Things On My Mind

So I went for my normal visit to my rheumatologist and it turns out some of my tests weren't so good. This was the first time I ever had a real problem, I really just usually go to keep on the look out for Felty's syndrome which my Mom has, and to watch my vitamin D. But this time, at my follow up, she came in and took my hands and said "your results weren't so good, we're going to have to do some more tests."

So we did 16 vials of blood worth of tests.

They have the results. I know they have the results because to receptionist TOLD me that they do.

However, I've been waiting now for two days for a call back to hear about this not so good diagnosis.

It could be lupus, could be rheumatoid arthritis. It could be some kind of cancer. It could be who knows what. But it's something.

I don't feel particularly bad, I'm not desperate for some sort of treatment. In fact, unless it's mandated by the condition I probably won't DO anything. But I'd like to KNOW what is going on. And I'd like to know RIGHT NOW.

So I wait and worry. And hope. Really, if I have to roll the dice, I'll go with good old rheumatoid arthritis any damn day.

Let's hope it's that one.
Tweet

Things On My Mind

So I went for my normal visit to my rheumatologist and it turns out some of my tests weren't so good. This was the first time I ever had a real problem, I really just usually go to keep on the look out for Felty's syndrome which my Mom has, and to watch my vitamin D. But this time, at my follow up, she came in and took my hands and said "your results weren't so good, we're going to have to do some more tests."

So we did 16 vials of blood worth of tests.

They have the results. I know they have the results because to receptionist TOLD me that they do.

However, I've been waiting now for two days for a call back to hear about this not so good diagnosis.

It could be lupus, could be rheumatoid arthritis. It could be some kind of cancer. It could be who knows what. But it's something.

I don't feel particularly bad, I'm not desperate for some sort of treatment. In fact, unless it's mandated by the condition I probably won't DO anything. But I'd like to KNOW what is going on. And I'd like to know RIGHT NOW.

So I wait and worry. And hope. Really, if I have to roll the dice, I'll go with good old rheumatoid arthritis any damn day.

Let's hope it's that one.
Tweet

It Was Poop Side Up !

This is a diary post of my morning. Enjoy.

At 5:17 am I was awoken by the feeling of being watched. Charlie was beside me, whispering "I want." What? No idea. I reached over and felt his diaper - it was soft so no pee, and no smelly yuck. I whispered to him to go to bed. His dad offered him a drink of water, and said the same. He wandered off.

An hour later Miles scooched into my bed, snuggling and pressing his face into my neck until he found his spot and we both drifted off. About 7:30 he whispered to me "Get up." I looked at the clock, and said "No, bedtime."

He wandered off, I feel back asleep.

At 8:30 ish he came back and touched my face and said "Get up." I was fully loaded with vitamin D and a night's sleep, so I said - ok. I noticed Charlie was in Julia's room and Julia was asleep in Charlie's bed, as I wandered into the bathroom. I had four children, so the first thing I do upon waking is hobble to the bathroom cuz, gotta pee.

I'm sitting there, contemplating my morning. It was early. I'd have time to make a nice breakfast, blog, consider how to do my hair today hell maybe look on pinterest for Up Do ideas and then Charlie came bouncing into the bathroom.

Covered in poop.

Nothing gets you of the toilet faster than poop everywhere.

When I say everywhere, I mean all over his shirt and inside of his pajamas and his industrial giant pull up was full to the breaking point, in fact had broken, with a horrible eruption that had occurred. I'm blaming the Taco Bell we had for dinner but really who knows. Autistic kids often have tummy problems and this is someting that does happen with my Charlie sometimes.

The husband was up instantly and he went on poop patrol - seeking out damage and ready to do disinfection in any room that had been desecrated, and I set about scrubbing the child and the clothes clean and getting him changed.

He did the Lysol duty while I scrubbed the inside of the pajama bottoms with alcohol and a baby wipe and I sat them on the side of the tub, then started to move them realizing they were in a bad place.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING DON'T MOVE THEM THEY WERE POOP SIDE UP!"

That's when I started giggling.

Whether or not the inside of my 9 year old's pajamas were laying poop stain side up, was the first conversation I got to have with my husband this morning. I can't tell you why it was funny. It just was.

I washed my hands about 8 times and took the little ones to have breakfast downstairs. I called Charlie in for a HEALTHY dose of Immodium because, we're going to see the Dutch Masters at the HIGH today and I am not having him poop all over the museum.  After he took it, I pointed him to the water cup on the counter and told him to take a drink if he needed one.

When I turned around he was taking all of the water cups, and putting them on the table, in the right places.

"I help," he said.

This was my morning.

Tweet

It Was Poop Side Up !

This is a diary post of my morning. Enjoy.

At 5:17 am I was awoken by the feeling of being watched. Charlie was beside me, whispering "I want." What? No idea. I reached over and felt his diaper - it was soft so no pee, and no smelly yuck. I whispered to him to go to bed. His dad offered him a drink of water, and said the same. He wandered off.

An hour later Miles scooched into my bed, snuggling and pressing his face into my neck until he found his spot and we both drifted off. About 7:30 he whispered to me "Get up." I looked at the clock, and said "No, bedtime."

He wandered off, I feel back asleep.

At 8:30 ish he came back and touched my face and said "Get up." I was fully loaded with vitamin D and a night's sleep, so I said - ok. I noticed Charlie was in Julia's room and Julia was asleep in Charlie's bed, as I wandered into the bathroom. I had four children, so the first thing I do upon waking is hobble to the bathroom cuz, gotta pee.

I'm sitting there, contemplating my morning. It was early. I'd have time to make a nice breakfast, blog, consider how to do my hair today hell maybe look on pinterest for Up Do ideas and then Charlie came bouncing into the bathroom.

Covered in poop.

Nothing gets you of the toilet faster than poop everywhere.

When I say everywhere, I mean all over his shirt and inside of his pajamas and his industrial giant pull up was full to the breaking point, in fact had broken, with a horrible eruption that had occurred. I'm blaming the Taco Bell we had for dinner but really who knows. Autistic kids often have tummy problems and this is someting that does happen with my Charlie sometimes.

The husband was up instantly and he went on poop patrol - seeking out damage and ready to do disinfection in any room that had been desecrated, and I set about scrubbing the child and the clothes clean and getting him changed.

He did the Lysol duty while I scrubbed the inside of the pajama bottoms with alcohol and a baby wipe and I sat them on the side of the tub, then started to move them realizing they were in a bad place.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING DON'T MOVE THEM THEY WERE POOP SIDE UP!"

That's when I started giggling.

Whether or not the inside of my 9 year old's pajamas were laying poop stain side up, was the first conversation I got to have with my husband this morning. I can't tell you why it was funny. It just was.

I washed my hands about 8 times and took the little ones to have breakfast downstairs. I called Charlie in for a HEALTHY dose of Immodium because, we're going to see the Dutch Masters at the HIGH today and I am not having him poop all over the museum.  After he took it, I pointed him to the water cup on the counter and told him to take a drink if he needed one.

When I turned around he was taking all of the water cups, and putting them on the table, in the right places.

"I help," he said.

This was my morning.

Tweet

Wow Vitamin D Ok I Get It

I woke up this morning after 8 solid hours of sleep, and felt like I weighed 600 pounds. I hit snooze three times. I sat up finally, overwhelmed with TIRED, wondering when I could get back into bed for a nap.

I wandered downstairs to brew a cup of ambition (thank you Dolly Parton for the metaphor) and every step down the stairs was like being made of lead. Step. Wait. Step. Wait. My brain is screaming JUST GO OMG STOP BEING SO SLOW and my body is responding NO.

I brew a pot, take a few drinks and feel the tingle of caffeinated energy take hold. I can actually feel the clouds parting around my brain, and as I'm getting the cats water dish it hits me.

Vitamin D.

I'm out. I've been out like three days.

Vitamin D is, if you don't recall, the ultimate super drug in my world. I apparently store it much at all and the result is mind numbing fatigue and aches.

I'm at the end of one pot of coffee, a small pot, and am getting ready to hit the door to get to work. I'll make it.

But Oh MY GOD I need some vitamin D.

Tweet

Wow Vitamin D Ok I Get It

I woke up this morning after 8 solid hours of sleep, and felt like I weighed 600 pounds. I hit snooze three times. I sat up finally, overwhelmed with TIRED, wondering when I could get back into bed for a nap.

I wandered downstairs to brew a cup of ambition (thank you Dolly Parton for the metaphor) and every step down the stairs was like being made of lead. Step. Wait. Step. Wait. My brain is screaming JUST GO OMG STOP BEING SO SLOW and my body is responding NO.

I brew a pot, take a few drinks and feel the tingle of caffeinated energy take hold. I can actually feel the clouds parting around my brain, and as I'm getting the cats water dish it hits me.

Vitamin D.

I'm out. I've been out like three days.

Vitamin D is, if you don't recall, the ultimate super drug in my world. I apparently store it much at all and the result is mind numbing fatigue and aches.

I'm at the end of one pot of coffee, a small pot, and am getting ready to hit the door to get to work. I'll make it.

But Oh MY GOD I need some vitamin D.

Tweet

Failing Dairy

So, of late I've had this stomach thing going on that's different from my USUAL stomach thing. Beyond the reflux and burning and whatever that I keep at bay with medicine, I've had this weird thing happen when I eat.

Sometimes when I eat, I will feel suddenly so full that I feel like I'm going to be sick. It occurred to me one night that, the exact feeling was that sensation that your food hasn't gone down right, that your stomach isn't emptying. The food seems to just SIT there, like I'm having some weird random bout of gastroparesis. The best way I can describe it is, you know the moments before the nausea but you know you ARE going to throw up?

That feeling.

It was hard to pinpoint at first. My first challenge was, I never eat LARGE meals. I just can't, I suppose related to my other stomach issues. So, my meals aren't that big so I should NOT feel like I just gorged at the buffet. Next it was just so random, it wasn't every meal it just seemed to pop up so randomly.

The first moment it popped up isolated that I pinpointed it was at work. I grabbed an ice cream out of the machine at work, and sat back down at my desk, nibbling and doing my thing when suddenly.........OH GOD YUCK my stomach went from hungry to overfull and bloated.

I told my friend Christine I had just had ice cream, and she immediately said DAIRY.

I considered it, and I meant to pay more attention but didn't for a couple of weeks. But I've been miserable on and off for a couple of days and then I decided I had to notice. In the morning after my breakfast yogurt, ugh misery.

Dairy.

I started reading about lactose intolerance. I'm giving it a maybe and decided that I would try to avoid dairy this weekend which I've already failed. Our mashed potatoes for dinner had butter and sour cream mixed into them, however they didn't bother me. I didn't put butter on my roll. I had pork loin, mashed potatoes and green beans and a roll, and no stomach problems at all.

So then. I HAD dairy but no problem.

This morning though as I was making the twins breakfast, I was pouring chocolate milk and took a drink to lower the level of milk in the cup (sure that's why), and within a few moments my stomach was UGH FULL.

My food intake as of that moment in time was two viactiv chews for my vitamin D and calcium, a glass of water, and that sip of chocolate milk.

Dairy.

I don't even know what to think but I'm going to figure it out and if I have to stop eating dairy I guess I will. It's a miserable feeling so I feel like it's a small sacrifice but man I will miss Greek yogurt because it's truly the best stuff ever for breakfast.

This is my surprised face. I don't know why. But it made me laugh.

Tweet

Failing Dairy

So, of late I've had this stomach thing going on that's different from my USUAL stomach thing. Beyond the reflux and burning and whatever that I keep at bay with medicine, I've had this weird thing happen when I eat.

Sometimes when I eat, I will feel suddenly so full that I feel like I'm going to be sick. It occurred to me one night that, the exact feeling was that sensation that your food hasn't gone down right, that your stomach isn't emptying. The food seems to just SIT there, like I'm having some weird random bout of gastroparesis. The best way I can describe it is, you know the moments before the nausea but you know you ARE going to throw up?

That feeling.

It was hard to pinpoint at first. My first challenge was, I never eat LARGE meals. I just can't, I suppose related to my other stomach issues. So, my meals aren't that big so I should NOT feel like I just gorged at the buffet. Next it was just so random, it wasn't every meal it just seemed to pop up so randomly.

The first moment it popped up isolated that I pinpointed it was at work. I grabbed an ice cream out of the machine at work, and sat back down at my desk, nibbling and doing my thing when suddenly.........OH GOD YUCK my stomach went from hungry to overfull and bloated.

I told my friend Christine I had just had ice cream, and she immediately said DAIRY.

I considered it, and I meant to pay more attention but didn't for a couple of weeks. But I've been miserable on and off for a couple of days and then I decided I had to notice. In the morning after my breakfast yogurt, ugh misery.

Dairy.

I started reading about lactose intolerance. I'm giving it a maybe and decided that I would try to avoid dairy this weekend which I've already failed. Our mashed potatoes for dinner had butter and sour cream mixed into them, however they didn't bother me. I didn't put butter on my roll. I had pork loin, mashed potatoes and green beans and a roll, and no stomach problems at all.

So then. I HAD dairy but no problem.

This morning though as I was making the twins breakfast, I was pouring chocolate milk and took a drink to lower the level of milk in the cup (sure that's why), and within a few moments my stomach was UGH FULL.

My food intake as of that moment in time was two viactiv chews for my vitamin D and calcium, a glass of water, and that sip of chocolate milk.

Dairy.

I don't even know what to think but I'm going to figure it out and if I have to stop eating dairy I guess I will. It's a miserable feeling so I feel like it's a small sacrifice but man I will miss Greek yogurt because it's truly the best stuff ever for breakfast.

This is my surprised face. I don't know why. But it made me laugh.

Tweet

6:27 AM

There is a large human male to my right snoring. There is a smaller human male, much smaller, to my left, sleeping on my arm. There is a human female laying on top of me, clutching a stuffed tiger named Tigger. There seems to be a matchbox car on my shoulder, possibly a book.

This isn't that unusual. It's not actually in any of those parenting books, but I'm sure someone somewhere would call it attachment parenting. Personally, I just call it parenting. Is there detachment parenting? I digress...

I lay there, swaddled in humans, and take stock of how I feel.

I haven't had an awesome few days, and I didn't post because really oh my GOD can I really continue to post "Hey I feel bad and now I went to THIS doctor" ? Even I am weary of it.

I had to take an antivert pill on Monday night, because the vertigo was creeping up on me, but I forgot I had decided to take only half a pill and thus spent the last 24 hours mostly in a fog. Antivert is a hell of a drug. It's the opposite of cocaine I suspect. It's a bit of medical irony, I finally get my exhaustion and fatigue under control with vitamin D and now I have to take a pill that puts me right back into that place and then some.

I realized, glancing at the clock again, that I actually felt quite good. So the pill had worn off. Put this on the check list of good things so far today.

The other thing I noticed was, my foot didn't hurt. The story on my foot is that I have a mostly healed stress fracture and severe tendinitis but my physical therapist called it tendinosis which she says is, like worse, so whatever. My foot is hurty. I am now doing physical therapy to make it less hurty. I did my first physical therapy yesterday and learned that ice can burn. NOT A FAN OF THAT.

But, something they did must've worked because it doesn't much hurt today. It only hurts a wee bit today as I've walked a bit now.

I've got Heath bar flavored coffee creamer and, I feel pretty good for the first time in days. So far, the only bad part of my day was having to unwrap myself from my tiny and big humans and climb out of that snuggle factory of a bed.

But even that wasn't so bad. I get to get back into it again tonight, and there will be snuggles.

It feels like it's going to be a pretty good day.

random picture. because I can. :)


Tweet

6:27 AM

There is a large human male to my right snoring. There is a smaller human male, much smaller, to my left, sleeping on my arm. There is a human female laying on top of me, clutching a stuffed tiger named Tigger. There seems to be a matchbox car on my shoulder, possibly a book.

This isn't that unusual. It's not actually in any of those parenting books, but I'm sure someone somewhere would call it attachment parenting. Personally, I just call it parenting. Is there detachment parenting? I digress...

I lay there, swaddled in humans, and take stock of how I feel.

I haven't had an awesome few days, and I didn't post because really oh my GOD can I really continue to post "Hey I feel bad and now I went to THIS doctor" ? Even I am weary of it.

I had to take an antivert pill on Monday night, because the vertigo was creeping up on me, but I forgot I had decided to take only half a pill and thus spent the last 24 hours mostly in a fog. Antivert is a hell of a drug. It's the opposite of cocaine I suspect. It's a bit of medical irony, I finally get my exhaustion and fatigue under control with vitamin D and now I have to take a pill that puts me right back into that place and then some.

I realized, glancing at the clock again, that I actually felt quite good. So the pill had worn off. Put this on the check list of good things so far today.

The other thing I noticed was, my foot didn't hurt. The story on my foot is that I have a mostly healed stress fracture and severe tendinitis but my physical therapist called it tendinosis which she says is, like worse, so whatever. My foot is hurty. I am now doing physical therapy to make it less hurty. I did my first physical therapy yesterday and learned that ice can burn. NOT A FAN OF THAT.

But, something they did must've worked because it doesn't much hurt today. It only hurts a wee bit today as I've walked a bit now.

I've got Heath bar flavored coffee creamer and, I feel pretty good for the first time in days. So far, the only bad part of my day was having to unwrap myself from my tiny and big humans and climb out of that snuggle factory of a bed.

But even that wasn't so bad. I get to get back into it again tonight, and there will be snuggles.

It feels like it's going to be a pretty good day.

random picture. because I can. :)


Tweet

Then There Was My Foot

I would describe it as comedy except it's not funny. I would worry about having developed a wee bit of Munchausens's syndrome except that, I'm really not enjoying it not even sub-consciously I promise.

My never ending parade of doctors goes on though,  I think at 43 you require more doctors than at 33 or 23. This SEEMS to be true. I've seen more "ologists" in the past six months than I've seen in my whole life.

The neurologist who treated me for the brain cloud has declared me brain cloud free. That's a good thing except for the fact that they don't know why I got dizzy and my brain got numb and stuff. So, we'll call that the Brain Cloud and move on I suppose.

Then after my surgery last week which I survived, it was on for a follow up to my rheumatologist who rocked my life by adding more vitamin D to my world . I had some blood work done to check my levels and turns out, even after the monster doses I took and my daily supplements I'm still freaking low, at 22 which is just above the line of MADLY deficient. So back to mega doses and then more mega doses plus daily supplements. I told her that I really felt much better, but since my level was like 12 last time, she said "Think how great it's going to be be when you feel GOOD." So I guess YAY for that eh?

While I was there, my foot came up.

Funny thing about my right foot. It's really hurt for a long time. New shoes hurt. Old shoes hurt. I got the new shoes because I thought it was the old shoes. I have sneakers and work shoes and summer sandals with a wedge heel. They all hurt a bit. Some more than others.

Another funny thing, my rheumatologist is a wee woman with the ability to put your thumb into your flesh into a way that makes grown men weep. So I showed her where my foot hurt, and she put her thumb so far in my foot I think the nuckle was hidden and wiggled it around while I GASPED FOR AIR AND PRAYED FOR DEATH, and then said "Oh, that's a break. Did you break your toe or anything recently?"

Yes I did. IN 2011.

So, xrays and a bone scan to determine the extent of the break is coming and then we figure out what to do ABOUT MY FOOT

F

M

L

Tweet

Then There Was My Foot

I would describe it as comedy except it's not funny. I would worry about having developed a wee bit of Munchausens's syndrome except that, I'm really not enjoying it not even sub-consciously I promise.

My never ending parade of doctors goes on though,  I think at 43 you require more doctors than at 33 or 23. This SEEMS to be true. I've seen more "ologists" in the past six months than I've seen in my whole life.

The neurologist who treated me for the brain cloud has declared me brain cloud free. That's a good thing except for the fact that they don't know why I got dizzy and my brain got numb and stuff. So, we'll call that the Brain Cloud and move on I suppose.

Then after my surgery last week which I survived, it was on for a follow up to my rheumatologist who rocked my life by adding more vitamin D to my world . I had some blood work done to check my levels and turns out, even after the monster doses I took and my daily supplements I'm still freaking low, at 22 which is just above the line of MADLY deficient. So back to mega doses and then more mega doses plus daily supplements. I told her that I really felt much better, but since my level was like 12 last time, she said "Think how great it's going to be be when you feel GOOD." So I guess YAY for that eh?

While I was there, my foot came up.

Funny thing about my right foot. It's really hurt for a long time. New shoes hurt. Old shoes hurt. I got the new shoes because I thought it was the old shoes. I have sneakers and work shoes and summer sandals with a wedge heel. They all hurt a bit. Some more than others.

Another funny thing, my rheumatologist is a wee woman with the ability to put your thumb into your flesh into a way that makes grown men weep. So I showed her where my foot hurt, and she put her thumb so far in my foot I think the nuckle was hidden and wiggled it around while I GASPED FOR AIR AND PRAYED FOR DEATH, and then said "Oh, that's a break. Did you break your toe or anything recently?"

Yes I did. IN 2011.

So, xrays and a bone scan to determine the extent of the break is coming and then we figure out what to do ABOUT MY FOOT

F

M

L

Tweet

Vitamin D Apparently Fixes Everything

For the past few years, I've been overwhelmed with tired. People would tell me "You have three kids, you have two special needs kids, you have four kids, you work full time, your life is stressful, you made the Kessel Run in 12 Parsecs - OF COURSE YOU ARE TIRED."
But, they didn't get it. I wasn't tired. I was dead.
It didn't matter how much I slept. I woke up every day not with a sense of dread and depression, but with this desperate mood of "How long until I can get back into bed."
If I sat still too long, I'd fall asleep. I wouldn't even remember laying down at night, that's how quickly I was asleep every night.
As for how I was feeling otherwise, long days of overwhelming fatigue and aching and just feeling like I can't do this one more day, yet the next day would come and the next and the next and more days than I can remember yet I never felt better.
It never got better.

My husband had to start seeing a rheumatologist for several autoimmune disorders, and because of my family history, he signed me up for an appointment. When I went, I told her about my family history and she checked me for all the joint paint and did lots of Xrays then ordered ALL the bloodwork.

I will assume it was ALL the bloodwork as they took 8 vials.

The result was, no rheumatoid arthritis, no psoriatic arthritis, no lupus, no nothing really glaring , a bit of osteoarthritis in my old bad knee from basketball, but "only" a  bit.

However, my vitamin D? Didn't really HAVE any. My score was like 7. I don't know out of "what".

So she put me on a dose that is like 50,000 units a week plus I take supplements every day.

The first two weeks I didn't feel any change and was about to call bullshit when.....I woke up one day.

And I felt really good.

LIKE A HUMAN AGAIN.

I wake up every day feeling good. I don't spend my day counting how long until I can go to sleep. People at work talk about being tired and I realized, I'm not. It's like suddenly I AM ME AGAIN and I can't believe something as simple as vitamin D can jack up your whole life. But it can.

I kind of want to evangelize about it but I don't want to be annoying. But taking vitamin D gave me back my LIFE again, my WILL to have my life again. God I feel better.

Tweet

Vitamin D Apparently Fixes Everything

For the past few years, I've been overwhelmed with tired. People would tell me "You have three kids, you have two special needs kids, you have four kids, you work full time, your life is stressful, you made the Kessel Run in 12 Parsecs - OF COURSE YOU ARE TIRED."
But, they didn't get it. I wasn't tired. I was dead.
It didn't matter how much I slept. I woke up every day not with a sense of dread and depression, but with this desperate mood of "How long until I can get back into bed."
If I sat still too long, I'd fall asleep. I wouldn't even remember laying down at night, that's how quickly I was asleep every night.
As for how I was feeling otherwise, long days of overwhelming fatigue and aching and just feeling like I can't do this one more day, yet the next day would come and the next and the next and more days than I can remember yet I never felt better.
It never got better.

My husband had to start seeing a rheumatologist for several autoimmune disorders, and because of my family history, he signed me up for an appointment. When I went, I told her about my family history and she checked me for all the joint paint and did lots of Xrays then ordered ALL the bloodwork.

I will assume it was ALL the bloodwork as they took 8 vials.

The result was, no rheumatoid arthritis, no psoriatic arthritis, no lupus, no nothing really glaring , a bit of osteoarthritis in my old bad knee from basketball, but "only" a  bit.

However, my vitamin D? Didn't really HAVE any. My score was like 7. I don't know out of "what".

So she put me on a dose that is like 50,000 units a week plus I take supplements every day.

The first two weeks I didn't feel any change and was about to call bullshit when.....I woke up one day.

And I felt really good.

LIKE A HUMAN AGAIN.

I wake up every day feeling good. I don't spend my day counting how long until I can go to sleep. People at work talk about being tired and I realized, I'm not. It's like suddenly I AM ME AGAIN and I can't believe something as simple as vitamin D can jack up your whole life. But it can.

I kind of want to evangelize about it but I don't want to be annoying. But taking vitamin D gave me back my LIFE again, my WILL to have my life again. God I feel better.

Tweet