I'm Really Not That Strong

People say that to us a lot. "Oh you're so strong" - or something similar. We're not I assure you. But when you don't have any choices you just make do.

That's the midwestern in us. Midwesterners MAKE DO. You deal with what you have and you go on. No reason to grouse about it.

I think though that it's important since I share a lot about being a Mom of special needs children, that I don't paint some false idea that if you just PUT ON A HAPPY FACE EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT. Seriously no, it won't be alright. Everything will be exactly as it was before you put on your happy face. I'm not better at this than you, I'm not tougher than you. I am not good at this. I'm just doing it every day, because I have do.

I do however, try to NOT dwell on the things that are threatening to destroy my soul if I let them linger.

Yesterday was Charlie's IEP. His teachers love him. He's progressing so very well. He's throwing less tantrums, will actually attend to his work sometimes. He can type his name. They say he's SO well behaved during community skills (that's where they go shopping at the grocery or at the mall). They are really pleased and think he's having a great year.

He's developmentally 39 months old, give or take.

He's 9.

If you think that isn't a knife through my heart, you're wrong. I had to blink back my tears as that went across the screen - and smile as they told me how even though he doesn't say the ending consonant for many words they aren't worried - and nod while we talked about can he work a zipper? Could we work on having him make a sandwich for lunch on the weekends?

I am sick as a dog right now and I can't talk. At bed time the last two nights, instead of reading, I've played the video of Goodnight Moon on my phone to the twins at bed time. I cried both nights while it played.

Here's why. Who is going to read them/play them Goodnight Moon when I'm dead? Can I put that in my will? I need someone to do this. I need someone to read Goodnight Moon to my babies who aren't going to be babies but, oh god they ARE going to be still little guys, possibly all their lives. Especially my Charlie. How will they go to sleep without me?

These are the things, that threaten my sanity and my well being. These are my fears and worries. What happens if I'm not here to read them a story when they are 45?

I wish I knew.

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