I am playing a video game, I am texting with my best friend, and I am trying to get my mind right. She is trying on dresses in a dressing room, and I am feeling envious of how cute she is. Because girls are like that.
I had plans for this morning. Yes, this is me bitching about my morning.
Why is it SO DAMN DIFFICULT to have a quiet, relaxing morning? I want to know. There has been immodium given. I am considering a long shower with my stress relief stuff from Bath n Body Works.
I am having one of those moments where I need to reconsider my own fortune, my own luck, and how flipping good I actually have it. It's a challenging morning for that. All autism moms go through this. Hell, I think ALL MOMS in general go though this. It's like this in my mind "I LOVE YOU BUT OMG LEAVE ME ALONE".
I can't say those words. I want to say those words so much.
They follow me around. Especially the girl. She has to be where I am. It's on my nerves today. Why? I'm such a jerk, how can I be annoyed that she wants to be near me because she loves me? REALLY? Is that what I'm about? I'm THAT parent? NO I AM NOT.
This is the part where I remind myself that I am not that parent.
I'm human, that's how I can have these thoughts and think these things. I'm feeling overwhelmed and honestly, I'd like two days where I could be selfish and do nothing but just be. But if you knew the truth, the husband could use two days like that too. Maybe that's something we should consider. Just, a break. Not from each other or anything weird but just to go somewhere with a book, and silence.
I love my kids. My kids are my world. I guess sometimes, I need a bit more ME. And I'm pretty damn selfish so that's a lot to say. But I do. I need space. I don't need to not be a mom, Just once in a blue moon, I'd like to sit in this room, or some other room, in quiet. I don't want to hear the raging tones of twinkle twinkle little star. I don't want to hear the screams from downstairs and wonder if it's a problem or not. I don't want to say "omg what's that smell" knowing full well it means the immodium did not kick in yet.
This morning's blog post is a mini tantrum mommy style. I look at the news of people who had to bury their children, and I know I don't have any damn problems. In the face of that, no. ZERO problems. I'm sitting here on my high speed internet in my home, with the heat turned on, and I had a lovely egg for breakfast. My daughter has soccer later. I have new furniture in my living room.
I don't have any problems. I have selfish complaints.I hate selfish people so that means I'm going to have to get past them right now. So after she gets done showing me dresses, I'm going to shower and change my attitude.
And hopefully, the immodium will start working.
I'll leave you with this.