for me to snuggle? It's Julia."

I could use another hard lemonade. I could use a brain break. Not that I just wasn't gone for four days but today I'm on short fuse. It's all hormones and so I just need to roll with it. Right now I'd like to finish this post because I'm sure I had some sort of point, but it's all loud noises.

I had some sort of a point. What was my point?

I don't have a fucking clue.
Tweet

The True Story of How I Ate My Way Through Las Vegas...or 8 Pounds Later

I think the fact that we started off with a chocolate tasting pretty much set the tone for our trip. "Would like you to have a chocolate tasting while we get your table ready?" Despite the fact that this was an OBVIOUS stall tactic as the place was mostly empty, so clearly the servers were just bickering over who was taking us but REGARDLESS - CHOCOLATE TASTING!!

It was Michele's birthday and who were we mortals to turn down a chocolate tasting? NO one, that's who! So we started off with a chocolate tasting of single source local friendly whatever else I'm supposed to say that indicates that no indigenous people were deprived of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness to obtain it. After that we floated, high on whatever it is in chocolate that makes all right with your world, to our table for various appetizers and drinks to celebrate my arrival and Michele's birthday. Her friend Candy joined us and it was a lovely evening of calories and visiting.

The next day was a fancy lunch at a buffet featuring foods from the regions of France. The food was delicious. The dessert was divine.

I always wanted to try macarons. I've never seen them anywhere that they weren't about $3 A PIECE and honestly I hated the idea of wasting that much money on something so small. Now of course I have learned that it wouldn't have been a waste. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN AN INVESTMENT IN HAPPINESS.

Because wow were they good. The creme brulee wasn't carmelized enough. I give it a B.

For dinner we tried Gordon Ramsay's Steak and I have to admit I'm far too unsophisticated of a palette to really appreciate food that costs that much money. This is a wheel of steak choices. Each one is more expensive than the next. It's all still made of cow, however.

This was my steak. It was pretty good. I mean, it was steak. It was tender and juicy and good. I'm not sure it was the demi-god of steaks, however. I'm not even sure it had super powers.

But based on the bill - it should have. That's all I'm saying.

Lunch the next day was at a place called Mon Ami Gabi and once again, French food. I can tell you it was amazing and delicious and, so cheese, so meat, so good. It was like dinner and a show however thanks to these guys.

This guy had a bullhorn and really had a lot to say but I personally found that he lacked passion. I didn't see the crazy in his eyes. He was just sort of blathering as he walked. It was entertaining, however.

That evening was cocktails and appetizers at one of THE destinations in Vegas, it was a work event so we had to behave.

I had to grab a picture from Google just to show you how amazing this location was.

It looks out over the strip and as the sun set the show of lights was AMAZING. They served cocktails and appetizers, which included lots of things but my favorites were the peanut chicken AND - the braised beef spareribs, served in thimbles.

I only had two of them. That can't be THAT many calories, right?

After we wrapped up that event however it was time to actually go out and eat, so I met up with my brother and work friends and we hit the town.

Harley Davidson on the strip does NOT have the best barbecue in Vegas THAT was a lie. They do have good blue drinks however, so it evens out in my book. Of course after dinner we needed to get dessert. I'd promised Scott we'd go Holstein's because according to YELP they have the best milkshakes in Vegas.

I had a birthday cake shake and I do admit, it was pretty good. I feel like it was an A in shake world but I also think Steak N Shake is an A in the shake world so this isn't necessarily a huge upgrade from my normal shakes available in life. It was fun though. We also got to see a dude with the drawers down to his knees hitting on a pro. I didn't get a clear picture of it. But it was funny.

My trip started the way it ended, with my friend Michele which honestly was awesome. She was going to take me to the airport but first we headed down to Fremont to show me old Vegas and get some lunch. We went to that classic, the Golden Nugget and had some buffet which was not as fancy as the French one but I'm positive no less calories. We toasted our friend Renee, who was the third of our lunch bunch. She is sadly missed by us, it was one of those times she should've been with us, laughing and eating and gossiping. That won't ever happen again, but I'm glad we were able to toast to her together and remember her.

We were having mimosas, and toasting our friend who drank herself to death. She'd actually have probably thought that was funny. We had the thought, "this is probably in bad taste" but we quickly gave it the meh, whatever because that's how we roll.

Like it or lump it, Renee. If you don't like it, you shoulda been there to tell us so.

This story doesn't include breakfast, which occurred each day. It was at the boulangerie and it was so damn good.

It doesn't include snacks on the plane each way. It doesn't include cocktails. There were cocktails Many many many cocktails.

The end result despite WAY over 10 k steps walked every day was pretty frustrating. I wasn't keeping track of what I ate, so even though I KNEW there was no way I was even close to making up my intake well, let's face it - I didn't stop because I didn't care.

So here I am. It's 8 pound heavier and now I have to take it off. Which is fine, because honestly when in Rome (or Paris). I'm a little annoyed at myself and yet, I'm mostly not. It was fun. I hate the way in I look in the photos but I don't know that I ever will like the way I look so I've decided not to care and to crop out the bits I hate the most (above, totally did).

And now I'm muscle sore from the total gym and requesting curly fries for dinner.

You can take the fat girl out of the....oh wait.

No, you just can't.

Oh well, I'll get there.
Tweet

The True Story of How I Ate My Way Through Las Vegas...or 8 Pounds Later

I think the fact that we started off with a chocolate tasting pretty much set the tone for our trip. "Would like you to have a chocolate tasting while we get your table ready?" Despite the fact that this was an OBVIOUS stall tactic as the place was mostly empty, so clearly the servers were just bickering over who was taking us but REGARDLESS - CHOCOLATE TASTING!!

It was Michele's birthday and who were we mortals to turn down a chocolate tasting? NO one, that's who! So we started off with a chocolate tasting of single source local friendly whatever else I'm supposed to say that indicates that no indigenous people were deprived of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness to obtain it. After that we floated, high on whatever it is in chocolate that makes all right with your world, to our table for various appetizers and drinks to celebrate my arrival and Michele's birthday. Her friend Candy joined us and it was a lovely evening of calories and visiting.

The next day was a fancy lunch at a buffet featuring foods from the regions of France. The food was delicious. The dessert was divine.

I always wanted to try macarons. I've never seen them anywhere that they weren't about $3 A PIECE and honestly I hated the idea of wasting that much money on something so small. Now of course I have learned that it wouldn't have been a waste. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN AN INVESTMENT IN HAPPINESS.

Because wow were they good. The creme brulee wasn't carmelized enough. I give it a B.

For dinner we tried Gordon Ramsay's Steak and I have to admit I'm far too unsophisticated of a palette to really appreciate food that costs that much money. This is a wheel of steak choices. Each one is more expensive than the next. It's all still made of cow, however.

This was my steak. It was pretty good. I mean, it was steak. It was tender and juicy and good. I'm not sure it was the demi-god of steaks, however. I'm not even sure it had super powers.

But based on the bill - it should have. That's all I'm saying.

Lunch the next day was at a place called Mon Ami Gabi and once again, French food. I can tell you it was amazing and delicious and, so cheese, so meat, so good. It was like dinner and a show however thanks to these guys.

This guy had a bullhorn and really had a lot to say but I personally found that he lacked passion. I didn't see the crazy in his eyes. He was just sort of blathering as he walked. It was entertaining, however.

That evening was cocktails and appetizers at one of THE destinations in Vegas, it was a work event so we had to behave.

I had to grab a picture from Google just to show you how amazing this location was.

It looks out over the strip and as the sun set the show of lights was AMAZING. They served cocktails and appetizers, which included lots of things but my favorites were the peanut chicken AND - the braised beef spareribs, served in thimbles.

I only had two of them. That can't be THAT many calories, right?

After we wrapped up that event however it was time to actually go out and eat, so I met up with my brother and work friends and we hit the town.

Harley Davidson on the strip does NOT have the best barbecue in Vegas THAT was a lie. They do have good blue drinks however, so it evens out in my book. Of course after dinner we needed to get dessert. I'd promised Scott we'd go Holstein's because according to YELP they have the best milkshakes in Vegas.

I had a birthday cake shake and I do admit, it was pretty good. I feel like it was an A in shake world but I also think Steak N Shake is an A in the shake world so this isn't necessarily a huge upgrade from my normal shakes available in life. It was fun though. We also got to see a dude with the drawers down to his knees hitting on a pro. I didn't get a clear picture of it. But it was funny.

My trip started the way it ended, with my friend Michele which honestly was awesome. She was going to take me to the airport but first we headed down to Fremont to show me old Vegas and get some lunch. We went to that classic, the Golden Nugget and had some buffet which was not as fancy as the French one but I'm positive no less calories. We toasted our friend Renee, who was the third of our lunch bunch. She is sadly missed by us, it was one of those times she should've been with us, laughing and eating and gossiping. That won't ever happen again, but I'm glad we were able to toast to her together and remember her.

We were having mimosas, and toasting our friend who drank herself to death. She'd actually have probably thought that was funny. We had the thought, "this is probably in bad taste" but we quickly gave it the meh, whatever because that's how we roll.

Like it or lump it, Renee. If you don't like it, you shoulda been there to tell us so.

This story doesn't include breakfast, which occurred each day. It was at the boulangerie and it was so damn good.

It doesn't include snacks on the plane each way. It doesn't include cocktails. There were cocktails Many many many cocktails.

The end result despite WAY over 10 k steps walked every day was pretty frustrating. I wasn't keeping track of what I ate, so even though I KNEW there was no way I was even close to making up my intake well, let's face it - I didn't stop because I didn't care.

So here I am. It's 8 pound heavier and now I have to take it off. Which is fine, because honestly when in Rome (or Paris). I'm a little annoyed at myself and yet, I'm mostly not. It was fun. I hate the way in I look in the photos but I don't know that I ever will like the way I look so I've decided not to care and to crop out the bits I hate the most (above, totally did).

And now I'm muscle sore from the total gym and requesting curly fries for dinner.

You can take the fat girl out of the....oh wait.

No, you just can't.

Oh well, I'll get there.
Tweet

The Winter Storm That Wasn't

They said it was coming. They said it was going to be four inches of snow. As the day wore on, the forecasts grew more dire, the amateur forecasters more snarky in their predictions. Snow was coming to SOUTHTOWN and it was gonna be a doozy.

We started out our day with an IEP and if you've never done that it takes forever and is boring as hell but you have to pay attention because it's serious stuff. The wind was whipping the feeling of ICE around us, and the rain was pouring down like it was the Great Flood itself. The sky, the air, and everything in my bones said - this shit is about to get real.

After the IEP we had the 7th Grade awards program where the oldest boy made the Honor Roll. Cue proud parents.

Shortly after that, as the temperatures dropped, the husband had a tooth cleaning and I turned into Bill Brandon 2.0 and decided all of my children had to come home right now. I drove around to fetch them all.

 The girl had just completed her 100th day of school celebration and was covered in chocolate. My timing was perfect. After we picked up the twins, it began to rain ice. As we approached the house, it began to snow.

Any snow in Atlanta is a bad thing. We just don't have the mental fortitude for it. We don't have the "oh well just keep going" attitude. We have to hunker down in a blind panic. Or at least hunker down.
At our house, we settled in for the night, expecting Snowmageddon to rain down on us like a fabled Nor'easter.

As temperatures dropped and snow swirled, I prepared myself to rise early and drag these kids outside for SNOW FUN! SNOW! SNOW! LET'S PLAY!

Except, we just got a dusting. Not enough to play. Not enough to be interesting. Just cold as shit however. Cold as ever loving shit.  By 1 it was melted in the sun.

We spent our day inside, and the girl did this to my phone.

I didn't even know that was POSSIBLE.

I downloaded Neko Atsumi because everyone seems to have it. I discovered I don't understand the point of it and then I learned that there is no point, I'm just feeding and collecting cats.

So fine, this skill I have. Behold my cats. This is what I accomplished on this freezing cold day. It was a good day to stay inside, that's for sure.

I hate being cold, that's why I like living in the south.

So much for Snowmageddon 2016 in Atlanta. Although, the French Toast report guys say we're doing this again later this week. We'll see boys, you got this one so very wrong!
Tweet

The Winter Storm That Wasn't

They said it was coming. They said it was going to be four inches of snow. As the day wore on, the forecasts grew more dire, the amateur forecasters more snarky in their predictions. Snow was coming to SOUTHTOWN and it was gonna be a doozy.

We started out our day with an IEP and if you've never done that it takes forever and is boring as hell but you have to pay attention because it's serious stuff. The wind was whipping the feeling of ICE around us, and the rain was pouring down like it was the Great Flood itself. The sky, the air, and everything in my bones said - this shit is about to get real.

After the IEP we had the 7th Grade awards program where the oldest boy made the Honor Roll. Cue proud parents.

Shortly after that, as the temperatures dropped, the husband had a tooth cleaning and I turned into Bill Brandon 2.0 and decided all of my children had to come home right now. I drove around to fetch them all.

 The girl had just completed her 100th day of school celebration and was covered in chocolate. My timing was perfect. After we picked up the twins, it began to rain ice. As we approached the house, it began to snow.

Any snow in Atlanta is a bad thing. We just don't have the mental fortitude for it. We don't have the "oh well just keep going" attitude. We have to hunker down in a blind panic. Or at least hunker down.
At our house, we settled in for the night, expecting Snowmageddon to rain down on us like a fabled Nor'easter.

As temperatures dropped and snow swirled, I prepared myself to rise early and drag these kids outside for SNOW FUN! SNOW! SNOW! LET'S PLAY!

Except, we just got a dusting. Not enough to play. Not enough to be interesting. Just cold as shit however. Cold as ever loving shit.  By 1 it was melted in the sun.

We spent our day inside, and the girl did this to my phone.

I didn't even know that was POSSIBLE.

I downloaded Neko Atsumi because everyone seems to have it. I discovered I don't understand the point of it and then I learned that there is no point, I'm just feeding and collecting cats.

So fine, this skill I have. Behold my cats. This is what I accomplished on this freezing cold day. It was a good day to stay inside, that's for sure.

I hate being cold, that's why I like living in the south.

So much for Snowmageddon 2016 in Atlanta. Although, the French Toast report guys say we're doing this again later this week. We'll see boys, you got this one so very wrong!
Tweet

Will They Be Autistic When They Grow Up

Julia and Miles can be the best of friends when the stars are aligned. He still calls her "Baby" and likes to hug her. He likes to do the things Kindergartners like to do very often, however, so that makes them very likely playmates. 

Sunday the toll of our family activity being nil because mom has been so sick was mounting so I gave in to pretty much every activity suggestion from the smallest one. Painting? Sure. PlayDoh? Sure. And with everything she wanted to do, there was Miles right with her. In fact the only upset he really experienced was when I finally had to put the PlayDoh barbershop away because tiny pieces of gross faux clay were just going EVERYWHERE and my prednisone fueled stress wasn't having it any more.

They played in her room, they played chase, in fact the best part is really just that they PLAYED. There's something so comforting about watching your special little guy do something NORMAL like playing, if you don't have that gap in your life I can't explain it to you.

At the end of our day while we were settling in for some evening family TV, Miles and Julia snuggled up together on the love seat, wrapping in each others arms like the best of friends. Julia looked at me and asked, "Mom, will Miles and Charlie still be autistic when they grow up?" At that point a Road Runner dropped an anvil on my head and I was struck dumb. I didn't know if I was going to cry, or cry, or cry. My husband walked into the room and carried the ball, and told her well they might be but you never know what science will learn that might help them etc etc etc.

You could tell though, it hadn't occurred to her that this is a permanent situation. She snuggled Miles up and just said OK, accepting the news far better than we ever did. I guess children have more bandwidth for accepting some things. 

She also made a PlayDoh person with boobs that she asked me to show everyone.

So, now I've done that.

But yes my sweet little girl, they'll always be autistic. This might be it. We don't know. But I'm trying to be hopeful that maybe there will be something in our future that makes their lives easier and better, and ours. I don't know what that thing is yet, but I'm counting on science to bring it to me. And if it doesn't? Well that's ok too. I've got no issues with a 40 year old playing PlayDoh barbershop if that's the future. The dining room carpet doesn't mean that much to me anyway.

Will They Be Autistic When They Grow Up

Julia and Miles can be the best of friends when the stars are aligned. He still calls her "Baby" and likes to hug her. He likes to do the things Kindergartners like to do very often, however, so that makes them very likely playmates. 

Sunday the toll of our family activity being nil because mom has been so sick was mounting so I gave in to pretty much every activity suggestion from the smallest one. Painting? Sure. PlayDoh? Sure. And with everything she wanted to do, there was Miles right with her. In fact the only upset he really experienced was when I finally had to put the PlayDoh barbershop away because tiny pieces of gross faux clay were just going EVERYWHERE and my prednisone fueled stress wasn't having it any more.

They played in her room, they played chase, in fact the best part is really just that they PLAYED. There's something so comforting about watching your special little guy do something NORMAL like playing, if you don't have that gap in your life I can't explain it to you.

At the end of our day while we were settling in for some evening family TV, Miles and Julia snuggled up together on the love seat, wrapping in each others arms like the best of friends. Julia looked at me and asked, "Mom, will Miles and Charlie still be autistic when they grow up?" At that point a Road Runner dropped an anvil on my head and I was struck dumb. I didn't know if I was going to cry, or cry, or cry. My husband walked into the room and carried the ball, and told her well they might be but you never know what science will learn that might help them etc etc etc.

You could tell though, it hadn't occurred to her that this is a permanent situation. She snuggled Miles up and just said OK, accepting the news far better than we ever did. I guess children have more bandwidth for accepting some things. 

She also made a PlayDoh person with boobs that she asked me to show everyone.

So, now I've done that.

But yes my sweet little girl, they'll always be autistic. This might be it. We don't know. But I'm trying to be hopeful that maybe there will be something in our future that makes their lives easier and better, and ours. I don't know what that thing is yet, but I'm counting on science to bring it to me. And if it doesn't? Well that's ok too. I've got no issues with a 40 year old playing PlayDoh barbershop if that's the future. The dining room carpet doesn't mean that much to me anyway.