A Mommy Blog About Raising Men, Not Boys.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Our Last Dance

The boy took me as his date to the 90th Birthday Party of his elementary school, which just happens to be our last elementary school dance together. He's in fifth grade now. He's one of the big kids, with a posse of boys he runs around and acts goofy with.
We went and I took a dutiful seat on the bleachers so that he could do whatever it is 5th grade boys do at dances. Part of the time the answer was climb to the tallest bleacher and WATCH everyone. This seemed to be appropriate during songs like CALL ME MAYBE.
But then sometimes, the FOOTLOOSE MOMENT would happen and the lot of them would be all LETS DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANCE.
There were even some moments I hadn't hoped for, as I sat dutifully on the bleachers being cool. There were several times throughout the night that he came over and said "Come on Mom come dance with me!" Which by the way was about the best thing in the world.
Based on the way he sticks his tongue out, I'm guessing he is the Michael Jordan of dancing. Otherwise I'm not sure what is happening. Yes - they're doing Gangnam Style.
It will be so different doing it with a girl when we start the elementary school experience at this place OVER in two years. I'm so glad we went. We had the best time.

Even he said so.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Nobody Was Ever This Tired

Last night at about 8pm I was done. I can't really explain it, except to say I had to sleep. It wasn't an option. I've gained an ulcer from the stupid aspirin plus toradol regimen I've been on and I've had a miserable couple of days.
But last night, from the bottom of my feet to the top of my head I was unbelievably physically exhausted. I came home from a fun night (different post) and Scott was changing diapers and potty training. I went to lay down in the boys room, even though there were no sheets on the beds. I couldn't think beyond laying down.

After he was done he brought in the clean sheets for my own bed, and Louis and I made the bed. I crawled into it and fell asleep. I know later after TV time he brought the little kids up to put them into bed. I vaguely remember it.

What I do know is that I slept like the dead for 12 hours.

When I woke up it was pouring rain, the soccer fields were closed YAY and I had a splitting headache.

I had my stomach meds, some oatmeal and a wee cup of coffee. My stomach is now telling me I've had enough coffee, which is too bad because it's delicious and I've had two sips.

Charlie and I are watching Disney Junior. I'm going to sit here with my feet up on the ottoman and watch the rain. I don't know why I was so tired last night, stress from my week maybe. But I feel better, whatever it is has passed.

I just wish I could drink this dang coffee.

Monday, March 24, 2014


I rested most of this weekend. I missed two soccer games, which while I was missing them didn't bother me at all. But then they were over and I didn't get to see things, and the recap wasn't the same and I realized how much I HATE MISSING THINGS.
I have a prescription for Toradol and I'm not exactly sure why or what it is. I looked it up, and it says it's an nSaid and I remember them saying to take it for pain and to keep me relaxed except I don't have any pain so why am I taking this? It says may cause drowsiness, I'm not sure if it's that or I'm just tired though.

I think this is the one point of clarity I didn't get at the hospital. I thought I asked all the questions but after several hours of being at the hospital plus having my mind numbed by daytime TV clearly I missed something.

I did make it out on Sunday. Because the Universe is a comedian, I've developed a sinus infection and had to trek over to Minute Clinic to get antibiotics and then I went to part of Louis' game.
Being there made me miss being at at the other two games even more.  I love the sunshine and fresh air and watching the kids play. I love watching my Lou even though he's not the best athlete, I see him getting better all the time.

Back home after the game I returned to a more relaxed mode and decided that it would be relaxing to engage in a  little galactic property battle.

Louis and I waged war for control of the galaxy and I was impressed, the boy bankrupt me hard and fast. I can tell he always chooses to play Sith. The dark side is strong in that one.

I'm feeling normal and ok. Taking my antibiotics and all my other medicine plus my Toradol. Back to work and life. This was just a momentary interruption and reset to regular life.

I'm ready to get back to it.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Funtimes Friday

Friday morning at work I didn't feel quite right. In addition to just an overall feeling of "not good" I kept getting this pressure in my chest. It wasn't pain, it was more like....a central pushing on my chest. It was wrong. It didn't belong. My first inclination was to eat, because most of my maladies can be solved by getting my blood sugar righted. When that didn't work, I realized I was putting off what might be a problem and (against the advice of co-workers) I drove myself over to my GP.

I felt like it was probably anxiety. My mom had just been to the ER the night before and again two nights before that. I thought, "They're gonna give me some Xanax and send me to bed." Really I have to admit, I was into that thought. Xanax is kind of awesome. But when I got there, they took my blood pressure (120/80) but then heard my complaint and decided to do an EKG.
And this got me sent to the ER posthaste. My friend Dave drove me and what I learned when you show up with an EKG that looks like that, they take you to the part of the ER listed on the door above.

I didn't even know this part existed.

They came in pretty aggressive (which is good I'm sure) and I had to sign every waver on the planet, up to and including emergency open heart surgery. They slapped a nitro-glycerin patch on my back, shoved stuff into my veins to calm me and to lower my BP which had gone up to 138/20) and at that point, I was pretty worried.

I took a hospital selfie. Because that's how we do now.

I thought I was going to stay there, and that I'd likely not be feeling too great today.

But then my labs started coming back, and after a long annoying echocardiagram and an even longer vascular ultrasound, the cardiologist (I shall start saying MY CARDIOLOGIST) came in to talk about what was going on.

I had a small problem over a year ago that I spent a DAY in the cardiology lab getting looked at. The decided it was a small irregularity and nothing serious have a nice day. Except that no, that wasn't quite it. I didn't get all the information, or not what I needed to KNOW.

My problem I had yesterday was an exacerbation of a congenital condition that has apparently just cropped up - called the left branch bundle block.

Right now today my heart is fine. My heart muscle is healthy. I don't have any blockages. This is good news. They didn't say it was surprising for being 45 and overweight but I know it's true. What is wrong with my heart is that the left side has a bit of an electricity problem. It might get worse with time. It might not. Either side of your heart can have this, left is the worst to have it on. However, at this point in my life and at the severity I am experiencing it, it's just something to be watched and aware of.

It is very likely I will need a pacemaker some day. But maybe not. It just depends on if this degenerates or not.

I was quite scared at some points yesterday, but I left feeling better than I entered. I asked a ton of questions this time unlike last time I was getting my heart looked at. I admit it felt good to know this wasn't anything stupid I'd done wrong, like my lack of broccoli in my life hadn't caused this. The cardiologist said I could be a marathon runner and develop this. It's just lurking in your genes and you can't help it.

I owe a huge thank you once again to the Mofield family. Once upon a time I opened my eyes after surgery and there sat Amber, reading a book, she'd come so that I didn't have to wake up alone since Scott couldn't come with all of the kids. Yesterday Dave stayed with me all day and didn't leave me. I know he secretly wanted to feast on hospital food and hanging out with me was just an excuse, but it was fun to have someone to watch daytime TV with while we waited to find out the bad or good news.

We learned if you don't pay for it, it doesn't count as cheating.

Also that the Jerry Springer show now has strippers.

But I'm ok. And will be following up for a few more tests to establish a baseline for all future tests to be compared to. I also now will always keep a copy of my EKG in my cell phone, so all future healthcare professionals won't flip out when they run an EKG on me.

Thanks for all your well wishes on FB and otherwise. It means a lot.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Weekend of Sun And Rain

Winter seems to have gone. I'm not sure I'm supposed to say that aloud. Btw, it's aloud, not out loud. Out loud isn't a thing, it's ALOUD. Regardless (not irregardless which is also not a thing) there was sun for soccer and play time on Saturday so we did what is required of families, we went out and hit a playground.
It occurred to me as we hit up a Gwinnett County Park for the billionth time, that we've really lived here a long time now. The twins weren't as old as Julia when we moved here. In April we will have been here 7 years. That seems like a long time.
We didn't have an Austism diagnosis when we moved here, we just didn't know what was wrong. We didn't have a Julia. Our family wasn't complete yet.
That seems like it's impossible that she wasn't born yet, because now it seems like she's always been with us.
But she hasn't. If I scroll back on this blog I'll find plenty of pics at parks that are just little boys on swings. I find that fascinating really, it's hard to remember her not being with us.
It was a perfect break from the cold dreary winter we've had. I was so glad the sun was out and we got to play.
Because wouldn't you know it, today we woke up to epic downpour and flooded streets and falling temperatures. Not winter but dreary and cold. But that's ok, because we've got puzzles.
Really, that's all we need.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

I Can't Follow My Own Advice

I can tell you how to get your child to sleep independently. I can tell how you we put a gate up in front of the boys room and walked away. I can tell you how there are sometimes tears and tantrums and how you get past it all.

Unless it's my girl.

My girl somehow someway turned into my snuggle baby every night. I don't apologize for it. I'm not sorry.

Here is why. She's my last baby. I will never, ever, ever have another child of my own. Her baby times, her wee little girl times are stampeding toward an end faster than I can even grasp. She's independent, she's sassy, she's got her own way of looking out across the world and for all of that I am ecstatic.

Except, I'm her mom and I'm clinging to these last moments of babyhood. I won't get to do this again ever in my life. I'm upset by this. I feel cheated. There wasn't enough of it. Why wasn't there more? I want MORE TIME. But I can't have it.

So I've selfishly let her curl up beside me every night for probably the past two years, and we go to sleep snuggled soundly together. We play with the flashlight app on my phone, and we make shadow puppets on the wall, telling stories about them which mainly include bunnies that dance. Sometimes a dinosaur interrupts. You just never know.

I've known for months she had to move into her room. She has a LOVELY room. It's kind of spectacular in terms of AWESOME KID ROOM. She likes to play in there but at bed time, she wants me.

Except, this week, she announced she was going to sleep in her room.

And then she did.

She wanted the light on and the fan on, and I tucked her in. We played flashlight and had a story and I walked away, not realized I was going to be so upset. I brushed my teeth and put on pjs and got into bed, and waited.

Surely she would come.

She didn't. An hour passed and more. I cried on and off because I realized THIS WAS IT. She was gone. I wasn't ready to give her up but apparently she was ready to go because it just happened. GONE. My husband came in once and checked on me "You ok?" he asked. I lied and said yes. I didn't want him to know I was devastated.

At about 1:30 a loud call of "MOMMY" from her room and I sprang to my feet.
She needed me.

We ended up bringing all of her guys back into my room, and she curled up tight against me.

I got a reprieve.

Tuesday, March 04, 2014

Can't You See That They're Amazing

We're having trouble with Miles again on the bus. It's been going on for a while, and we're trying a behavior reward system thing that we did last year with some success. Get a drink of coke before you get on the bus, with lots of "NO SPITTING! NO SCREAMING! NO SPITTING AND BE GOOD!" and then I tell him he'll get MORE Coke at school if he is good.

It worked last year after a few days. This year? Not so much. Today he was screaming and carrying on before the door even closed. They told me this morning that they put another child in the seat beside him, and he screamed at the child and spit at him and it was a whole scene.

Why does he do this? I'd love to know. The child who loves books, and Teletubbies, and watching videos about ABCs, trains, and other things also will run across the room and attack Charlie for no reason. He goes crazy at school and throws insane tantrums.

Where is my Anne Sullivan?

He also loves school. The very school bus he throws these tantrums on, he is ECSTATIC when it arrives. I don't know what the disconnect is. I don't know why he would smiled and clap and say "School bus! GO!" and hug me so JOYFULLY, and then rave like a lunatic ON THE BUS.

Except for - Autism.
Miles and Charlie are two little boys who don't communicate properly. They UNDERSTAND every single word you say to them, however. They like to play, and they love to snuggle. This is a pic from about 20 minutes ago of us all three cuddling and loving on each other in the bed. "I want tickles!" "I want hugs!" "I want snuggled" they say and we giggle and roll around playing.

They're wonderful. They're a challenge. They're a nightmare. They're my babies.

I made them physically perfect. They're good looking. They have great motor skills. They laugh and are funny.

But their brains, well, their brains aren't right. And I can't fix them and no one can.

I laid in bed and cried with them both in my arms, because today Miles bus driver has decided that she's going to contact her supervisor about putting "a shield" on him because he'll spit. It's not like hocking loogies or anything but yeah I get it, it's gross.

A shield - think Hannibal Lector. They want to force him to travel on a bus where he is already in a harness, also in a face shield. Like he isn't a human.

If you think they're going to put a shield on my child's face, we haven't met.

Looks like my morning schedule will be altering to fit another car rider in my life. I'm not sure how they'll do this - his parapro will have to meet him I guess in the line or I walk him in, I have no idea what they do with special needs.

I'm just angry and frustrated. The bit of spitting he's done wipes up with some Lysol. Don't sit other people with him, strap him into his seat AND IGNORE HIM. How hard is that? I GET IT HE IS ANNOYING. But good grief you are driving a bus full of special needs kids, don't they all do nutty stuff that is annoying?

This is just me venting. I'll drive him to school. they can suck it with their shield. That's my child. He's not an animal. You're not going to dehumanize him and make him lesser like that. He already walks through the school wearing a HARNESS.

Well, now he won't even have to wear that.

Sunday, March 02, 2014

Soccer Season Kicks Off

The oldest boy and the girl are playing soccer this season. It's making a big change in our lives because his games are at 9:30 am. OMG WTF. WE ALL HAD TO GET UP AT 7:30 AM ON A SATURDAY. AND BE FUNCTIONAL.

It was actually kind of fun. We all had a big breakfast together before the game, and then we went out into the damn freezing cold air and intolerable breeze to watch his team do a great job beating a really good team. It's interesting how suddenly at this age, they're REALLY playing soccer.  Line judges, passing the ball, just like real footballers.

I said footballers for my Euro friends. You're welcome.

The girl took the field after lunch, and after it had warmed up considerably THANK YOU SUN FOR ALL THAT YOU DO TO WARM MY PLANET.

I would like to say she's the terror of the field, but instead, she's the little airplane on the field. Part of the game yesterday she kept declaring that "I AM A BALLERINA" and her coach would say "Ok be a ballerina who kicks the ball!" She wants to play. She doesn't want to play when she gets there. Or she has her own idea of what soccer is. I don't really know.
But she likes it and it's good for her. So what if her favorite part of the whole thing is uniform inspection because it means she can show off her princess sneakers?