There, But For The Grace Of God, Go I

*When we used to go to Disney World, I'd look at the parents of children with severe disabilities, children in wheel chairs - hooked up to portable machines of various ilk.....and my heart would just ache for them - and their parents. And these words would tumble through my mind.......There, but for the grace of God, go I. I would thank every power that my own children were NORMAL. My own children were OK.

Today my husband and I took the hands our our twins and walked into this building.

And our hearts were in our throats. And we smiled, and pretended like everything was going to be alright.

You see, years ago, a witch stood over my children and cursed them - comparing them to an autistic child they knew. I felt the curse sweep over them when the words were uttered.....and denied it then.

Or maybe it wasn't a witch, but a friend - just recognizing a behavior. And in truth - it wasn't even said in relevance to autism, but a behavior of babies. But when your child is "normal" and their child is "not".....you balk at comparisons, even if only in your heart.

Maybe it was the flu shots - which may or may not have contained thimerasol we now find out. We don't know if they did, or did not. Some did.

When they were three, we took them to the pediatrician and expressed concern. "They don't talk WITH us - not back and forth." we told him. He told us we were wrong, that nothing was the matter. He gave us a list of things you HAD to have to have "autism" and basically told us to piss off and that we were yuppie parents looking for an excuse for why they were behind.

I took them when they were four and he looked at me and said "Well we're looking at autism."

And I wanted to gouge out his eyes.

With a spoon.

Then he gave me referrals for places that don't take insurance, and that charge $700 per child per assessment. Or hundreds of dollars per hour, but they GUARANTEE results.

And I wanted to gouge out his eyes.

With a spoon.

And then we took my oldest son to register for school, and the special ed teachers clocked us and basically bum rushed us.

At the time were were horrified and scared. No one wants the special ed teachers to recognize their children as "off". But do you know what they did?

They helped us get to this building.

And we took them inside, and some wonderful people evaluated them.

We learned that our county isn't fucking around when it comes to developmental delay. They have resources and facilities and I may never have been this impressed with a school system in my life. (and I come from a family of educators - so I do have a little bit of experience with what schools offer).

They told us good things. And they told us the next steps. They didn't write them off - and they felt like although we have delay they have some great skills and they acknowledged everything that they do well.

They also talked to us about the pieces they are missing - and defined our next steps.

We left happy - because now there is a plan.

And the witch's curse was lifted, because now however we define their challenges - that there are solutions.

Not being afraid any more seems like half the battle won.