The Things That Stop

In the face of mind numbing grief, I'm realizing that a lot of things don't have the power to bother me anymore. Someone was rude to me on the internet? Hmm, ok whatever.  I'm finding myself just noting things, injustices, things that I might have become incensed about and just saying "yeah ok that happened" and moving on.

I don't know if it's good or bad but I know it's the person I'm becoming.

Today this thing happened where I was interacting and someone who has openly made fun of me in the past starts talking to me. Now, I know that this person doesn't realize I KNOW it. They did it over in their own friends list, but thanks to the power of the digital age someone copied and pasted it to me. I don't know the person at all. I don't know who they really are or what they love or what keeps them up at night. I don't know anything about them at all. What I know is that once I shared something personal and they decided I was too stupid to live, and made fun of me like a mean girl in high school.

At the time, man maybe two years ago now, I was LIVID. Who is this bitch, I wondered. WHAT THE FUCK? Other expletives ensued. I didn't know this person from anyone and they're being a dickbag about something personal? What the hell?

Of course that's just the internet in various forms, isn't it? It's the crazies in the comments.

So today when it happened, I observed it. This is happening a lot more. Where I once would experience something and feel something strongly about it, I find myself in a place of feeling that I am "observing it". I'm not mad. I'm noting it occurred. Part of my brain thinks "thanks bitch" but it's so fleeting, it's almost like a reflex rather than a real response.

I think that's the thing. A lot of my reactions now are reflexes and then just...observation. I say something, usually more benign than "thanks bitch", and then I just observe and watch whatever it was. I am struggling to feel anything about stuff.

Part of it is just ennui with internet behavior in general, I can't be terribly moved by internet people for the most part. But it's bigger than that.

I'm out of patience, and I'm out of energy for caring about every damn thing that happens. I'm out of energy for people who aren't real.

The weird part is, it's not like I'm in some ZEN place where I'm at peace with the evil doers. It's more like, they're just behind a wall and inaccessible to me. My brain won't let me deal with them. Maybe that's ok.




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