A Mommy Blog About Raising Men, Not Boys.
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Sunday, November 27, 2005

New Jeans.....and smaller too

So I think I've posted this at some point, but in case you were ignoring me, let me tell you about this clothes shopping issue I have. I have a love hate thing going on with clothes shopping. I love clothes, I hate them on me. I don't like to try things on, being a big fat person pretty much allowed me to just go in and buy the biggest thing they had and that really usually would work out just fine. Even if it WAS a little too big, let's face it who cares? Obviously that's some sad psychology, "I'm too fat to look good in clothes so I'll just buy big clothes but instead of doing something about it I'll just stay fat.....and thus the circle begins again." Well, I've had this JEAN problem for a couple of months. Well, longer than that. Almost since I bought them. I didn't try on my previous jeans, I just picked them up off the shelf at Wal-Mart, some 10.99 Faded Glory specials in whatever was biggest, I think they were like a 26, so I expected them to be a little big. But from the first time I put them on, they were weird. Like they were supposed to be "low riders" for big old fat girls or something. Some ill conceived notion, anyway. But what I disliked most about them was that every time I sat down they would slide down my ass, exposing my big ass and whatever ridiculous underwear I had on that day. Scott would say it looked like I had a LOAD in my pants. So we were shopping yesterday and I piped up "Hey, let's look for me some jeans, I need some new jeans." We went to Dillards and I picked up a pair of jeans in a 24, the biggest size. Scott says "Oh those are WAY too big, go smaller." So I picked up a 22......and he thought those were too big too but I really thought they would be okay but just in case I picked up a 20. In the dressing room, the 22s were HUGE. I couldn't believe it. So I put on the 20s. Slightly too big. Just slightly. Like, a few pounds more and an 18 would fit. But I was thinking wash/dry/shrink and these will fit perfectly. So I bought a pair of jeans in a 20. And despite the fact thatI STILL Had to buy them in the fat matron section......I think I look pretty feckin good in them........

Friday, November 25, 2005

Waiter, there's food under my butt!

It wasn't that I waited until I had my own children to ever take a child out of a high chair and clean them up. I had a little brother ten years younger than me. I baby-sat other people's children. Children make crazy messes.
But it seems that my very own Heckle and Jeckle have a special gift.
No matter how careful you are not to actually place any food there, they somehow both manage to get the majority of their dinners stuck under their butts. You might worry that they are digesting far too quickly and having massive diaper failure. Oh no, that's not it. They just put the food in their mouths, slobber it around a bit, then somehow it is teleported under their butts.
Just waiting for me to stand them up.
At Thanksgiving dinner Gabe told us that he's found chicken nuggets INSIDE Ian's diaper. How do they do this? What is this madness? I am sitting there, I am watching them. I feel certain either Gabe or Sarah is around for their twins eating as well. You'd think we'd NOTICE them stashing food in diapers or under their butts.
But no, this food just appears.
I feel that the Space Time Continuum may be involved.......and in that case, I can never understand it. (or disturb it!)

Thursday, November 17, 2005

On the Night Shift

So on Thursdays I have to work nights until the end of "Peak Season" (for those of you not in the catalog business, Peak Season is the time of you all you shoppers buy your christmas presents to mail to your far off relatives). It's sort of cool - because I got to sleep in this morning like I haven't done in a long time. It sort of sucks, because I get home at 10:30 at night and I feel like it's about 6pm. So the babies just went to bed and Lou and I are hanging out. I'm making some Slippery Noodle Cheese Fries and just trying to unwind as well as doing laundry to try to get ready for the next few days. For someone who usually has zero on their social calendar I'm completely booked the next few days. I'm looking forward to some fun family time over the next few days, though. I am hoping that working nights this one day a week does not send my sleep schedule into a spin, though. Because my ass has to be at work bright and early tomorrow I assure you.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Holiday Photos..........DONE

So we embarked on a new holiday tradition and went and had family portraits done for our christmas cards. Man, who would ever think it would be THAT hard to get three kids to ALL sit still, all look ahead and all smile? Geez Louise. I cannot post a picture, I must wait until after I have sent out all of the Christmas card versions and then I can post....which is killing me because I want to show everyone how freaking cute they are right now.
I look a bit odd in them, like I'm not plugged in or something. Like I'm smiling only because my medication is really good. Which is not true......I think I was just confused and not really ON when he snapped because the kids were wild. I'm also a little self conscious about my teeth, they're kind of ugly and I don't like to have a big toothy showing smile and I suppose that was probably part of the problem - me being self conscious.
Regardless, I shall check this off our list of things to do and say YIPPEE. I can't wait to show everyone!

Sunday, November 13, 2005

The Fat Situation

Recently Tyra Banks did a thing on her show where she put on a fat suit and went around living as a fat person for a day to find out what it was like. Wow, people were rude to her. While I appreciate the gesture - I actually did see her in an interview about it and she seems like a pretty genuine person who was really surprised at how she was treated, I've been thinking a lot about what it's like to be fat as I try to journey out of that land.
It really really really sucks.
There are double standards in place that I don't understand as well. Men can be fat, to a point, and it's okay, it's just a joke - they're "Fat Bastards" but somehow that also implies success and money, obviously they can afford to eat that way so they're successful. And black women seem to be immune.......there is this stereotype that black men like a "big woman" and honestly that does seem to be true from my own experience. Equally, I sort of find that even though Playboy models are the official accepted female body type in America, real human women who are overweight are okay with guys on some level.....but God don't let ANYONE find out that they slept with you.......I know that anytime a man starts telling me that Marilyn Monroe wore a 16 he's mine.
I think about my own experiences in being overweight and the cruelty I've experienced and that I've had to watch my friends experience (we fat girls run in packs you know). Mostly I don't care when stuff happens to me but sometimes it really gets to me. I think that one of the most humiliating personal experiences that ever happened actually happened more than once and it wasn't a person being cruel - it was that I couldn't fit into rides that I loved. The last year I lived in KY I found that suddenly I couldn't get into rides I have always loved at King's Island. The last time I went to Disney before I moved here I couldn't get into the Virtual Space Mountain ride. But were those wake up calls? No, my feelings were hurt, but nothing a coney dog piled high with cheese couldn't cure.
I've had someone yell "Get some Jenny Craig" at me from a passing car, and various other statements on diet plans or what a fat bitch I am. Yelling at fatties from a car is apparently a HOT activity. Clearly this must be some attempt to help me and not just the unmitigated cruelty it seems like.
I've actually had friends experience these situations:
  • Friend A called me once at 3am because a guy she had picked up at a bar had (once they got to her place) said he was going to the bathroom and then bailed. My own personal thought was that she had passed out a bit and he had just left bcse of that. But it was so sad listening to someone I love so much WAIL into the phone "Do you think he left because I was fat?" and then to have to comfort her as she sobbed inconsolably, certain her own flaws had made her undesireable.
  • Friend B showed up at my house unannounced at 11pm. She had been at a pretty wild party and had been about to engage in some sort of sex thing with several guys (willingly) when as she got naked one of them said "Hey check out the fat pussy" at which time she fled in shame to my house, another friend sobbing to me about their fat and questioning their own state of hideousness (friend B, like friend A, - NOT HIDEOUS at all).
  • Friend C was and is a REALLY big girl. I love her dearly, but let me just say, she's really really big. She has some health problem that she says cause it, but in fact she also has some health problems because of it. I wouldn't emphasize how really really big she is, except it's important to the tale, as I am also a big girl I want to emphasize that this girl makes me feel petite. Back in the day when we used to go out to the clubs, it was a mystery to many of us HOW she could snag so many guys. She could ALWAYS hook up. Initially we thought that she was just getting lucky and hitting guys who were into the really large women (so called Chubby Chasers) and so that was nice for her. But then one night were hanging out with some guys we had seen around before and that she had hooked up with a few times but she wasn't with us. One of them asked us where she was. We said she wasn't out with us and expected it to drop but then they started talking about how they'd have to "find another one". And then when questioned, they explained how they (and some men apparently?) always hawk for the fattest girl in a bar, buy her drinks, treat her like a princess and then take her home and fuck the shit out of her because a fat girl will be SO grateful she'll do anything you want. ANYTHING. Very nice.
  • Friend D emailed me for a list of rides that I couldn't get in to at King's Island (I had told these stories at work as a joke so that it wasn't so sad to me apparently) because she didn't want to have to be embarrassed when she got there. I sent her the list.

These aren't really tales of amusement, these are sad things that happened to me and people I care about and love. I think about them a lot as I'm exersizing, as I'm eating my fat free yogurt, as I'm standing in line at Weight Watchers to weigh in praying that giant dinner at Outback didn't add a pound after I worked so hard all week.

But what I think about most is how did all of us get here? I didn't start out fat. I wasn't a fat kid. I was a really skinny kid. I'm learning a lot on my journey to the other side. I feel like I'm in the Swamp with Yoda. I'm learning that "normal" people get hungry between meals. In my first Weight Watchers meeting the leader asked "What does it feel like when you get hungry" and my friend joked "I don't know, I don't let it get that far." But that was true. Fat people don't let it get that far. I didn't realize it. I never let myself get hungry. Now I'm hungry all the time between meals. But it feels sort of good. I'm not sick with low blood sugar as though I didn't eat enough, I'm just sort of hungry as in "Hey I'm incredibly fat, go see if Shannon has some candy in her office." and I feel proud when I don't go.

There are things about our mindset that have to change, we fat girls. We have to stop eating. Seriously, that sounds so simple, but it's NOT. I have a coffee break every morning with a friend. I used to eat breakfast and get some coffee on my way in (load up the cream and sugar please) and THEN have a coffee break at 9:30 again with loaded coffee and eat some sort of sweet. Now I just eat a fat free yogurt with water, and then at break we share a biscotti and I drink BLACK coffee. Is that big deal? No. But it nearly freaking killed me the first two weeks. But now it's routine.

Also we have to stop thinking of how we can fit in treats. Stop eating the fucking treats, fat girls. In the Weight Watchers Complete Food Companion there are 11 pages of COOKIE point conversions. 11 pages! Everytime I can't find a damn food in there I get completely bitter. I think that they should change 10 of those pages to REAL food information, and on the 11th page just put a note with big black letters "HEY FAT GIRLS QUIT EATING THE COOKIES. THIS IS WHY YOU ARE SO FAT."

I'm not disparaging my people, but we all need a good smack to wake up. Instead of trying to figure out that we can fit in 11 cookies into our points, maybe we should just have two, enjoy them and then stop. We really have to work out. We have to change. Our bodies are crying out to us. They give us bad backs, acid reflux and issues with our blood sugar as warnings, but we don't listen.

I'm not completely idealistic about what I'm going to look like in one year. In April 2004 I went over 300 pounds while pregnant with my twins and now I'm about 50+ pounds lighter than that. Which is still much fatter than I'd like to be. But the truth is I'm built on a pretty big frame. I won't ever be a 2 unless you dress my skeleton up post mortem, and that's okay with me. I'd like to wear a 14 or a 16. I'd just like to be able to buy SOME things at Victoria's Secret. I don't mind if I still MOSTLY have to shop at Lane Bryant, but I'd like to be able to occasionally buy some things somewhere else, and not in the Matron's Department. I hope my health improves and my energy level goes up. And I hope I'm happy.

But mostly, I hope people quit screaming rude things at me from passing cars.

Han Solo

It's a solo weekend for both Scott and me. He is solo, as in without any of us, for the first time in three years except his little stint in the hospital. He's at Epcot living La Vida Loca, or at least enjoying himself.
And the kids and I are hanging out, doing kids and mom stuff like baking cupcakes, playing hide and seek and Candyland and otherwise just being homebound but happy.
It's amazingly quiet here without two adults in the house.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Oh Ye of Little Faith -Promapalooza Teaser


Okay, did you really think I didn't have the STUFF to be a big 80s queen?
Did you REALLY?
This is Tim and me - looking extremely cool if I must say so.
I am currently unsure where my Promapalooza shot will be posted, it might be over on Sarah's page - I will you all know. I am going to have a new PC being set up and anticipate my internet access being down for a day or two.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Flat Panel-itis

A few months ago I went to Las Vegas. On the day I returned there was a GORGEOUS black 19 inch flat panel monitor on my desk. I was perplexed. Why was it there? That sort of serious hardware usually lived on the desks of the company ownership, not the call center director. I fell in love with it. Previously I had been very unconcerned about the shitty state of my monitor. It was old, the images were faded and hard to see no matter what you did, it was a piece of crap - not to put too fine a point on it. But it worked and hell, work is work, why do I need PRETTY graphics THERE?
But I knew it couldn't be right, so later in the day - long after I was deeply in love with it, I made the mistake of grabbing the Manager of MIS and asking him what was up with the awesome monitor. He told me that it had been requisitioned by me. Now I am not sure in what WORLD he lives that he actually thinks I can just turn in a request for a 19 inch flat panel monitor "just because" but man I should have done that years ago. (don't be fooled people, that request would NEVER be filled). So as we're talking my boss comes along and says to the MIS Manager "Hey where is my 19 inch flat panel?"
Crap. Crap crap crap.
SO off it went to my bosses office, where I could covet it in meetings and long for it's clear display and remarkable resolution.
But on the upside my MIS manager took pity on me and made sure that when they installed the first wave of flat panels in the regular offices and cubicles, that I got the first one. Which ruled.
So I have become a flat panel snob. I've secretly longed for one at home, but haven't brought it up. I am sitting on a 17 inch Gateway monitor that is very servicable.
However, due to crazy behavior on the part of my CPU we decided to invest in a new pc.
And while we were there........
well let's just say she's sitting in a box beside me. All 19 inches, flat and charming. Ready to play SIMS2 or any other game in stunning resolution and clarity.

I can hardly wait to fire her up.
Goodbye Gateway Monitor. You've been grand.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Homecoming 1985


That's right. I am COMPLETELY looking great in this photo. You don't even want to KNOW how many hot curlers it took to DO that mess.
While this isn't the crazy PROM photo I am hunting.....this is my only bona fide date with a football player. His name was Scott Johnson, he played Varsity Football and his locker was right next to my friend Tim's. I thought he was the coolest dude in the world - for about two weeks.
It was a lame retarded date. His friend ended up getting dumped by HIS date, so he ended up tagging along with us..........Thus ruining any chances for true love to develop.

I love you Baby

This is what it looks like, when you still go on dates, before your whole life is HAVE TO.
I love you baby, and I'm so glad that you are okay.
(This is us doing Beers Around the World at Epcot - circa 2000)

Update

A short update......
Scott had his endoscopic procedure this morning. We are amazingly lucky so far......although he apparently has a crapload of ulcers (hey I got to see them on his chart when I signed him out, ulcers are very icky looking) from his esophagus, stomach and duodenum....this won't require surgery and he'll just have to take drugs and reduce is "bad for you" food intake.

I am relieved like you would not believe.

Despite the fact that we probably fight and bicker too much......when considering the loss of him I was terribly, terribly distraught last night and this morning.

I guess I'll keep him after all.

Halloween Cuties




Okay so I DID promise some Halloween Cuteness......I don't think I took a snap of our pumpkins, oh well, Maintenance will have taken them away by now I'm sure. They were extremely cute.
My Halloween Honeys were as follows......Louis chose his OWN costume, he wanted to be the "wicked witch from the ding dong song". That's right, he wanted to be the Wicked Witch of the West. Far be it for me to stifle his creativity. Charlie and Miles had to tolerate parental influence costumes for one more year. We picked costumes to match their personalities.....Charlie is the Devil, and Miles is and Angel. It might be a BIT of an exaggeration.....but it's pretty close to right!