We've Got A Long Way To Go...

I decided last week that I was going to get back on focusing on making myself more healthy as of today. I was at a record low number the day before Dad died, and then I ate like Jabba ever since. I hit a number and managed to hover and there I've been since November.  I decided that through the holidays I was going to be content to just HOVER there. A pound up, a pound down this way or that and I didn't mind. I wasn't going to go berserk, I was going to eat and enjoy my holidays but not graze and stuff myself.

I failed a bit on that last part but mostly I didn't. I didn't work out much, I didn't focus on water, I just let myself exist. It was intense relief, not considering my food all fucking day I have to admit it.

Today however I'm back on it. I did have sugar in my coffee and no regrets but even that will have to go except for maybe once in a while. It's time to get serious again. I know I'm not ever going to be model thin. I sometimes say I want to lose another 100 pounds but that's not really realistic I know. However I'm going to shoot for that number and somewhere along the way I think I'll find the place that feels right.

What I want is to be healthy. I want to diminish my risks for things like diabetes (Dad and Mom had it), of liver and kidney disease (Mom had it), heart disease (Dad had it). I know I can't ever completely eradicate them but I can't accept that I didn't TRY.

So I'm trying. Or - I'm doing, as it were.

Not eating a ton of junk is the easy part to me. I'm always just sort of hungry and I've learned to deal with that. I think that hunger is mental and it fades into real hunger and I try to eat things that aren't total crap and deal with the fact that I would over eat every opportunity I have, if I let myself. So, I don't let myself.

Working out is the struggle.

I could go on about how much I fucking hate it but there's no point. This body needs it. But you can't just go full tilt back into where you were because bodies don't work like that. That's how you get hurt. I decided to do circuit training tonight on the total gym and set the timer at 30 minutes, thinking "If I can just do 20 tonight...just 20 minimum." I knew I wouldn't make the full 30 as the muscle fatigue began to wear me down. My legs began to get numb and ache at the same time, my shoulders and arms began to scream. I thought god I have to be about done right? It's been along time...

I glanced at my timer...17 minutes.

OH GOD ONLY 17 minutes in and I don't even know if I can keep going UGH STUPID BODY WITH NO MUSCLE TONE WHY ARE YOU SO WEAK???

Now maybe it's because I was a music major, or maybe it's WHY I was a music major but music always plays a huge part in how I feel, and I always find that sometimes a song can push me this way or that. It can make me sadder, it can make me stronger, it can make me consider my life even a ridiculous pop song can sometimes say things to me I doubt were truly intended. Music makes my world a better place, and I can't count the number of times a song has randomly come on that changed me at that moment.

So there I am, pulling pulling on the total gym, muscle fatigue taking over, shaking in all my extremities and I think "DAMMIT 17 DAMN MINUTES REALLY???" when it happens. The plucking and planking of banjo and suddenly blasting through my Pandora 70s Country Music channel....

JERRY REED....Eastbound and Down.....

You wanna know where I found another 3 minutes I needed to at least get to 20 minutes for my work out today? From that hillbilly Jerry Reed twanging his guitar and suddenly I'm singing along and busting my ass because BY GOD I am getting to 20 minutes.

I've got a long way to go, and a short time to get there.

Just put that hammer down and give it hell...

Hell yes.

20 minutes. Done.

Thanks Jerry.

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We've Got A Long Way To Go...

I decided last week that I was going to get back on focusing on making myself more healthy as of today. I was at a record low number the day before Dad died, and then I ate like Jabba ever since. I hit a number and managed to hover and there I've been since November.  I decided that through the holidays I was going to be content to just HOVER there. A pound up, a pound down this way or that and I didn't mind. I wasn't going to go berserk, I was going to eat and enjoy my holidays but not graze and stuff myself.

I failed a bit on that last part but mostly I didn't. I didn't work out much, I didn't focus on water, I just let myself exist. It was intense relief, not considering my food all fucking day I have to admit it.

Today however I'm back on it. I did have sugar in my coffee and no regrets but even that will have to go except for maybe once in a while. It's time to get serious again. I know I'm not ever going to be model thin. I sometimes say I want to lose another 100 pounds but that's not really realistic I know. However I'm going to shoot for that number and somewhere along the way I think I'll find the place that feels right.

What I want is to be healthy. I want to diminish my risks for things like diabetes (Dad and Mom had it), of liver and kidney disease (Mom had it), heart disease (Dad had it). I know I can't ever completely eradicate them but I can't accept that I didn't TRY.

So I'm trying. Or - I'm doing, as it were.

Not eating a ton of junk is the easy part to me. I'm always just sort of hungry and I've learned to deal with that. I think that hunger is mental and it fades into real hunger and I try to eat things that aren't total crap and deal with the fact that I would over eat every opportunity I have, if I let myself. So, I don't let myself.

Working out is the struggle.

I could go on about how much I fucking hate it but there's no point. This body needs it. But you can't just go full tilt back into where you were because bodies don't work like that. That's how you get hurt. I decided to do circuit training tonight on the total gym and set the timer at 30 minutes, thinking "If I can just do 20 tonight...just 20 minimum." I knew I wouldn't make the full 30 as the muscle fatigue began to wear me down. My legs began to get numb and ache at the same time, my shoulders and arms began to scream. I thought god I have to be about done right? It's been along time...

I glanced at my timer...17 minutes.

OH GOD ONLY 17 minutes in and I don't even know if I can keep going UGH STUPID BODY WITH NO MUSCLE TONE WHY ARE YOU SO WEAK???

Now maybe it's because I was a music major, or maybe it's WHY I was a music major but music always plays a huge part in how I feel, and I always find that sometimes a song can push me this way or that. It can make me sadder, it can make me stronger, it can make me consider my life even a ridiculous pop song can sometimes say things to me I doubt were truly intended. Music makes my world a better place, and I can't count the number of times a song has randomly come on that changed me at that moment.

So there I am, pulling pulling on the total gym, muscle fatigue taking over, shaking in all my extremities and I think "DAMMIT 17 DAMN MINUTES REALLY???" when it happens. The plucking and planking of banjo and suddenly blasting through my Pandora 70s Country Music channel....

JERRY REED....Eastbound and Down.....

You wanna know where I found another 3 minutes I needed to at least get to 20 minutes for my work out today? From that hillbilly Jerry Reed twanging his guitar and suddenly I'm singing along and busting my ass because BY GOD I am getting to 20 minutes.

I've got a long way to go, and a short time to get there.

Just put that hammer down and give it hell...

Hell yes.

20 minutes. Done.

Thanks Jerry.

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On The First Day or Christmas...

Santa came, and the magic happened Christmas morning. My favorite part of Christmas presents is noting how much someone loves what you chose, and how sometimes they seem more interested in something you didn't work too hard on but the thing you really thought was amazing they're like meh. It's not bad, it's just an interesting phenomenon to watch. For instance, Baymax here is a favorite of two children who have now agreed to joint custody because no one can agree who he belongs to.
Who knew?

It was a Star Wars themed holiday on many fronts (AND THAT IS FURTHER PROOF THAT ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD IN MY OPINION) and everyone was pretty happy with that.

...even if Kylo Ren is a little bitch and really just the worst, but I'll hush because SPOILERS.

Elsa came to live with us and there were lots of fan favorites, and I think everyone was pretty happy in general. For me it was a bittersweet day. Today for the first time since I moved out I didn't call my parents. I couldn't sleep the night before. Christmas Eve I lay in bed feeling ill. I felt like Christmas couldn't come. How could Christmas even come without my Mom and Dad? I hadn't realized last winter as Mom came out of the hospital that all the "illness" she was having was end stage liver failure. I feel like someone should've said something to us, but maybe they told her and she didn't feel like telling it. We'll never know.

Watching the kids just have a normal day, an amazing Christmas full of the magic and joy that is that day was hard. It's hard to imagine how my kids don't feel this empty space, but I'm glad they don't. I'm glad no one else feels this at my house. The silence is deafening.

Christmas isn't about things. It's about love, and family, and remembering what is important.  It's about knowing that time is finite and every moment matters. My husband did this amazing job of creating that sort of Christmas for me this year. I think he knew that I was just plodding forward and trying to keep my shit together, even though most days I wasn't "feeling" very Christmassy.

The girl got an American Girl doll, which my mother always wanted her to have. They created them when I was a little too old for them, which I think made my mom sad. She asked me more than once if I wanted one, and always would add "I know you're a little old for them." I always turned her down. I wish I hadn't. So Julia has her first one, and now we can do all the things my mom and I used to talk about doing such as go to the Cafe with the doll. And buy the things for her from the catalog - my mom got the catalog for years, and I know she loved it as much as my nieces. 

My husband tickled my fancy with one of the toys from my childhood and we might just break it out today, the PLAYSKILLS set from Readers Digest. It had a ton of games and activities for people to do with their children. My grandmother ordered it and told me to go play with it. Heh, not exactly how it was supposed to work but oh well. 

My living room is trashed. There is a crazy race track set up taking up a huge amount of space. Half of my children and playing with strange and random toys.

And that was how Christmas was. My first Christmas as an orphan was spent surrounded with love, with the family that my husband and I have built over the past 18 years, My children practically glowed with the fun of what they got as gifts, and as the day wore on their joy at playing together was evident. I can't remember the last time they all sat down on the floor to play something, but that giant race track was something everyone loved.

Is something - it's still set up.

Today I have about 100000 things I want to accomplish but I feel like I'm not going to do any of them and maybe that's ok. Maybe today I'm just going to relax and enjoy the fact that I have a house, a family, plenty to eat, a great career and more than enough recreation in my life.

It's the most wonderful time of year. 

No really, it is. 

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On The First Day or Christmas...

Santa came, and the magic happened Christmas morning. My favorite part of Christmas presents is noting how much someone loves what you chose, and how sometimes they seem more interested in something you didn't work too hard on but the thing you really thought was amazing they're like meh. It's not bad, it's just an interesting phenomenon to watch. For instance, Baymax here is a favorite of two children who have now agreed to joint custody because no one can agree who he belongs to.
Who knew?

It was a Star Wars themed holiday on many fronts (AND THAT IS FURTHER PROOF THAT ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD IN MY OPINION) and everyone was pretty happy with that.

...even if Kylo Ren is a little bitch and really just the worst, but I'll hush because SPOILERS.

Elsa came to live with us and there were lots of fan favorites, and I think everyone was pretty happy in general. For me it was a bittersweet day. Today for the first time since I moved out I didn't call my parents. I couldn't sleep the night before. Christmas Eve I lay in bed feeling ill. I felt like Christmas couldn't come. How could Christmas even come without my Mom and Dad? I hadn't realized last winter as Mom came out of the hospital that all the "illness" she was having was end stage liver failure. I feel like someone should've said something to us, but maybe they told her and she didn't feel like telling it. We'll never know.

Watching the kids just have a normal day, an amazing Christmas full of the magic and joy that is that day was hard. It's hard to imagine how my kids don't feel this empty space, but I'm glad they don't. I'm glad no one else feels this at my house. The silence is deafening.

Christmas isn't about things. It's about love, and family, and remembering what is important.  It's about knowing that time is finite and every moment matters. My husband did this amazing job of creating that sort of Christmas for me this year. I think he knew that I was just plodding forward and trying to keep my shit together, even though most days I wasn't "feeling" very Christmassy.

The girl got an American Girl doll, which my mother always wanted her to have. They created them when I was a little too old for them, which I think made my mom sad. She asked me more than once if I wanted one, and always would add "I know you're a little old for them." I always turned her down. I wish I hadn't. So Julia has her first one, and now we can do all the things my mom and I used to talk about doing such as go to the Cafe with the doll. And buy the things for her from the catalog - my mom got the catalog for years, and I know she loved it as much as my nieces. 

My husband tickled my fancy with one of the toys from my childhood and we might just break it out today, the PLAYSKILLS set from Readers Digest. It had a ton of games and activities for people to do with their children. My grandmother ordered it and told me to go play with it. Heh, not exactly how it was supposed to work but oh well. 

My living room is trashed. There is a crazy race track set up taking up a huge amount of space. Half of my children and playing with strange and random toys.

And that was how Christmas was. My first Christmas as an orphan was spent surrounded with love, with the family that my husband and I have built over the past 18 years, My children practically glowed with the fun of what they got as gifts, and as the day wore on their joy at playing together was evident. I can't remember the last time they all sat down on the floor to play something, but that giant race track was something everyone loved.

Is something - it's still set up.

Today I have about 100000 things I want to accomplish but I feel like I'm not going to do any of them and maybe that's ok. Maybe today I'm just going to relax and enjoy the fact that I have a house, a family, plenty to eat, a great career and more than enough recreation in my life.

It's the most wonderful time of year. 

No really, it is. 

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Christmas Thunder

I awoke on both Christmas Eve and Christmas morn to the sound of thunder. (how far off I sat and wondered). It's pouring rain with flood watches and we've had the AC on for two days. At least in Florida it would be properly sunny and hot, this "I'm not really winter but I'm not lovely weather either" business is the worst.
Regardless of the weather that made no sense, we had to get ready for the arrival of Santa! And Santa needs FUEL!

Gingerbread was our choice of Santa fuel this year, and everyone except Charlie wanted to participate. Charlie doesn't like to do anything that smells like work.

I should've given baths after cookie making, as they got messy. Oh well. Julia insisted on making Santa a heart shaped cookie so he would know she loves him.

Miles however is always is always ready to help when it's baking or cooking time. He knows what to do and is ready to participate, but he needed a little help from Louis getting the cookie out of the cutter.

I had put out the "Christmas" themed cutters but Miles and Julia both had their own ideas, and Miles chose a flower -to go with Julia's heart cookie, I guess. But he said flower and was excited about it so, hey, why not?

Louis had to make sure we made some Ninjabread men (thank you Kristine, they're still a hoot) and so with that we got our assembly line of cutting going.

While the cookies cooled I cleaned up a bit and did some other things and while time passed, it seems like a little mouse came in and demolished two cookies and left this one reminder that he was there...

That HAD been a perfect heart cookie for Santa...thank goodness we cut more than one of them. I'm not sure who the mouse was, but strangely, shortly after this tragedy was noticed Charlie appeared desperately needing water. Hmmmm...

Once cooled it was a family effort to get them iced. Julia declared that she had to ice hers pink and put a J on it with decorative candies so Santa would know it was from her.

How could he not know?

We ended our night with much needed parental eggnog, and the nonbooze version for Louis and Charlie. We had some Shrek Christmas on the TV.

I am not sure what Charlie likes more, the eggnog or the homemade whipped cream. Every year we make it homemade and every year I wonder why anyone would ever buy it. Homemade is really just the best, most brilliant thing.

Julia drug out the advent calendars and set to work hunting the number 24. The candy in them is just terrible, I'm kind of surprised. I guess the only ones I ever had in my youth were from Germany and had German chocolate in them. Maybe I will order them from overseas next time?

We set out our special heart shaped cookie and milk and headed to bed. Thunder boomed throughout the night on and off but I don't think Santa much cared.

When I awoke, magic had taken place over night.

And now I wait for the munchkins to awake...
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Christmas Thunder

I awoke on both Christmas Eve and Christmas morn to the sound of thunder. (how far off I sat and wondered). It's pouring rain with flood watches and we've had the AC on for two days. At least in Florida it would be properly sunny and hot, this "I'm not really winter but I'm not lovely weather either" business is the worst.
Regardless of the weather that made no sense, we had to get ready for the arrival of Santa! And Santa needs FUEL!

Gingerbread was our choice of Santa fuel this year, and everyone except Charlie wanted to participate. Charlie doesn't like to do anything that smells like work.

I should've given baths after cookie making, as they got messy. Oh well. Julia insisted on making Santa a heart shaped cookie so he would know she loves him.

Miles however is always is always ready to help when it's baking or cooking time. He knows what to do and is ready to participate, but he needed a little help from Louis getting the cookie out of the cutter.

I had put out the "Christmas" themed cutters but Miles and Julia both had their own ideas, and Miles chose a flower -to go with Julia's heart cookie, I guess. But he said flower and was excited about it so, hey, why not?

Louis had to make sure we made some Ninjabread men (thank you Kristine, they're still a hoot) and so with that we got our assembly line of cutting going.

While the cookies cooled I cleaned up a bit and did some other things and while time passed, it seems like a little mouse came in and demolished two cookies and left this one reminder that he was there...

That HAD been a perfect heart cookie for Santa...thank goodness we cut more than one of them. I'm not sure who the mouse was, but strangely, shortly after this tragedy was noticed Charlie appeared desperately needing water. Hmmmm...

Once cooled it was a family effort to get them iced. Julia declared that she had to ice hers pink and put a J on it with decorative candies so Santa would know it was from her.

How could he not know?

We ended our night with much needed parental eggnog, and the nonbooze version for Louis and Charlie. We had some Shrek Christmas on the TV.

I am not sure what Charlie likes more, the eggnog or the homemade whipped cream. Every year we make it homemade and every year I wonder why anyone would ever buy it. Homemade is really just the best, most brilliant thing.

Julia drug out the advent calendars and set to work hunting the number 24. The candy in them is just terrible, I'm kind of surprised. I guess the only ones I ever had in my youth were from Germany and had German chocolate in them. Maybe I will order them from overseas next time?

We set out our special heart shaped cookie and milk and headed to bed. Thunder boomed throughout the night on and off but I don't think Santa much cared.

When I awoke, magic had taken place over night.

And now I wait for the munchkins to awake...
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Christmasaurus Rex

It was too warm to be Christmas holidays but we went down on Saturday to the Fernbank to spend some time and maybe catch some of their activities.

I'm not sure, why but I think we could go to the Fernbank every day and the kids would like. I guess dinosaurs are that magical. They have a lot of other things, but there's something about the dinosaurs that is just undeniable.

They had a Christmas tree scavenger hunt and Julia proudly found all of the items on the trees. She then told the docent that she had found them all and it was ok to put them away, the game was over. Apparently the game was just for her.

Fernbank is someplace we've been coming since we moved here, and I've kind of watched my kids grow up in this place, taking the same pictures over and over through time since back when we were five instead of six.

I'm glad we went but I wish we went more, and maybe that's something we'll do a better job of in the new year. Since Mom and Dad died I've just been hard to motivate. I want to do stuff and make things awesome with the kids but I find myself unable to think much past the chair I'm sitting in a lot of the time.

I asked my mom once, a long time ago, how she managed to not just completely fall apart when our baby died. She told me she didn't have that luxury, she had me, she had to keep going the best she could because she had a little girl who needed her.

That's kind of me right now. I'm keeping going the best I can. I'm moving forward and trying to do things and not always succeeding but every single day I just want to lay in my bed.

That's not true now that I think about it. It's not true that I want to lay in my bed. I don't know what I want. So I try to keep going and keep moving and I figure it'll sort out eventually. I don't have the luxury of falling apart. I have four little children who need me, and I won't fail them.
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