I was giving the twins a scrub down, with my too big shorts on, and my grubby work tee shirt that I live in when I'm not at work (irony?) and I looked at my slightly sweaty, pony tailed self and I realized - omg, my FACE.
My face is different.
I've been through this before. I lost a bunch of weight on Weight Watchers after I had the twins, and I remember the feeling of looking in the mirror and seeing a stranger. So I'm there, but I realize that it's been happening slowly and I only just realized it. Maybe I didn't quite GET how big I had gotten or just how I looked, or maybe I did and that's why I've hated my appearance for so long. But today when I looked at my face, I saw lines, bones, smooth skin, definition. A face that is lopsided in it's own way (it's my opinion that my face is one half one parent and one half the other parent).
But, I look pretty good...
I'm not used to saying that.
But it showed me that I'm not crazy, my face is smaller. (yes i know the pics have diff perspective shut up you see what I mean)
I'm also wearing around size 24 shorts that I can't keep up, they're perpetually sliding down my hips, that's probably also a hint that I'm vanishing. It's weird that I can't seem to perceive that in the clothes, it's my face where I see it suddenly. Maybe my body was just so big to start with it's going to take longer before it looks "different" to me. It doesn't bother me to say that, shit had gotten OUT OF HAND.
I've got a lot of reasons to change my life. First of all I've got two little boys who need me to be alive as long as I possibly can, and that is going to require me to be HEALTHY. If I dropped dead tomorrow Louis and Julia would be sad, but they are both smart strong kids - they'd be ok. But as a special needs mom, I feel an obligation to walk the earth and take care of my special little guys as long as I can - to be here FOR THEM. I couldn't walk up the stairs at work. I'd say arthritis was the cause, but folks, I STILL HAVE ARTHRITIS and I can run up those suckers now. My parents own bad health of late is another motivator. We aren't healthy people. I'm 46, it's not too late for me to stave off health issues that I see both of them battling.
Even my dad's dementia can be linked to his arterial decline which is directly related to his diet.
I'm not on a diet. I'm not on a health kick. I'm not into a fad.
I'm changing my life. I'm changing who I am, biologically speaking. I might never make my goal weight but I actually think I will. In fact, I can't imagine I won't make it. Losing weight isn't brain surgery. Change your habits, and work out.
Now, if only that were SO EASY.
I'll get there slowly but I'd like another 46 years if possible.
I won't ever be perfect, because the perfect in my head doesn't exist. But it was kind of weird today to look in the mirror and think man, I kind of look ok. In fact, I look kind of good. I'm not used to feeling that way at all.
75 pounds to go.