It's a delicate balance, keeping life going as though it were normal despite what Autism brings to the party. You can pretend to be as "normal" as the next person, going places and doing things, but the stuff I don't write about, and no one sees, are how I spend time every outing in bathroom stalls sorting out diapers for my 9 year olds. Ever changed a 9 year old's diaper while sitting on a public toilet in a stall ? It's awesome. There are also the tantrums when someone is told not to do something, something unsafe or unsanitary or just socially unacceptable. "Get your hands out of your butt" might elicit screams for the ages.
You also can't take your eye off them. You can smile, and read things in museums, and enjoy your surroundings but let them out of your sight for one minute and one of them is licking an electrical outlet (happened last night).
The level of stress and tension this creates, the inability to NEVER relax your guard is wearing on us I think.
This morning was a great example of something that shouldn't have been a problem and now things are broken. Autism doesn't care what is special or precious to you. It doesn't give a CRAP that you can't replace that object.
My oldest boy was downstairs to help me with the twins, as they were a bit wild this morning, and so while I made breakfast he stayed in the living room to referee. They were actually pretty good. The kids all had breakfast, everyone got cleaned up and I should've KNOWN everything had just gone too well.
I was moving a little slower than normal, I slept wrong and have an incredible crick in my neck. I decided to make myself some grits (soft food I don't have to chew), and Louis announced he was going to the bathroom. Only Charlie and Julia were in the living room. They were watching TV sitting on opposite sofas. It seemed pretty quiet.
I went back to making my breakfast not worried about those two alone together. As the microwave started to hum I heard CRASH SMASH and Julia scream "OH NO CHARLIE" and that's that.
Things are ruined, damaged, broken, and he doesn't even know what he just did.
He says "Oh no."
I can't fix it, maybe my husband can help me sort out of some of it. I'm frustrated and I hurt and I'm tired. I'm tired of Autism screwing up my entire life. I selfishly want to scream. And I know I don't have it that bad. But I should be able to spend 2 minutes in my kitchen making grits. I wasn't even gone that long.
I would not trade my twins for anything, but some days I'd like someone to hit. A whipping boy for Autism. Someone from Monsanto. They are probably not guilty of this, but since they're guilty of so MANY other things why not.
It's a frustrating morning in a frustrating life. But I have to go now, because I have a 9 year old pooping his pants. Perfect.