When I was little, I passionately read all of the Little House on the Prairie books. I even read the later ones, THE FIRST FOUR YEARS , which most girls I knew didn't. I loved them, and the stories of a family growing and changing.
There was one part of the story I'll never forget.
Laura has a miscarriage. She didn't know she was pregnant.....and suddenly she's stricken with the pain and loss of miscarriage. She says of it, that she is surprised how easy it is to have a baby, and how hard it is not to have one.
Who knew a pioneer woman would nail it so concisely?
I found out I was pregnant over two weeks ago,when a test showed me a purple plus sign.
It explained the nausea, the ickiness,the overwhelming sleepiness. And my breasts started to hurt.
For days, my husband and I were surrounded with joy - because another little beam of light was coming to live with us and if nothing else we are baby people. We adore them. Despite the stress and the chaos and the financial burden, nothing fills our hearts like our children.
It was good news.
I told my family, breaking the "tell no one before 12 weeks" rule. I made a doctor appt.
And I was ready. Plans were starting to form and the idea of a bassinette in my room felt very real.
The Saturday before Christmas shopping I stumbled to the bathroom at 6am to pee, and blood stained my toilet paper.
I crawled into bed and told my husband I had lost the baby. He reassured me, he held me, reminded me I spotted with the other two pregnancies at this time. I remembered - Implantation - was that it?
So we waited.
And the spotting continued. I called the doctor, and they put me on a hormone to help "prolong" the pregnancy until I could be seen after Christmas. The Doctor on Call using phrases like "at your age" which made me want to THROTTLE HIM. "FUCK YOU MADONNA HAD BABIES LATE FUCK YOU - PEOPLE HAVE BABIES LATER NOW DON'T YOU DARE SAY I AM TOO OLD TO HAVE BABIES YOU FUCK WAD!"
And the spotting continued.
And got worse.
So I went to the doctor and they did a urine test. Which was positive. But, they saw nothing on the ultrasound. So we did a blood test. To test the HGH. The plan, as stated, was that if the HCG was positive (which he anticipated) that I would then come back in a few days for a second blood test to see if the HGH was going up or down. If it went down, I was miscarrying.
So I went to work.
And started to bleed for real.
Back in the day, your friends came over. They brought casseroles, and your mom could take your kids for a few days. You could grieve with your spouse over your loss. During a modern miscarriage I sat and delivered developmental feedback to employees, made schedule changes for '08. Planned for the future.
Even as one possible future leaked out onto a maxipad in my panty hose.
Over the past weekend, everything concluded itself, as my body expelled the human it tried to grow along with everything else in my uterus.
Laura Ingalls Wilder was right.
It is much easier to HAVE a baby than to not have one.