It's hard to imagine that a week ago I was sitting at Tim and Justin's house, on the eve of my father's funeral. We were merrymaking, and talking of spiritualism, and crystals, and the things we do and don't believe as it were. Conversations filled with memories and love are strong medicine against the anxiety that looms before such days.
I remember getting back to Matt's, and I couldn't sleep that night. I kept waking up. When I did dream, I dreamed of a room full of mirrors with the sun reflecting off of it -waking me constantly. I dreamed of angry words shouted at people I love. I tossed and I turned as the eventuality came closer and closer.
It may have just been the burger I ate that was 33% ground bacon. Who knows what drives anxiety and insomnia?
One week later, a rushed schedule made us tardy for pumpkin decorating so it occurred on Halloween itself. I suppose it doesn't matter, we got the Jack o Lantern out before dark, keeping the lost souls at bay or whatever it does.
No ghosts would trouble us on this night, we slept well guarded.
The oldest boy donned his garb and went to his friends, where a block party was held and much festivity was made. I know I might have seemed over emotional about him not being with us, but we're so traditionally together that when the girl found out he wasn't coming she sat down and cried.
We aren't telling him. But it broke her heart that he wasn't with us this special night.
Our good friends invited us up for dinner and we weren't sure the kids would eat but after Charlie finished his second taco and his fourth enchilada we realized it was a great idea. Julia declared Chris the king of Taco Tuesday.
The excitement of being someplace new with delicious food and fun to be had made Louis not being with us bearable for a cowgirl I know. It made it a bit easier for me as well.
We hit the streets of their neighborhood, and as Julia declared - got ALL the candy.
Two months later, the number of things I do "for mom" hasn't changed. I take pics all the time of the kids for mom, only to realize she isn't there to see them. I picked up my phone repeatedly today to see if she saw all the pics of the kids. I nearly asked Julia if she wanted to call Grandma to tell her about Halloween. Instead I put on The Nightmare Before Christmas, made popcorn and turned out the lights while holding her on my lap.
The phone is the worst part. It's exactly two months later, and I have no one to call. Until the very end when she was so very sick I called my mom every single day. We used to have coffee together early in the morning on the phone. I drink my coffee now and miss her, and her stupid half caffeine coffee.
I miss having someone who wanted to talk to me about nothing every day, and was always interested in what I had to say.
But it was a good Halloween.
The first one without my parents. The first of many.
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