Yesterday was one of those days. I had this really good day. I came home in a pretty good, upbeat mood and had my plans for the evening in my mind. I was going to spend a little time talking to some friends, I didn't have long but I was looking forward to it. I had worked out, I was in a pretty good place.
Then one child who is sick made another child who is autistic start screaming. I was seconds away from a nice normal chat with nice normal people and then...
From that moment on I didn't have one moment that wasn't filled with rage or sorrow or manic laughter I think. I didn't get to talk to my friends. I exploded at the sick child because WHY WHY WHY would you do that why would you make him scream?
I sat and cried and cried by myself on the sofa, inconsolable. I could've waited till the screaming stopped and then talked, but I can't explain the feeling of just being defeated by life. I didn't want to call people and start sobbing on the phone. Who the hell wants to talk to someone sobbing?
That's it in a nutshell. Last night I was defeated by life.
Maybe it was stress and emotions I've been tabling built up. Maybe it was just one of these so called waves of grief that people like to make little inspirational pictures about. Maybe it was just me coming unhinged. Every single thing that happened (nearly) made me cry, or want to rage.
I just know I failed at dealing with myself and I hate that.
I'm not fine. But I don't know what I am or what I need.
I just know that whatever it is, probably doesn't exist.
Picture of Pee Wee, because why not?