Lately it feels like it's a nonstop conversation about which of our parents is in the hospital, between my brother and I. Now it's Mom, again to have fluid drained out of her, again to have batteries of tests. She was weak and unwell again, so back in to the IU Med center she went. Liver failure is one hell of a thing.
My mom is trying to get on the transplant list, and I'm cautiously hopeful it can happen. When they've had her in the hospital and gotten her drained, she sounds like herself, like my mom. When she sounds like my mom, relief washes over me. Things are better. I continue to hope.
My dad though, my dad is a different story. If liver failure is one hell of a thing, dementia is it's drunk, bastard uncle. He can be belligerent. He can be childlike. He's sad a lot. He almost seems to be in a fog, I wish I knew what was in that fog with him. I'm hoping it's not despair and loneliness. I talk to him nearly daily, probably every three days is the longest stretch I ever go unless he's in the hospital. Add to it a host of medical problems of varied, nebulous nature. It's not a good combination.
Our conversations are often very short, but usually I can engage him in at least one or two real things. He likes to hear about my kids, and I tell him the simplest version of whatever we are talking about as he struggles with his attention span. He asks me about my pool. He is enamored of the fact that my brother and I both have a pool, this was always a dream of his. He asks me if I am traveling, he likes to hear about where I am. I tell him if we are doing anything special. I tell him happy things.
Today I talked to him about Mom being in the hospital, and I assured him I had JUST talked to her and she sounds great. I tell him they drained a liter off her lung and she feels much better. He agrees that this is good, but his voice is weak, distant. I ask him how he is today, and he says "I'm pretty far down." I ask if anything is going on that's wrong and he says no. I tell him I have a flight to come home next Friday and I will be coming to see him, and he says "Ok we'll see if I have time."
Ominous portent or dementia? Or both?
I'm glad I made up with my dad. Over five years ago we had a terrible confrontation. I realize now that even then, dementia was taking hold of him, as he was irrational. He had told me I was dead to him, my children weren't his grandchildren and other sundry, horrible things that no parent should ever say to their child. It was so crazy that I was terrified for my mother at that time. That was his response to being asked not to say racist stuff. That was actually the second time we'd had that SAME confrontation with him, and each time after being asked not to say racist stuff he would explode in this absolutely insane rage, exploding with hatefulness at me and kicking me out of my own family.
I forgive him because as I look back, and see how irrational it all was, I see it as steps on the path to where we are now. I forgive him because when I was little he took me to ride my Big Wheel at the college where they had huge long sidewalks. I forgive him because when I was 5 and inside the Jaycee's Haunted house, I became afraid and went and hid - and they had to shut it down and send my dad inside to fetch me - and he did & wasn't mad. I forgive him because he would go on Brownie day trips with us, and sing "Hang Down Your Head Tom Dooley" loudly in the back of the bus. I forgive him because he was the President of the PTA, and made sure we got new playground equipment. I forgive him because he punched a guy in the face who called my grandpa a crook the week after he died. I forgive him because he's the one who told me our baby died, and he's the one who told me my grandpa died, and he's the one who told me Grandma Daisy died. I forgive him because my entire life he felt bad that he didn't let me go see Shawn Cassidy when I was six like I really really really wanted to.
I forgive him because he's my dad. I forgive him because children of alcoholics accept the unacceptable,but also mostly just because he's my dad.
So I'm gonna fly home next Friday. I hope he's got time on his calendar to see me.
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Showing posts with label illness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label illness. Show all posts
Friday, August 14, 2015
Caught Between The Scylla and Charybdis
Lately it feels like it's a nonstop conversation about which of our parents is in the hospital, between my brother and I. Now it's Mom, again to have fluid drained out of her, again to have batteries of tests. She was weak and unwell again, so back in to the IU Med center she went. Liver failure is one hell of a thing.
My mom is trying to get on the transplant list, and I'm cautiously hopeful it can happen. When they've had her in the hospital and gotten her drained, she sounds like herself, like my mom. When she sounds like my mom, relief washes over me. Things are better. I continue to hope.
My dad though, my dad is a different story. If liver failure is one hell of a thing, dementia is it's drunk, bastard uncle. He can be belligerent. He can be childlike. He's sad a lot. He almost seems to be in a fog, I wish I knew what was in that fog with him. I'm hoping it's not despair and loneliness. I talk to him nearly daily, probably every three days is the longest stretch I ever go unless he's in the hospital. Add to it a host of medical problems of varied, nebulous nature. It's not a good combination.
Our conversations are often very short, but usually I can engage him in at least one or two real things. He likes to hear about my kids, and I tell him the simplest version of whatever we are talking about as he struggles with his attention span. He asks me about my pool. He is enamored of the fact that my brother and I both have a pool, this was always a dream of his. He asks me if I am traveling, he likes to hear about where I am. I tell him if we are doing anything special. I tell him happy things.
Today I talked to him about Mom being in the hospital, and I assured him I had JUST talked to her and she sounds great. I tell him they drained a liter off her lung and she feels much better. He agrees that this is good, but his voice is weak, distant. I ask him how he is today, and he says "I'm pretty far down." I ask if anything is going on that's wrong and he says no. I tell him I have a flight to come home next Friday and I will be coming to see him, and he says "Ok we'll see if I have time."
Ominous portent or dementia? Or both?
I'm glad I made up with my dad. Over five years ago we had a terrible confrontation. I realize now that even then, dementia was taking hold of him, as he was irrational. He had told me I was dead to him, my children weren't his grandchildren and other sundry, horrible things that no parent should ever say to their child. It was so crazy that I was terrified for my mother at that time. That was his response to being asked not to say racist stuff. That was actually the second time we'd had that SAME confrontation with him, and each time after being asked not to say racist stuff he would explode in this absolutely insane rage, exploding with hatefulness at me and kicking me out of my own family.
I forgive him because as I look back, and see how irrational it all was, I see it as steps on the path to where we are now. I forgive him because when I was little he took me to ride my Big Wheel at the college where they had huge long sidewalks. I forgive him because when I was 5 and inside the Jaycee's Haunted house, I became afraid and went and hid - and they had to shut it down and send my dad inside to fetch me - and he did & wasn't mad. I forgive him because he would go on Brownie day trips with us, and sing "Hang Down Your Head Tom Dooley" loudly in the back of the bus. I forgive him because he was the President of the PTA, and made sure we got new playground equipment. I forgive him because he punched a guy in the face who called my grandpa a crook the week after he died. I forgive him because he's the one who told me our baby died, and he's the one who told me my grandpa died, and he's the one who told me Grandma Daisy died. I forgive him because my entire life he felt bad that he didn't let me go see Shawn Cassidy when I was six like I really really really wanted to.
I forgive him because he's my dad. I forgive him because children of alcoholics accept the unacceptable,but also mostly just because he's my dad.
So I'm gonna fly home next Friday. I hope he's got time on his calendar to see me.
Tweet
My mom is trying to get on the transplant list, and I'm cautiously hopeful it can happen. When they've had her in the hospital and gotten her drained, she sounds like herself, like my mom. When she sounds like my mom, relief washes over me. Things are better. I continue to hope.
My dad though, my dad is a different story. If liver failure is one hell of a thing, dementia is it's drunk, bastard uncle. He can be belligerent. He can be childlike. He's sad a lot. He almost seems to be in a fog, I wish I knew what was in that fog with him. I'm hoping it's not despair and loneliness. I talk to him nearly daily, probably every three days is the longest stretch I ever go unless he's in the hospital. Add to it a host of medical problems of varied, nebulous nature. It's not a good combination.
Our conversations are often very short, but usually I can engage him in at least one or two real things. He likes to hear about my kids, and I tell him the simplest version of whatever we are talking about as he struggles with his attention span. He asks me about my pool. He is enamored of the fact that my brother and I both have a pool, this was always a dream of his. He asks me if I am traveling, he likes to hear about where I am. I tell him if we are doing anything special. I tell him happy things.
Today I talked to him about Mom being in the hospital, and I assured him I had JUST talked to her and she sounds great. I tell him they drained a liter off her lung and she feels much better. He agrees that this is good, but his voice is weak, distant. I ask him how he is today, and he says "I'm pretty far down." I ask if anything is going on that's wrong and he says no. I tell him I have a flight to come home next Friday and I will be coming to see him, and he says "Ok we'll see if I have time."
Ominous portent or dementia? Or both?
I'm glad I made up with my dad. Over five years ago we had a terrible confrontation. I realize now that even then, dementia was taking hold of him, as he was irrational. He had told me I was dead to him, my children weren't his grandchildren and other sundry, horrible things that no parent should ever say to their child. It was so crazy that I was terrified for my mother at that time. That was his response to being asked not to say racist stuff. That was actually the second time we'd had that SAME confrontation with him, and each time after being asked not to say racist stuff he would explode in this absolutely insane rage, exploding with hatefulness at me and kicking me out of my own family.
I forgive him because as I look back, and see how irrational it all was, I see it as steps on the path to where we are now. I forgive him because when I was little he took me to ride my Big Wheel at the college where they had huge long sidewalks. I forgive him because when I was 5 and inside the Jaycee's Haunted house, I became afraid and went and hid - and they had to shut it down and send my dad inside to fetch me - and he did & wasn't mad. I forgive him because he would go on Brownie day trips with us, and sing "Hang Down Your Head Tom Dooley" loudly in the back of the bus. I forgive him because he was the President of the PTA, and made sure we got new playground equipment. I forgive him because he punched a guy in the face who called my grandpa a crook the week after he died. I forgive him because he's the one who told me our baby died, and he's the one who told me my grandpa died, and he's the one who told me Grandma Daisy died. I forgive him because my entire life he felt bad that he didn't let me go see Shawn Cassidy when I was six like I really really really wanted to.
I forgive him because he's my dad. I forgive him because children of alcoholics accept the unacceptable,but also mostly just because he's my dad.
So I'm gonna fly home next Friday. I hope he's got time on his calendar to see me.
Tweet
Monday, March 24, 2014
Convalescent
I rested most of this weekend. I missed two soccer games, which while I was missing them didn't bother me at all. But then they were over and I didn't get to see things, and the recap wasn't the same and I realized how much I HATE MISSING THINGS.
I have a prescription for Toradol and I'm not exactly sure why or what it is. I looked it up, and it says it's an nSaid and I remember them saying to take it for pain and to keep me relaxed except I don't have any pain so why am I taking this? It says may cause drowsiness, I'm not sure if it's that or I'm just tired though.
I think this is the one point of clarity I didn't get at the hospital. I thought I asked all the questions but after several hours of being at the hospital plus having my mind numbed by daytime TV clearly I missed something.
I did make it out on Sunday. Because the Universe is a comedian, I've developed a sinus infection and had to trek over to Minute Clinic to get antibiotics and then I went to part of Louis' game.
Being there made me miss being at at the other two games even more. I love the sunshine and fresh air and watching the kids play. I love watching my Lou even though he's not the best athlete, I see him getting better all the time.
Back home after the game I returned to a more relaxed mode and decided that it would be relaxing to engage in a little galactic property battle.
Louis and I waged war for control of the galaxy and I was impressed, the boy bankrupt me hard and fast. I can tell he always chooses to play Sith. The dark side is strong in that one.
I'm feeling normal and ok. Taking my antibiotics and all my other medicine plus my Toradol. Back to work and life. This was just a momentary interruption and reset to regular life.
I'm ready to get back to it.
Tweet
I have a prescription for Toradol and I'm not exactly sure why or what it is. I looked it up, and it says it's an nSaid and I remember them saying to take it for pain and to keep me relaxed except I don't have any pain so why am I taking this? It says may cause drowsiness, I'm not sure if it's that or I'm just tired though.
I think this is the one point of clarity I didn't get at the hospital. I thought I asked all the questions but after several hours of being at the hospital plus having my mind numbed by daytime TV clearly I missed something.
I did make it out on Sunday. Because the Universe is a comedian, I've developed a sinus infection and had to trek over to Minute Clinic to get antibiotics and then I went to part of Louis' game.
Back home after the game I returned to a more relaxed mode and decided that it would be relaxing to engage in a little galactic property battle.
Louis and I waged war for control of the galaxy and I was impressed, the boy bankrupt me hard and fast. I can tell he always chooses to play Sith. The dark side is strong in that one.
I'm feeling normal and ok. Taking my antibiotics and all my other medicine plus my Toradol. Back to work and life. This was just a momentary interruption and reset to regular life.
I'm ready to get back to it.
Tweet
Convalescent
I rested most of this weekend. I missed two soccer games, which while I was missing them didn't bother me at all. But then they were over and I didn't get to see things, and the recap wasn't the same and I realized how much I HATE MISSING THINGS.
I have a prescription for Toradol and I'm not exactly sure why or what it is. I looked it up, and it says it's an nSaid and I remember them saying to take it for pain and to keep me relaxed except I don't have any pain so why am I taking this? It says may cause drowsiness, I'm not sure if it's that or I'm just tired though.
I think this is the one point of clarity I didn't get at the hospital. I thought I asked all the questions but after several hours of being at the hospital plus having my mind numbed by daytime TV clearly I missed something.
I did make it out on Sunday. Because the Universe is a comedian, I've developed a sinus infection and had to trek over to Minute Clinic to get antibiotics and then I went to part of Louis' game.
Being there made me miss being at at the other two games even more. I love the sunshine and fresh air and watching the kids play. I love watching my Lou even though he's not the best athlete, I see him getting better all the time.
Back home after the game I returned to a more relaxed mode and decided that it would be relaxing to engage in a little galactic property battle.
Louis and I waged war for control of the galaxy and I was impressed, the boy bankrupt me hard and fast. I can tell he always chooses to play Sith. The dark side is strong in that one.
I'm feeling normal and ok. Taking my antibiotics and all my other medicine plus my Toradol. Back to work and life. This was just a momentary interruption and reset to regular life.
I'm ready to get back to it.
Tweet
I have a prescription for Toradol and I'm not exactly sure why or what it is. I looked it up, and it says it's an nSaid and I remember them saying to take it for pain and to keep me relaxed except I don't have any pain so why am I taking this? It says may cause drowsiness, I'm not sure if it's that or I'm just tired though.
I think this is the one point of clarity I didn't get at the hospital. I thought I asked all the questions but after several hours of being at the hospital plus having my mind numbed by daytime TV clearly I missed something.
I did make it out on Sunday. Because the Universe is a comedian, I've developed a sinus infection and had to trek over to Minute Clinic to get antibiotics and then I went to part of Louis' game.
Back home after the game I returned to a more relaxed mode and decided that it would be relaxing to engage in a little galactic property battle.
Louis and I waged war for control of the galaxy and I was impressed, the boy bankrupt me hard and fast. I can tell he always chooses to play Sith. The dark side is strong in that one.
I'm feeling normal and ok. Taking my antibiotics and all my other medicine plus my Toradol. Back to work and life. This was just a momentary interruption and reset to regular life.
I'm ready to get back to it.
Tweet
Friday, September 12, 2008
My Dark Mistress
Okay I know I wasn't around while I was sick. And I neglected you.
I didn't spend time with you, I know. There was no contact for days, and then, I just felt weird when I did try to spend time with you.
My heart would race, I felt nervous and queasy. Something was wrong.
This relationship is old. And I like our time together, no I LOVE our time together. Heck even The Husband tried to bring us together while I was recovering, but I just wasn't in the mood.
So what now? My love for you is two decades old. What will I replace you with?
The spark is gone, my lust and need has waned after my illness.
Coffee, what has changed between us? And how can I learn to love you again?
I didn't spend time with you, I know. There was no contact for days, and then, I just felt weird when I did try to spend time with you.
My heart would race, I felt nervous and queasy. Something was wrong.
This relationship is old. And I like our time together, no I LOVE our time together. Heck even The Husband tried to bring us together while I was recovering, but I just wasn't in the mood.
So what now? My love for you is two decades old. What will I replace you with?
The spark is gone, my lust and need has waned after my illness.
Coffee, what has changed between us? And how can I learn to love you again?
My Dark Mistress
Okay I know I wasn't around while I was sick. And I neglected you.
I didn't spend time with you, I know. There was no contact for days, and then, I just felt weird when I did try to spend time with you.
My heart would race, I felt nervous and queasy. Something was wrong.
This relationship is old. And I like our time together, no I LOVE our time together. Heck even The Husband tried to bring us together while I was recovering, but I just wasn't in the mood.
So what now? My love for you is two decades old. What will I replace you with?
The spark is gone, my lust and need has waned after my illness.
Coffee, what has changed between us? And how can I learn to love you again?
I didn't spend time with you, I know. There was no contact for days, and then, I just felt weird when I did try to spend time with you.
My heart would race, I felt nervous and queasy. Something was wrong.
This relationship is old. And I like our time together, no I LOVE our time together. Heck even The Husband tried to bring us together while I was recovering, but I just wasn't in the mood.
So what now? My love for you is two decades old. What will I replace you with?
The spark is gone, my lust and need has waned after my illness.
Coffee, what has changed between us? And how can I learn to love you again?
