A Mommy Blog About Raising Men, Not Boys.
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Thursday, October 06, 2005

The Food Chain

So I have some animal related things to discuss this evening.
First, I need to share this as I think I've never brought it up.
I hate Apes that Sign.
I friggin hate them. I don't like anything that blurs the line between the animal world and the human world. I like the missing link to stay missing. I don't want aminals to be more humanized. Now don't get me wrong, I don't HATE animals. I like them quite a bit. I have pets. And I love them. But I don't want animals to start communicating with me in distinct direct ways. I don't want Koko to ask me to pass her the remote control, as she'd rather watch Knots Landing reruns rather than Golden Girls. Koko has a nipple fetish, did you know this? And she asks her handles to let her squeeze their nipples. The idea that animals have fetishes and then would communicate them with me....well, that about sends me screaming from the planet. It's bad enough that dogs hump my leg on a rare occasion - I might lose my mind if they started telling me exactly what it is about my ass that inspired them TO hump my leg.
The line between the human world and the animal world blurred just a little more today in my own house, when I went to the vet to pick up anti-depressant anti-anxiety something or other for my cat. Let's just say it. I got my cat some damn Prozac.
My cat is nervous. Her bathroom habits have gotten lax to say the least.
So, she gets some Prozac.

If this doesn't help, there are other solutions, we can cage her and retrain her. We can give her away, we can put her down. The last two make me sad but now that I have children the line between the animal world and the human world is more deeply etched to me. And despite the fact that I have lived with her longer than anyone else in this house, I can't allow her to make my house dangerous for my children.

I'm just glad she can't sign.

6 comments:

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

I disagree. I think it would make life easier. It would answer the question "What the hell is wrong with you? Why do you keep meowing at the door?"

Anonymous said...

I worry that she would say "I am peeing on the floor because I am an asshole so LIVE WITH IT" and I would be put into a position of explaining to her that now I am having to put her down, for being an asshole.
-Bridgette

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

See, but Claudia does that stuff to me on purpose, and we're not putting her down.

Anonymous said...

I decided on the drive home from Brandon today that I am not a nice person, a good person, a giving person. NADA.

Everyone secretly thinks they have a specific virtue(s) (I think that's a line from Gatsby, and I hated that book, but it is true.)

I used to think I was nice. Well, not nice, but fun to be around, and that made up for a multitude of sins.

The rose colored glasses have come off.

Also, I lost a $100 bill at the mall today, and I am totally depressed about it.

And all this started as a reply to you that you can potty train the cat...but I would probably just give it away. How old is the animal?

I used to tell myself I was a cat person, because dogs annoy me - smelly, needy, licking, drooling things...but I don't think I'm any kind of animal person.

I'm sure this is all part of being a shitty human being.

Obviously I need to start a blog of my own.

Anyway, you can potty train your cat, my sister did it, and she didn't even buy the gizmo for it, she rigged up her own homemade version.

It is a commitment, though...perhaps it could be done in tandem with the kids?

I'm rambling. Never mind.

Anonymous said...

Oh, sorry, I got off track completely.

The nipple fetish ape is completely disgusting, and yes, I'm sure someone will say that the ape:

A.) Has been warped by human beings for their personal gain

B.) Is just acting normally as it would in the animal kingdom, and nothing is wrong with its behavior

C.) Could eat the cat with 2 bites, except chimpanzees are much more agressive than apes, although that is not generally known.

Unknown said...

Heidi,
Perhaps you have come upon my solution.
I could feed my cat to Koko!