The Period Without A Point

I got my period when I was ten years old. It was sooner than anyone else I knew, except my best friend who was also a giant girl in height, also cursed with real boobs when everyone else was still strutting around in "training bras."

I had my last period in July of 2009 and then I got pregnant with the Princess I have been spamming you to death with since then.

When she was born I also had my tubes tied.

Which means that I am now in the process of having my first period without a point.

When I was in college we joked that we always knew who was getting laid, cuz girls who were getting laid were thrilled to get their periods (sometimes waving bloodied panties and running up and down the dorm halls) and the others were bummed and annoyed.

As an adult married woman I watched for it for years, wondering if this month was the month. Did it happen? Am I pregnant? Month after month I was disappointed, during the times I was trying. Except for three times.

Three awesome, amazing times.

But this time, as Aunt Martha's Big Red Bus of Joy is pulling into the station, I'm full of emo considerations. Thoughts of babies lost, babies that will never be.

And don't get me wrong. I am 41 years old. I have FOUR children. I do NOT want more children. But as someone who always struggled to achieve pregnancy, it seems odd and out of place that I elected to sterilize myself.

I feel a little less female, unable to reproduce. I've lost some spark of girliness that resided in me. The spark of hope, of babies, of the POWER to create life. I've been rendered powerless. I have nothing left to give. I can no longer foster my own immortality but spinning more of my DNA out into the universe.

I don't like the feeling.

I do not regret having my tubes tied.

I regret the way it makes me feel.

I should eat more gelato. It makes me cheery - eh?