I won't be able to fix typos today, and for that I apologize. That's mostly because I'm MOSTLY numb right now. I think the correct term is muscle fatigue. It's a thing that's good for you. Like most things that's good for you, it's bullshit.
I don't mean it's bullshit in a "this is an untrue thing" sort of way. I mean, it's a big ball of terrible and miserable and it makes you feel bad in some way that is supposed to make you feel good on the other side of whatever barrier you have to get through. At some point in time, I will feel great afterward. I will feel strong, and positive and like this.
That day has not arrived.
I have not eaten right, I have not worked out enough and I only have myself to blame. There is this part of me, though, that is just pissed off because I CAN remember this not hurting so much. I can remember not feeling DREAD AND DESPAIR at the thought of the work out. Maybe I didn't love it but I didn't just think how much more I'd like to go eat some chocolate covered cherries. (The cheap ones from Walmart, not the good ones). I guess in my big long constant justification stream, I don't want it to be EASIER I just want it to NOT HURT SO FUCKING MUCH.
I burned off 300 calories allegedly a few minutes ago, and perhaps that's true as I'm still struggling to use my arms properly. My legs will be fine if I just sit here.
The worst part to me lately is while I am working out, I feel pissed off. Not at me, not at my diet or my weight, or the fact that working out is requisite. I don't feel a calm and peace, or sense of renewed energy. I don't get whatever you get from endorphins or whatever. (I have never experienced this and consider it a lie, like cuddling after sex.) As I'm slogging away hauling my own body weight up and down a sliding board I start thinking of all the shit I'm pissed off about.
And I get madder.
By the time I get off, the people I am pissed off at are lucky they aren't in my sight, because I would probably set them on fire. My time of introspection and personal improvement just ends up being 30 minutes of me getting wound up about things that I have done my best to ignore and push away, or at least let go because they weren't worth me being upset about anyway.
It feels like if I ramped up my workouts the way I actually should, I would end up being one really hard to get along with bitch.
Luckily I'm not armed.