A Mommy Blog About Raising Men, Not Boys.
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Monday, October 31, 2005

All Hallows Eve

So as Louis and I sit here and slowly dismantle our Halloween Gingerbread House (just how many POINTS IS a house made of sugar and goodness?) I'm emotionally recovering from a serious and scary conversation.
Scott is having his endoscopy tomorrow and they do it under general anesthesia. That seems pretty severe to me. We don't know what will happen next. Is it his gall bladder? Is it something else?
So we sat down and went through the bills, what has to be paid when.
What to do if he isn't here.
Seriously, have you ever had that conversation? Like, cover all the things that the other person takes care of - in case tomorrow that person never comes home again?
It was surreal....here is when to pay this bill, these are the passwords, this is when they are due....here is what you need to know about all the things that you don't ever actually worry about.
Here is what to do if he dies.
If he dies.
Logistically, logically, and strategically - this is the plan.
If he dies.

If he were to die....I suppose it's now emcumbant upon me to actually keep my shit together and pay these bills.

So anyway, we had a fun family Halloween and now we plunge back into this health issue that could be very simple and happily taken care of, or could be terribly serious.

We find out tomorrow.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

The McNeals Do Halloween


One my favorite parts of being Bridgette and Scott has been that for the last 8 years, we have DONE the holidays. Even when we didn't have kids, we dyed eggs, carved pumpkins, hung garland....whatever the season called for. We love holidays. Halloween is no exception. Here are a few shots to show you how this year's celebration is shaping up!
First Lou and I decorated some Pumpkin shaped PEEPS!
And here is Charlie chilling out in front of our SPOOKY Halloween Playhouse!
VERY SPOOKY!!!
And in case you doubted my status as a domestic goddess - check out the ROCKIN' Haunted Gingerbread House!
On tap for Halloween Night? Trick or Treating and making caramel apples!
I'll post shots of costumes, pumpkins and festivities tomorrow!

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Billy Blanks Understands That You are Fat and Lazy

So as a Mom and someone who works outside the home about a million hours a week, I am faced with a frustration that I suppose a lot of people have. I have no time. I have no time to do much of anything, and anything I do that isn't a chore seems like I'm wasting time.
But lately, I've started doing something very me-centric and I'm totally digging it. Simone at work loaned me Billy Blanks BOOT CAMP DVD.
Let me tell you something. Billy Blanks understands that you are fat and lazy.
While he's encouraging you to stick it out, do all the reps with him, it's almost like he's comforting you. Letting you know HE knows it's hard. That it's okay to get a drink if you need one. I mean seriously, this may be corny, but he's totally encouraging you. It's like he's saying "I know you are fat and lazy and that you don't want to be.....and this is going to be hard but It's OKAY."
And I think that's why I'm doing it almost every night, more than once if I have time. Right now it's after midnight and I'm sitting here drenched in sweat, completely happy. I was too worn out to do the whole DVD tonight because it's so late......but I did more sets than I have ever done in the calistenics section. It's weirdly satisfying.
It also is awesome for your frustrations........
I read somewhere that it is better to exercise either in the morning or at night but I forget which. I don't care, this is my free time so this will just have to be it.
I don't want to be a skinny person. I just want to be a less flabby person. That's really all I'm going for here.
I think Billy is showing me the way.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Did the Stones Give Him Stones?

So my hubby and I went to see the Rolling Stones on Weds the 19th. It was the 8 year anniversary of our first date. On that date, which was actually 3 days earlier than our original planned first date (to watch SOUTH PARK at the ALLEY CAT bar, which featured CHEESY POOFS served during the show), we went to my cousins Greek restaurant THE PARTHENON. He had called and asked if I'd like to go have lunch and mentioned he knew this Greek restaurant. I didn't bother to tell him that it was my cousins place. He apparently had run out and purchsed contacts for our date - the first time he had ever worn them, and was 45 minutes late to the date trying to get them in. Which I actually thought was really cute. He had on jeans that were worn in the crotch, sneakers that were worn on all sides, his BW3 workshirt and a Nautica overshirt. We had our first kiss outside on the sidewalk as we parted - he to work and me back home.
What a long strange ride it has been......
In other news, he bought the tickets to the Stones to celebrate our anniversary. When I got home from work that night, he was in a lot of stomach pain, he said it felt like really bad gas. We went to the Stones, but he couldn't enjoy the concert much because he was in so much pain.
Thursday I had to go home from work early because he was in so much pain.
Friday I had to come home again early but convinced him to go see Dr Kim who promptly sent him to the ER.
And they kept him.
So he's still there. They can't find anything wrong but apparently he's still in pain so they're doing the scope down the throat thing today to actually take a look and see what is up.
We've all been stranded here at home since he has the car, but Becky and Sarah and Leslie and other hordes from my work have been on standby to get us what we need or take us to get the car. Sarah brought over Miles antibiotic prescription last night and some staples - and a six pack. So we're set for another day. We'll have to go get the car and no mistake today if they keep him for surgery or something. But for now we hope they do the test and send him home.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Day Spa de Sade

So I popped over the the Day Spa after work with my friend Shannon. We were having some lovely pedicures when after a little wine we were convinced to allow them to paint crazy stuff on our big toes. I chose a floral design, Shannon got a diamond-firework sort of thing. It is sort of ghetto yet funny to me all the same. Not at all professional, but in all honesty tons of people at my work have this sort of ornamentation so it won't look OUT OF PLACE there.
But, the charming bit of my story is this. I needed to get my eyebrows done. Anyone who has ever been to a day spa run by Asians knows how hilarious and scolding that they can be.
While Shannon was getting her toes done, the guy doing her toes taps her toes and says "Who do this? WHO PAINT THIS MESS?" and she had to confess she had done it.
They have no fear of shaming you, they aren't worried about their tip let me tell you.
So I went to the waxing room for my eyebrows to be returned to a pre-werewolf state.
While in there, the lady TAPS my upper lip and says "You need this, you too hairy. I do lip too?" And I figured what the hell. I needed to Nair it, and a good waxing would last longer.......so I agreed.
Everything was gonig fine......until she smeared the wax UP MY NOSE.
OH.
MY.
GOD.
She says "You need this done - too hairy."
Okay seriously, I did not have crazy hair growing out of my nose like an old man. It was fine. Just your normal woman nose hair like it should be.
She ripped that hair out just like it was my eyebrows or any other part. My eys watered, I sneezed, my nose ran - I think my ears bled.
Now I have to wonder, is the hair in my nose going to grow back in crazy?
Am I the only person on the earth that has ever had this done to them?

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

So THAT is what those are for!

This post is about menstruation. I say this up front, to warn off all the men who fear it and all it implies.....
So.
I should start by saying, without being TOO graphic, that my entire life of menstruation has been one of intense pain and exceedingly heavy bleeding. Since I was about 11 years old or so, it hasn't been unusual for me to miss school, miss work etc because I'm nearly bleeding to death and I'm in so much pain I can't see straight, much less get out of bed. The invention of over the counter ibuprofen allowed me to get out of bed and function, but it still did nothing to lessen the need for a full size MATTRESS to be strapped into my underpants once a month for a week. As I got older, it increased to a tampon AND a mattress.
Having my period was an incredibly painful and uncomfortable thing..........for like 26 years.
Since I got this IUD I had one really long weird period and now I get these really annoying ANTIperiods. I need a pad for like, 10 minutes out of any day during my "cycle", maybe five minutes. So I'm all annoyed, walking around wearing my mattress and having it be - well, CLEAN most of the day, or I'm not wearing it and then BLAMMO my five minutes occurs and my underwear is stained.
I was grumbling about to to my husband, who hit me with an idea that I had never considered.
Why didn't I just buy minipads or something?

Minipads? What the hell? they DO make Minipads.....don't they? Hell I could probably wear a PANTI LINER! I've never, in 26 years of woman hood purchased anything that wasn't the slamma jamma wingdang monstro super pad. Anything else was an invitation to DISASTER.

I am intrigued by this new concept. Minipads.

My goodness, I'll feel DAINTY!

Adventures in Potty Training II

So we're at the Olive Garden when it's declared "I have to go to the restroom mom."
And I'm so proud, off we go to the restroom, find a nice big handicapped stall and we're set.
Except that he's been eating breadsticks and is COVERED with salt and butter on his hands. "Mommy I can't pull down my pants my hands all dirty!" So okay, I oblige and help a little guy out.
Then he scoots up to the toilet (pants around the ankle style) and he's just THAT Much too short, if you catch my meaning.
At which point he exclaims loudly "Mommy my hands are dirty, please hold my penis - the PEE IS COMING OUT!!!" I hesitated and got another "Hold my penis mom!"
I have a choice, help out or let him pee all over the floor and his pants. Man, there is nothing about this in "What to Expect When you are Expecting" I tell you. It has since been pointed out that I could have just picked him up.......but I panicked in the heat of the moment.

The second time he was a big boy and told me that he had to go AGAIN we couldn't go in to the Handicapped stall - someone was in there. I told him we'd just use a different one. He, however had different ideas. He walked up to the door and proclaimed loudly "I'm waiting my turn, mom."

Whomever was in the stall thought that was cute and called out "Oh that's sweet - I'll be right out."

It was a very potty training filled night, let me tell you.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry

Here is an idea. Don't bring your personal whacked out domestic fights to other people's birthday parties.
It's a problem for me on many levels. Not the least of which is this, I don't handle confrontations outside the workplace well at all. I get very nervous, and emotional - the point where I want to climb the walls and scream. I come from a family that doesn't fight. No confrontation is how we rolled. So I don't do it well, and I don't handle YOU doing it in front of me well. At all.
Our small birthday party was fine except for friend A who arrived out of sorts in a fight with his wife. Well thats fine, people fight.......but.....then SHE arrived and brought an entourage with her.
To my birthday party.

That's right. So now we've got a table of HER friends all glaring at our end of the table, as though it's somehow wrong for us to be there. At MY birthday party. And then the stilted, bullshit sweet conversation directed at me........as she glares at her husband. Why are they fighting? I have no idea...I have no idea why she chose to come. Our end of the table begins to mumble to itself a collective "Oh FUCK" because the tension between the two of them is like electricity.
My nerves immediately took a tumble. The shots I did to chill them out didn't help, so my end of the table began to formulate an exit strategy. We wanted to leave, but our friend, the husband of the fight, wanted to come.
This was clearly going to be an issue.
In what turned into a Jerry Springeresque scene of unreality, we left - the husband says he's coming. We went outside and waited. He kept not showing up. We tried to decide if he had been waylaid, should we get involved or just move on. I had to use the restroom finally so I said F it and went back in. Husband is paying his tab........is very mumbly about his intentions, wants to know where we're going. Frankly I wasn't driving but I was so completely buzzkilled I just wanted to go home. I left again and said goodbye to Sarah outside. Then we discuss where we are going, what we are doing etc and we see the wife scanning the parking lot, looking around. Clearly looking for us.
We are freaking out - why is she following us? WTF? We actually CONSIDERED hiding - I don't know why, I think it was a fight or flight instinct I swear. She finally corners us and wants to know where we're going all sweety sweety. I swear it was FREAKING ME OUT because she was so intense with the fake sweetness. I was just saying I wanted to go home (I freaking did want to go home, I was DONE) and Leslie is saying "get in the truck, just get in the truck).
As we got into the truck another friend showed up in the parking lot and the lot of us decided to escape together......as husband and wife were apparently going to converse in the parking lot.

So we went to another bar where I consumed a huge amount of alcohol in an unsuccessful attemp to destress.

I have spent today hung over and still completely stressed out by the whole thing.

I have an anniversary coming up in December. I should invite them over and see how they ruin THAT day.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

You Say It's Your Birthday?

John Lennon and I have a birthday today.
Except I am the only one getting older.
It's a drag to me (and I'm sure to the people who actually knew and loved him) that he isn't seeing 65 roll in. I was feeling a bit down about turning 37 tomorrow at 7:30am. I'm feeling sort of "rudderless" to use Xta's word. It's not that anything is wrong.......it's just that everything feels temporary here to me sometimes, and I'm not sure why.
And then I started thinking more about my birthday buddy John Lennon. On John Lennon's 37th birthday he only had three more years to live. He didn't know this, but we know it now. If I only had three more years to live, what would I want to fill them with? I think I must now stop embracing my depression at the wrinkles on my face and the sagging of my boobs and remember this.
I am fighting the melancholy that was all over me earlier today, making me dread my birthday party tonight with friends as a reminder of my own cruise toward the big 40. I think instead I will enjoy it despite myself.....
I just put the John Lennon IMAGINE license plate on my car, Florida just started issuing them. I think it's a nice sentiment to carry around on your car.

Steven Tyler knew what kind of day I was having this morning, though. When I rolled the car out of the garage he immediately started singing to me:
Every time I look in the mirror
All these lines in my face getting clearer
the past is gone.
It went by, like dusk to dawn.

No doubt brother, no doubt.

So, happy birthday John. We miss you. And happy birthday to me.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Koko's Nipple Fetish

Lest you all think me mad, here is the story about Koko's little Nipple Obsession.
The ladies who filed this suit should give a call to Robin Williams.
Yes Robin Williams THE COMEDIAN.
You see, in an unrelated incident he tells this story in his old stand up routine about meeting Koko. And how he thought it would be funny to lift up his shirt to show Koko that he was hairy like an ape.
And how Koko grabbed his nipples and wouldn't let go.
Koko has ISSUES.
This link keeps giving me fits......so if it won't click through for you, just GOOGLE APE NIPPLE FETISH.
It should pop right up for ye.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

The Food Chain

So I have some animal related things to discuss this evening.
First, I need to share this as I think I've never brought it up.
I hate Apes that Sign.
I friggin hate them. I don't like anything that blurs the line between the animal world and the human world. I like the missing link to stay missing. I don't want aminals to be more humanized. Now don't get me wrong, I don't HATE animals. I like them quite a bit. I have pets. And I love them. But I don't want animals to start communicating with me in distinct direct ways. I don't want Koko to ask me to pass her the remote control, as she'd rather watch Knots Landing reruns rather than Golden Girls. Koko has a nipple fetish, did you know this? And she asks her handles to let her squeeze their nipples. The idea that animals have fetishes and then would communicate them with me....well, that about sends me screaming from the planet. It's bad enough that dogs hump my leg on a rare occasion - I might lose my mind if they started telling me exactly what it is about my ass that inspired them TO hump my leg.
The line between the human world and the animal world blurred just a little more today in my own house, when I went to the vet to pick up anti-depressant anti-anxiety something or other for my cat. Let's just say it. I got my cat some damn Prozac.
My cat is nervous. Her bathroom habits have gotten lax to say the least.
So, she gets some Prozac.

If this doesn't help, there are other solutions, we can cage her and retrain her. We can give her away, we can put her down. The last two make me sad but now that I have children the line between the animal world and the human world is more deeply etched to me. And despite the fact that I have lived with her longer than anyone else in this house, I can't allow her to make my house dangerous for my children.

I'm just glad she can't sign.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Less of Me to Love

Okay sportsfans, I returned to Weight Watchers and WHOA!
I have lost 9 pounds since my last weigh-in.

ROCK ON!

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Wishes and Wants

WISHES

  • I wish I had a cleaning lady to come in and do all the actual cleaning a time or two a month.
  • I wish I belonged to a gym, and went there to work out.
  • I wish I was 50 pounds lighter. This would not make me thin, it would make me less flabby but still a fat girl, let's face it.
  • I wish I spent less time on this feckin computer and more time with my kids (why am I still typing?)
  • I wish I had dates with my husband we had fun more often.

WANTS

  • I want to go White Water Raftering, but on one of the wussy rivers, I don't ACTUALLY want to be in danger.
  • I want to go to church, but am too tired to get out of bed - I think God understands.
  • I want to read more and talk less.
  • I want to stay at the Venetian in Las Vegas.
  • I want to bleach my hair. But then I want it to magically stay blonde so I don't have to maintain it.
  • I want to buy a house this winter and have all my children's birthday parties in it next year.
  • I want to sleep in a bed with my mom like when I was little and scared.

Return from Pukefest 05


Apparently we are feeling better around here, as Louis found the energy to return to his new train table for most of today. It IS pretty cool!

Toe Nail Fiasco

It is very difficult to maintain basic beauty rituals in the midst of three small kids. Makeup, eyebrows, nails, toes, etc.....something has to give. You can't do it all. I've found ways to sneak some things in and keep them up, but other things I had to let go. Such as manicures. No reason to bother with a manicure. I've posted about it, manicures are a wash. I'm just trying to keep the nails short at this point. And non-jagged. I am still a big fan of the pedicure, though, and while I love to go and get them done, it's infinitely cheaper to only do that occasionally and do it myself.
Which is where the trouble started. I may have been playing SIMS2. I may have been watching the kids, I don't know, but like 2 freaking months ago I was buffing my toes when I OVERBUFFED my big toes. Oh my god. Basically, for those of you who are male this means I made my big toe nail TOO THIN. Way too thin, I buffed the top layers off. Oh god it hurt, and now my toe nails keep breaking off, ripping cracking etc etc etc. I know I have to wait it out.
I just tried to file them and the stupid things BEND when you try to file them.
No cute toes for a while.
I can't paint them as this will just draw attention to their crazy state.
It's annoying as hell.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Weird Stuff From My Day

Okay so a couple of random things from my day.
First - there is this dude that amuses me at the tollboth of the Veterans expressway near the Waters Exit. I call him the Hippie, but in fact he is just more of a stoner - I cannot confirm his hippie-ness or deny it. But I am confident he's been stoned in that toll booth on more than one occasion. Regardless, I always feel sort of silly and happy when I see him. He's a constant in the sea of change, and I like it when random fate sends me through his line. I don't like SWITCH lines or anything to go through his line, it's not LOVE or anything, it just amuses me. It's sort of familiarty or something.
I ran into him at WalMart (piss off all you anti-WalMart-ites, you have three kids and try to afford NOT to shop there). He didn't see or recognize me, but I saw him like a BEACON standing in the personal hygiene dept - looking at deodorant or some such mortal thing. He was wearing his toll booth operator Tropical Shirt. This was sort of annoying, I didn't really want the Hippie treading out of his booth into the world I inhabit - he needs to stay in his booth.
Almost like magic, I stopped seeing him on the Veterans. I would look around the booths, but no Hippie (I strive never to learn his name). I had begun to think he had vanished from the toll booth world, since I had seen him out in the REAL WORLD.
But today, on my way back from shopping, as I pulled up to my toll booth to pay...at the next toll booth to my left........THERE HE WAS!!!
I was so happy I almost giggled. How silly is that?
On another subject, I saw a mail order bride at the mall. This is the only way to describe what I saw. I saw this dorky fat dude with this chubby Asian woman he had clearly dressed up as some sort of cross between Betty Paige and Minnie Mouse. She was heavily bejeweled in a fashion that did not match her Minnie Mouse polka dot black dress. And while he was very attentive and buying her things etc, it was weird - it was like he was showing her off.
They were married because they had on matching rings, unless that's a new thing people do with hookers that I don't about. It was sort of surreal.

And I change about 10 poopie diapers today.
Don't envy me - yes my life IS this dreamlike!

BRAT For Us

So the boys are done with the puking and the fevers and now the illness is apparently leaving my precious ones in the form of liquid yellow poison........shot out their butts.

On to the BRAT diet we must go,
Bananas
Rice
Applesauce
Toast

Apparently, this stops the yellow poison.
It's always worked in the past, so we must embrace it's wisdom.