Sunday, November 30, 2008
I've resolved to be a better Mom this year about making those special holiday treats, and so one rainy cold freaking afternoon while I was laid up, Lil Satchmo and I went through the December Martha Stewart magazine picking out which fantastic treats we wanted to make this year.
I chose to make the Penuche Fudge first, mostly because the ingredients were wildly simple - brown sugar, butter, confectioners sugar, vanilla and evaporated milk. I wavered a little - because fudge recipes usually call for ye old Eagle Brand sweetened condensed milk.........but I figured that since Martha didn't ask me to climb a mountain and milk a yak ......that I should use the one she said.
It was amazingly easy to make. And overwhelmingly sweet and delicious to eat.
But you know what else?
Penuche my ass.
I know PRALINE when I taste it. I'm dropping some fine Georgia pecans in it next time.....because this, ladies and gentlemen, was PRALINE candy. Right down to the consistency.
Delicious. But clearly some fancy name for pralines that don't have the pecans in it......
Tomato, Tomahto........It's delicious.
Totally recommend checking it out - in this month's Martha Stewart Living - amazingly easy.
Thanks Martha- that was a FIRST you whack job.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
After all that.....
They decide I have succesfully FINALLY miscarried on my own, the day before. All my tests came back clean.
So I went home.
But I kept the socks. :)
Monday, November 24, 2008
I'm also worried, nervous, bleeding like crazy, over emotional, in pain, exhausted, a little irrational......uncomfortable.....let's see what else......throw in SMELLY, generally unhappy.
Since November 13 I've been seeking conclusion and looks like tomorrow I'm finally surrendering to the fact that mother nature will NOT just take care of this for me. I spent most of the day yesterday laying down, and basically all day today. When I got up to eat (a delicious late breakfast made by my Hunny)......it was all back on again.
I'll spare you the details, as sometimes guys read this, but let's just say - this isn't going away.The baby cells, and placenta cells are all gone, according to the ultrasound. But my body just isn't capable of healing itself this time. So I called my doctor, then I called my boss (who by the way seemed to know that I wouldn't be in and this wasn't going well....thank god)......
And then I told the husband that I have to be at pre-op tomorrow morning at 10:30 am. So, off we go tomorrow hopefully to drive an end to this process. They're gonna do a D & C and whatever else they gotta do while they are in there to stop the bleeding and clean out the mess. Good times, eh?
Now I'm trying to decide if I should shave my legs and paint my toes. I don't know why...I just seems like I should.
I'm just so tired. Of the pain, of being tired, of the bleeding.
I need this all to stop. I want to be myself again.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Okay........the miscarriage update.......
Well, I have several posts I was about to write - one went something like blah blah blah I'm so stressed I can't take it anymore I need for this to be over. Another one went Oh Yay heavy bleeding and cramping I'm doing great, even though this feels like labor and I want to kill someone this means we're moving along. There was going to be another one about a fist sized clot.....just to gross out the boys.
But then I had to go to the ER.
The short version of the story is that I was soaking 3 pads an hour. And I thought that this was heavy bleeding. So off we rushed to the ER where the lady who checked us in was casual about my massive bleeding and gave us forms to fill out. Seriously - I was clearly boring her with my tales of completely soaking 3 pads an hour. 3 BIG pads, just for a point of reference.
The Triage nurse was actually super sweet (I almost always love triage nurses, they are usually such kind people) - taking lots of time to listen to me as I explained ALL the steps of this process, of the drugs I had taken.....when suddenly I said "Oh my god I just soaked your chair with blood."
I stood up and blood just starts shooting out of me - soaking my jeans - and not to be too grotesque - leaving an actual puddle on the chair. It occurs to me that I am hemorrhaging and I feel panic. This part I remember VERY clearly. I remember lots of really sweet nurses, and a lot of "honey" and "sweetheart" talk....people getting towels, but I must've blacked out because then next I'm in a little curtained off room and they were suiting me up in hospital gear.
The weird thing was - there was no pain. The whole time I was there, probably from the blood loss - I was just sort of floating, zombie, sleeping. They came in and hooked me up for IVs, drew blood, did the WORST PELVIC IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD, and then whisked me off for the longest ultrasound ever.
A teenager came in to draw my blood. This was probably the only time I got cranky - believe it or not. She about KILLED Me with the tourniquet, spent minutes trying to figure out how/where to draw me......and then mumbles, as she takes the tourniquet off and on for the third or 4th time, "I always have a hard time with the tourniquet." At which point I called to my nurse "I'm going to need an RN to draw my blood please!" Luce, my nurse, bustled, in took the needle from the girl and dismissed her. And smiled at me and said "Yeah I prefer an RN to draw my blood to."
Apparently hours and hours passed, but the nurses were really sweet - one in particular came back to tell me she met my family, and had given the boys juice and some graham crackers. She sat in on my various procedures/tests so she could tell them I was OK.
The staff were all sweating to death with the heat on in the ER but hurried to get me blankets because I was cold and after I was appropriately hooked to every machine conceivable......turned off the light in my little area so I could sleep a little.
I slept, listened to people around me tell the doctors about the car accident they had been in, the fire they had been in, about the last time they got shot and how it was worse than this time. It occurs to me, at one point, that they've taken me back with the more seriously injured - no folks with colds or stomach flu in this crew. I heard, at one point, them call to reserve an operating room - and tell whomever that it was for me. I listened to them talk to my doctor. They came in and explained the D&C - and that they would put me in twilight sleep for it but that they were waiting on the results of my ultrasound.
Then I slept some more until they came back. Apparently the great Uterine explosion of '08 cleared the rest of the tissue from inside me. They decided, with my OB, that I didn't need the D&C and I could leave.
My pants and underwear were destroyed (I am considering just tossing them, they are still in a bag) so they gave me a diaper (which at that point I thought was hilarious) and some paper pants to wear home.
The sweet nurse who had been keeping track of my family gave me a sack lunch with a sandwich, chips and juice, on my way out - because she knew I was starving.
I came home and slept like the dead. Today I've had some cramping and heavy bleeding but nothing like yesterday. The Husband took the kids to a train show so that I could rest in peace without little boys jumping all over me. So I napped for a while, watched a little football but then needed to get up for a while.
How do I feel?
I'm not sure I can go to work tomorrow, because I still have some pretty heavy outpours, if you follow........and I don't know if I can handle that kind of thing in the office. At least I don't have to be afraid I'll get into trouble.
Virtual hugs, positive thoughts and prayers are now officially welcome. I can use them.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
I went to the obstetrician's office and they took blood to make sure my "levels" are coming down.
What if they aren't?
I'm now on a new drug, designed to "help my Uterus progress" with this process.
The annoying thing is I still feel some of the pregnancy things, the nausea, the swollen boobs. I just want them to go away. I just want it out of me. I don't want to feel like this - these things I was cherishing despite their ickiness are now just ugly reminders of what went wrong.
At this point I'd welcome the cramps from hell if they would just BRING the process on. And let me be done. I don't think it's asking too much for my body to cooperate here. But it seems like in this process, as in all others, it's not working as efficiently as it used to.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Sunday, November 16, 2008
I am now coming out of a fog, induced by several weeks of drug induced lethargy and exhaustion. It was prescribed to me by my new OBGYN.
I like my new OBGYN.
He's very honest and forthright about things, and so when I went in with one of these....
he did an ultrasound straight away. And wouldn't you know, I was unbelievably hardly even pregnant at all - only about 5 weeks - so small you could BARELY SEE anything on the ultrasound. I saw a round circle, which he called the egg sack. I asked him if anyone was home in said egg sack and he said he couldn't tell - but not to worry, at this stage it's normal not to see.
But given my age and spotting which was occurring he put me on said drug - PROMETRIUM which has been kicking my ass for weeks. The lethargy, the overwhelming tiredness has truly not been conducive to starting a new job - let me tell you. Plus the moody, hormone overload my husband has had to endure. Prometrium reminds me of Nyqil - don't make any plans.
You take progesterone every 6 hours and tell me it doesn't make you half crazy. I could barely function some days but still slogged through the minimum. Get up, get the kid up, get him to the bus stop - get me to work.
Work, work, lunch, work work, go home, collapse. Cry a lot. Be unable to eat properly, go to bed early. Feel sick and like you're going to just barf 24/7.
Then I went back for my 8 week visit - and another ultrasound.
I am told, that the positive side of this situation is truly medical science. He could take a quick look inside and see that what we had was not in fact a baby, but a clump of fertilized cells that never actually grew properly, and that our growth rate was basically zero from where it was three weeks prior.
He tells me, in his office after the ultrasound, that back in the pre-ultrasound days, they had to wait and wait for the heartbeat. And if there was no heart beat - some time after month 4, only THEN could they call it.
So I'm glad, that science was there for me, at week 8 with a heads up that all was not well.
I quit taking the Prometrium on Thursday. On Saturday morning I woke up and fired off an email to my friend Cajsa, to tell her that I FELT BETTER. I felt normal.
The fog was lifting.
Was I sad? Yes, we were both very sad. I think we were "pregnant" long enough to settle into the idea. But, I'm also so thankful that it wasn't three months later - and suddenly gee we're sorry this isn't a baby.
Without the hormones mother nature is taking her course. I had the option of a d&c but didn't really see the point, of course I'll go if something seems awry.
But I feel better, truly, while feeling bad. Maybe I felt bad because my body didn't want me to be forcing it to keep my little cluster of human cells, and that contributed to my lack of well being. All I know is, that despite feeling terrible, I still sort of feel better.
Heartbroken, but better.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Which is what lead me to my latest book. It just looked sort of funny to me, light, meaningless drivel but it was aimed to the 40 something crowd. Sort of a "we can be cool too" theme.....and having turned the corner.....well.....I picked it up.
First of all I never cease to be amazed at HOW some people get published. Second of all, well....I hardly know how to express my disdain.......seriously I'm only about 10 pages in and I've had Jimmy Choos, Miu Miu, Prada and someone else tossed about at me like I'm a slag for not wearing all of them.
It is the literary equivalent of Vogue. (yeah I'm slamming Vogue for it's lack of literary quality who cares?)
But, reading the words in this book feels the same as looking at pictures in VOGUE. It's that same "you are not this cool but if you acquired X you WOULD be" sort of feeling. I don't know any 40 year olds like this - and frankly I've known some really successful people in my life.
This isn't real. I don't mind a little escapism (HELL A LOT OF ESCAPISM)but you can't dress up the girls from Sex in the City on a book cover as being "those funny girls next door". They aren't. And when you present fashion, plastic surgery and drop hip NYC references in lieu of actual plot development.......well.......
I'm not impressed. I'm bored.
Frankly I'd rather read some of that new crap Anne Rice has been churning out and I think we can all agree that she's been writing absolute shite for about 10 years.
Drivel, in it's literary form, should be fun. It should be Jackie Collins - all sex and booze, or Anne Rice's newer stuff - all Vampires and forlorn creatures of the night. There should be something interesting and mindless but a giggle.
I'd give you the name, but well, I don't even want you to go looking for this book out of curiosity. It's that bad.
And all I can think, after reading many of these pages and having this book try to impose it's superiority on me.......is that while I don't know any 40 year olds like this.......man I know some REALLY interesting ones. I know people with fascinating jobs, fascinating hobbies......personalities.....people who are brilliant, people who are creative........
While we might not be NYC cool for not owning a pair of Jimmy Choos.......all I can say is that Pink is right.
SO WHAT? I'M STILL A ROCK STAR!!!!!!!!!!!!
That anthem works for lots of situations.
OH - and if you are interested, the WORST book ever written is called HOUSE OF LEAVES . Try to read it. I dare you.
It is the only book, in the history of the world, that I purposefully did not finish. I'll even finish the crap I'm reading right now. But House of Leaves? NEVER.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
And we took them inside, and some wonderful people evaluated them.
We learned that our county isn't fucking around when it comes to developmental delay. They have resources and facilities and I may never have been this impressed with a school system in my life. (and I come from a family of educators - so I do have a little bit of experience with what schools offer).
They told us good things. And they told us the next steps. They didn't write them off - and they felt like although we have delay they have some great skills and they acknowledged everything that they do well.
They also talked to us about the pieces they are missing - and defined our next steps.
We left happy - because now there is a plan.
And the witch's curse was lifted, because now however we define their challenges - that there are solutions.
Not being afraid any more seems like half the battle won.
Sunday, November 09, 2008
Saturday, November 08, 2008
Case in point - the girl who was not allowed to do any motion which brought her thumb and forefinger together.
This rules out pick up paper, filing, holding a pen........I mean, WHAT the hell are you supposed to do for 8 hours in this condition? Funny, she'd sit and write letters until we caught her each time and made her put the pen down.
So after almost two decades in the call center biz where I manage those prone to this repetitive motion condition - GUESS WHAT?
Yeah , I've got it.
I took my brace off to write this although my wrist is howling a bit.
It's annoying - it first started happening in small doses a couple of years ago and with the configuration of my new office (twasn't ergonomic - now IS) my wrists just went bonko.
Once again, I'm visited with a condition I previously thought was stupid.
Now Cancer.......CANCER Is BRILLIANT. (see my strategy?)
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Election Day Donuts - Given Away at Krispy Kreme to everyone who voted.
Funny, they taste like VICTORY.
But that just might be the sprinkles.
Monday, November 03, 2008
One offering was a Christmas tree.
Might seem strange, but we actually NEED a green Christmas tree as ours is white which rocks in FLA but really probably will seem odd here in GA. So someone had a tree, and we responded that we'd come fetch it.
We drove out a little more rural than ourselves, not a lot more, just a little more, to pick up the tree. The owners of said tree lived in a really cool looking log cabin - obviously made from a kit - but it looked like the kind that would be sort of fun for vacations or weekends. (The Husband went inside to fetch the goods and told me it was a hideous shack and that they were obviously baked to the gills but that is a different story).
Mrs Tree Owner came out to say hi while the husband lugged the tree + assorted other junk she had decided to give us. She made small talk, told me she had twins too (oh my let's be best friends) blah blah blah. OK fine, she was nice enough.
Then she noticed a pamphlet for a nanny service sitting on my lap. Now don't get me wrong, we're not HIRING a nanny. We were just looking at it. This however - was just the opening she was looking for.
"I watch kids during the day." she tells me.
I smile, and nod, unsure of what to say. "Oh, really?" I manage.
"Oh yeah, it's great - see that gully down there? Well, mine are older than yours, they're about 6, so I just let all them kids out and send'em down to the gully to play. They just come when I call."
I wish I had a picture - both of me struggling for words to continue this conversation, and of the GULLY in question. It was a wooded slope leading down to a water runoff - the woods so thick that the children in question MIGHT have been down there but who would know. It would also, in my mind, be the sort of place that hobo child molesters and other ne'er do wells would set up camp using shopping carts as grills.
"Oh, well kids like the outdoors." I mumble.
"Are you lookin' for a sitter?" she inquires.
I smile, say no, we're not in the market at this time.
Sunday, November 02, 2008
This one is Lil Satchmo's. We told him that if he wanted a jack o'lantern he had to gut it himself after I opened it up. Apparently this was just "too gross" so Mom and Dad did it for him.
We had to spread the carving over two nights as I had really big pumpkins to cut up and there is only so much pumpkin killing I can stomach in one evening.
And all was right with the world!
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Are you serious?
I just spent ten minutes trying to figure out how to add the button. Adding buttons usually takes me about 30 seconds.
If adding buttons is this hard, I might not be meant to do NaBloPoMo.