That's the missing piece from my life. Rationality.
Autism doesn't know rational. My oldest and my youngest child know rational. My husband knows rational. Autism, though, doesn't.
It's that phrase I think of on hard days. I'm smart, I'm capable, and I love my children fiercely. I won't love the autism that has two of them so confused and challenged, but I love them. I can and will deal with this and make it work. Somehow. WE will make it work.
But when your head clears and the tears stop, you hit this moment of reason. Why not? Why weren't you supposed to? Was there a contract? Were there promises made by a supreme being? "Gee you've been so good in XYZ lives that THIS time, we'll give you one without hardship. WELL DONE!"
What you are promised, in fact, is nothing. Not even tomorrow.
If a genie came by today and said I will trade you Miles and Charlie for two different children, and those children will be 100% normal in every way, yet they will not be yours, I would decline. Every bad thing that ever happened to me is a drop in the bucket compared to what has happened to other people.
I do not lack the alchemy to make this worthy.