The Duplicity of Being Me

I think it's a normal state of being, wanting two divergent things at the same time. Things which are mutually exclusive can both be desireable and I suppose that the trick is to to realize that sometimes, just sometimes you have to live with that fact and find the silver lining in the bits that aren't so desirable.

A perfect example of this would be my children. I love them. Of course that's rather an implied state of being, but I can't really do without mine. I woke up this morning in the cool air conditioning and listened to the snoring, drooling mess that are my three boys sleeping soundly. I peeked at my girl,

also slack jawed and drooling and felt an intense sense of WHOLENESS knowing all my children were under our roof. My husband rolled over and went into a deeper and more comfortable slumber as I slipped downstairs to enjoy some coffee alone.

I crave my alone time. I crave my SILENT time. I can watch whatever I want - today I opted for Orange is the New Black. I already know the spoiler so I'm braced for it. I sat quietly and watched one episode before my tiny humans began their parade downstairs.

After breakfast I announced I was going upstairs to blog and have some more ME time. This is MOM CODE for "So leave me alone unless you are bleeding or trapped under something heavy." I took my coffee and made my way to the dark maze that is our computer room.

The light in that room is about 3/4 of the way across the room. I navigated through the dark with my coffee and managed to get past Godzilla and a wooden child's chair, stepped on what might've been a small plastic dinosaur and made it to the light.

That's when the duplicity of being me really started to shape up. My hearts desire is my children all around me. There actually isn't a condition on that, except that just EVERY ONCE in a while I want them all around me ON MY TERMS. So just be there and look cute and be quiet? Mmmmkay?

It doesn't work like that. My joy at them being near faded just a little as Miles came upstairs and proceeded to start to throw a tantrum at his PC. Why? Not sure. But he starts stomping and screaming and then he tries to shove his chin into my face (chinning, one of an autism parents least favorite thing) and has a screaming tantrum about X. X is unknown. Solve for X.

He was sent to have some quiet time and then Julia came in and decided to ONLY play games that she needs me for. I'm having ME time. Remember? I just want a little more. I want to clear my headspace...I need a mental recharge. I need ME TIME recreation.

Except that now my coffee is cold and then GONE because they're coffee thieves.

So I half-halfheartedly play my stupid game, and then I think maybe I'll go watch a movie with the oldest boy,  who then comes up to tell me he wants to watch Maze Runner which is too scary for the little ones so can I keep them upstairs.

Sure.

I've got my wish. My children are all home. I'm annoyed. My children won't leave me alone.

The truth is I'd take my most annoyed day over the alternative because that's unthinkable.

So I reset my brain and start thinking about something special for lunch. Maybe we'll go to the park or play outside or I don't know what. I might just make waffles for lunch. Who knows?

They're all home. I couldn't be happier.


(But I'd still like to play video games alone sometimes. Just sayin'.)




Tweet