A Mommy Blog About Raising Men, Not Boys.

Monday, August 03, 2015

Fat Man In the Eye of A Needle

I have a secret about my weight loss. It's sort of a terrible secret. I don't say it aloud. I'm struggling thinking about typing it. It's actually causing me quite a bit of sadness thinking that I'm going to type these words.

I'm a joke weight.

In terms of, I weigh a number that people toss out when they want to describe someone who is really fat. I know this because of a movie, where I first noticed it. The conversation went something like this:
"Well she's gained a bit of weight."
"Oh yeah, like what is she now?"
"Well you, big, like X"
"Oh...X eh? Wow yeah that's big."

I had that terrible moment, watching that movie, where I realized I was far bigger than that number. It's been years ago, but I've never forgotten that feeling of humiliation, of weighing MORE than the "oh that's gross" weight from the movie. I then began to notice that number being tossed around here and there in social media, in the press, movies, blogs etc. A number that was just "Oh yeah that's big."

I've lost a lot of weight. I'm always fucking hungry. I work out (not as much as I should, after all I am sitting here aren't I? I should be working out). But I'm trying. I'm trying to change my life and be healthy. I want my arthritis to POOF be gone, I want my asthma to be better, I want my stomach to stop eating itself. I don't want vascular insufficiency to continue to be an issue. I want my heart to pump with it's electrical problem to it's best ability. I want my liver and kidneys to do their job and not fail.

But despite the actual improvement in ALL of those things that I had problems with, and the things that I didn't (yet), the fact remains.

I'm a joke weight.

I feel embarrassed anymore, when someone talks about my weight loss, because I remember I'm a joke weight. I might look better, but I don't look good. I look like a person that a movie would say "WOW that's big."

I won't stop working. But I wonder now, will I ever feel like I'm at my goal? Even when I hit it. Will I ever stop chasing the concept of not looking like a joke? Of not being the gross fat girl people are making fun of in movies?

It's actually a pretty good movie, though. It's funny how stuff sticks with you.

Here's a random pic of me and the girl. Because such a whiny self indulgent post deserves a smile.


Random Geek said...

The bad news is that I never really lost the feeling of being at a joke weight. The good news is that I caught myself realizing I'm thinner at weird moments like trying to "squeeze through" spaces that were tight for me eighty pounds ago but just fine now. Or making jokes about being fat and really annoying heavier people who only see the relatively thin person in front of them, not the phantom fat person in my head.

My phantom fat person has gotten thinner over the last couple years too, though. Maybe you do lose that feeling eventually.