A Mommy Blog About Raising Men, Not Boys.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Facing My Demon

You may or may not be aware, but I've suffered more than a little angst post surgery about my incision - and yes, the aftermath of the surgery itself. There have been a couple of points of serious "Yeah I Know I'm Crazy" kind of problems I've been having with the whole thing.......one of which is nightmares about the surgery itself.
It rather contorted itself into a Tudor-esque drawing and quartering, without the drawing bit.
This is probably a sign that the torture scenes on the Tudors are far too graphic, plus that I am watching them in the middle of the night when I am bleary eyed and emotionally charged. Not the best sleep fodder for the recently freaked out by major surgery, I suppose.

But the other real issue, the thing I haven't been able to get past.........has been the incision.
It's been nearly a month, and I had not seen it. I'd HEARD about it plenty.

The nurses all ooooo-ed and ahhhhhh-ed over the massive number of small staples that were used (I seriously didn't see why that mattered) and I heard a lot about it "Looking Good" but mostly, these sort of discussions made me queasy and quite ill.

When I got home, I steadfastly avoided it. I didn't touch it. Soap and hot water had to run down my tummy to get to it, no way I was going to actually WASH it, that would mean TOUCHING it. I made a point NOT to look into the mirror in the bathroom - quickly removing my glasses before disrobing for the shower - thus eliminating accidentally seeing it.

Truthfully I was quite ok with not ever, ever, ever seeing it or knowing anything about it.

I didn't even know EXACTLY where it was, just a vague very GENERAL idea.

But tonight when I got out of the shower, the husband came in and said it was time. He took off the rest of the surgical tape that was still on, and brought me a mirror.

It's bizarre.

It honestly looks like a scratch from a fingernail, it's that thin and small. I mean a BAD scratch, from someone being a dick when they scratch you. But still, not like I was flayed open (which I was) and a GIANT HUMAN BABY was extracted (ONE WAS).

It's surreal......and it doesn't hurt. I have some feeling finally in my abdomen even.

I don't know what to think .I spent a month being horrified and terrified of it. Now I'm like "Really? REALLY?"

I still say it sucked, and was terrifying. But I think I'm going to be ok.

And just for the record, I didn't have the nightmare last night. I think that's a good thing.