A Mommy Blog About Raising Men, Not Boys.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Railroad Crossing Safety - It's Not Just for Intellectuals

When I was about 7 my family moved into a house that was situated about 50 feet or less from a railroad crossing and tracks. After a while we got used to the trains roaring through the backyard, shaking the dishes, rattling the window casings. I've seen a train blow through town with it's snowplow on - making huge waves of snow as it cleared the tracks. After a while you don't even notice the roar of the horn.

We weren't allowed to play on the tracks though. My brother and I spent a lot of time watching trains roll past, waving at the engineers as they went by. I'm old enough that I can tell you that sometimes we waved at the guys in the caboose too. But play on the tracks? No. Our dad taught us how to feel for the tremor in the tracks, and how to never be fooled about HOW FAR AWAY we thought that train was.

Here we are, about 25 feet from a railroad crossing.

Around the time this picture was taken, I went to the window to watch the train go by, as usual. While I was standing there, watching - a car rolled up onto the tracks .......AND STOPPED.

"DAD!" I yelled, "A car is stopped on the tracks and the train is coming!" To which my dad yelled back "WHAT?" and in that amount of time, the train came around the bend in the track, LAYING ON THE HORN the train barreled into the car - hitting it and sending it spinning like a top. Fortunately for the guys in the car the train was going slow, coming through town, and they weren't hurt. I was interviewed by the railroad attorney about what I saw and had to describe it in detail.

Do you know what I saw? I saw some idiots drive onto the track and stop. Turns out they were stoned to the gills and thought that they were stopped at the crossing in the right place.

Since then, I've had a pretty strong opinion about rail crossing accidents. The instances you hear of that are TRUE accidents are so few and far between that if you filled a gymnasium full of people who had been in railroad crossing accidents and set off a grenade you'd be hard pressed to hit anyone whose event hadn't occurred because of their own stupidity.

That beautiful blonde boy on my lap in the picture up above grew up to be an engineer. He drives a bajillion ton locomative down the tracks, pulling freight from Point A to Point B daily. And guess what, if you get in his way, he can't stop.

He can't swerve.
He can barely slow that big bitch down.

If you get in his way, he wins. Every time.
And he doesn't really WANT to. He's a good guy. But you people of the earth don't seem to get it, this whole concept that the rails are not places of entertainment and are in fact DANGEROUS seems to have escaped the public.

So when THIS came out, you can imagine that my eyebrows when up. Oh really? Most are preventable?

It's very very very true that many people died in the past when the arms didn't go down, or the lights didn't flash. But ummm, folks.....not to be a total dick here - but trains are not vehicles of STEALTH. They don't SNEAK online the track, creeping up to GET YOU when the lights and arms fail.

And I don't mock the four people out there who had real tragedy, I really don't.

But see that little blonde haired boy? Twice recently, some of you have put yourself in front of the giant missile on wheels he pilots. And guess what.

He won.

Not really fair to do to someone who used to be so little, so sweet, and who - despite the fact that he is a grown up now - still has the heart of a little boy who loves trains.

Stay off tracks people. Be safe.

For all of our sakes.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Why Blogging Can Matter

I am a self indulgent blogger. I don't blog for charity or for the public good. I don't blog about ISSUES or causes or ever even try to engage in meaning or controversy.
I'm kind of a self absorbed jerk.

I blog my joy, and my pain, and the things I do in the same self important way that people who give you a tour of their house are showing off what they have. Check me out, I say. This is me. I know you think I'm cool.

Except I don't believe that at all. And just when I think that despite the potential of blogging, that we don't really matter, that it doesn't make one whit of difference, I get this comment.......

Natalie has left a new comment on your post "Flight 5191 and the Loss of Bobby Meaux": Bridgett,I dated Bobby a long time ago and have been thinking of him often since the one year is approaching. I caught myself with a rubber band around my wrist the other day and it reminded me of him. I could not remember which wrist he wore it on but thanks to the picture on your blog, I found my answer. Thank you for giving me a chance to see him again. I miss him more than I could ever imagine.

We're making a record. A record of things that don't matter, and of things that do. And sometimes they are the same things. It's the wonderful duplicity of the blogosphere.

I sit here, with tears in my eyes, remembering Bobby wearing the IU tshirt during the NCAA championships, pointing at his chest and grinning, saying "HOOSIER FAVORITE?". He gave me the shirt when I left the company, and I in turn wore it to his funeral.

Natalie, I also miss him more than I could ever imagine. I'm glad I was able to show him to you.
He was one of the best people I ever knew.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Lotsa Locks Of Love

It's official.

We've cut the hair.

And we've donated three beautiful heads of hair to Locks of Love.

We went to a place that specializes in kids cuts and cut for free if you were donating to Locks of Love. Lil Satchmo had to have the most radical cut as his hair was shortest.

We let Baby Birdman go next because we figured in a high level of crazy factor since this was was his FIRST haircut.

He was surprisingly sane. Because his hair was nice and long we were able to go with a hip, longer haircut. The lady said it's what all the cool kids are wearing.

And last we let Eddie Vedder's son go, Baby Birth of Cool with all his beautiful brown curls. He was the one who acted like a fool, of course.

And of course he is the one who now has shorter hair and the CURSE of shorter hair, that while being beautiful, all those curls are going to make him look like Willie Ames I'm sure. He'll either be the kid who insists on getting a buzz or who is a model for Guess, it'll be one or the other.

Blogher In Second Life - We SURVIVED YOU NOOBS

Some Notes from the Second Life version of the BlogHer Conference.
First of all, it extremely awesome for all of us regulars to be able to participate in both events simulcast from Chicago......as well as participate in special events geart toward Us Second Life Only participants. It was interesting to hear Elizabeth Edwards, although I might be the only female that came out of it liking her far less than I did when I went into the conference. But that is neither here nor there, really. The point is that I sat in the comfort of my own home AND was able to enjoy the conference. So, Nice Job Erin and all the people at Blogher And Hyperstring who made it all possible. Above is me watching Elizabeth Edwards - to the right you see me and Queen hanging out. We are soooo skinny in SL.

Now just a note for next year. To those of you who want to participate next year, who either participated this year but won't be back to SL for a year, or you think that you will WANT to next year because we're all still raving about it. (yeah we sort of are, it ruled), just some thoughts.

Noobs (this means new players, and it's only meant derisively if you act like a tard vs. acting like a NEW person), my noob friends. SL has system requirements. There are minimum system requirements to running the World, and if you load it up and your system crashes EVERY time you play five or six minutes into the process, GUESS WHAT guys, you don't have the system requirements. This is exactly like every OTHER program that your PC runs on so I'm not sure why this is news......but some of you seemed FLABBERGASTED that your PC from 2000 wouldn't run SL. It's not that we don't love you and wish you could participate, but when you keep showing up screaming about your PC crashing, well........you get the idea.

Another thing that I hope Blogher puts out there as a requirement is a longer birthdate for next year. Your SL birthdate is your Born On date, they day you created your Avatar. You need some practice in SL before you can be expected to participate and ENJOY Second Life. It's a little tricky. There are basics you need to know. You wouldn't attend a conference where everyone was speaking in sign language without embracing some of the basics so you would have an idea what was going on would you? No, you wouldn't. Because showing up at a conference being held in sign language and raving constantly about not knowing what is going on.......that would be sort of insane.


So. Let me be more honest with you.

We loved having you guys there despite that. All of us regulars in SL were glad to have you there, because we knew it was important - and like us - you couldn't make it to Chicago and you REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted to participate. So thanks for coming guys. Just practice a little before next year. We're all there to help - so keep your eye out for us next time around, we'l be glad to take you shopping and teach you what you need to know. (Here we Bloghers are Dancing the Night away thanks to the ROCKERS at Sanctuary Rock - Thanks Daisy! I'm the one in pink with Purple hair!)

Who knows, with enough effort, even you might have hair to match every outfit. But I'll tell you, it's a lot of work ladies. And Sarah, I do not look like a hooker. You clearly have not SEEN the hookers in Second Life.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Can't Blog I'm at BLOGHER

See, I'm at Blogher

And, I'm at Blogher.

In my Jammies with Bedhead extraordinaire..........

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Blogher In Second Life Is Now A Family Affair

Look for Gidge Uriza (me) or Pheobe Lane (real life Sisters in Law!) at the Blogher Conference Center, we'll be manning the booth for this blog as well as the Vicious Studios Booth. We have Freebies and cheap stuff + raffles in both booths! Be sure to enjoy a chocolate martini at the Live From the Wang of America booth! And you can find either Pheobe Lane or Gidge Uriza in people search, feel free to add us to your friends list! We'll be glad to see you and say hi!
Raffles Include Lindens and Gift Certificates to Coconut Ice! And next door to the Vicious Booth,
Virtual swag is overflowing - be sure to come see us!

Monday, July 23, 2007

To the Mofos Who Used to Rent This Appt

You have certain hopes when you rent an apartment. You hope for good sunlight.

And big closets, and a nice floor plan without a lot of wasted space.

But thing you shouldn't HAVE to hope for, is that the stupid mofos who rented the place before you didn't discharge the fire extinguisher into the oven and then not notify anyone. Because if that happens, the next people, people LIKE ME, have this problem with their oven. It sort of smells. It doesn't heat properly. And then one day the dad in the family has a eureka moment and grabs the fire extinguisher from under the sink.


So he spent today vacuuming out the stove per the instructions on the internet (we previously thought they had used oven cleaner and not wiped it out properly) and cleaning it out.

I certainly hope those dry chemical laced cookies I served last night don't give us all hideous forms of cancer in 10 years.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Can't Attend Blogher In Chicago - Then Attend in Second Life

This is just a reminder that you have lots, LOTS and lots of time to sign up for Blogher in Second Life. One of the SMARTEST ladies I know told me that she thought Second Life was beyond her and her circle, which is completely insane. If I can do it, ANYONE can do it promise you that. Trust Gidge Uriza.
I know the Queen already told you and I already told you but I'm here to tell you again.
First, go to Second Life. It's free. You create an Avatar and pick a name and it takes you to orientation island where you learn how to move and not look like a complete dork. It's not really important that you not look like a dork to enjoy the conference, but you'd probably enjoy it more if you could do simple things like fly or not fly at will. Sounds simple? Well when you are new, it can be a challenge, so that is what orientation island is for. If you can use a keyboard, you can master it.

Next go here and sign up for Blogher in Second Life. You can also find the schedule of events here.

I hope to see you there, not only at my booth, but at the Vicious Booth as well, where low priced clothing and hair are available.

And I do mean really low cost, about 10 Lindens for clothes or hair. Plus, we have lots of freebies available there for you to pick up! The owner of Vicious Studios will also be raffling off $500 Linden the first day of the conference so please stop by. PLUS he's offering special promotions for blogher participants at his retail outlet, so be sure to pick up a notecard for details when you stop by!

I'm most excited to tell you that I've joined with the owner of Coconut Ice to bring you some super cute freebies in my own booth AS WELL as I will have Coconut Ice Gift Cards to Raffle off!!!! That's right! But you have to come to my booth and touch the raffle ball! Prizes will be awarded to AVs attending the conference and you DO have to be in the conference center to win, so no coming by, touching the raffle ball and then never coming back!! And, I might just decide to award some 500 Linden Coconut Ice Gift Cards to SL Blogher Attendees who comment on this blog.......hmmmm, do I feel a contest coming on? I might!!!

Saturday, July 21, 2007


Here it goes.....In Ten Seconds Or Less

I'm a 38 year old 16 year old. I have three kids and no patience. I work full time as a customer service manager at the best company in the world and I blog too much, and spend too much time playing video games and not enough time working out.

I love reading books but never do, and I love hard rock and horror movies but never watch them anymore. I miss my friends, I don't have any here in my new state and I'm so lonely some days it hurts. I have my husband but it isn't the same. And having friends scattered across the country isn't the same as having one best girlfriend to talk to.

And lately, I really really love Blueberry Pop Tarts.


Some Thoughts From a 4 Year Old

Last Night Lil Satchmo says to me, "Mom, I miss Florida." I got all teary eyed and said, "Oh baby I miss it too." And running through my mind where Nikki,Scott,Donna,Leslie,Kurt and Roni.........and days like THIS.......where my college friend and sorority sister Christa came to FLA with her family to visit. And days like THIS where ran off to the John Ringling art museum and I was able to look at five thousand year old jewelry and gorgeous works of art and then lounge on John Ringling's back porch.

And I was feeling so homesick that I started to cry and as tears rolled down my face he says "But I like Georgia too. I think it's pretty cool here and they have a lot of the same stuff."
So I sucked up the tears and said "Oh really? They do?"
"Yeah Mom, they got a train at the mall to ride, that is cool just like Tampa," he elaborates. "And they got parks. And........
Well, they speak English here."

More English than in Tampa........truth be told.......


Lil Satchmo is also apparently working on plot revisions for ISHTAR.
I'm changing twin diapers and putting on jammies. A little voice behind me says "Mom, what was Ishtar about?" Ummmm. Ishtar. I remember it a little. It was already legendarily bad by the time I got around to watching it on HBO but I pulled from my memory banks as I grabbed some wipes.
"Ummm, It was a movie with two famous actors in it. It was a terrible movie, ummm, what was it about? Ummmm, hand me the Buzz Lightyear jammies. I remember they were trying to write a song or something. And then, I don't remember how but they ended up in the desert - you know I don't really remember what the PLOT was."
Lil Satchmo "Where there any animals in it?"
Me "Ummm, probably, I can't remember, maybe camels?"
Him "Were there any meat eaters?"

Me "Well - I don't know? Maybe?"

Him "It probably would have been a lot better movie if there had been some meat eaters."

I wonder if he has any ideas to improve this hideous movie poster. I should beg the Kaiser to photoshop in a T-Rex over the camel........

Be sure to check out our latest contest over at Props and Pans.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

For the Weekend We Zipped off to the Mountains

I lived in a big flat state with hills down south. I lived in a state surrounded by beach. And now I live in a state with Mountains AND Beach. I think that's pretty cool. What I didn't realize when we moved here, was that if you drive up north and wind around the hilly roads eventually, you turn a corner.......and VOILA.
You're in the Alps.
Did you know? I mean I HEARD they had a cute little village but who KNEW? Full of shops and restaurants. And the COOLEST Train layout some little boys I know had ever seen - at Charlemagne's Kingdom.

Fresh mountain air, a day of shopping and dinner at German restaurant made for a fun family day out. And one how can you not like a German village that features Elvis driving around handing out beads.
And best of all - they had a candy Factory selling CHOCOLATE DINOSAURS!! Just like in the Old Country.


Wednesday, July 18, 2007

How Do You Know You Are A Total Douche?

When Jon Lovitz beats your ass.

Well Done Lovitz.

I hope Smoking Gun or someone comes up with some Cameraphone video or something. Surely SOMEONE got some video of this catastrophe.

If this guy just kicked your ass, it's over man.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

The One Where I Talk About PMS


I should've known when I chewed my husband's head off for warning me that the cat was going to scratch me that Aunt Martha's Big Red Bus was on it's way.

But, I didn't.

I did,however, enjoy walking into the restroom at work this morning and in my only semi-caffeinated state, attaching a pad upside down to my hoohah. That's right. Sticky side facing the wrong way. Actually got out of the stall before I realized it. Then had to do a weird little dance/wriggle that was SHORT of actually walking to get back into the stall, to PULL it off of my pubes (yeah Erin and Sarah I don't wax it all off, bite me) and let me tell you................................................................pulling adhesive off your pubes at 8:45 am is really a fine coffee substitute. Because I was WIDE awake without the benefit of another cup of that beverage, while at about 8:40 I had been lamenting having not brought a cup from home......suddenly that need was completely squashed.

I also had hideous nightmares last night, I should've known.


Beer + Advil.




In other news, I'm eating my weight in Blueberry Poptarts.

I am pretending it is PMS related. Who knew they tasted good with Beer?


Be sure to check us out over at Props and Pans. Product Reviews for Real People!

Monday, July 16, 2007

A PSA For Mothers of Girls

This past weekend, I went someplace that you need to go.
I went here.
That is right.
I went to Babyland.
Where the REAL Cabbage Patch Kids are Born.
BORN I say! The hospital where the babies wait for you to adopt them

Or there are big Cabbage Patch Kids, who are waiting for you to take one of them home. Don't you want to take one of them home? You can see them at play in the playground or at work in the school room.
Or, you can have a SPECIAL DELIVERY! We were lucky enough to see a baby born right out of the cabbage patch, going home with the lucky little girl who was next to us.

I swear my ovaries nearly reached out and grabbed my husband and DEMANDED A GIRL while we were watching the delivery.

I may just go back and get a Cabbage Patch Doll. It's certainly quicker.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Blogher is Coming to Second Life!

And it's free! Why haven't you signed up yet? I went to all the trouble of sponsoring a booth. Two of them even.
Here is the first one. At my booth you can pick up a lovely suit for next to nothing and I'll have some freebies there for you too, so you don't have to wear the hideous noob attire that you can gor free when you sign up.
How do you sign up?
It's easy.
Go HERE. Fill out the forms.
Go to Second Life - www.secondlife.com and make yourself an Avatar. Don't worry that you don't look GORGEOUS like me - we'll fix you up.

And no you don't have to be a Goth Princess or a Glamour Girl - that's the beauty of Second Life, you can be whomever you like.
Take a look at the conference schedule for Second Life Blogher if you need more convincing.

Lost in Translation - Georgia Style

My Husband calls a salon to ask some questions about Locks of Love.

Husband : Your website says you cut for locks of love?
Salon: Yes, but it has to be 10 inches in length minimum.
Husband: Okay well we have three very small boys........
Salon: I was talking about the hair.
Husband: Ummmm, so was I?


At dinner in a German Restaurant in Helen, Georgia.
The family is winding up the meal.......I set my beer glass down.
Waitress appears.
Smiles at family.
Asks me "Would you like another Hubby Bison?"
I stare at her.......my face glazes over as I engage my inner babel-fish..........I get nothing.

Then I remember the words of my old roommate Jeff, who was the only guy who could understand the owner of the local Chinese restaurant "Listen with an accent."

Hubby Bison............

HEFE WEIZEN..............

"No thank you, we'll just take the check."

Friday, July 13, 2007

You NEVER Finish

I was going to link to Zeroboss but I can't get his site to work.
I felt it was vitally important to share this, however.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Spiner-Femmes Rejoice!

So like every other 30something Yuppie in North America, I watched the LIVE EARTH concert and I really just have to ask one question.
How long has Commander Data been playing the skins for Smashing Pumpkins?

Notes from the Trenches, Or Some Unrepentant MommyBlogging

I have this friend named Janet who lives in Kentucky. Sometimes when she is blathering on in a serious heat about something, and you really are thinking "does your train of thought have a caboose" she'll lay her hand on your arm and say "Girl I know, I just have to GET IT OUT, so let me finish."
I think blogging is that.
I have to get it out.
So, let me finish.

Today I will be reading from the book of "The Breadth of the Parenting Experience, or How Your Night Can Go from Tender to Horrific in 30 minutes."

Last night I was having one of those mommy moments, brushing teeth, reading stories, tucking into bed, etc etc etc. Kisses are distributed, night-night's wished and as I'm getting ready to stop across the gate I hear Baby Birdman say "Mama?" so I turned around and walk back over to his bed. And he smiles and says "Night Night".

I walk away feeling all tender and mommyish and full of the hope of fertility and joy. Don't LAUGH. You other mommies out there get that way too, even if you aren't ever having MORE kids......those moments fill me with joy, and I forgive him for nearly killing me with pain when he was born.......I even forget it.

I get a beer, I turn on a show about preserving the dead on the history channel.

30 minutes pass. I flip on BIG LOVE on HBO. And I hear Baby Birth of Cool SOBBING.

Hmmmm, Mommy must investigate. Halfway down the hall.....I smell it.

Liquid brown death.

I step over the gate. Baby Birth of Cool has the quilt up to his face, shielding himself from the Vapors. Baby Birdman, however, Baby Birdman has dipped his hand into the Diaper of Death, and is PAINTING.
Painting......with poop.

On his pillow.

Tender Moment........over.

Friday, July 06, 2007

You Googled WHAT?

I hadn't looked in a while to see HOW you were getting here, but Sarah reminded me how much fun it can be. And while I'm not getting hits for ANAL FIESTA like she is (ooo but maybe I will NOW!).
At first I was a little bored but as usual, you freaks of nature out there really came through for me again. I love you all. Keep coming at me.......and
you folks at PENISSIZELINKS.
God Bless you.

Best thing that ever happened to my traffic. I shall blog MORE about large penises on ROME and any other large penises I can get info on, I swear - just to see the hits roll in. Nice to see you size queens in the audience. A big hello to all of you. :)

Anyway, just some fun googles that got you here.....

* Paramount Pizza Palace - yeah this place rocks. If you are in the area, I recommend it mightily.
* Sly Stone - Okay I am a dork we have established that.
* Gyno Chair - I get this one a lot. Seriously, I never have been in a Gyno CHAIR. Table yes. Foot in stirrups, livin la vida loca. Chair? Not so much.
* Words to the Downward Spiral - Seriously how sad were you that you landed here, my Goth NIN worshipping friend?
* TSA Stemware - I don't think they have this. But I think they should. Like, if you get selected for one of their random extra special searches and you are CLEAN, you should get a piece of stemware. Then it'd be a game to complete the set. "Only four more body cavity searches and I can get the Gravy Boat!"
* Sam Adams Summer Ale - Very good stuff. It's summer, drink some.
* Bitchy Betty PMS Doll - Ummmm, yeah I don't know this one. Does this exist?
and my favorite.......
* Why were there guys wearing diapers in Sarasota? - I SO do not know the answer to this one. But, I'm thinking you were not at the Amish restaurant I liked so much.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Come on People Now, Smile On Your Brother

Everybody get together try to Love One Another Right Now.

Especially, if one of you is REALLY afraid of fireworks.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Oh My God I Am Insane

I just read this twice.
And I misread it every time.

I thought it said "Sly Stallone."

And, despite the PHOTO of Sly Stone.......I just was completely confused all the way through.

I'm thinking "WHAT contribution to music? Missing gigs? What gigs?"

Good grief.