A Mommy Blog About Raising Men, Not Boys.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

The One Where I Join the Herd

In what I consider to be a very annoying turn of events, I've been diagnosed with post-partum depression.

Truth be told, I pretty much already knew I had it. My complete disinterest in everything in the world, my lack of interest in blogging, my lack of desire for changing my clothes for days on end - yeah - I'm not an idiot. I knew I was wallowing in depression. Then there was the agoraphobia which may or may not be settling in. I had a panic attack in a shop in North Carolina, I was convinced someone in there was going to speak to me - WHICH I DID NOT WANT. I don't know why. I just desperately did not want them to talk to me.

I also felt overwhelmingly like I did not know how to BE in a shop.

Which makes no sense. I realize this. I didn't know........how to shop. What I was supposed to be doing. And I felt like everyone was staring at me.

It also happened at Walmart with the exception that I KNEW how to be at Walmart, I just again was gripped by the sense that everyone was staring at me, and that someone was going to speak to me.

So I went to my OBGYN yesterday and he asked me how I was and I rather burst into tears.

And he said "Yeah,that's what I thought. I could tell you weren't yourself when I walked in."

So I walked out with a prescription for Lexapro which has a list of side effects a mile long. And while he said it's the consensus that it's safe to take while you breastfeed - the bottle says DO NOT TAKE WHILE BREASTFEEDING and let's face it, how BRIGHT could it possibly be to take on the off chance it could even slightly alter my beautiful girl?

I'm supposed to be aware when driving or using heavy machinery. NO FORKLIFT FOR ME!

I haven't taken any yet.


I don't want to.

I WILL take them. I just have to get my mind around it. I used to work at a place where EVERY SINGLE FEMALE PEER was on some sort of anti-depressant. It was more fashionable than the FGWP at Clinique. I have always held fast to the belief that being depressed was a signal to make changes, to examine your life and do what you needed to do to improve - NOT TO MEDICATE YOURSELF.

And yeah, I do realize that some people are truly chemically imbalanced. But I don't think we all can be.

So I dunno what to think. I had a good day at work. I wasn't scared or worried while I was there. I came home reasonably happy and I'm holding the small pink love of my life in my arms. (Not to be confused with the small blue loves of my life or the larger blue love of my life).

But....I realize I need something. I'm not right. Dear god no one should get nervous at the Walmart - except from the sight of the damn PEOPLE of Walmart, not the place.

So.....this should be interesting. To say the least.

I leave you, with a vid of my big boy - jousting at the Renn Faire.


Heather said...

I have a long family history of depression, and have even suffered it off and on myself for years. Before my twins I was always able to handle the bouts on my own and snap out of it.

A few months ago I realized that I couldn't this time. Or if I could it would take too long and how I was with my children was NOT fair to them at all. So I gave in and have been taking zoloft which my dr assures me is the lowest dose/side effect causing anti-depressant.

I feel a bit like I'm giving up,or giving in to the "trend" of post-partum. But my doctor said that his wife that stays home with their 2 boys under the age of 5 told him that she feels most mothers of small children are clinically depressed.

Maybe it's just part of motherhood and this is the label we put on it now I mean they used to take valium.

It shows what a good mom you are that you are able to recognize that you aren't right and you don't want it to effect your children. Also honestly I don't know how you guys do it everyday with 4 kids let alone the extra challenges and you just went back to work. I think any help you can get will be good for you.

Sorry if I blabbed too much, it's late and I'm tired and should be sleeping.

smart aleck said...

Do not think of it as a weakness, just think of the medication like you would a sling for your arm or an ace bandage if you sprained your ankle. You're still you, but instead of hobbling around, you have a little extra support to help out.

The best possible gift you can give you, your kids and your husband is taking care of yourself--the "put your own oxygen mask on before you put on everyone else's, because you can't help anyone if you can't breathe" idea.

Besides, I love your blog, so I want to see you at 100%!