In what I consider to be a very annoying turn of events, I've been diagnosed with post-partum depression.
Truth be told, I pretty much already knew I had it. My complete disinterest in everything in the world, my lack of interest in blogging, my lack of desire for changing my clothes for days on end - yeah - I'm not an idiot. I knew I was wallowing in depression. Then there was the agoraphobia which may or may not be settling in. I had a panic attack in a shop in North Carolina, I was convinced someone in there was going to speak to me - WHICH I DID NOT WANT. I don't know why. I just desperately did not want them to talk to me.
I also felt overwhelmingly like I did not know how to BE in a shop.
Which makes no sense. I realize this. I didn't know........how to shop. What I was supposed to be doing. And I felt like everyone was staring at me.
It also happened at Walmart with the exception that I KNEW how to be at Walmart, I just again was gripped by the sense that everyone was staring at me, and that someone was going to speak to me.
So I went to my OBGYN yesterday and he asked me how I was and I rather burst into tears.
And he said "Yeah,that's what I thought. I could tell you weren't yourself when I walked in."
So I walked out with a prescription for Lexapro which has a list of side effects a mile long. And while he said it's the consensus that it's safe to take while you breastfeed - the bottle says DO NOT TAKE WHILE BREASTFEEDING and let's face it, how BRIGHT could it possibly be to take on the off chance it could even slightly alter my beautiful girl?
I'm supposed to be aware when driving or using heavy machinery. NO FORKLIFT FOR ME!
I haven't taken any yet.
I don't want to.
I WILL take them. I just have to get my mind around it. I used to work at a place where EVERY SINGLE FEMALE PEER was on some sort of anti-depressant. It was more fashionable than the FGWP at Clinique. I have always held fast to the belief that being depressed was a signal to make changes, to examine your life and do what you needed to do to improve - NOT TO MEDICATE YOURSELF.
And yeah, I do realize that some people are truly chemically imbalanced. But I don't think we all can be.
So I dunno what to think. I had a good day at work. I wasn't scared or worried while I was there. I came home reasonably happy and I'm holding the small pink love of my life in my arms. (Not to be confused with the small blue loves of my life or the larger blue love of my life).
But....I realize I need something. I'm not right. Dear god no one should get nervous at the Walmart - except from the sight of the damn PEOPLE of Walmart, not the place.
So.....this should be interesting. To say the least.
I leave you, with a vid of my big boy - jousting at the Renn Faire.