So tomorrow at 7:36 am I turn 47. That photo is from the day I was born. I was born 9 pounds and 1 ounce with a head full of red hair that fell out the first week.
I realized today while doing something close to nothing (but different than they paid me for) that this is the first birthday in my life without my mom. Without my mom I wouldn't have a birthday. Now, I have a birthday without my mom. That's a terrible concept. But it's a reality, one of many firsts that are rolling past me and my family between now and NEXT Sept 1st. We'll have the first of everything without mom.
They'll all be worse.
Ok they probably won't. But sitting her considering it, I can't imagine that they wouldn't be better if she WERE here. I can't manage to factor in how ready she was to die, how ok with it all she was. She would be suffering if she were here, she wouldn't be herself. And I definitely loved my mom more than to want that for her.
I managed to go nearly a week without breaking down crying out of the blue but now I've failed because I've realized I won't call Mom in the morning to hear her tell me Happy Birthday. I won't call Dad either, because he can't hold the phone.
I'll do me things, and I'll do family things, and I'll do things with work friends and that will be fine.
It'll probably even be great.
But it won't be the same ever again, and I kind of hate that this is how it works.
My mom made the doll I am holding in this silhouette she had made of me when I was little. I wish I still had it. It was wonderful.
Happy Birthday to me tomorrow. I made 47. I wouldn't mind another 47.