A Mommy Blog About Raising Men, Not Boys.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

The Nadirs of Autism

A perfect storm started on Friday night. We hadn't been any where all week mostly really because of my foot. The kids were home for Spring Break and school is one of those routines that is sacred to the twins. They LOVE it. So a week without it already put us at a bad place. Add to that, we decided that my foot being weird (numbness) meant we really needed me to stay off of it and be good for the weekend.

Thus, two more days at home. By Sunday all four of them had gone stir crazy.

On Sunday it rained. It started out pretty mellow, Charlie got me up very early and we sat up and waited for the lawn care people to show up and do their thing. Eventually I drug the rest of the little humans out of bed and figured, mellow day is going well.

At breakfast the wheels came off slightly. Everyone was a bit discombobulated but it didn't seem TOO bad. However as the day progressed and our inactivity apparently became more apparent, the twins patience with this waned. As did Julias.

Charlie's method of coping was thrashing and screaming.  Eventually he just gave it up that he needed a nap and went to his room and slept off the crazy.

Miles however decided to engage in NOTHING WILL MAKE ME HAPPY NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. I tried getting the four of them to play Candyland with me. The big boy politlely declined (ok he's ten) and the girl wouldn't sit still or pay attention, Charlie wouldn't pay attention or try. Miles understood how to play. This was his twenty minutes of good behavior for the day. He played, was Candyland grand champion.
The rest of the day was spent fighting with Charlie, fighting with Julia, fighting over toys, screaming and sobbing randomly, and making this noise that sounds like a cat in heat. The noise infuriates me and goes RIGHT THROUGH ME. He knows this. So he keeps it up.

In fairness to me, I lasted though one and a half kiddie movies before I started yelling and losing my cool. Seriously, what is it that I can't sit and have my foot up and let me kids watch movies in peace? I can't. Because watching any kind of TV is some sort of drama.

Autism is so unfair. It makes the smallest of things impossible sometimes. It infuriates me. I shouldn't have to sit and endure two children screaming for no reason. My other children shouldn't have to endure two children screaming for no reason.

And more importantly, my children screaming shouldn't be experiencing whatever the hell it is that is making them scream.

That's the thing though. You don't know what's wrong. IT COULD BE NOTHING. THEY MIGHT LIKE THE SOUND. It's like some sick joke, see that child sobbing hysterically? Nothing wrong with him. Just having a sensory moment.

As a mother, it's devastating. My child is hysterical. And I cannot fix it. There should be a fix. I should be able to hold them or sing to them or get them candy and there just IS NO FIX.

I ended up taking a shower and standing in the shower and sobbing. Afterward apologizing to Miles for yelling at him, and for his autism. I know I didn't "do" it, but still, I made him. Any mother with a child that has a congential problem will probably tell you, the guilt of that eats at you every minute of every day. "What did I do wrong?" Probably nothing. Or I passed on bad genes and I couldn't help it.

Sunday ended with early bed times and Monday school started back up. Life is normal again.

I'll have another day like that, some day sooner rather than later. And I'll cry a lot.

Because it's all I can do.


Frank said...