A Mommy Blog About Raising Men, Not Boys.
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Thursday, November 21, 2013

A Diaper Changing Steam Of Consciousness

Not all Special Needs parents have to deal with diapers on kids that are way too big for diapers. However, our little guys just don't get it. Well, that's not true. They TOTALLY know what the potty is for. It's the idea of ONLY using the potty that escapes them.

So we have our conundrum you see, as they'll go in their pants ten minutes after going in the potty. Without so much as a care. They won't give you a heads up. The don't conceive of it. I'm not sure how we'll ever potty train them or if we will. I have hopes for Miles. Charlie? Hmmm I dunno. Charlie is more challenged.

I thought I would share a slice of life moment of the more grotesque sort. Turn away now if you are squeamish or can't handle poop talk.

Although if you can't handle poop talk, really why are you here? Have you even read this blog? We've got poop talk.

First there is the sniffing. Oh god, someone's pooped. Who pooped? Everyone bring your butt here for a check - who's poopie?

Once the pooper is found, we retreat to the bedroom for a cleanup and a new pullup.

"I need diaper" he says.

"Yes, I know. You pooped."

"Yeah." he answers.

Your first thought when changing a too big kids diaper is to get out what you need. The husband is better at this than me. My list includes bag for the diaper, new diaper, wipes, changing pad. Then - you have the poop.

Sometimes you think things like this:

  • Why does this smell like plastic?
  • What IS that? Is that plastic?
  • When did we have corn?
  • GOD What is this?
  • WHY DO WE SERVE POPCORN WHY WHY WHY?
  • Is that....a toy? What is THAT?
  • Oh god is that a string?
  • OMG WHAT IS IT A STRING TO?
  • How LONG IS THIS STRING?
But recently we've had more like this:
  • God that's....what is that?
  • It's strings and...is this cloth?
  • Oh my god how much is there of this? What is it?
  • IS THIS QUILT? FROM THE DOUBLE WEDDING RING QUILT?
  • Oh my GOD HE AT THE QUILT
  • Oh god more string
No joke. He ate huge longish chunks of a quilt that his brother liked to sleep with. It's old, not sentimental and it was fraying a LOT but his brother liked it so we had been allowing it to be used. 

That's a difference that it's hard to explain. I have to be aware of what is in my house because I might find it in a diaper. And it might not be digestible and it might hurt him. So I have to look at small things, toys, doodads and wonder if it will end up in a diaper or send us to the ER.

I'm hoping we've finished with the diapers full of poo-quilt.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Baby You Light Up My World Like Nobody Else

You see that face? That's the face of a three year old entranced, listening to her favorite song "You Don't Know You're Beautiful" but One Direction. Normally this song gets played on a tablet, or a phone, and it elicits a lot of dancing and singing. In fact, dancing and singing is required, even of her brothers. 

This time I was goofing around on the PC and she asked me to play the song on my phone - instead I fired up Youtube and let her watch it on my PC screen. 

She stood there mesmerized, hardly moving, barely singing along through the song.

About halfway through, she looked up at me with this big smile and said "Those guys are singing to ME! They think I'm beautiful!" 

Part of me thought that was adorable. Part of me wondered, how HARDWIRED are we as females to want to be beautiful? She's been girly, and obsessed with being girly as long as she could make a decision. She announces that she's adorable. 

Lately I've started telling her she's smart. She IS smart. But, first of all she IS beautiful, and second of all, that's not what's most important. Smart will carry her through her life. Smart will make her successful. Smart will help her make good decisions that will make a happier life.

Beautiful is just the icing on a cake that is made by SMART.

I hope she hears me.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Balloons and Autism

One of any coveted item in a house of four children is always a recipe for disaster. The minimum acceptable number of ANY sort of desired commodity is TWO - at least you can go through the motions of taking turns. But who am I kidding? FOUR. That's how many you actually need.

Especially when two of your audience are severely autistic and are sharing impaired on a good day.

Yesterday was the girl's last soccer game, and there was a little party and awards. And - BALLOONS. You see that green menace poking in the upper left hand side of this photo?

It's the devil's minion.

There has been screaming and fighting, and turn taking of the worst sort since the damn thing came home yesterday.

I hoped it would fly away "Oh NO! It flew away! I'm sorry!" I hoped it popped. "Oh dear it popped lets throw it away!"

But no. The damn thing is still here. As we speak, there is a very selfish version of turn taking happening. Julia keeps taking it away from the twins and then laughing "AHHAHAHA I TOOK AWAY THE BALLOON."  Miles is using his best words, "I want bawoon pwease" and Charlie is also using words. "Bawoon. I want bawoon."

Basically, it's the Holy Grail of coveted toys.

I tried to explain to her, earlier, why I didn't want to get it out. I sat her on my lap and explained that maybe we could get it out later. I said to her, that because the twins were having a bad autism morning (they were) I just didn't WANT to deal with it. I asked her if she knew what I meant, about autism.

"Do you know what I mean, when I say Miles and Charlie are autistic?"
"Yes they're like babies."

I thought about that for a minute, and realized from a 3 year old perspective, that's probably ok.

So I said yes and that I just didn't WANT to listen to everyone fight for the next two hours until it popped.

She told me not to worry, she'd protect it from them and could I please get it?

Ugh. So it's out. And there is fighting, although at this point she's resigned herself that it isn't going to float any more and is watching Toy Story. I spent ten minutes figuring out how to work the DVD player (it requires three remotes dang) so somebody better damn well watch it.

Charlie had chosen to sit on the ottoman and occasionally chase the balloon.

But Miles has emerged supreme balloon master.
With occasional shifts of power...

I swear to god the next balloon that tries to come to our house will meet with an untimely end.




Wednesday, November 13, 2013

The Creek Indians LOVED The 404

I sat staring at this Facebook update from my local news station for a moment while drinking my early morning coffee, pondering what was wrong with what I was reading.
So, if what I'm reading is right we've been using that 404 area code in Atlanta for 60 decades. That's 600 years folks.

I remember 1413 like it was yesterday. Henry the 5th took the throne in England. The university of St Andrews was chartered by a papal bull.

And Georgia, a state that didn't exist, began using the 404 area code.

Seriously. Somebody at WSB have another cup of coffee and ask someone for a quick edit before you post. You just look silly.

Thursday, November 07, 2013

But I Don't HAVE Arthritis

My knee situation finally flared up to the point that a cane or a crutch was required. No pain killer touched the pain (Loritab, how could you fail me?) and it was obvious something was seriously wrong.

It turns out that all those weeks ago when I was leaving Turner Field, and then again when I got off the plane in Houston, I was having an arthritis flair up.


Except, I don't HAVE arthritis. Well, I didn't. Now I do. I have a very small fracture in my femur that isn't likely to be causing my pain but the arthritis is the game changer.

It's the life changer.

My husband suffers through several DIFFERENT kinds of arthritis - auto immune disorders love him. I've got just one problem, osteoarthritis, in ONE knee. Pretty much he functions every day and I'm become dysfunctional.

I think that makes me the big baby in this scenario.

I am finally as of this weekend off of the cane, which I hurt too much to even hate or resent needing.  I started physical therapy Monday and learned all about the knee and the quadriceps. It turns out that the swelling of your knee when you have an arthritis flair up puts pressure on the quadriceps nerves and then that in turn causes your quadriceps to fail, which in turn puts pressure on your knee, which in turn causes more swelling.

You get the idea.

I'm not sure how keen I am on my othopedic surgeon though. I liked him before. This time he was like EH you have arthritis. Seriously dude I can't WALK. It's kind of a big freakin deal to ME. The weakness in the knee, the pain, I don't want ANY OF THIS.

He also pointed out that I'm fat. "Well, you're also extremely overweight."

Sigh you know I know that. Let me just fix that. Is there a pill? No I mean a pill that won't melt my heart valves? No? Then shut up.

I guess I didn't get the memo that being fat meant I was automatically going to get arthritis.

Sunday, November 03, 2013

Buffalo Chicken Cupcakes

I made something off of Pinterest. I did! And it didn't turn out to be some dismal failure that is worthy of going onto some mocking tumblr created by a bitter basement dweller. It actually worked. It was good.

It was - BUFFALO CHICKEN CUPCAKES.

I started a pin category of FOOTBALL FOOD a few weeks ago because let's face it, this is some of nature's most perfect food, mostly because it goes well with beer.

So here is how you make this lovely food

Recipe - Buffalo Chicken Cupcakes

Ingredients
1 pound chicken breast shredded
Franks Hot Sauce - or whatever you like for Buffalo
Blue cheese - about one cup
Pizza dough mixed (I used Jiffy brand, it's cheap and it's fine but you use what you like).

Oven Temp 400. Cook 15-18 minutes.

1. Make your dough and roll  it flat. I just use the palm of my hands. Flour your surface or you'll be pissed off like I was.
Make a rectangle on your surface.

2. Take your shredded chicken, and stir in your hot sauce to taste. At this point you can either drop in the cheese and mix it up or opt to add a layer of the cheese. I chose the latter.

The original recipe for this calls for mozzarella cheese. I put this in the same category of people who eat their hot wings with ranch dressing. NO. NO NO NO NO CRETINS. BLUE CHEESE with buffalo. But, as you like I suppose. You could use mozzarella if you had to. (Not insinuating you are ACTUALLY  a cretin if you like the mozz better but, BUFFALO! BLUE CHEESE! HEAR ME!)

3. The next step is the tricky one - if you've ever made cinnamon rolls you know what's coming - you roll it long ways - rolling the chicken and cheese mixture around in a spiral. 

3. Use liner papers or grease your muffin pan. Cut your log roll of buffalo chicken blue cheese awesomeness into about 1/2 inch tall cupcakes (I use this term loosely) and put them in the pan. I got 12 out of it. She cut her thinner in the original recipe and got more. You work out what you like. 
3. Bake for 15-18 minutes at 400. 
They were freaking delicious. How could they not be? Pizza dough, blue cheese, buffalo chicken? It's a magical combination of goodness.

And huge props and a thank you to the lady who recreated the recipe from her favorite stoney-run pizza place and blogged it. It's a cute story worth reading for sure. Plus you get her original recipe which is brilliant.

Saturday, November 02, 2013

Bring Me A Fall Festival

We've started down the path of doing "THE LAST" of things, in elementary school - at least at Lou's school. This weekend was our last FALL FESTIVAL.

I'm a sucker for a FALL FESTIVAL I have to admit. I love everything about it. The first one I remember was at Nineveh Elementary School in Indiana (That's Hickory High for those of you who saw HOOSIERS). They held it in the gym because it rained, and my Aunt Suzie took me. There were silly games, and snacks, and the requisite CAKE WALK. I won a chocolate cake with peanut butter icing that I thought was the best cake ever made. I've been entranced ever since.

My son's school holds a very traditional festival, just like the kind I grew up with. You see him above diligently watching the squares in the cake walk. HECK YES HE WON. Nowadays no one brings homemade anything though. I think that's really sad. But we got some donuts from Publix, so yay donuts.
He was nearly the front of the line for the first round of DUNK THE TEACHER and he had the honor of being the kid who dunked the teacher first. 

It seems like we are always overbooked lately. I guess that's a symptom of having four kids. But we had a soccer game in the middle of the festival so after some bounce house action we all took off for the park.
And then after the girl got a goal but lost anyway, we all packed it up and went BACK to the festival again.

We weren't going to get to do his last festival of elementary school ever again, so we had to make sure it was as perfect as it could be. It's amazing, he's been there 6 years. He was so LITTLE when he started there, such a little guy. Now he's one of the biggest kids in the whole school in size and grade.
We didn't win the raffle basket (dangit) but that's ok. We had the best time. Even when the ice cream melted all over everything.

Now, it'll be two years and we'll start it all over again. 

I can hardly wait.




Friday, November 01, 2013

The Halloween Night

The Annual night of keeping demons at bay and candy extortion ritual has passed. It was interesting this year. Our neighborhood is mostly full of houses you nor I would trick or treat at - they're antisocial twerps who mostly don't turn on their lights. 

We decided to check out a different neighborhood rather than our usual haunt because last year that one was a bit dull. We picked one next to the elementary school where several of his friends live. That's where it happened.
Making our way through the neighborhood, we ran into a small gaggle of boys that he knew. We ALSO knew them and there was a parent with them. ALSO someone we knew. With a whoosh, he'd run off into the dark of night with Harry Potter, a Zombie Baseball player and others. There was yelling and LOUD NOISES and they were gone. 

I know that's normal. I was totally able to trick or treat by myself about his age. And he wasn't by himself, he was with friends from school and one of their parents. 

I bet it was liberating, not to have to help us with with twins, or Julia. Not to have to hold hands, or candy buckets, or stop them from doing whatever it is they might be doing that they should not. He got a break from Big Brother duty on a big family holiday event. That never happens.

Eventually people started turning their lights out, and the candy wells ran dry. The boys returned from the cover of darkness with their procured goods. We left and went out for our traditional after Halloween dinner at Chilis (I swear that's the only time we go there).
And Lou went back on Big Brother duty, minding knives and ketchup bottles at his end of the table. 

He's awesome like that.