A Mommy Blog About Raising Men, Not Boys.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Sleep Lay Behind Me Like a Broken Ocean

It's 5:19 am and I've been awake for more than an hour. Traditionally I go to sleep fast. I can wake up ten times a night and then immediately roll over and be back to sleep in nothing flat. Often I don't recall that I've awoken. Not tonight.

First I realize I'm in the grips of aches and pains. I ache. I pain. No position is comfortable except flat on my back and I don't want to sleep on my back I am a side sleeper. Then I keep drifting into almost dreams, that are more like thoughts but you realize you are awake quickly and make note that

  • Louis is never allowed to base jump
  • Strangers need to stop asking to hug and or hold Julia
  • I need to weed the front garden
  • Most of my clothes don't fit me
  • I need to clean my desk
  • and so on and so forth
About 10 minutes ago I realized that in addition to my brain being in overdrive, I'm STARVING. I'm straight up hungry as hell. I have no reason to be hungry as hell. I ate about 1800 calories yesterday. But I'm ravenous. So I've given myself two Viactive chews and some almond milk, and now I'm having a coffee. I would have fed myself but omg it's five am I can't make food right now. I can barely sit up.

I'm tired you see. I'm legitimately tired as hell.

But my brain, my brain won't stop. I'm so busy at work. It's another full calendar day. But I think that one meeting is wrong so YAY I just gained and hour shhhh don't tell anyone. I have so much to do, I don't know how to even get it done.

I'm worried about my dad. My father is failing. I'm trying to get home to see him, before he's so far gone that it doesn't matter. I've wondered repeatedly if he's died, in the past hour, and that this is why I'm awake. Maybe some universal energy woke me up to say YOUR FATHER IS DEAD. I wonder if my brother would call me at 4 am, or just let me sleep knowing that there is nothing to gain from waking me up? I don't know which I would prefer. 

I used to get insomnia the night before I got my period. But I haven't HAD a period in years now thanks to the endometrium ablation I had. However we've learned that while they used to think they are 100% effective - like when I had mine, now they know that they aren't. Am I getting my period? This thought annoys me and makes me more awake. I remember that stupid internet tests I keep taking keep suggesting I am having a baby in the next year. I have to remind myself I had my tubes tied. I'm worried that the internet is self aware, and has powers of precognition.

Maybe it's the coffee I had at Marlowe's tavern last night with the twins club mom's night out. I'm awake. I'm SO SO SO SO FUCKING AWAKE. But I went to sleep just fine. So no, that can't be it.

Of course now I've had coffee, so that's probably why I'm so damn sharp and awake right now.

Now Charlie is up, because I'm a loud typist. I think that comes from having learned to type on a typewriter back when you had to hit the keys like you meant it. I strike the keys with intention, consequently I am probably annoying five others right now.

It feels like the right thing to do, to have stop being frustrated and just get the hell up, however. Mentally the angst of desperately wanting sleep is slipping away. It's just sleep, I'll get some tonight. If I feel like I can't sleep I'll take a benadryl or something. 

This is my insomnia face. 
I'm not smiling, because I am damned tired.